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My short answer - don’t do it. My mom and step dad always assumed they’d move in with me when the time came - and then they had to stay with us for a week after my step dad had a heart attack. Then my mom needed to be hospitalized and they really wanted her to go to an adult family home (without him). I absolutely knew that neither my husband or myself could live with them and be happy. I really stood my ground and helped get my mom on Medicaid and them into assisted living together. It’s been 8 months and I know they still are a bit hurt that it wasn’t in with us, but I guess I felt like I could live with a little guilt as opposed to us being miserable. Stand up for what’s best for you!
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your mother is either being selfish bc she doesn't want to go to assisted living or is afraid being alone at her age. having no other family to help out is not good. although you could have family and still have to do things alone. trust me on that one! don't allow gult feelings to get in the way of how you would like to live. you are close enuf now!! can you get an aide to help out or any friends of yours who are good with seniors. how about telling your mother that going to at least a daily invite with people her age would be good for her eg. a senior bus trip or senior lunch, sometimes experiencing that is the first step. Good luck
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Don't do it. It ruined my marriage. Now we're divorced because of her. She was at our house about every night. Where do I get the peace at?
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
Daddy,

So sorry that your marriage was ruined.

Even if a marriage survives though, it is still stressful. Privacy goes out of the window when a parent lives with us.

Sometimes parents interfere in our lives. It’s difficult, for sure.

I regret that my husband and I didn’t have more time alone with each other.
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Nope, nope, nope.
Her wants do NOT supersede your needs.
You live right next door and are doing plenty for her.
The sulking will not stop just because you give in and move her in with you.
In fact, she will see that it worked and will do it even more over every little thing.

I'm glad to read that she has money. Let her continue with her current situation and then AL or SNF as needed.
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No is a complete sentence. It’s one I struggle with, but really, “No” truly is a complete sentence. What I mean by this is for every reason you give, she has a counter. Stop giving reasons.

”No. Let’s talk about something else.”
”No. Oh, look at the time, I have to go.”
Etc.

I took care of my dad for 4 years. The first 2 he was in his house, and I in mine, 5 miles away. I alternated locations where I cooked and where we ate meals as Dad could still drive. Then he became seriously ill. He moved in with us for about 5 months, until a health crisis meant he had to be closer to services (we’re rural). Those 5 months were exceptionally tough, rewarding, tough, tough and tough. And we got along great. Not the situation with you and your mom.

You spent 9 years with hands on caring. That is plenty. You already know that living in the same space will not work.

No is a complete sentence.

My best, and good luck!
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TouchMatters Dec 2022
Like a rose, no is no is no.
Although I wouldn't recommend continuing the conversation.
I would encourage this daughter to state her feelings and boundaries and then stop talking about it. The / her mother won't stop as she wants to persuade the daughter (due to fears - likely isn't really about money).
Whatever the situation, the daughter needs to be clear on her own needs and setting boundaries.
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Apologies if someone has suggested this, but this is a very long thread, so I only read the first 10 or so replies.

Maybe if you get a coule of Webcams in her house it would make her feel better, as you could check from next door....even talk to her if you need to...?

I have one in my mom's living room...she live's 2 1/2 to 3 hours away, so it's nice to check in and see if she's in her chair moving around.
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umm you said your mom helps you with bill paying. If this is true, maybe she needs to stop so she no longer needs to save money
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TouchMatters Dec 2022
Oh. This is a really good take on the situation. Thanks.
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Tell her she lived her life. You want to live yours. It's not fair to put your life on hold for her. She probably didn't do it for her mother. Why should you do it for her? She has options. She can exercise them. Moving in with you is not one of them, and tell her end of conversation. Tell her it has nothing to do with love. it has everything to do with wanting to continue to love her. If you were to put her needs ahead of yours, you would begin to hate her. And you don't want that.
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TouchMatters Dec 2022
No need to be sarcastic.
Speaking clearly, having convictions in boundaries set.
State decisions and that's it.
The less said the better. There is no winning this 'argument' with the mother so best not to leave the subject open to discussion. It will only lead to frustration and heightened emotional upset.
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You absolutely should not sacrifice your home and life unless you agreed to do it years' ago as part of a plan. I suspect your parents never made a plan for when they couldn't take care of themselves. My folks didn't either. Do what works for you with your mom, she will adjust or make another plan, you are not it!
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TouchMatters Dec 2022
Even so, plans change.
Yes. This daughter needs to do what is best for herself.
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If she is helping you pay some bills I think it puts you in a tough spot.

Perhaps she could use that money and hire help leaving you free to work (as long as your own health and situation allow).

I tried to move my mom in with us after we found a massive bed bug infestation at her home. It only lasted three weeks and we took her home with 24 hour care. There were a hundred reasons it did not work. And it was just took much work as she was almost entirely incapacitated by this time. I had help from my husband and it was to difficult even with two of us.

Since you are alone it will be to much work for you. I would start exploring other care options now. DON’T WAIT. If you wait to look when the time comes it could be a hard road. I speak from experience.

Do you have medical POA? If there is a Trust? get it out and review it thoroughly. You might find a quirky clause like we did that further complicated all her care, (physical and financial ) issues.

Like many others I could go on and on with this issue but I tried to keep my response short.

Good luck.
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"We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable."

DON'T DO IT.

Maintain your boundaries for your sanity.
Yes, of course, she'll refuse every suggestion. Expect this and do what you need. to do. And, if you are not her POA, she does whatever (else) she needs and wants to do as an alternative to living with you.

You are (potentially setting yourself up) in a no-win situation.

Gena / Touch Matters
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So any responsibilities to think about besides companionship. Do your homework about your mom's care. One arrangement is placement to a facility for her care. Her money pays for it. When her funds run out, she can apply for Medicaid. Forget about inheritance.
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I posted earlier. I just want to say that I love how honest everyone is being on this thread.

Too many times we find ourselves in a struggle and we say to ourselves that the situation isn’t all that bad, when the truth is that, it is bad.

The other thing that people will say is that it could be worse. Just because things can always be worse doesn’t mean that we should be willing to accept a crappy situation.

I feel that not allowing a parent to live with us is about self preservation.
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I would recommend you stand your ground. Do not let her make you feel there no other options about where she lives. You could even say something like / Mom , I feel hurt and … when you say … you need to find another option … I can help you with that decision if you like .” If she keeps putting you down, excuse yourself and maybe say / I will call you —-“ Had some issues with my mom too when she could no longer live on her own and I basically stood my ground , kept the rules when she stayed with me ..
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Hi Tipo.

I've been watching this thread because, like many, I have some similar things to navigate. My response from the beginning was that you and your mother should not live together, but I had no reason to chime in because you were getting that advice. Secondly, I'm not very good at saying "no" or dealing with my own mother's manipulativeness, so I don't have anything helpful of my own to contribute there.

However, I got to the end of the thread and saw that you mention your mother is actually wealthy, Bingo! Although my mother won't consider it (and probably can't really afford it), I went and checked out a retirement home for her. Holy crow! Like someone else said, at least some of them are like a very nice hotel. I was very impressed. It was lovely!

If my mom had the money, I'd being doing whatever I could think of to encourage her to spend it on something like that. I don't find it hard to imagine I might not be able to get her there, but I'd sure try hard. Perhaps there is a place near you (as this one near me). I went there and asked to take photos, which I gave my mom who said she'd never fit it. Too posh! Lol! That never stopped her before. She's always loved to pretend she's very well off. At any rate, it probably is above her means, so I let it go.

In your case, it sounds like it would be within your mother's means. If that were true in my case, I'd make an appointment at the place, and see what kind of coaching they could help me with, to get my mom there to have a look, spend a few hours, have a meal. The one I looked at had a hair salon, a lovely paved path along the water, etc., a craft room, a bistro, a lounge ... Perhaps they could help you put together an "outing" of 2 or 3 hours, like a hair do and a meal, to give her "something to think about".

You never know. If you could do that, she might throw you over for a better alternative!

Good luck - to both of us ...
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I thought the suggestion that you do something to make some money is good. You could then need less from her and/or hire somebody to do some of what she needs.
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Don’t do it! She will refuse and get mad when you say no to her living with you. No matter what you say, she will disagree with you. Keep your boundaries with her. Full speed ahead. If you think it’s bad now, imagine what it would be like later if she moves in with you.

For those who had rocky—or worse—relationships with their parents, things will only get a lot worse. You know the drill. You’ve already put in 9 years. Even when you’re caregiving from long distance, your mind and psyche are there with your person. It will be abysmal if she moves in when you know it’s last thing you want. Her paying the bills isn’t worth it though she will never see it that way. Is she saving money for her future or an inheritance for you? Which is more important? The money or your sanity? Obviously your sanity but you have to follow through on taking care of yourself.
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I would say that her reaction to you saying "No" is exactly why you shouldn't live together!
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NO!NO!NO!AND NO AGAIN! Do not let her talk you into her moving in with you. She sounds manipulative and I know from experience that when a mother and daughter have to many differences, this situation would be a disaster.
I let my mom move in with me when she was diagnosed with breast cancer....big mistake.
If your instincts are saying no, then listen to them....
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I think you said it all - you don't want her.

your sacrifice may be repaid in a way you don't want you are old and any problems
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tygrlly1 Dec 2022
NOT HELPFUL and mean. Daughter has prepared for her own later years. Mom has not. Your judgemental attitude is shallow and short sighted.
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Don’t let her move in. My opinion and many others here saying no are from first-hand experience. My life has changed a lot since living with my mother. I lost the freedom I had when I lived alone. I could go out whenever I wanted, see whoever I wanted, and come home after dark without hearing a lecture. My life has reverted to that of a teenager who needs to check in with my mother if I deviate from my regular schedule.

It is much harder to get rid of them once they move in. It’s almost impossible because no one is going to want to move from the comforts of home with their 24/7 child/slave taking care of their every need and demand, to a senior living facility where they will be much more easily ignored, abused, and neglected. They can also more easily abuse and manipulate their children than an outside caregiver.

I've never advocated that children should not take care of their parents, but there need to be boundaries in order for you to maintain your happiness and sanity. Your current setup is ideal. You are next door, but you can return to your own home for some peace and quiet. I would love to have that setup rather than share the same roof with my mother. You are doing more than enough and deserve to have your independence from her outside of your caregiving hours.
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Your answer is in your own words and hers...you are not compatible. There has to be communication between the two of you and a willingness to understand the logical outcome of sharing a living space.
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Don’t do it. It will only get worse and you won’t have any peace or “you” time. She does not have to like it. You have a right to your life even if she was the best mom on earth.
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My mother moved from my sister's home to mine about ten months ago. Her health and mobility were already deteriorating, but she could walk with a walker and get herself in and out of bed and to the bathroom. After a fall, Covid, and other health problems, she is in my home, bedridden, requiring almost total care, wanting my full attention, and having "panic attacks" if I leave the house, even though someone else is in the house with her. Please listen to the advice of the other posters. With financial resources, she has options. If she moves in with you, it is very possible that in a year you will be in a position similar to mine, trying to do more than a human being can do and losing any life of your own.
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I would hire a part time aid to begin with and then more full time care when necessary. You already earn what she pays you in helping with some bills. Don’t feel guilty about it. My Mother was resistant to help in the house for my Pop who had Alzheimer’s before his death. She finally got acclimated and appreciated the help because she became burnt out. It’s a hurdle at first, but it usually gets easier in a short amount of time once they start trusting them. Putting a camera in is a good idea so that you can check on her and make sure that she hasn’t fallen. Don’t let your Mom guilt trip you. You do a lot for her already. My Mom had made that same suggestion recently of eventually moving in with me. I did consider it at first, but know now that I can’t do it. However, when the time comes I will get help in her home and visit her when I can. She lives 2 1/2 hours away. My older Sister and I have always told her that when she gets old, we would be old too. It’s happening. I have a younger sister with lives her and does so little for her. She’s physically handicapped some due to her prior bad choices in life. She was also sickly as a child. My Mom supports her financially and helps take care of her. They fight all the time. My younger sisters bad habits feed my mothers narcissism and my mothers narcissism makes my sister more rebellious. It’s a vicious cycle. They came at Thanksgiving. After three days, I was wiped out. My Mother complained about everything and then tried to bring up bad things and talk about everyone including family. She later said that she had a wonderful time. I told her that I would have never known that because of how unhappy she seemed the entire time she was here. It’s okay to set limitations and set boundaries with your Mom to keep your sanity. It’s a must! She’s lucky that she has the finances to pay for help. I never want my Daughter to take care of me when I get old. I don’t want her help me now at age 63. I would hire help and get home and delivery services or have a live in person to help me. I would never want to put that burden on her. You can have some of her bills set up on automatic pay. I would have groceries delivered as well if you can. Do on-line or phone doctors appointments when possible. Get a house keeper to come in every couple of weeks. Stay there the first couple of times. If your Mom complains, tell her that you need help now and then go home to your peace and quiet. Keep pushing back. Good luck with everything.
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eat-pray-love Dec 2022
I have a similar sitch w/my Mom 2 hrs away & treat much as you do. It would kill me to live w/her or vice versa. For real (Borderline-NPD + Dementia). How old is your Mom? Mine is 79. I am 59, with Career & grown Kids that live & work nearby.

