I took her out of a Nursing Home to care for her. My mom use to be a Sassy 84 year old going out walking her dogs 2-3 times a day the Mayor of the neighborhood Mom lived next door to me in a rental.then she suffered a massive stroke and is paralyzed on her left side. They told me to prepare myself. Fast forward after intense rehabilitation and then going into a Rehabilitation/Nursing Home (I switched from one to another because of how she was being treated. Put a diaper on in the morning and didn’t change her until bed time if she did get changed earlier then they kept her in bed for the rest of the day. Mom is prone to UTI’s and twice had to be taken to the hospital. I work on the road 2 weeks a month it was very stressful for me. Finally I just brought her home this past September. What a journey… Mom has stroke, Dementia per say, and just remembers everything from the past asking where her pets, my Sister who passed away a year ago, etc. Mom's stroke happened 4 1/2months later. Mom still thinks my sister is alive she says she was her or behind or arguing with people in the hall. The doctors have told me not to correct her re my sister and change the subject due to mental processing it is VERY VERY HARD. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I am overwhelmed mentally. I went from grieving to caregiver in less than a year. My husband is supportive and retired early to help I do have an aide 25-30 hours a week to help us out. I have read a lot of answers her to try and make me take a deep breath. I don’t know what to do about my feelings I’m angry, sad and cry easy when I’m alone like right now.I have always been the strong one but I feel broken. I could be put my mom back in that kind of place and want her to thrive somewhat normally being in a loving setting. My husband says I’m in positive denial. that she has dementia. Mom is only mean towards me or yells at me. It breaks my heart to pieces for we were BFFsim just so sad. are there meeting groups for this. Do I need to talk to a shrink? I always say a bad day just last 24 hours and then you start all over.thank you all for letting me rant.
You need to take time to process who you are, where you are, and what you can and cannot do and what your future will look like. That is a lot. Yes, please see a therapist. It won't help immediately, however, they can provide skills that can help you cope so that you can function and answer those questions.
About your Mom, dementia has become the catch all term when an elderly person can't remember or does something not expected. Yes, she might have it, however, no she might not. The stroke damaged her brain. The brain can heal after a stroke, however, it does not heal evenly. Therefore, she might act like she has dementia, but maybe what you are seeing is the after-effects of the stroke.
I personally think that regardless of whether it is stroke or dementia, treating her with respect and expecting her to respect your boundaries is one of the things you have to put in place now and forever.
If she is only treating you mean and no one else, it could be that she feels you would love her unconditionally, hence, she shows and voices her frustration to you. Please consider talking to a therapist and the therapist can help you figure out how to deal with it so that it doesn't destroy you.
In the meantime, know that you are trying your best. Continue to try to do your best. However, please recognize what and where are your limits, and stay healthy. That is important not only for you, but your husband, family, and mother.
This will be one of the challenging times of your life.
I think you should speak to your doctor about counselling
and rant it all out some more!
maybe a temp course of anti depressants or something to help you cope might be in order
fur long term arrangements I would say you have reached all you can cope with and I think it’s time to release your mum
check up on her / speak to new card places on your concerns
buu I t I’d say that is the correct route fir you now fir your health sake
wishing you well
I hope it felt good to "rant", as you say. I would call it expressing your feelings.
Yes, the stroke killed brain cells, and depending on what areas of the brain were affected, will show different cognitive symptoms. It is vascular dementia.
Absolutely you would benefit from talking to a therapist, who can help you find a healthy perspective.
My husband, too had a massive stroke, after a series of mini strokes. It's been 10 years, but in the earlier years he had impeccable memories of everything pre-stroke; people's names, places, but had completely lost any short-term memory.
If one of his sons stopped by to see him in the nursing home, he wouldn't remember seeing him. He might ask for something, then 5 min. later ask for the same (or the opposite), and not remember at all what he just asked for.
He would ask to go see his mother or his brother, who both died years earlier.
It is very sad to watch someone we are close to go through this change in their mental state. It's like a whole different person.
