My Mother-in-law is a drug addict and also doesn't handle alcohol well. Anyone have any idea how to handle this?

I would take her to a quick lunch on Christmas Eve and then you and your husband go to your nice dinner on your own. There's no reason she's got to eat dinner with you on Christmas Eve.

I suspect that I am more vocal than many people, but, I think that I would likely ask her if she realizes how unpleasant she is due to drugs and alcohol. I'd explain that I didn't care to be around it. You might act as if she isn't aware of it. As Blannie said, suggest to have lunch without cocktails and decline any dinner plans. I see no reason that I should have to feel miserable, so others can feel fine. I would never expect that from others. Oh, can your husband tell her this or must it be you?

You might ask her if she wants a referral to a place to get help with her problem. If not, there's not much you can do.

Mom, Sweetie and I haven't been able to spend as much time together as we need. This year we need to do more things as a couple, without others. We'll be doing our holiday dinners alone this year.

OR

I know if your realize this, Mom, but your drinking and using drugs can make you quite unpleasant to be around sometimes. Not always, but we are not going to risk it this year. We'd be glad to bring a nice meal home to you.

You don't have to be held hostage by your mother's behavior. There's nothing that says she has to join you. And because she is an alcoholic/addict there's nothing wrong in not including her. And be honest about it. Tell her that her behavior makes everyone uncomfortable and there will be no family dinner this year.

I know it's a difficult conversation to have but you're well within your right to have it. Soften the blow by telling her you'll bring her a doggie bag.

Do not give her the option of going along. Tell her, "Motherinlaw, we're bringing you a wonderful Christmas dinner from _____ restaurant and you'll even have leftovers! We'll see you around 7 pm."
If you leave it open, she can worm her way in. If you close the subject, by making a statement of fact, then she can't say anything.
If she says she wants to go too, do the "broken record" tactic. "We'll be bringing a big dinner from ______'s." Keep on saying it, in different ways, as many times as it takes until she gets the message. 👵🏼 😜

Thanks for all of the great suggestions.....Merry Christmas!

Don't have alcohol in your house, or keep it under lock and key, and don't take her to a restaurant where she can drink. That will solve one problem. If she's drunk or high when you pick her up you tell her that you are sorry she's "sick" and leave her at home with the promise of bringing her food later. We did this with my mom-in-law. I loved my mother-in-law when she was sober and this worked well for us.

Joysuthe, My mother is an 84 year old alcoholic, living with my husband and me for the past 12 years. She could no longer live alone safely due to her extreme drinking. She was falling down, driving while drinking, etc. We built a mother in law apt on the ground floor of our home for her. I cannot remember a time (even since early childhood) when my Mom was sober during the holiday season. After she retired from work 22 years ago, she would drink heavily all year but on holidays, there was no counting, she would just drink until she passed out, and when she awoke, drink again. Three years ago, my Mom nearly died of an esophageal tear, a common complication of alcoholism. Now, while totally dependent for cleaning, shopping, and cooking she continues to demand 3 beers and 3 glasses of wine a day. At this rate she is not 'drunken', she is satisfied and relatively happy. She states that its half what she drank previously and since she is old she should be able to do as she pleases. If I refuse her the beer and/or wine, she says I'm abusing her. Amazingly, even her doctor's nurses, knowing she has cirrhosis of the liver, tell her and me its OK for her to drink 'a few' drinks/day. Getting my Mom to reduce to 'a few' has caused nothing but arguments and a generally ugly family atmosphere. Alcoholism is a serious disease with no known cure except from within that person. Stating to your MIL that she becomes unpleasant while drinking WILL open a Pandora's box. Addiction, even if its a seemingly harmless one like sugar/carbohydrates for a diabetic, causes great pain within families. Only you and your husband can determine what is acceptable within your family. God Bless you all on this journey...

