My mother in law moved in with us just before we got married 10/30/2020. Since moving in, I have noticed she smells, BAD. I have tried to be nice about showering, but so far she just tells me she already took one or she will "later". My husband has also mentioned it to her, but she tells him the same.
I have noticed that she has major issues with toilet time as well.
She seems to "miss" when she goes to the bathroom. By this I mean there is constantly a smell in the shared bathroom. There is urine on the floor and wall, along with fecal matter at times. I have tried to make the bathroom not smell for the 4 adults that live here (my mother also lives with us) but even cleaning the floor and wall by the toilet every day the smell is very strong. (read that as the bathroom smells like an outhouse or port-a-potty in the summer). I have checked around the toilet for dried body fluids and can find none.
I have also noticed that she seems to have an issue with wiping, meaning there are visible stains on her legs from urine.
She tries to use air freshers to cover the smell but lately, it doesn't even help. The smell in the last 4 days alone is enough to make me gag.
I also have the suspicion that she does not really "wash" in the shower but instead just washes her hair. (her hair is also very long, maybe midback, and she refuses to care for it or cut it) I don't actually know if she even does that. I have noticed when I clean the shower, there is a build-up of her shampoo on the side of the tub, which leads me to believe that when she showers shampoo is dropped, or she is just squirting it out on the floor. She also does not use soap or a washcloth.
I am at my wit's ends. I don't know what to do. I have tried talking but it does nothing. I have tried offering to clean, and she flat out tells me no. I have suggested that showers might make her feel better, but she says nothing to that. I have asked her if she needs help in the shower and she does not answer.
Her son, said to me "I shouldn't have to tell her several times a week she needs a shower" and my only response was, no you shouldn't. She should do this on her own.
Note to add
she has gone over 14 days without a shower before.
Is she embarrassed to ask for an aide to help her bathe?
Why are your mom and mother in law living with you?
It’s a shame that you and your husband have never had any privacy for yourself.
She has COPD and a few other health issues so she gets tired very easily.
She flat out refuses help, any kind of help.
Both moms are living with us due to finances and other issues.
I agree. We try to find time alone but it seems like we never can or if we do we get interrupted.
We are both full time students as well, him undergrad, me grad and before covid I worked full time.
I don't know how I will be able to do any of this once I go back to work.
Personally, I'd issue the woman an ultimatum: If you want to continue living in this house, you MUST follow these rules: present a list of rules to her. Have a checklist also, and if/when the rules aren't followed 3x, she will need to find alternate living arrangements. Otherwise, your brand new marriage is going to be stressed to the gills and that's a bad thing. House rules need to prevail because structure prevents chaos. Include cleaning the bathroom after EACH use on that checklist, b/c it should not be YOUR job to clean up her feces and urine from the floor & the wall. That is unacceptable!
Wishing you the best of luck setting up lots of house rules FAST!
My mother in law lost her housing due to budget cuts and our government not caring that she had no place to go. Plus my husband promised her that he would never put her in a home and due to covid and her health issue I agreed that this would be better than a home.
I was aware that she had bathroom issues, incontinence but nothing like this as when I visited her at her apartment, nothing like this was ever-present.
She has many health issues such as having strokes in the past but no diagnosed dementia or Alzheimers.
I am afraid that if I do give her an ultimatum it will create issues with my husband. Also I don't know where she would even find alternate living arrangements not to mention paying for it.
She doesn't even notice when there are fluids on the floor or wall, and does not clean well, but I believe this is due to her CPOD as she tires quickly.
I should also mention that any mention of smells or things needing to be cleaned that are hers, has lead to tears in the past.
I am going to lay down house rules.
Does any one have a chart or list I can borrow or use to plan?
Have you contacted Council on Aging? Is your MIL middle aged or a senior?
Council on Aging will do an assessment and if she qualifies she will have someone to help her bathe, clean her room, prepare light meals, etc.
She may not want you to help her because she is embarrassed. She may receive help from someone else.
