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I am a single mom of 5 2 of my children have high functioning asbergers. I asked my mom to move in with me to help me watch the kids while i work. When i originally asked her i told her that i could pay her per day if i was able to recieve help theough mrdd for childcare if not i knew i couldnt pay her much. Now i also said i wasnt going to charge her for rent or food or any incidentals if she watched them so i could work. Now my mom has been here for 3 years almost and is telling me she wants 50 dollars a day to watch them, which with my schedule works out to 700 a month , i barely bring in a thousand a month. So i said thats fine if she wants to charge me that much then she was going to have to start paying bills. Her comment was, "I wont pay for anything you would pay for if i wasnt here.".....that is everything i pay! I dont know what to do my son who is autistic keeps telling me he hates her and she yells at him all the time and i have to tell her to stop picking on the kids constantly when im here. Oh i almost forgot she sleeps in my bedroom and im on the couch. I don't want to kick her out on the streets but im done with all the stress of what she brings to my house. Any suggestions would help ty :)

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This may have seemed like a good plan initially, but it sounds as though your mom hasn't the patience or skill set to care for a child with Autism.

Bartering child care for room and board CAN work (as with Au pairs) if there is a clear agreement about the duties and resposibilites on esch side. but if mom wants to be paid (which is not unreasonable), she needs to find a different position, one that pays that sort of rate.

It's hard to treat a transaction with family in a business-like way. You are not throwing mom into the street, you are going to give her some time to give her time to find a new apartment and job. And you need to find new childcare. Go back to mrdd and find out what afterschool care is available.

Your mom is an adult. If she needs help finding a senior apartment, help her make some calls.
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Yeah i tried that she told me she refuses to move out until i pay her for everything growing up clothes toys ect. I told her that is what you pay when you have kids, that im not responsible for that. But she wont look for anything because she knows i wont put her out on the streets or take her to court. Im so at a loss here.
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Is it possible that she's developing dementia?

You need to immediately find out about how to initiate eviction proceedings, because it can be a long process.
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You can't afford to "kick her out." No wonder you're in a dilemma. How are you raising five children on $1000 a month? It can't be done. Where is the father of your children? Have you taken him to court for child support? If you have, and he's not paying, then I assume you've had him thrown in jail.

I'm sorry, but it sounds to me that mom's an indentured servant. Tied to your home...watching your children...for room and board. She's tired of it. As well she should be,in my opinion.

You need to make some changes in your own life and hope that mom hangs in there long enough for you to make them.

If you don't need your mom there to watch the kids, you'll probably have to evict her to get her out. She has tenant's rights even though she pays no rent. For that, you're going to need an attorney.

If you MOVE, though, you are under no legal obligation to take her with you. As for her claiming that you have to pay her back for everything she's spent on the kids, etc., that's a baloney attempt to manipulate you. Don't even argue with her about it. Just tell her to take you to court. She won't. It'll shut her up. If she does, she won't win.

Get busy, girlfriend. I'm here to tell ya' life's way too short.
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This sounds like a touchy situation. I don't think your mother's request is bad, because she is providing a valuable service. I wondered where the children's father is and if he is providing any support. Working part-time with so many children and two adults and making so little doesn't seem like it will work. That appears to be the biggest problem here that is leading to insecurity for everyone. I wondered if the children's father could pay your mother.
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Maggie, you and I were thinking alike. You were typing as i was thinking about the situation. I'm never surprised when you and I come up with the same thoughts. :)
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The childrens father is supposed to pay support but it happens very rarely and i work full time 4 days one week and 3 days the next. I have more money come in if i stay at home but i dont want to live off the government and she agreed to help me. I just know that to pay her 700 a month plus pay for everything doesnt sound reasonable to me. I could get the county to pay for childcare but again i dont want the government to support me and my children. She would not make it if she moved out on her own unless she got a roomate or found a guy to be with. I know she is providing a good service for me, but she is negative and nasty to the kids ive asked her to stop and she keeps on doing it, hence the hate note from my child. They shouldnt have to feel this way tiwards their grandma, and i will never do that to my kids. If they need help and are struggling to make it on their own i would help regardless of pay, i would tell them to keep it and go do something for themselves i had them and its my responsibility to help them before and after they are in my home. I guess i have a different veiw on how life should be but i think my way is right. But i also love my kids to distraction and it was never that way with me and my sister growing up. Oh well ty for all your suggestions. Have a wonderful day :)
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Oh and also when she comes to me about things she needs like tires on the car , 600 dollars, or bills she needs paid or she wants something at the store i buy it for her i put gas in her car to make sure she can take the kids places but she never does she sits here at the house and watches tv. Just wanted to add that in forgot to write that.
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Recapping...you have 5 children, 2 special needs children. Although you discuss what your mother would like, you don't state whether you are in fact paying her anything daily for care of 5 kids.