Great advice here! It would also be good to make sure you and your husband are on the same page as to what you're going to do and what you will allow on a consistent basis with your MIL. We've had to do this with my Mom, since she expects a lot despite the fact that she rarely gives of herself. We've set our boundaries, and been as diplomatic and respectful as possible enforcing them. We establish dates and times ahead of time, so she doesn't have unrealistic expectations of what we are/are not going to do. We also have a family member who we deal with who wants his own way, so we always "head him off at the pass" by calling him first and saying what's happening, instead of him catching us off guard or making us uncomfortable by unrealistic expectations of us. There is nothing wrong with saying what you will and will not accept, and/or making sure you set things up so you are not held hostage by your MIL's bad choices and intolerable behavior. Best of luck to everyone to have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Ah. This is my area. Both of my parents were alcoholics.

Very simply, tell her the truth. Detach from the outcome and do it anyway, as we used to say in Al-Anon. Also I recommend Al-Anon - the 12-step group for friends and families of alcoholics. You can find meetings by calling the Alcoholics Anonymous phone number in the white pages of your phone book.

There's nothing to be gained from lying, really. I have strong feelings about this, but basically, I think lying to an addict is just another form of enabling them.  I DO NOT believe in enabling addicts.  I believe enabling an addict protects them from the consequences of their actions, and that protecting them from the consequences of their actions is protecting them from the consequences of their addiction.   And if someone is always protecting them from the consequences, they will never get better. 

I mean, maybe if it's your boss and you HAVE to lie, or risk losing your job. Or if it's some friend you see once a year at reunions. But I assume you are in love with your husband and plan to be with him for a very long time. That means your MIL is going to be part of your life for a very long time. 

There's nothing gained from lying to your MIL, or in humoring her, except for the heartache and pain you'll feel in an even greater way down the road, when you realize you've willingly made yourself part of a co-dependent relationship, and you've allowed her to believe her behavior is ok with you. Are you prepared to pretend you're ok with all this, for the rest of your MIL's life? Are you prepared to lie to her, lie FOR her, make excuses for her, coddle her, pick her up off the floor when she passes out, clean up her vomit, or deal with however bad it's going to get?  (It could get VERY bad.)  Are you prepared to do these things in front of your children or future children? What would you be teaching them?

Tell the truth. Call her out. Let her think about it, or get smashed in retaliation, but whatever the outcome, speak your truth and stand by it. Speak your truth even if it makes you shake.  Don't worry about how others judge you for it. Let other people be content to enable an addict, but don't be one of those people. Enabling an addict is the opposite of helping them.  You would NOT be doing her any favors.

Where is your husband in all of this? He must know that his mother has a problem. He must have known it when he settled two blocks away from her. Has he ever addressed her drug use and drinking with her? Did he hope he could keep her or the situation under control by being close by? Is he the only child or are there siblings to help? You should know that alcoholism is a family disease - not that someone like your husband is necessarily an addict, but the disease impacts the entire family. Especially if he grew up with it. If he can't or won't back you up in calling her out, then you have another problem on your hands, for which I especially recommend Al-Anon.

They say every addict has to hit their own rock bottom before they decide to get better. In my parents' cases: for mom, it was when she didn't have me to caretake or cover up for her anymore; with my dad, it was the risk of losing our relationship. Whatever your MIL's rock bottom is, you and your husband can't help her climb back out of it if you never acknowledge how fast she's falling in the first place. 

I would do lunch with her in a place that does not serve alcohol...and then later go to dinner alone and not tell her about it.

Addictions of any kind seem to terrorize and control others in the family. We put up with that for years with SIL because MIL insisted nothing was wrong with SIL though she would show up late, pass out on plate, etc. This denial lead to SIL knowing no bounds and dying from her addiction last Winter. MIL still denies what lead to SILs death. It is sad but fact that now the family dinners seem normal. Perhaps it could have been better all along had MIL not denied that something was wrong with SIL and set rules and bounds.

Just another thing to add....you have a tool that I didn't when I was younger. Your smartphone. Video record her (or audio record if you have to do it in secret) when she is exhibiting those behaviors. Don't be afraid to play it for her when you call her out and she dismisses your concerns. I wish to h*** I'd had a tool like that when my parents were drinking.

Dorianne's post speaks a lot of truth from what she knows. Please consider Al-Anon and do not enable her behavior by lettting it dictate your plans. And put you in an uncomfortable and embarrassing situation. You do have a right to peace and a nice holiday. Don’t feel guilty as she is the one with the disease and behavior causing this painful experience. You have to face facts and just say No (setting boundaries). You can also go to dinner but tell her in advance there will be no alcohol ordered this year. I’m sure she will probably pitch a fit, but then will not want to go, which solves the issue. 

Good responses, one and all.. As a recovering alkie myself with 31 years without a drink, I know a bit about the addiction....A big thing to know is that reasoning with an alkie is useless. Even more useless if it is from a family member..

One nice person suggested telling her you will bring a nice meal from ________ restaurant...Very nice thought, but what if she calls a cab and shows up there?

"Hubs and I are dining out alone this year...we will bring you a nice dinner on our way home." Better yet, have a restaurant deliver the meal...

When she asks why, just say you have decided to be alone this year...whatever her next question is (or accusation) deflect it and say you are not discussing your decision further....(It can be done, although likely difficult)

Keep in mind that you will not slow down or stop her drinking...Many think that reasoning long enough will do it...It won't. Alcoholics anonymous can help, but only if she initiates contact...

Grace + Peace,

Bob

My parents moved down the street from me 15 years ago. I didn't know, but somewhere after I moved out of their home, they started drinking heavily. After retirement, their drinking started sometimes as early as 7 AM. I begged them to change but over about an 8-year period, things only got worse. I had to "detach" as previously mentioned and let the chips fall where they may. I'm honestly sorry that they moved so close to me and that I had to witness and become a victim of this. My advice is to do everything you can to keep MIL at a distance or you and your family will become victims as she declines. A 35-year old alcoholic is bad enough, but an alcoholic over the age of 70 is a daily drama with daily life threatening consequences. Elderly alcoholics are really accountable to no one (no more job, little driving, etc.), therefore, they fly under the radar in general, except for their impact on family members.

Bob knows.

Just to add, I'm not suggesting reasoning with her. I'm suggesting speaking your truth. These are your own words, basically: "I don't enjoy (your) company.....slurred speech, boring, repetitive, (don't) listen.........passive aggressive, snarky comments. (You go) out of (your) way to focus attention on (your)self and wreck the occasion. I'm so very tired of this. I don't want to be held hostage every holiday. I really don't want (you) to come because of (your) drunken, drugged up behavior."

Sounds harsh, I know, and you don't have to put it that way. But it IS how you feel. It's how you're letting her make you feel when you put up with her behaviors, or when you try to accommodate her behaviors in sneaky ways like lying. Addicts should know that their behaviors harm other people. Many of them DO know. They shouldn't be protected from the consequences of that.

DORIANNE: Thank you for your posts! As you stated, your recommendations are harsh, but this situation is terrible. Family members need to be honest and establish boundaries for their own good. I know it's easy for me and others to say, but it's better to have those tough moments of stating your truth than years of living a harder life than the family members deserve.

If she is in otherwise good health and this is her "only" problem then I would have a discussion with her. This might be best if it were to come from her son though...
Tell her what is expected. No drinking, no "snarky" remarks.....
If things start going down hill you will give her a warning if the behavior continues then she has to go home. And you will have to follow though. If she starts you give her her warning and if it continues you get her coat and tell her it is time to leave.
If you are at her house you get your coat and leave.
Problem with this is you will miss out on the rest of the family gathering.

As far as you being stressed. Her behavior falls on her. It is not a reflection of you or her son. If this is a whole family gathering they all know what the deal is and they probably expect this from her. Not that anyone likes it but that is who she is and probably has been like that her entire life. Probably not going to change her now.

If she does not realize what she does have someone do a video of her and show it to her when she is sober. This might help her realize what you are talking about. Not that it will change anything.
All this is what a lot of families have to deal with. No family is "perfect" and for someone that has drug and or alcohol problems this is a very difficult time for them. Every one expects perfection (thanks to all the Happy holiday books and movies) and it seems that alcohol is more free flowing this time of year than at any other time. If you want to make it easier for her provide and serve NO alcohol to anyone during your gatherings. It just might improve everyone's attitude. And one or two parties with no alcohol will not kill anyone and it may save a lot of frustration.

I'm just wondering what drugs exactly this 90 year old lady is addicted to, and whether they're perhaps px'd meds which interact badly with even small amounts of alcohol. Not sure what sort of behaviours I'm meant to be visualising.

You still don't have to have a miserable Christmas Eve. You should still feel free to make whatever arrangements most appeal to and suit you. You have every right to set your own boundaries around your own space; you don't have to justify them by blaming the person you want to keep out.

My sister died of alcoholism and a heavy smoking habit. Over the past 30 years or so it resulted in throat cancer, a particularly horrible way to end your life. Going out to dinner with her was a nightmare. She would already have had several drinks before we went out and then would had Manhattans throughout dinner. Finally, totally intoxicated, she would lash out viciously at anyone around her. I joined AlaNon. This group is for family, friends and relatives of alcoholics and will help you learn techniques that will ease this situation. There are dozens of choices. It means changing your behaviors as well as unwittingly you are fuel to fire. I know several people have come up with good answers but AlaNon is a must for you and your husband. Just for starters I would take her out alone to a restaurant that does not serve alcoholic beverages. There are such places. Also changing your habits by following the suggestion from SueC1957 and jeanniegibbs. Change your behavior and she has no choice but to change hers. You won't stop the drinking or drugging but sometimes small changes can start an avalanche of introspection. Also remember that you are all in this together - a sort of macabre dance. Change is an absolute for all affected members of your family system.
The only thing that helped me with my sister who, in the last 8 years of her life, lived with an addict, was distance. I loved one state away. It helped a lot. God bless.

Anyone dealing with alcoholics and/or drug addicts should read and re-read Dorianne's posts and Old Bob's post. They have spoken the truth. As a child of an alcoholic father, I know just what they are talking about. They have both made perfect sense about enabling and boundaries.

I have a couple of things in common with your MIL. The effects of alcohol abuse do seem to get worse as people age. 

I like the "husband and I have decided to go out on our own as a couple this year." You get to not be around behavior you don't want to be around, and she gets to save face. 

Take her out to lunch, so you don't have to bring her back a meal as a reminder of the one she wasn't invited to. 

I can totally understand why you don't want her around, but try not to resent HER. You haven't walked in her shoes. If she is an active alcoholic, she really has lost the power of choice when it comes to alcohol. 

I am not sure there are any real "enablers;" I think people are all too willing to aggrandize their roles in someone else's addiction.  If she's an alcoholic, she would find a way to drink even if your entire family dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow. It sounds as if she already procures her own supply. 

It's hard for everybody. I know. I'm pretty sure it's no picnic for her either. It's like having a severely mentally ill family member. 

Well, take care of the Christmas dinner issue first.  I hope everything goes well for you. 

