Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Imho, if she wants to return to GA, then so be it. Prayers sent.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

From the OP's profile:

Mother is living with: age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, depression, hearing loss, heart disease, mobility problems, parkinson's disease, sleep disorder, stroke, and vision problems.

Was living in Georgia, has now been in her new home with elevator (so presumably her own home, not part of a facility) for five months, with OP avoiding her company, in Texas. Decided in August-ish that she didn't like it and wanted to go back to GA.

With that list of health difficulties to go on,

#1 I would be very surprised if mother was cognitively intact. Heart disease and Parkinson's - for how long? Both eventually lead to different types of dementia. Stroke? It would be remarkable if mother hadn't developed any at all.

#2 Arthritis and impaired mobility. The elevator in her new home will allow mother to access her bedroom, bathroom, perhaps. But what about fresh air? What about companionship? What about her immediate surroundings, and the people she sees going by?

#3 Impaired vision and hearing. Could be both caused by and exacerbated by dementia, but will also accelerate dementia.

So, let's imagine - your mother is running into serious health and day-to-day living problems and lives several states away from you. Concerned about her, you move her to a lovely new house, with all modern conveniences, near you. Alas this does not seem to make her life completely better: she is dissatisfied and very unpleasant to you, so you avoid her as far as possible.

I am sorry that she isn't grateful - I'm not being ironic, I mean that it is very painful when you have moved mountains to help somebody and this is the thanks you get. But look at this from her point of view. Angry at the world? She does have big things to be angry about, such as pain, deterioration in her quality of life, loss of her abilities; and unfortunately the solution you came up with does nothing to address those. And now she's on her own, worlds away from her familiar environment.

My suggestion is to think again about where she's living, and think in more detail about what support she needs to enjoy a reasonable quality of life.

By the way - I asked whether she has always been like this because there is a world of difference between a Career Complainer on the one hand, and a formerly contented person who is angry and miserable for extremely good reasons on the other. With the first, you focus on what her needs are, meet them, and accept that her complaints are largely recreational (you'd almost be worried if she stopped); with the second, it is really important to acknowledge and engage with how she's feeling.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
AlvaDeer Nov 2020
Marvelous food for thought. All of it.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
I'm kinda in the same boat but im thinking back on a time when my kids were teens. If I threatened to punish them for messing up they would say something like "Y6ou can't do anything because we will call Child protective services and you will go to jail". So, I thought for a moment . Then I said "You know, maybe that's what we need to do, because you don't seem to be happy here so maybe you will find a foster home that you like better. It might be the best for all of us. " They looked puzzled. "What do you mean by a foster home?" so I said " Well, how did you think that would play out? " If I am in Jail , you will have to go to Foster care until you are 18. The Authorities are not going to just let you stay here by yourselves." I didn't hear another word.
I'm wondering now if that would work with Mom being demanding ungrateful and angry all the time. We love her too but she treats us like servants and we always do everything wrong . Maybe she would be happier somewhere else. I think I will go and get some brochures for a few retirement homes and leave them on the kitchen table.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I recently read a few articles which helped me tremendously.
Yes your mother is being abusive.
Merely inform her she has a choice: either she starts respecting you are she can hit the pavement and get the Hell outta here.
I cannot do that here because it is her house and I am an unpaid caregiver (funny how she can find money to give her other son and grand daughter who do no work around here but I should kiss her ass because she puts a roof over my head, food in my belly and a roof over my head. This despite the fact that if I leave she will be going to a old folks home which would be living hell for her.).

After reading those articles I see how she manipulates and abuses me. That stopped quickly. Now, unfortunately, for my own good, our relationship is formal. That is to protect me from her.

You may need to do the same. Keep your relationship formal.

On the other hand, because of the move, she has no friends and is lonely. So you are going to be the one responsible for this in her mind.
Yes I know that we have lock down but why not take her shopping and see if she interacts positively with others in the store. See if there are any volunteer opportunities for her.

file:///D:/HOW%20TO%20DEAL%20WITH%20NARCISSIT.pdf file:///D:/Boundaries-with-a-Narcissist.pdf These are fantastic articles. Boy they were bang on with my mom. Go on YouTube and look up surviving narcissism 7 things narcissist's fear the most, with Dr. Les Carter. He has a whole series that is great.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Christservant Apr 2021
Wo hoo.

Boy have you just described my situation.

I have put my foot down and informed her if she has enough money to give to them, she has enough money to give to me. Otherwise she can get them to do the work around here. The third option is where I inform her doctor I am walking and she will be put in a seniors home.

Boy has her attitude ever changed after six years of abuse. Nice of her to offer me money now as well although it would never make up for the amount I have lost being her live in care giver, it is at least something.
(1)
Report
Have you asked her why she's so angry? Perhaps she's scared, lonely, and feels forgotten. Have you told her how you feel? Have you tried to find a common ground, rather than making decisions for her and having her feel like she's got to give up her autonomy in order to have help?

I would suggest talking to her, and finding out if it makes sense what she says to you. If you dismiss her feelings or her fears, it may lead to that anger she always exhibits to you.

If she's in constant pain, finding a good pain management clinic might be in order. Chronic pain (or almost chronic) really takes a toll. There could be all kinds of reasons why she's that way, and I would suggest you attempt to find out - perhaps it will be eye-opening enough to have some serious changes made for a better relationship.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Get a mild dose of (ativan) or....? to deal with anxiety. You can not take much of this on a long term as you will become angry and you mental health and relationship will become miserable.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter