My mom is only able to walk with a walker, she has memory issues (no dementia-type diagnosis because she avoids doctors), and although she is able to care for herself, her inability to move quickly causes many issues. My parents are in their 80’s and my dad has been my mom’s caregiver so far, but it is beginning to take a toll on his health. He has finally admitted he can’t do it all himself any longer, but mom refuses in-home care. Any helpful advice/suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you!
I was a homecare worker for many years before going into business. I've had my share of stubborn, care-resistant seniors and everyone else's too. I want you to tell both your parents what I have told countless elderly care clients and their families.
~Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
This is the truth.
Help your father set up homecare to come in. Here is how he should handle it. He should stay at the house the a few times when the aide is working their shift. After that, he should leave the house and go out for the duration of the caregiver's time in the home. Your mother will complain, and there will likely be tantrums for a while, but she will have to get used to homecare being in the house. She won't if your father is there.
Really, your father and the rest of the family will have to press the point on your mother that either she accepts and works with homecare or she will be put into a care facility.
In time she will accept the homecare aide and will probably think of her like family. This happens more often then you might think. She may even start taking your mother out to lunch or shopping and your father can join in too. A homecare aide who is a good fit to a care client can change their life and the lives of their family. You may have to try out a few people at first to find the right one.
I suggest if your parents can afford it, that you hire privately. Look at a few caregiver profiles on websites like care.com and others. I did private work for many years too. Hiring privately means the caregiver can cover a lot more ground than an agency aide, and you don't have any other interested parties like the state or visiting nursing companies, or APS making inquiries.
Homecare can work out very well. Everyone will have to stop letting your mother make the decisions about it though. Good luck and keep us posted.
I can say that my parent viewed it as one of those things that would start and never end. In my family, though, sometimes making things seem less medical and more like helping someone out. We’re here for you.
My mom is 81 and can only walk with a walker— drags one leg, hasn’t seen a doctor in 30 years — and she lives alone. She is also very resistant to help in her home (other than my 3 visits per week) or to AL. In my case, it will take a crisis.
A friend of mine’s mother lives in AL and also has an aide on top of this, 8 hours per day. If the aide is in the same room, she’s “hovering.” If she’s in the next room, she’s “lazy and useless.”
Even after Mom had a fall (she refused to use a walker), I had caregivers come in to help, and all that Mom did was argue with Dad about the strangers in the house. The caregivers lasted only 3 days. Mom claimed that Dad could catch her should she start to fall. Reality was it would have taken Dad over a minute to just stand up from a sitting position.
What to do?.... we just waited for another ER emergency. Mom had another fall, but this time with major head trauma. I called back in the same caregivers to help Dad as Mom spent her final months in a nursing home. Ironically, one of the caregivers that Mom had chased out of the house, would drive Dad to the nursing home, and she helped feed Mom.
Dad eventually sold the house and moved to senior living, which he really loved but wished my Mom could have been with him. Dad was glad to get away from all the responsibilities of owning and maintaining a house.
I gather that they think they're living independently but you help them a lot and they couldn't survive at home without your help? If that's the case, and you can't do it anymore (which you have to tell them firmly), they have no choice. By helping them, you're giving them a false sense of independence. That isn't kind on your part because they desperately need to be cared for 24/7 by professionals. Otherwise you're going to have a situation where one of them falls or has some other accident and the other won't be able to help, and then (worst case) they both die. In their home, as they wanted. But not peacefully. Actually, horribly.
ALs with continuing care are a wonderful solution to elder care. Many of them have onsite medical care 24/7, visits from podiatrists, psychologists, hospice when it's needed, transportation to appointments, outings, parties, games, entertainment and every other kind of thing to making aging pleasant. Mom and Dad can stay together unless one gets sicker and goes to the next step, and in that case, they're still on the same campus and can visit every day.
Don't be their enabler! Good luck in helping them to find the right place.