Having grown up around alcoholic parents, I can clearly tell you what I would do about this situation as an adult. First, just from your description I know for a fact I would not deal with it, so she wouldn't be invited. I personally would never have those kinds of people anywhere around me especially not in my home. You mentioned she lives only two blocks from you. I personally would not want to live that close to a drunken relative. I would have a very serious discussion with my spouse and tell them I'm about to leave with or without him if I were in your shoes and I'd immediately start packing. I would get as far away from this person as I possibly could.  To be honest with you, I'm actually very surprised you didn't know about this person before you got married. If you did, shame on you for allowing yourself to be in this situation because you're actually part to blame for enabling this person. You may not think you're enabling them  but read your description again and you'll see exactly what I mean. Rewarding them for bad behavior is no way to handle them. One perfect example of what I'm talking about is where you say you actually bring them a nice dinner they weren't invited to. That's enablement believe it or not, and that's one good example of rewarding them for bad behavior because they're only going to continue the bad behavior as long as they know they're going to be rewarded  and not held accountable. I think my parents were very miserable in their golden years because they were the ones that made the bad choices and they chose to push me away and not make it right when I found out about my sister. They never made it right with me for the 13 years of abuse I had to be rescued from and they never told me why they killed my sister so they never confessed. Imagine losing a family member at the hands of an alcoholic. This is why I want nothing to do with drunks. Therefore, I'd set ground rules in my household and if anyone had anyone over who turned out to be alcoholic it would either be they go or I go, but we both wouldn't be under the same roof guaranteed! I lost my sister at the hands of my abusive parents and my rescue marked my commitment that never again means never again. What you're describing of your MIL it's just the warning signs of what can happen next. What you're describing is a toxic person who doesn't need to be in your life. You may be related through marriage but you don't have to put up with her, her behavior or her toxic choices. I know I personally would never put up with it for a second and the more you put up with her, the more you're actually enabling her by telling her it's OK to do what she's doing. As kids we have no choice but as adults we don't have to put up with it nor do we have to be tricked into believing a lie that we have to put up with them just because they're relatives. You better hope she's not driving while drunk because the law will come down hard on her and then your family will have an even bigger problem to deal with if she hits someone with her car and maybe even kills someone. The problem will definitely be bigger if she hits and maybe even kills someone's child. She better not be behind the wheel and I'm saying this as a concerned driver and also an adult child of two drunken abusive parents who actually killed my sister two years before my birth. I personally would never put up with what you're describing and this person would definitely not be coming around me, I don't hang with those kinds of people I want nothing to do with them. They have no place in my life except my prayers. Give them enough rope and they'll eventually hang themselves guaranteed. When they do, you don't have to be anywhere around if you know how to make healthy choices and apparently someone in your family doesn't know how to set boundaries. 

Another choice you can make is to choose not to be at this Christmas dinner. Apparently this in law is on the other side of the family and not yours but you don't have to be there to put up with it and make this known well in advance by having a family meeting. I personally would address this and if no one wants to talk about it then that would be my answer right there because it would tell me everything I need to know. Therefore, I would choose not to be at this Christmas dinner. If someone asks, just be honest and tell them what you told us here and even show them this post. You can also show them my post since I'm the adult child of two alcoholic parents who happened to have lost my sister who is buried in the baby section of one of the cemeteries in Lorain county Ohio. I have not only copies of my sister's death certificate, but also the newspaper article and all of the court documents. If you don't think alcoholics can get dangerous, just go visit a cemetery sometime especially in the baby section and ask yourself how many of these people actually died at the hands of an abuser, especially an alcoholic. Again, what you're describing or just the warning signs of what can happen next and before you read the end of this post, another alcoholic will take another life

IM, I am surprised Mom has lived to be 84. God Love you for caring for her. My family weren't drinkers so I am uncomfortable around drunks. Don't think I could live with alcaholic.

How does your husband feel? Because he is the one who should tell his Mom why he isn't taking her. I like the lunch thing but maybe more a brunch. You don't have to go. Just he and Mom. Then dinner just u too. Such a shame when an addicted person can't see what they are doing to others. And u don't have to be an addict. I have a friend who has multiple heath issues and no longer drives. She has alienated her two sons by her white lies and "poor" me attitude. But, she doesn't take advantage of Services she could get with her income. Her one son doesn't think she is as bad off as she says. She was told last Xmas that she was not invited to dinner because they didn't
want the drama. Did she learn from this...no. Its them not her. Hope u get ur nice Xmas.

I've been in similar situations. The issue is between you and your MIL. It's not between your husband and his mother. In fact, the issue you have with your MIL could be stressing out your husband and making him unhappy. Let your husband and his mother go out and enjoy themselves and use the time to do something you want to do. This includes birthdays other than your own and holidays.