Call them. There is usually a waiting list. They may have different rules now due to Covid.
I would call and see if help is available.
I have not.
I will look into that, I had no idea we could even try that. Thanks.
I don't think she will let someone come in to shower her but I can at least tell her if she qualifies.
Of course, I empathize with someone who is having financial difficulties.
I also empathize with caregivers. I was a caregiver to my mom too.
My mom has Parkinson’s disease. She struggles horribly with mobility issues but she bathed regularly.
She had accidents but she wore Poise pads during the day and diapers at night. So I never had a messy bathroom to clean up.
I immediately threw any soiled clothes or sheets into the wash so I never dealt with smells.
It’s exhausting being a caregiver, 24/7 365. I feel for you.
You are going to have a discussion with her. She is young! She could live 20 or more years.
There are senior apartments that are rented according to income. Is she collecting social security? Disability benefits? Was your father in law a vet? Can she collect vet benefits?
Contact a social worker to see what help is available. Where do you live? Are you in the United States?
That's my end of the line as far as what I can handle re:Caregiving.
Once a person is no longer aware of, and/or doesn't care about personal hygiene, then it's time to re think living arrangements.
How does she get urine on the walls? I have 8 grandsons and it's pretty apparent to ME how that happens, but with a grown woman? And fecal matter? Is she in there painting with poop? Flinging it around? (again, 8 grandsons, so not much icks me out--but ADULTS doing this.?)
And 3 other people share this bathroom. Completely unnacceptable and not healthy or appropriate. You probably spend many hours a day trying to chase down the smells. Is she urinating in other rooms? Sitting on furniture that is uphoslstered and absorbing the smell? It's likely not just a toileting issue.
My mom has a permanent catheter with an attached bag. Since she cannot 'feel' the urge to urinate, she simply changes the bag twice a day, but 3-4 times a week, the bag kind of 'explodes'. She's saturated all her carpet, her couch, her recliner and her bed. And all her clothes. Even with a Depends on WITH a heavy pad liner, she has accidents. The smell in her apt. is atrocious, too. She is nose blind to it, but everyone else can smell it. She must have 2-3 of those 'auto spritzer' air fresheners, but she doesn't understand that they don't even begin to cover up the smell, they only add to it.
We recently housed a rescue pup for a week and I was losing my mind--poor puppy was getting over Parvo and had raging diarrhea. All over my house. Plus the piddling accidents that puppies have.
I used this stuff undiluted on the spots I KNEW he'd made and diluted it 1/2 and 1/2 for floor mopping.
Stuff is called Rocco and Roxie Stain and Odor Eliminator--I don't know if it's only available online, my daughter gave me the bottle I currently have.
Sprayed on tile and left to soak in for a while, then mopping the whole floor took the smell away 100%. It's specifically for urine, but worked well on feces stains too.
I'd clean the dickens out of that bathroom and keep a diluted spray bottle in the bathroom along with a roll of paper towels for quick clean ups.
As far as mil not showering--no doubt the smells you smell are her unwashed body and urine soaked clothes. You can spray this stuff on clothes or add it to her laundry. If you've dried her clothes, it may have set the urine smell forever, in which case--there's nothing to be done.
And yes, set up hosuehold rules! Don't single her out, make it be the same for all of you--EVERYBODY takes a full body shower 3-4 times a week. EVERYBODY uses the toilet appropriately, etc.
She might do well with a shower aide.
You are a newlywed and dealing with this? OMgosh--you poor woman!! I'm going to tell you to be upfront and deal with MIL straight up--kindly, but firmly. How you treat each other in the first few years sets the tone for all the years that follow.
In fairness to MIL--as we age, and begin taking handfuls of pills :( our urine becomes odd-smelling. Just the aging process does that also. Make sure she does an 'airplane bath' once a day under the wings and under the tail (I read someone else's description of that and it fit the situation perfectly.)
