My mom is 84 and having trouble caring for my dad (85) at home. His dementia is growing worse, he often refuses to eat or bathe and he no longer cares to socialize with their friends. He's also incontinent and she has difficulty keeping him clean. He hurt his shoulder and it bothers him so he wanders all night and screams in pain most mornings till around noon. That means she gets little rest and the doctors say there's nothing they can do for his pain. (He has no stomach due to stomach cancer so he can only take Tylenol which doesn't help.) Mom thinks an assisted living facility with a private room near her house would be a great option. She could spend time with him every day there and participate in activities with him but still maintain her own health and independence at home. My sister is infuriated and wants mom to hire round the clock care at home instead. Mom doesn't want to have to live with a third party in her small ranch style home and feels she'd be giving up any freedom she may have in the few remaining years of her own life. I see both sides. Each wants my support. Both my sister and I live too far away to be a daily or weekly relief system for our parents so I feel my mom should have the final word, I guess, but if mom makes this choice, I think my sister will completely cut her off. My mom is a higher strung person who doesn't deal well with stress and I know she's doing her best but truthfully, it might be better for my dad to be away from her for periods during the day because she gets frustrated and has meltdowns. But I can't convince sis. She's aghast that mom would even consider putting dad in assisted living and thinks it's cruel and cold. Needless to say, dad also doesn't want to leave his home or his wife. I do feel bad that my mom doesn't want to try home health first but with no kids nearby, I understand that she'd have to always have another person in her home and she's just not the type to be comfortable with that scenario.
Break down the part that taking care of dad 24/7 will take a physical/mental effect on mom and now you have two people who need help.
This decision should not have the outcome of your sister abandoning your mother, especially when nobody is close enough to check on them. Sell ranch style home and move parents closer to either of you kids. Maybe find a senior living place that can take mom and dad as hubby and wife and give them a renewal of vows and life together in a safer place :)
My girlfriend is doing that right now in Arizona with her mom and stepdad. Senior living complex where they start out with just senior living and add levels of care when they arise. For instance, medications, hygiene, memory care, etc. 3 meals a day in the dining hall. Social events and activities.
Nothing is perfect, but you just might find something that fits for you and your family. Keep looking, keep trying. you and your sister and your parents will find something that fits your family's needs.
Don't stay neutral. Back your mother, and educate your sister.
Unless, of course, you think there is an argument for an 84 year old lady to be on duty 24/7 in a small house with an incontinent dementia patient who's in constant pain. Does your sister suppose that your mother no longer needs sleep or rest or privacy?
For the shoulder pain, there are effective pain relief gels on the market - common brand names in the USA are Voltaren, Cataflam and Zipsor, apparently. Your mother should always check with your father's doctor first, but gels containing diclofenac and ibuprofen are available over the counter. And I do stress that she must check before she tries this on him. The drug is absorbed through the skin but it's none the less potent for that.
Oh, and who is going to coordinate 24/7 care. Who is going to make sure that aides show up when they are suppose to. Who is going to make sure Mom isn't taken advantage of. I think placing Dad in a AL is the best solution. This really isn't ur or sisters decision.
My older brother couldn't even handle a simple visit with mom. No care to provide. No lifting, no anything, just VISIT. During his last time in the area, we visited mom, brought pizza, I left them alone at the table to have one-on-one. I suggested a morning visit another day, bring her coffee and a donut, while I prep for condo clearing/cleaning. When I suggested another visit (later afternoon/early evening) he refused, saying he didn't know what to do with her. This from one of two brothers who BOTH said they would take mom in for that cost after first learning how much MC cost! You can't handle a simple visit and you were thinking 24/7 care??? AHAHAHAHAHA.... Some people are just clueless about what it takes - seeing/experiencing is believing - she needs a good taste.
Decision is mom's. Both of you should support whatever mom feels is best for both of them (from the sounds of it, placement is best IMO!) YOU can make that decision to support mom, but you cannot make sister change her mind. She needs to experience it - put up or shut up. Your support for mom can be key - at least she knows from one of you that this is what is best for all. You can try to explain to her how sister might be reacting and how she is basing her feelings about this on lack of information. Try to assuage mom's feelings about this, if she is afraid of losing your sister based on her decision. This is not about taking sides, but rather providing positive reinforcement for doing the right thing!