What do you think an au pair would charge to care for 5 children, including the 2 with special needs? Mother's asking $50 a day, only $10 per child. That hardly seems unreasonable to me.

Bluntly, this sounds like an exploitive situation; I think your mother is right to put her foot down and demand more than gas money, food, etc.

And go after that deadbeat father; Friend of the Court can garnish his wages as well as any tax returns. It's irresponsible for him not to pay and equally so for you not to be pursuing all legal remedies to get child support.

I think you should help your mother find a place of her own, including Section 8 housing if that's appropriate. She's been working and underpaid in kind for years.
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Let me give you a virtual slap up the side of the head.

You are neglecting your children by not GOING TO THE WALL for the child support they deserve. Whatever it takes. Keep going back to court until you start getting a regular check. To do anything less is, in my opinion, child neglect. This money isn't for you. It's for the CHILDREN you and he decided to bring into this world.
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Moongodezz, the only thing I was thinking was that your mother could stop watching your children, but then what? If you cannot afford to pay her $50 a day, you couldn't afford to pay someone else even more. The money problem is the main one. I couldn't live on $1000 a month, so I know that seven people can't live on it.
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Was mom acting this way 2-3 years ago? You mentioned autism. Maybe she just needs a break, like respite. Does she receive any income, like social security or SSI? If she has no income and has to come to you for help, for gas, then maybe she is working too hard for very little, like Maggie said, an indentured servant, plus role reversals under daughter's control. It is good of you to allow her the bedroom. Sounds like you both are stretched to your limits for three years. I would be worried about you, and concerned for your children.
It is not unusual for a child with autism, any child, to yell out that he hates you.
Try an autism support group for you and mom to figure out how to get through this. As in any home, if there are two adults with authority and they are acting like enemies, chaos runs rampant. If it were two parents, counselors would advise the two of you to present a united front and agree. Sorry she is picking on the children, but stress and limited skills cause this, that can be remedied.
These are but a few ideas on how to start where you are to make it work in less than ideal circumstances. I worry about how you would survive with your sanity if you were home to raise 5 children alone. Can you take a few days to think about how it could work, because moving mom out under these circumstances could cause a rift that could never be healed. Is your mom having dementia as well as stress?
Just one more consideration, does mom have spending cash at least? You need to provide that, even when money is short. Try good budgeting. You don't need to explain the details of your income, but mom would not be asking for $700/mo. If you only received $1000/mo. total., that would just be insane. If that is happening, continue to find placement for her elsewhere.
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He has no job to garnish from, and you really think i should pay her more than room board and anything else she wants? She only works the days i do and the rest are hers. Im not ungrateful but when i sit her down and show her what im bringing in and the bills and receipts for everything and that i dont have half of what she wants left over after that she still wants me to pay her that, i give her money whenever she needs it that is how i have to pay her. I buy her food and pay a good majority of her bills. Isnt that payment? All in all i pay around 3 to 350 a month to her through every months bills but also like i said i pay for other things she needs when i can, i had to wait for income taxes to get the tires done. And as for an au pair id be willing to pay for a little more than room and board, which they will do that. And i know that they will interact with them, and also help me around the house, she refuses to do anyrhing its a fight for her to load the dishwasher. I guess i will have to make her leave and just stay with my kids. I didnt want to be another dredge on society but there is no way i can afford this all on my own. And she agreed not to charge me if i couldnt get help with paying for it. She is breaking our original agreement. So to me that means it is null and void and if she wants me to pay that money, then i should be able to charge rent since she has my room, shouldnt i?
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And yes i did show her i bring in 1060 a month a nd she still wants 700 plus to not pay bills
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P.S. Are any of the high functioning sons with aspergers a teenager or entering puberty? You could have some very intelligent teens misbehaving, making others look worse than they are? Just guessing here. I know aspergers.
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No though they are closing in on it lol they are 10 and 11
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She onlt takes care of the 2, 4, 10, and 11 year old the 16 year old who is almost 17 is off doing his own thing
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Wow, that's an unfortunate and unrealistic expression of dissatisfaction coming from your mom. As was mentioned, it is not that her job couldn't get that much and more. But it is not available on such a tight budget. Have you acknowledged her contibution of help? That goes a long way when you are at odds.
You do understand I am trying to show all sides of the possibilities? You are wholly justified first protecting your chidren and you. By advocating for your mom, using that perspective, I am hoping it will help you.
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It's time to renegotiate that contract in writing with mom. You can't pay for it all. Mention that on her days off, she could get a part-time job to contribute.
Excuse me, I am going to bow out for awhile because war is about to break out.
Take her to financial counseling? What is her condition anyway?
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Everyone here is offering what I consider helpful and good advice, especially SendMe's advice to find an autism support group, as well as her observation that two disagreeing adults in the household can lead to chaos. That can lead to confusion among the children who the authority figure is and to whom they need to view as being in charge.