Good Luck. My hat is off to you!!
the best you can do is to install an alert on the bathroom door and clean up after her as soon as she leaves the bathroom. Berating her and shaming her is only going to make the situation worse.
https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/adult-foster-care
Time to issue an ultimatum - either she takes care of her personal hygiene - or show her the door.
I am 68 with many health issues. But I take care of myself, clean my house, run errands, take care of my pets, do online banking, cook, etc. There is no excuse for a 68-year-old woman to be acting like she does - unless she has dementia. If she has dementia, things will only get worse and you cannot have her living with you any longer.
i told my husband we were going out to dinner, but he’d have to shave and shower first. He has no sense of smell anymore. Now he showers once a week like clockwork. Since he doesn’t move much, it’s enough. Maybe it’s time for tough love?
Spend as much time as possible away from home with your new husband, and don’t mince words if anyone there asks why!
Your MIL may be vying for attention. She’s acting like a child and should be treated as one. Watch her use the bathroom. Wash her legs. If she doesn’t like it, let her know she’ll have to do better.
i couldn’t live in your house, and I don’t know how you manage.
Wishing you the best. Let us know what transpires.
BTW - when they don’t have money, I know it’s hard. Lots of red tape, and figuring what is or isn’t allowed with Medicaid. Is there someone who is able to help her that has more time? A retired brother or sister that could call and help find out what’s available? I’m retired, and even with dad in AL, I feel like it’s a part time job staying on top of his needs and connecting regularly with caregivers there.
Is your MIL obese? Because if she is and has fat folds...she is inviting infection in those folds as bacteria stays there. Her refusal to bathe is a sign of dementia and also depression.
You and your husband need to get her to her doctor for an exam. Possibly she is depressed, has cognitive deficits, has a urinary health issue and maybe other things. But you both need to be there for the exam so you can have input.
If you don’t set some boundaries now and also look into getting them other living quarters, you are in for a very rough go! You say your husband promised not to put her in a facility...promises can be broken and negotiated. It is silly when it's affecting her well being and your's to be stuck on a promise. I have to ask if there is a cultural reason for both parents to be in your care. Some cultures feel obligated to take care of the older generations in their home such as Asian and Indian cultures. I am curious if this is also in the story here?
If she has skin folds, she could have a yeast infection in the folds. The folds provide a warm moist area just perfect for yeast and other infections. My mother almost knocked me over when she lifted her boobs and the smell got out.
My mom was afraid to get into the tub to shower. I didn't know that because she would never admit to a failure of any kind. Once I found out, I would help her in and out once a week when I came to help her. The rest of the time she took "sponge baths". I installed a tub chair and a hand held sprinkler head plus sticker things on the bottom of the tub.
If she is getting fecal matter and urine all over things, she may not be able to pull her clothes off in time. My husband has explosive diarrhea because of no gall bladder and the liver pushing too much gall into the intestines. He is on a medicine that has been a life savior. I had to be so discouraged I cried at the doctor's office before someone took me seriously, but we found a NP in the Gastroenterology office who took the time and gave him all kinds of tests before we found the right combination of medicines.
Your husband should go looking at the new AL places. My ex is in a really nice one. As I have said before, I told my daughter who takes care of him, "Never, say a "home" or "assisted living", say, "I found him a great Studio Apartment" in town". Your Mom might think about that too. How can you have sex on the couch or the Kitchen floor with other people living in the house? I was going to say Kitchen table but it might gross people out :-).
Does your husband participate in the bathroom cleanup? If not, he should, that might make him change his mind on where she lives.
In the meantime ((Hugs))
You have both of your mothers living with you and you just got married? WHY?
Aside from cognitive decline there could be some practical reasons why she is reluctant to use the shower, make sure there are grab bars, a hand held shower and she has access to a sturdy shower chair. Bathroom heaters are nice too.
Do you yell at each other about this?
Is your marriage worth saving?
Who’s afraid of whom in this quartet?