About your MIL's passive aggressive behavior, calmly point it out as soon as it happens. If alcohol is causing her to say mean things, then point it out when she says something mean. Tell her how it makes you feel. Ask her if there is something that is bothering her and then listen.

Your MIL is an adult. Only she can stop drinking. Let her know how you feel about her drinking. Keep alcohol out of her sight and take her to restaurants that don't serve alcohol. If she continues to drink, you can choose to leave or stay anyway, knowing that her behavior is being influenced by the alcohol. That's about all I can do.

Also, she may never hit rock bottom and may never want to give up drinking. It depends on how much she drinks every day, how many years she's been drinking, from what age she's been drinking, how well she feels she's functioning, how much she wants to keep the relationship, ...

Great responses. Yes, you and Hubby need to agree on not taking her, no matter what. Whether you tell her why or not is up to you. If you want to tell her later, that is ok also. Good luck.

When I first married, both sets of parents wanted us for holidays. We told them we'd go to one for Thanksgiving, and the other for Christmas. That was thwarted by both sets postponing a holiday meal so we could be there also, both times. We were exhausted from driving, eating, and meeting their expectations, though it was nice to be wanted. The second year they reversed who we ate with first. That was it. The third year we spent Christmas on a ski vacation in Vermont, insulting all parents equally.

Does she want help from this life style? If so, you can get help by going on the site ReformU.com. It is a bible-based support group for all kinds of addictive habits held once a week at churches worldwide.

My 89-year old father became an alcoholic after his retirement at age 59. Four years ago, he fell and hit his head in a parking lot and got a concussion. His blood test showed that he was intoxicated. He also went through the delirium tremens while in the hospital. He has had dizziness ever since and blames it on the concussion, but at this point I believe that it is from the alcohol abuse. My late mother was in denial about the severity of the problem and I am amazed that she went places with him while he drove. She said that they were once stopped by a cop who told him that he was drunk and he was only given a warning but I think that the cop should have arrested him. He was not only endangering my mother, but potentially others.

After the head injury, he did stop drinking and my mother insisted on having no alcohol in the house. He was allowed to have 1-2 drinks 'socially' but I think that that is a mistake. My mother passed away two years ago and I have been living in their house with my father. I met with an Eldercare attorney a couple of years ago and the legalities pretty much mean that I have to live in the same house for at least two years because he cannot live alone. It has something to do with being deeded the house which sounded like a good idea at the time.

But lately my father has had a renewed interest in consuming alcohol. He now wants to go to restaurants and casinos more often so he can have his 'social' drinks. He also brought a bottle of wine home on two separate occasions in November and said conflicting things about what the wine was for. I insisted that I would not have it in the house and he attempted to strangle me but I resisted and he lost his balance and fell on the carpet. He will never admit that he is an alcoholic, even with the blood test results after the head injury.

I have thought about going to Al Anon but not sure if it would help. He has always had inappropriate anger responses (he wants something to become angry about), interrupts people and demands their immediate attention. Not sure what can be done realistically when someone is past a certain age. I just am surprised that nobody talked to him about it before he was released from the hospital after his head injury. And he is on several meds, one is Risperidone and I know that it is not recommended to drink alcohol while taking it. But he dismisses that as well. He is toxic enough to live with normally and I certainly don't want alcohol to be back in the picture.

I see many have given you great advice. I agree with others and don’t do any more dinners out just a nice lunch or brunch the day before.

If u don’t feel comfortable confronting her behavior, just set the date as a day earlier for the lunch and say it’s less busy, less expensive and that’s what u chose it. Then u and husband and family do your own thing.


Don’t let her bully you and guilt you. If she does, then be honest and simply state there will be no drinking or go someplace that does not serve alcohol or get waiter aside and tell him not to serve any alcohol at your table.

My family had drinking problem. I solved by taking control, inviting all to my house and serving meal early — no alcohol. My dad would bring and I simply said “we aren’t serving alcohol in my house today”....they got it and knew why. We always had a nice visit and they could all go home in time for their own cocktails.