My mom (64) has been falling a lot. So much so that the retirement community is now seeking to push her out.
My brother and I live an hour away from her, just fyi.
It started in June with a phone call from one of the staff saying she was unsafe. At the time I was looking to move her to a retirement community here. And during the phone call, they even questioned if she would be moving. It didn't work out because she was over the income for the retirement community local to me.
Fast forward two months and I get a phone call last week, from the same staff member, that she has fallen again. Same story. She is unsafe there and I can really feel that they are pressuring me to move her.
Then today I get a phone call from my mom freaking out that she got a note from the staff saying her apartment was dirty. Yep, the staff found a loophole to try to force her out. For the record I've been in the apartment in and out at least twice a month or more since she's lived there and it is not.
I do not have POA or guardianship of my mom. She is of sound mind and digging in her heels when it comes to any kind of assisted living, nursing care, etc. And I have absolutely no idea how she would pay for it if she wasn't. I believe she makes too much to qualify for some programs, but not enough to pay for nursing care out of pocket.
My brother and sister in law think that the solution is for her to move in with them, but with her being a fall risk this worries me. They have periods where they aren't home very much. At least at the retirement community my mom has friends in and out checking on her.
I briefly mentioned the possibility of bringing in DSS to see what could be done to help my mom to my sister in law, and she completely shut that down and said her and my brother wouldn't want that. I feel like my hands are completely tied. I'm afraid she'll be even more unsafe at my brother's house. She obviously isn't safe where she is at the retirement community either.
Also I'm fully aware that it is in violation of the fair housing act to try to pressure someone to leave because of falls. However, I'm also limited in what I can do for my mom since I'm not even her guardian. And she won't take any steps to help herself or make calls to help herself. Her go to person is me, and I am extremely burnt out and have absolutely no idea what to do anymore.
The first thing you should do is make an appointment with her doctor. If her falling is something new there may be a medical reason as to why she is falling.
UTI?
Ear infection?
Eye problem?
Does she have neuropathy that is getting worse?
Foot problem, shoe problem?
Mini strokes?
The second thing that you should do is to take your mom to an Elder Care Attorney and find out if a Trust can be established so her assets are not what prevents her from moving into the facility closer to you. This is not "hiding" assets her assets.
I would also think that you should get some sort of notice that the facility wants to have a meeting to discuss what is going on. Are they seeing a decline that you may not notice.
And
How did they say Moms house is dirty? They have to be specific. Maybe get a cleaning lady in there to do a deep clean. From that point on it just gets maintained. Really, how dirty can a place get with one person.
Mom needs to realize that her weight is hindering her. My hairdresser is 73 and can stand only a little while. She uses a rollerator to get around and has for a while. This way she has a seat when she needs to sit. She has been way overweight for ages. Same with a friend, her hips are going because of the weight she carries. It gets worse as we age.
My nephew was given a perscription for weight loss medication. First want to say he is on Social Security Disability and Medicaid as supplimental. The med was $1700. Where did this doctor think my nephew was going to get $1700? Prescription plans don't cover it.
Sorry, but if Mom is not going to help herself then you just have to let her fail. I would try to get POA.
You can suggest the GLP weight loss drugs and also suggest a prescription for physical therapy to build up muscle tone.
If she has "no real strength in legs" that will cause falls.
It sounds like she will be moving in with your brother. I would consider to offer support but take care of yourself.
You don't mention what condition your mother has that is causing her to have falls. So we can only speculate on possible solutions to her problem with housing. Does she use a walker? Could she get around her apartment in a wheelchair if it was necessary? does her bathroom need to be modified to make is safe for her?
Your mother is only 64 years old. If she is of sound mind she needs to advocate herself with her housing. You can help her too and should.
Does your mom live in a 55 and up community where the rent is based on income? If she does, there's a new trend that's started up due to all kinds of housing being so expensive. These places are pushing out their younger residents in favor of older people with more money who are on waiting lists to get in. So if they move someone 74 into your mother's place and can charge far more rent, they'll make more money and on average the resident won't be living there as long as someone who is say 64 but on a more limited income. This is how real estate investment groups who own this type of housing get around federal and state housing laws.
The way to close the 'loophole' the staff found to get her out, is to turn it into a noose. The way to do this is to consult with a civil rights/liberties lawyer and explain what your mother's housing is getting up to.
