They do not both meet the requirement of failure to do two ADLs, which is required by their long term care insurance that they have paid into for many years. But, they are not showering or doing laundry. And her cooking is worrisome, with her memory loss. She is also mean to my Dad, yet jolly to those on the phone. How can we help them when she won't allow it?
Sadly, we are seeing more and more posts like yours on this forum. I wish I had the perfect solution for you! It really does become challenging to care for parents when they behave this way.
Do you live near your parents? Is it possible for you to let them in the first time or two and then reassure her that they are there to help?
Give us more information on your situation and we will try to help you further.
Best wishes to you and your family.
A doctor must say that they cannot do two of the ADLs for 90 consecutive days for he insurance to pay. My parents can physically raise the fork to their mouth, so they are "able to eat." Not fair, but the long-term care policy rules. They can do all of the other ADLs, currently, but have chosen not to, over time. My parents have paid over $100,000 into long term care insurance, over 30 years for it to be available when they need it, but do not yet qualify. My dad is 86, and mom is 82.
My brother and his wife do all they can, but cannot be there enough for them. They have POA. They do all their financial work. My mother says she takes her medication. She does not. We can see that by the "refill" dates. And she cannot cope with doctor appts., the scheduled appt. is too threatening. She will not go. Also, shs particularly rude to my sister-in-law, who is trying so hard to help.
My father is perhaps less functional than my Mom. But he is amenable to most ideas and compliant, other than going to AL. She is the problem. They also have an older, beloved dog that she will not leave. She does not want to be obsolete. Nobody does. She commonly lies about doing things, like showering and laundry which are easily noticeable. She believes going to AL and taking away her yard and outdoor space is tantamount to punishment.
Her short term memory is terrible, but she passed the memory assessment TWICE! We have no idea how. We are a loving family, and could never have predicted her behavior. I know there are others out there like us. Any suggestions are truly appreciated.