SUPPORT your mother and help her out. She wants some peace
Support your mother; she's making the only sensible decision there is.
Tell your sister she needs to come for a week and stay with your father while your mother goes on a little vacation. Even if it's just to a hotel for the week. THEN ask your sister what she thinks. This is one of those instances that unless you are the hands on caregiver no one understands what it's like.
Your mother sounds like she has really had her hands full. I feel bad for your sister to take such a stance. I won’t assume why but you seem to give her position some validity.
Regardless, both your parents will benefit from this placement. If one of you were there even to lend emotional support it might be different but your mom is making the best decision she can.
Mom may seem strong and able but this situation is far from over. Even with this help she still has a full plate. Caring for a LO at home or in a facility is all consuming. Initially she needs to rest. I hope you support that. As an advocate of an elder, there is never a truly “off” time.
It’s very hard no matter what age the caretaker is.
When I read through your dad’s list of health issues it appears your mom has already been taking care of him for many years. I’m sure she is tired.
Don’t be surprised if after she gets him placed, she has to deal with her own health issues.
Under the circumstances you’ve mentioned, she is doing the right thing to get your dad where he can be taken care of. Not only should you support her decision but hopefully you will let her know you are there for her as well.
I would loose my mind having to deal with someone screaming in pain for hours, have you ever personally experienced that? It is nerve shattering.
Please support your mom in her decision, which could not have come easily. If not she may very well die before your dad and then what?
Gently, why do you want to remain neutral?
This is not your sister’s choice. Not even a little bit. Your mom has been the one being worn into the ground. She is the one who knows your dad far more intimately. This is her husband. This is her home.
What your sister thinks/feels is irrelevant.
Your mom actually has a thoughtful, caring plan worked out. She is getting him adequate care. She is not abandoning him. She is keeping her own well-being in mind. She is setting her own very healthy boundaries on who comes in and out of her home. This is more than most people on this board have seen in this type of situation. Her kids should be making this awful decision EASIER for her, not harder.
Having caregivers into a home can feel very invasive. It can be necessary sometimes, certainly. However, in this case, it is not necessary. And she still matters too. This isn’t all about one person, it is what is best for both parties.
I would be very surprised if sis would get this upset if the roles were reversed... if Dad was exhausted caring for Mom.
Your mom isn't doing anything TO your father. The age, dementia and bodily decline are the culprits. This isn’t his fault either. And of course someone with dementia doesn’t want to leave what they know. But, your dad’s illness means those choices aren’t ones he can make objectively. It also means he isn’t able to be a partner in the hardships (i.e., she has the extra stress of being the vigilant one as strangers come into her home. Dad can’t help. Sis isn’t there every day. And Mom probably doesn’t feel all that strong.)
It sounds like she is trying to forge a path for both of them, as best she can considering what she has already been through. I am sure her caregiving time and the process of coming to this decision has been no cakewalk.
It seems pretty arrogant of your sister to make any of this about her own feelings. Sorry, but we see so many parents on these boards that refuse to make responsible choices. Your mom seems to be doing just that. I am sure she would appreciate any support you can give her.
Perhaps if your sister and you could tour the AL facility and see how it is and that it would be a kindness to your dad and your mom, it would help.
if your sister would cut her parents out of her life over this then there are other underlying issues with her. That is not a normal response.
Good luck.
Your mom seems to know her limitations as well as what's needed for his care. Especially when Alzheimer's Disease is part of the picture. That's a whole other level.
It is statistically proven that caretakers in general have a higher rate of incidence or death because of stress. Factor in a brain disease and you can double if not triple those stats.
Im sure mom is feeling guilty too as are you, which is normal. However. You both seem to approach this realistically and for the better of him.
The "cut-off" threats are part of the guilt. It is a last ditch effort to prevent his admission. Continue with what is in HIS best interest and moms and she will come around.
Regarding home health... very expensive. Especially since Alzheimer's Disease is 24 hours, around the clock care. A couple hours a day care is realistic for someone who simply needs help with ADL's not AD. Good luck.