I told her after her Doc appt on Jan 4th we will bring in part time help. My Mom is set financially. Just been SOOOO resistant!
So refreshing when you read (on VERY rare occasion) that an elderly person understands this. If you have the $, make the plan now.

Now I try to drill into my Mom (which doesn't matter) that she should practice getting up and down from a chair-the sofa, as she struggles now. She shouldn't!!! She is 79 & sedentary. She has put herself in this weak physical place. My Dad was 92 & up until 3 mos before he passed. He got himself up & down from the toilet. We had to move him out few mos before he passed in Jan &b had 24-7 Caretakers for him. He cherished his independence! What a concept! He fought to do exercises daily!
Love when I see my late 80's neighbors out walking every eve!

****If you aren't walking or exercising, start TODAY! Then do it every day! Can you walk outside for 30 mins? An hour Do it!
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Tipo9fig: By posting your query, I believe that you already know that you will tell your mother 'No, you cannot live with me.'
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No don't do it!
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I think she's just scared of being alone and what might happen considering her age and she might just be lonely. Tell her to ring you at a certain time in the morning, at lunch and before bed and that if she does not you will. Even for just 1 min, this might just work.
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tygrlly1 Dec 2022
Noooo.!, dont think this will work. Daughter will be getting called with constant complaints , guilt bombs and whining. Mother wants what she wants....which is to move in with daughter with no regard to daughters right to her own life . Let her spend her money.
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Mom wants to feel safe and secure, with you.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
Too damn bad.
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No no no…. My mum lived with us for 2 years….. My marriage suffered…. We had no private time. I no longer could have my grandkids over as she did not like too much noise. I became her daughter slave. Every day was the same….. until I became burnt out and started to resent her. I was not able to visit friends, kids etc….. it was all about her….. plus she constantly interfered with my husband and I. I became her nurse, no daughter/ mother conversations, purely an aid to keep her comfortable.Mum is in a nursing home now….. but here’s the double whammy….. my dad 93 will not leave his home and as I am the only living child am at his bec and call…. It all started again…… I almost think they had children so they could look after them when they were old. They were good parents, but somehow want to be repaid for educating , feeding and clothing me when I was young. So there’s my story…. Love them, help them but from a distance…..
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
Look into care for your father. Do not be at his beck and call. You already did that with your mother and it was a miserable and exhausting experience. It will be just the same with dad.
It is not up to adult children to pay back the feeding, clothing, and educating (many don't pay for schooling) by becoming indentured bond servants when the parents get old and needy. They chose to have children. The children do not owe them anything.
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