In the meantime, bring in a homecare aide for your mother to help her. Your mother pays for it. If she is disabled, her insurance will pay if her doctor orders it.
I think you hit the nail on the head!
Sounds like what BurntCaregiver mentioned is spot on.
You say she's very overweight and is probably out of shape, but at 65. You say she is falling a lot. How often is "a lot"? Once a month, once a week, once a day? How much does she weigh? Who is picking her up when she falls? In some communities 911 can come and do a "lift assist" but not sure how many they are willing to do for the same person.
At some point if she continues to fall the first responders (who are mandated reporters) may contact APS and trigger a closer look into her situation. Tell your Mom that something like this may result in the courts assigning her a 3rd party legal guardian who is not a family member. This is a hard reality. Use this truth to help open her eyes and motivate her to at least assign a durable PoA. It does not need to be you, but whoever is her PoA will have their hands full. She is pretty young to be this unbalanced and resistant.
In no way should she move in with your brother. Does your Mom have a history of not dealing with problems? Does she have depression or a personality disorder? If she's resisting any reasonable solutions then no one should step in to help her. Let the powers at hand deal with her. You can tell her complex staff that you agree there's a proble but you legally have no ability to step in to help. Then you and your brother step completely away so that *some* solution by the county can be put into motion. If she winds up in the ER, DO NOT tell the intake person that you are her caregiver. Make sure the discharge planner knows she is an "unsafe discharge" then ask to talk to the hospital social worker. Also, the ER doesn't diagnose many medical problems... they are there to address the symptoms and achieve pain-free status and/or medical stability before discharge.
Do not piss off the staff where she lives.
They say it's at least once a week.
But I also can't do much if I am not her guardian. I am her emergency contact. And I have tried explaining this to staff and even suggested it may be worth bringing DSS in to help.
I am also dealing with the very recent loss of my father and trying to navigate all this with my mom. I really am not mentally in a good place at all.
I feel like my hands are completely tied. What do you do when someone you love just refuses to help themselves? I'm even limited in what calls I can make on her behalf because I am not her guardian or POA, and after years of handling her emergencies I don't even want to think about taking that responsibility on.
Fawnby or Isabela.
Isabel posted a question. Fawnby posted an answer/suggestion. This may actually help your situation.. read it and think about it.
Your mom is 64 years old.
65 = Senior citizen, coming soon with healthcare advantage...
Mom should have a complete checkup as to why she off balance.
cat scan etc, neurological issues?
if mom wants keep independent living, you and brother need to figure out why she's falling.
The facility probably sees mom's falling accidents as a potential lawsuit against them. They may not have the staff to watch her 24/7. They do not want to be held liable for her falls..
Perhaps you can hire a caregiver to be with her a few hours a day.
You need a medical and physical tests done to rule things out.
Things to think about:
my aunt lived alone her whole adult life. When she wasn't able yo care for herself, I was the one she called, I placed her into a micro community.. I had no idea, it was too much for her..she pushed someone down.. it was too much... I put her inyo a small board n care... 6 residents; 2 caretakers ...she calmed down...
You better start looking for a new place for mom.
These people are avoiding a potential law suit regarding her falling etc..
I agree that she should work with her doctor(s) to try to determine what is causing her to fall. It may be treatable, or it may not. But even just knowing that certain things affect her balance might be helpful, so she could avoid those situations or be prepared with a device like a cane or rollator, or to hold on to something.
Since she, your brother, and your SIL are all determined to have her move in with them, you can't really stop them. At least she has a place to go to. Just encourage the Life Alert and seeing a doctor for the cause of the falls and the other useful suggestions you get here, and then just let it go. No point wasting your time and emotional energy worrying about things that you can't change.
Sorry for the questions but you give no details and haven't filled out a profile, which makes commenting difficult. I will say that nobody can prevent falls in older adults, it's impossible. Some measures can be taken to cut down the risk of falling, but that's it. If mom were to live with your brother, they could take more proactive measures to cut down the risk such as putting in a bed rail to stop falling out of bed, if that's an issue.
Please give more details so better advice can be given.
She's in a 55 and up community/independent senior living. Uses a walker to get around.
She's been to the doctor and has home health coming in and out. But no real answers as to why she's falling. I will say she has sat around so much over the years that she has absolutely no strength in her legs at all.