I personally feel that an older person, whether grandmother or grandfather, should never be asked to care for children with special needs, or even 4 children under the age of 11. That's a lot for any parent to handle, let alone someone who's already raised her own child(ren) and is presumably 20 or more years at least older than you are. No wonder she's frustrated.

You're stuck right now on the financial justification issues - whether the $50/day is too much. Recognize that these are intractable and that you can't solve the issue based on the $50/day vs. your income. So put that aside so you can both move on.

And please stop playing the martyr with the "dredge on society" issue. You had these children and they're your responsibility. Step back from the quarrelsome issues and focus on carrying out your responsibility to your children as best you can. All the squabbling about how much, paying for this and paying for that is like being in a car on ice, sitting there spinning its tires and going nowhere.

And in the meantime, contact Friend of the Court; they can investigate to determine if the father is getting any kind of government support. He's living someplace, eating, one way or the other, isn't he? If he's getting support from unemployment or whatever source, the FoC will know how to deal with this so he can be made to be responsible, even though he apparently doesn't want to.

I don't know whether they would garnish government income, but it's worth a try. This guy fathered 5 children and needs to be held accountable, and the FoC can explore ways to make this happen. Let them do what they're paid to do. But don't just give up on getting anything from him.
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There's another issue here and that is that perhaps your mother is taking a strong position because she DOESN'T want to do this any more and she's forcing your hand.
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Yes, the rent should be factored into what she is receiving in exchange for her help. Put it in writing. Someone living there does cost more in everything, plus you pay for food. Calculate the going rate for the room rental, plus a roommate's share of the utilities. If you pay her, then she pays her own tires. That is common sense, and I think you know that, but can she be shown that in writing?
Is it the 10 year-old that hates her?
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That is another good perspective, garden artist.
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Yes, and yes i thought so too but she thinks shes just going to stay here no matter if she watched them or not and i tried to write something up and she said she wont pay bills i already pay if shes not here.
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Sometimes even small changes can help alleviate the stress. You may have to do that anyway in the interim before she leaves. Instead of taking the father of your children to court for support, go to the district attorney who can collect the support in so many ways.
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As I wrote, you're literally spinning your wheels on this issue of payment and her staying there. Both of you have your own justifications, but this situation is NOT working.

So move forward and look for alternatives.
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If you bring in enough money to pay your mom, you may lose qualification for things like food stamps, Medicaid for children's medical coverage, etc. I would sit down and figure out the priorities and take it from there. There is no disgrace in getting what the children need when they are entitled to it. Normally, the county/state tracks the dads down and makes them reimburse the state.

I would also question if your mom has some dementia or just age related decline. Sometimes dementia makes the person change and become disagreeable and even forget what they had previously said. Still, providing care for special needs children is stressful. Maybe she just in overload. It's understandable.

While this could be a good arrangement with your mom, it's just not working. If you think she is thinking clearly, a third uninterested party might bring you together on some terms, but that would cost money, unless you could get some reduced rate legal services from legal aid. It might be less costly than evicted her.

I
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Ignore what she says. Her budget, then your budget, in writing. The finances are black and white. While the rent is 'in kind', no money is exchanged-she won't be paying it-those expenses of hers must be factored in to what you would be paying her for her services. Budgeting help with volunteer professionals may help her see the light if presented from another person's perspective. For example:
Room and utilities. $450, food $250 personal allowance $50 miscellaneous $100
= $850 you are paying her. What is she contributing in hours, say $10/hr? That amount should come to at least $850. Then, any overages you might owe her can be deducted from this account: we are a family and we might still want you to stay with us, so anything extra that we cannot pay you comes out of your' loving the family because I am the grandmother accoubt'.
Bothe of you try to get aling before youd situation goes further south and is not only then untenabls, but unredeenable.
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Refining the electronic errors: Both of you try to get along before your situation goes further south and is not only untenable, but also irredeemable.
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Ok ty everyone you gave me lots of good ways to try to solve this. You are awesome. And this is exactly why i came here to ask a disinterested third parties opinion.
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