My mother is 63 has MS and diabetes. She is currently living in the nicest independent living facility in our city. She moved herself in to my grandparent’s “apartment” at the facility 3 years ago after my grandfather passed away. Before that she was living in a garden home and although she used a cane occasionally she drove and was completely independent. My mother is an only child and was unusually obsessed with her parents. They came before anything else. Even me and my brother. She claims the reason she moved into the independent living is “when her MS gets bad my brother and I won’t have to worry about her”…..her moving into that place has been nothing but a curse. I was very vocal about my feelings about her moving into the independent living. As the saying goes, “if you don’t use it you’ll lose it”. I knew that if she moved in there and had so many things done for her she would lose motivation to get up and move. I was right. She developed a stage 4 wound on her bottom that gave her sepsis and sent her to the hospital June 2021. Since then she has not gotten out of the bed. She is completely bedridden. She can not toilet and often refuses to even sit all the way upright to eat.
My mother has 24/7 sitters with her in her independent living apartment. She is spending $25k+ a month in sitters and her rent to the independent living facility. She inherited a lot of money, but at this rate this money will not last forever.
My husband and I are 36. We own a video production company and have four children ages 14, 12, 9, and 6. I absolutely cannot take on caring for my mother with four young children. Although my brother and mother definitely hint that they wish I did more than I do—which is visit her 1-2 times a week and run the occasional errands for her. My brother is single with no children and visits 3 times a week.
My mother more than qualifies for a nursing home. But she and my brother refuse to even discuss it. But we have to! She is going to run out of money in a few years and then where will she be? One of my brother’s fantastic ideas is to move my bed bound mom into a garden home alone and keep the 24/7 sitters. Do y’all hear this nonsense? That’s incredibly unsafe. It would be cheaper than the $4k a month rent at the independent living, but that’s not even what the bulk of the cost is. She is paying $20k a month for the sitters!
To me, the best option is to find a really nice nursing home now while she can still be choosy. She is already living in a makeshift nursing home in her apartment with the sitters, I truly don’t see what the difference is. My brother has offered to move in with her and assume her care, but that’s not fair to him and aside from that, I know that will get old real quick. My brother is obsessed with making sure my mom is “happy” even if it means making dumb decisions. He told my husband and I if we put her in a nursing home and “forget about her” he would never speak to us again. How do I convince him that not all nursing homes are horrible? And that our visits would stay the same no matter her location? He has it in his head that if she goes in there she will be dead in a year.
thanks for letting me vent.
It's her money. Not yours.
"Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine".
(This quote from Bob Carter, but also found in slightly different ways by different people).
Basically if you don't agree to the independent living arrangement (or some other floated idea), tell them plainly:
I don't agree with ABC so I won't help with ABC.
This is how I roll now!
Several years we all simply gave up trying to help him, b/c, bottom line, he WANTED to be in control of her life. IDK why.
All we other sibs could do was shake out heads and let what was, be.
Brother is only 59 and his health is shot. If he lives 10 more years without changing some major lifestyle choices, he won't be here. A lot of that was due to poor choices and the stress of having mom living with him & his family.
In a way, having mom's care on his plate excused him from having to do more than work PT, sleep 20 hrs a day and eat to the point he's probably 200 lbs overweight. He has a hair trigger temper and nobody wants to deal with that--so, like you, we said our bit and then left him alone.
It's painful when your best intentions and advice are thrown out the door like yesterday's newspaper. I probably felt the failure the most, but all of us felt like he blockaded mom and while he kept her 'safe' she was also housebound & bored. I think she might have died of boredom.
Long story short: you're NOT going to change brother's mind. Don't waste a minute more with him about this. Take care of YOUR family and know that you did your best.
”Not fair to him” — I don’t get that, honestly.
Best wishes.
Maybe if you show mom and brother how long her money will last based on her monthly expenses of 25,000 a month and how much it would cost for your brothers idea of moving her into a house with 24/7 aides and how long the money will last it will snap them into reality.
After all once the money is gone she will not be able to afford 24/7 help in this place and you are not going to do the in home care for her or give her money to finance laying on her ass all day while people wait on her.
What a shame she did this to herself but she will have to live with those consequences as will your brother for enabling her.
Let them both live in that hell they created for themselves and don't get sucked into trying to fix it or make it better.
One thing I would highly recommend for that proactive step, get a list of all the resources a broke, ailing mom would need, like meals on wheels for food delivery, DHHS for Medicaid application, paratransit application through the department of transportation, area on aging, etc.
Then when they call and everything has turned to mush you can say, oh, let me send you these resource contacts I have, they will be able to help you out.
Learning to let people make their own choices, good, bad or indifferent is only one-side of that coin. The other side is letting them deal with the consequences of those choices, without it falling to you in any way, shape or form to bail them out.
You already know how they think this will go if it doesn't work, don't go into agreement that you will be bailing either of them out, decide now to say, sorry, here's the resources that can help you with this situation.
Oh and don't let your brother dump on you. He is choosing to do this, that doesn't obligate you to prop him up in any way, not even to listen to his vents about how hard it is.
Choices have consequences and they are both adults that know what they are getting into.
Best of luck saying no, when the call comes! You can do it!
I agree with sp19690 that one strategy is to "do the math" for her. The other strategy is for you to do a little research into a reputable local facility to visit and take your own videos of the grounds and inside, and provide the paperwork to present to them both. It will be less expensive than 24/7 privately hired care in the long run. Facilities offer more social opportunities and activities, which is better for her mental health as well.
Finally, you tell your brother there are other, better solutions for your Mom's care and that unlike with your own Mom, your spouse and children are the priority and you are not willing to participate in increasing levels of care orbiting around her when there are other solutions. You don't have to give them any other answer except "no". And then only participate to the level that is acceptable for you. Ignore their threats and whining. Direct any needy calls from your Mom to your brother.
She will probably threaten you with disinheritance at some point. Don't let your life be controlled by this. My Mom and Aunts did the same (for a different reason). When I called their bluff and told them I didn't care about their money, the manipulation stopped and they never threatened it again. FYI I did not get disinherited. In most cases it would require the effort of them getting to an attorney and paying to change the paperwork. It's usually a totally empty threat.
Keep your boundaries to protect your family. You're not wrong at all for doing so.
The mother is 63 years old and is of sound mind. She is still capable of making rational decisions.
If she does not wish for her care to be done in a nursing home and she's paying for it, then it is her decisions.
As for the co-depende relationship she has with her son, do you know these people personally? So, you don't know what their dynamic is.