She is incontinent, and walks with a walker when she feels like it although she has fallen several times. She told me if I put her in a home she will stop eating and die and it will be on me. I am 65 years old, still working, and take care of my grandchildren 3 days a week. My husband and I have not been on a vacation in over 10 years. How do I get her to understand I can’t take care of her and help my husband too? She has always been very selfish and doesn’t do anything. I clean her in law apartment downstairs and have tried to get help come in but she refuses. Can I just tell her she has to go???
"I have spoken to her about going to live with my sister who although she lives an hour away has seem Mom once in 3 years. My sister wants $35,000 to take her! "
"I have a brother and sister who have done nothing to help us but have opinions about everything."
"My mother has a will and has CD’s saved for all three of us. My husband and I took care of my Dad for 5 years until he past away and now Mom for over 15 years with no help from them. She is 90 years old and has let everyone equal money and says she can do whatever she wants with it. I feel when the time comes and she is no longer with us they will still expect a payoff. They will get it and I won’t see them or speak to them again. I don’t know if this helps but as my brother and sister say we chose to do this and they are still her children although they do nothing to take care of her."
You've also said that your mother pays for nothing. Nothing in 11 years?
Sounds like you have had enough of martyrdom. Your poor husband! PLEASE place your mother somewhere and enjoy life with your husband before it is too late.
What are your mother's finances? What has she been doing with her money for the 11 years she's lived with you? SS? Pension? Assets? What else does she have besides those CDs?
You've been posting on this site since 2019. Do you think the time has finally come for her to go live somewhere else? You CAN make that happen!
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Show it to your mother and explain that she must move out for your health (which is the truth). Tell her you will help her find a nice assisted living apartment nearby and will help her move into the place in 2 weeks. Tell her you will visit weekly - and more often if you can.
Otherwise, just tell her you can not care for her anymore while your husband has cancer and needs you more. Help her find the assisted living apartment and help her move in. Visit weekly - or when you can.
May I suggest also talking with your children about finding other sitters for 2 (0r all) days of the week so you can focus more on helping your husband. Also, let them know that you and your husband will be taking a vacation and will be unavailable for a week to mind grandchildren. Then, plan that vacation and go!
Let me explain something to you. Moving your mother into a care facility where her health and safety will be maintained and she'll be taken care of is not "dumping" her.
Dumping her would be if one night you put her in the car, drove many, many miles away from civilization then kicked her out of the car and drove off. That would be dumping her.
Deciding that the elder can no longer live in your house and finding them a decent and even nice place as an alternative is not dumping them somewhere.
As for your mom not being here with you forever, I've got news for you. None of us will be here forever, yourself included. No, it's not a crime to grow old. The ones who grew old are lucky they had a long life. That does not mean that their families have to live in miserable servitude until they die.
'Taking care' of a person is not catering to their every need, want, and whim. It is not allowing them to rule your home, your life, and your family with an iron fist like a medieval king. That their word is law and that's it. Many elders don't understand that giving them what they need isn't always what they want. Taking care of one of our elderly loves ones means making sure they're living safe and are being properly cared for. It doesn't mean you have to be the one doing it.
If you don't mind her living in the in-law apartment tell her..
"Mom if you want to continue to live here you have to let me get someone to come in and help me take care of you. I can not do this all by myself" "If you refuse to allow that then we will have to look for Assisted Living places for you, we can start looking on Monday"
THEN..
"Mom I love you very much but right now my husband is my priority"
"My grandkids, YOUR great grandkids are also in need of my help right now"
"And I need to take a little better care of myself. I need to set boundaries"
"If you stop eating and die that is YOUR choice not mine. I do not want that to happen, the grandkids don't want that to happen either"
You also need to call her doctor and ask for some therapy to come in to get her up and moving with assistance to ensure she maintains strength. That's another point to bring to her attention - she has to be able to move around. If she has money to cover expense of 24 hour care, ok. If not, facilities have people and equipment to handle the kind of care people need when they become bedbound.
She also has another choice if she is going to make it difficult for a housekeeper or an aide for her to come in - she can help you pick out a facility or you can select it.
Another thought is: you are taking care of grandchildren 3 days a week. How about those parents coming in on their days off to help tend to gr gr'ma and grandpa. To be working and being a day care PLUS the adult care is too much for anyone. The parents could take a turn or provide payment that it would cost at outside day care to cover some inhome assistance that you need.
Is it really harsh to protect your own mental health? When you are a caregiver to elderly people, and once again I've been one for almost 25 years, protecting YOUR OWN mental health must be a top priority for the caregiver.
A caregiver for elders and children has to know how to walk away and ignore sometimes. When we don't, we cannot maintain the level of patience and self- control necessary to do this work. What happens next is elder abuse or child abuse and that is far harsher than ignoring someone for a bit so you can keep yourself under control.
Maybe your experience being the caregiver for an elderly person has been positive. That happens too, but it isn't so for all caregivers.
So please do climb down off your Cross and stop judging others for how they handle their caregiving situations. Have a nice day.
You need to make your own choice here and my home is no longer an option."
Oh, be sure and tell her to make sure she always has clean undies on, wouldn't want anyone to see dirty panties when she dies of starvation.
My dad tried this childish crap and he didn't like it when I told him that he would be spanked and stood in a corner if he was 3. He would get so angry but, he was acting like a spoiled toddler and I wasn't going to be manipulated by it. Grow up mom!
Your mom is incredibly selfish.
Your mom is manipulative, stop feeling bad.