I've been caring for my husband at home for 9 years. He has never been violent or mean (still isn't) but he is confused and scared when anyone gets close enough to touch him. He is non-cooperative for diaper changes, yelling like he's being tortured. He grabs or hits my hand away when I attempt to wash his face or any part of his body. If he gets hold of the washcloth, he will throw it to the floor. If he gets close enough to the bowl of warm water, he will knock it over.
It's a fight. Everything is a fight. I'm so tired of fighting my husband, whom I love very much, every day.
And it makes me sad that he now no longer sees me as his wife. If I remind him, he shakes his head, makes a face and says "no". He refuses to allow me a hug or small kiss on the cheek.
I cried a lot in the first years. Now, less often. This has just become our new normal way of life.
It is physically and emotionally draining every day, caring for someone as you are. You are right to seek out support. Give your husband a hug and thank him for his support :) Something like this can strain a lot of marriages.
My advice to you is: Take breaks, get away for a while.
Get to know the new person your mother has become. Try using humor, get her to smile or laugh at something silly. Don't take it personally when she seems mean to you. Instead, try and find out what it is she is trying to ask for, and can't. She is probably very frustrated and trying to express something, and it won't come out properly. That Sassiness is now on overload, with no impulse control to temper it. Try directing her attention to something else, more cheery, and less contentious, Offering a snack, or a tv show, or a walk outside.
And keep us updated as you go through this. We've all been angry and sad and frustrated! Allow yourself those feelings, but don't get swallowed up in them.
It’s a good thing you are doing. But make sure you are aware of your physical/mental limits & take care of yourself too. It takes balance, their health & yours and that balance is different for everyone. If your health (mental & physical) is spent, then will you be able to help your mom?
There are groups for general dementia, but also groups for vascular dementia that could help you too. Teepa Snow has several things that were helpful with our interaction with mom. A lot of free help, but then we decided to pay & have a consultation with her company too which gave us more help. You are definitely not alone!!
I hope you are able to find the help you need & be able to take care of both your mom & yourself in the best way for both of you.
Dementia is dementia, whether it came from a stroke or not, it will progress and worsen over time. If you are already overwhelmed, caring for mom at home long term is not doable imo. Even with an aide.
It sounds like mom was in a SNF for rehab, not for long term care. Rehab is a different kettle of fish than a long term care arrangement, so changing an incontinence brief infrequently is more common in rehab as well as being left in bed after PT is finished.
Llook into a good long term care Skilled Nursing facility for mom where you can be her advocate and see to it she's cared for properly, that's my suggestion. Seeing a psychiatrist isn't going to change the fact that you're responsible for moms care 24/7/365. A therapist may give you some coping techniques to use, but at the end of the day, another one is coming up that's the same or worse than the one before it. Such is the nature of dementia and massive strokes with paralyzing side effects. A person doesn't get better from that trauma, only worse, with more strokes likely to happen in the future, unfortunately.
You have to take a realistic approach here, imo. To upend your life and your husband's life and retirement like this is a LOT. Your lives matter too.
Best of luck to you.
Welcome to the Forum, where really we don't have any other answers than what you already know and understand within yourself. If you stay, you will feel less alone. That's perhaps as good as it gets here.
I know that you understand that there are times when taking on this task many caregivers actually do die before their loved ones. We have seen that here and we have seen spouses pass and we have seen people broken by this care.
It can literally kill you, or shorten your life, and it's my feeling that your mom, who was your best friend, would not want this for you, having had already a good and long life.
You have not asked us any questions. So really, it would be wrong of me to attempt to give you answers. You have to make your own decisions for the life of yourself and your husband.
No one can do that for you. I do believe that you know that your mother needs now the care of several shifts with several people on each one.
In your care you have changed who you are to your mother.
You are no longer her DD or darling daughter. You are now the caregiver, the decider, the one who sets all the limits and frustrates her in not having answers for her in her confusion. You are not making her life better, and may be destroying your own, imho. But I understand you do not feel you can face what long-term care is in all its imperfections.
Again, I am so very sorry.