Hi,
I wrote about my situation last year when I was contacted about my mother because I’m her only next of kin & went no contact with her. The hospital deemed her incompetent where she lives 3,000 miles away. I stood strong saying no to being her guardian & refused to take away her phone as their solution to her calls. However, she is at the facility & stalks me with 20+ calls/ day (I block her), blaming me for her life choices, telling me she’s being starved & continued histrionics. A good friend advised I get a restraining order on her because she’s done this since I moved away @ 18, she just had different complaints. She believes my role is to serve her & is a borderline mother who can’t be pleased. I’ve tried to speak to her, but she continues to lie, manipulate & tries to convince me I’m responsible for her. I know this isn’t true but don’t know why I even care & don’t just shut her out completely? She’s been dying or threatening suicide since I was a child. She forbid me from calling her guardian but she isn’t in her right mind. She will be angry if I call to request my mother stop calling me. I save her messages to the cloud as proof of her calls because she will deny them (usually don’t listen) except I recently did because I can’t delete/save as fast as she fills my voicemail back up. I don’t want to change my number because I’ve had it for over 25 years & it’s something I’ve kept where old friends can still reach me. Basically, she lost her rights but still uses scare tactics because I’m a pushover. I did make it clear in a brief text I’m NOT responsible for her & to threaten “ they” will come find me no longer applies because she has a legal guardian and is safe. I suggested she tell her guardian if she’s going to kill herself. She literally doesn’t understand why I don’t want her in my life & I feel sorry for her despite her being a gaslighter & her willingness to do anything to hurt me if she still could. She forgets all the horrible things she’s done since I was a child, continues to do & refuses to discuss them. The bottom line is how can I take back my power by saying no more because she can’t respect my boundaries? I miss time-sensitive calls because my voice mail is full & don’t want to give her another day of my life. Should I just contact her guardian to request she leave me alone or I will have to file a restraining order? I’m sorry I wrote so much. It’s just hard because I wish I didn’t care if I hurt her feelings. I wish I could just be numb to her but it’s not my personality makeup because I’m an empathetic person. She cries we will never see each other again & I will get the call she’s dead & it will be all my fault. She said I deserve to suffer and live with the guilt I killed my mother for the rest of my life.
Anyone who may have some advice or techniques on how to deal with her would be greatly appreciated.
If she has always been this way, make peace with her through a letter. Get a P.O. Box, write her a letter that she can't reply to. In it, speak your heart, but show strength by telling her that you are both grown people, you care about her, you wan what's best for her, but you will not allow her to manipulate you. You're done with that (you'd be surprised at how your being independent and strong, but loving, will affect her).
It's not about feelings, but about facts and what needs to be done. We can't control how other people treat us, but we can control how they affect us.
I had a step mother like that, and it terrified me when my brother and me discovered she had been taking our dad's money and paying herself to care for him. I was never able to stand up to her, until she hurt my father like that and took his life savings. get out of the feeling zone. It's on her whether she decides to receive your love, and on her whether she decides to behave. If she doesn't, the consequence is that she will be taken care of, but she will not be allowed to inflict pain on others. You've got to heal and grow up into the woman you were created to be. You will find yourself stronger than you've ever been, and remember, guilt is not from God. So, know that it isn't God making you feel that way. Walk with the Lord, and discover what true freedom feel like. God bless you in your journey.
At any rate, with a lifelong history such as this, put mom in the rearview mirror. No contact from you. Delete (or store, as you've done) her messages without listening.
There are no techniques left. She is who she is, will do what she does.
Rearview mirror. Leave the venom in the dust. Don't look back.
You don't want to change your old phone number, and people have offered possible solutions to that.
If she continues to clog your phone b/c options suggested don't relate to your phone, you really don't have a choice, do you? New number. New phone. Whichever.
Nothing will change unless something changes. A different number at this point seems the lesser of the continuing evils you describe.
I tried a couple other brands, but VTech was the better choice based on how it handled the blocked calls.
Totally different situation, but my mom was calling me upwards to 17 x/day, filling up the voicemail, I’d miss other calls due to full voicemail or ringer off, etc..I still had to keep in touch with her of course..…Finally I figured out I could add a second phone to my contract and that’s what I did. THAT ringer is on, I give that number only to friends and necessary important in-calls. Mom has never known this number existed. Minor nuisance sometimes with two numbers , and annoyingly the spam calls found me, but I swear the second I got that second number it was like angels singing, ‘aaaaaa’ a huge relief!
Fyi I did this a couple of years ago w/Verizon. Had to pay $140 plus 40$ ‘activation fee’ ( urg ) but since then its $6 month which has been the best 6 bucks/mo spent ever. I got the cheapest phone they had which was a LG flip phone and ironically of course it has better reception than the ‘smart’ phone. Mom gets ONE call a day via the number she knows and I don’t miss doctor callbacks and whatnot so long as they have my stealth number. Overall friends were understanding - we all lose phones and switch numbers anyway. Now they have 2 numbers.
Super stealth ‘dumb’ phone. Love it! Best to you in your situation..