Hi everyone,
My mom is 72. She has been having financial issues for many years. Lived with my family and I (husband and two boys) a while back in her 60s and it was very difficult. Then, she was able to move into an apartment for a while. Later, she lost her job (close to retirement anyway) and couldn’t afford anything on her own. We had bought a much larger home in the meantime. No MIL suite, however, There were very little options for us aside from her moving in with my husband and two kids again. (There was a 3-year wait list for low-income housing.) So, she’s here and pays us rent monthly (a good amount I must add, but way less than she’d pay in an apartment.) However, some things are off-putting and one of the things was she came into our home with the rule that she refused to cook. I’m a homeschooling mom and my husband works a corporate job. We are both extremely busy, while my mom, now retired (because of us providing a home for her), does nothing all day. We included her in our dinners and finally got her to cook or at least provide dinners one day a week, but this setup has always bothered me. I do believe there are some narcissistic tendencies there and this is part of it. Her reasoning is that she hates cooking and all these years of cooking and she’s done with it, that I have to cook for my family anyway, so …? I feel it’s selfish and terribly unfair. She said she’ll clean after dinner (as we all pitch in on that as well.) Does this sound like narcissism to you? Just seeking validation because any time I bring it up, she gets annoyed and can’t have a normal conversation. It’s like talking to a 2-year-old. I’m at the point of saying no more dinners with us. She’ll have to provide for herself.
She probably felt she didn't meet her mother's expectations, either, when she was a child at home. And there is a resentment that she can't shake.
But that was then. This is now. I'm no psychologist (but I'm older than either OP or her mother).
OP can't accept the possibility that her mother is not the able adult she used to be (and it will not improve). People don't have to be eighty to suffer some senior disabilities unrecognized by younger people.
Helping Mom find a moderately priced independent living apartment, where she won't have to cook may be an answer. She will still have to take care of herself with laundry and some light housekeeping. OP and husband may have to make a small financial contribution, but it could be worth it. They will not have to do much for Mom on a day to day basis. They can concentrate on their children and their own plans.
Do you want her to have something in the oven and have to use potholders to take it out? How about taking the food out when it is done?
How about if she is frying something on the stove? Maybe she could be concerned about getting splattered with grease.
Why not involve her to work in the kitchen while you cook. As you go, she can start the cleaning process. At the end of the meal, everyone take their plate to the kitchen (this should be taught to everyone all the time anyway). Mom can finish up all the kitchen duties when she is done eating. It was her suggestion/offer - try it.
As for other tasks, there's no reason she can't help out with things during the day. No one should be sitting around all day - especially at her age. The more she sits now, the more likely she will only be able to sit later on and reduce ability to walk. Ask her for help. Ask her to remember when she worked all day long and had to manage chores after work hours. Be specific with some tasks - do a load of laundry each day and fold it ---- everyone puts their own stuff away. Maybe run the vacuum (if noise won't bother anyone working from home). Maybe mix up a meatloaf and peel some potatoes after lunch and put in the frig -- you'll pop in the oven when it's time to start supper.
There's no way I'd tell my mom she couldn't eat with us. There's bound to be some chores to swap out so you get her moving and get some help out of the deal
Instead of waiting for an apartment, why not look for a room to rent that has kitchen privileges? I did a quick search of several towns and they seem to start from $500.00 on up. That way both of you could be happy. Keep her on the low income lists however.
My opinion as long as she is contributing something to keep the household running what difference does it make?
You are the one needing care now.
Take some deep breaths, and get yourself a break.
What do you like to do for yourself?