Do YOU have a mental list of where the bar is in your household?
Why are you (or your husband) responsible for another adult’s smell?
What’s the dynamic between YOUR mother and HIS mother.
Do either you or your husband have any interest in remaining married?
Given the choice, would your husband prefer to remain married to you OR
accepting the fact that making unkeepable promises to his mother MEANS
that he is, for all intents and purposes, married TO HIS MOTHER.
If you were to leave, what would happen to YOUR MOTHER?
SO- there are MANY MORE ISSUES HERE THAN JUST HER SMELL, HER URINE, HER FECES, and how to deal with JUST THOSE ISSUES.
Making lists? Asking her to change? Asking her SON to step up? Do you REALLY think any of these will happen?
IF YOU LOVE EACH OTHER, your environment is SO NEGATIVE that your chance(s) for a NORMAL LIFE TOGETHER are almost nonexistent.
Will either of you ADDRESS HOW toxic your lives are? Will either of you commit to each other enough to change what this situation is?
You mention nothing in your profile about MIL.
What are the reasons she moved in with you?
If she has dementia this is part of the ADL's (activities of daily living) that she is going to need help with.
You, your husband or someone is going to have to step in and ..
Take her to the bathroom. Monitor her make sure she is toileting properly and help her when needed.
You, your husband or someone is going to have to make sure that she showers at least 2 or 3 times a week and between the showers she is kept clean. (see above comment)
Oral care, brushing her teeth if she can manage that now great if not you will need to help. (personal experience here an electric toothbrush makes brushing someone's teeth much easier)
May not be necessary now but swallowing becomes difficult. Pocketing food and aspiration are but 2 things to be aware of.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
Having help come in is one option. Memory Care is another. (it is possible to have someone come in just to manage the showering if she is difficult about it)
My cousin, the daughter of my mom's sister, is in a very similar situation and we compare notes.
She told me it is very common for older folks with cognitive decline to not want to change clothes, or take showers.
They get cold, it takes effort, they forget, they don't realize it needs to be done, they resent being told, and it's just uncomfortable. Taking a shower makes them cold.
So, we "help" with bathing once or twice a week. And if she wears the same clothes more than 1 day in a row, so be it. Sometimes the only time the clothes get changed is on shower day.
I am further vexed because my mom doesn't seem to want to have her laundry done. She prefers to wash her clothes, especially her underwear in the sink. She is afraid her clothes won't come back. So, we are putting her room number in all her clothes, hoping that will help. She already has more clothes than God has sinners, so losing some would be a good thing actually. Except for the underwear. I even bought her new underwear, and she won't even wear them. She prefers to wash out her old disgusting underwear instead. I am slowly throwing those out when she's not watching.
It is very perplexing and frustrating.
As for the piss and crap on the floor. There's really nothing you can do about that. You may have to clean your toilet and surrounding wall area daily. Clorox spray cleaner with bleach. This will clean anything.
Do you have a shower bench that she can use? Have you tried getting some lovely bath products "just for her" as an enticement? Perhaps hiring an aide 2x a week for two hours to assist her with showering (taking the family out of it) will help. I would definitely make an appointment with an elder-care doctor, and then work diligently to get her into the shower before the appointment. Not wanting to be unkind but have you tried insisting that she bath while she lives in your house?
If the problem is as bad as what you say, there are definitely some mental issues that should be investigated. The conditions in your bathroom are not sanitary nor safe and should be rectified. Not being able to handle the "activities of daily living" is cause for concern, and perhaps investigating a memory care living arrangement in the long run is best.
We are 73 and 78 years old, trying to put into place moments of happiness for her. It is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. Our word of wisdom for all you good hearted caregivers is "take care of yourself first". You Matter!
My mom is in a nursing home and we are having the same issue. My mom has dementia, I've been researching and reading that many seniors, especially with cognitive impairment, are simply terrified of taking a shower or bath.
They are not able to tell us why, but it's a scary experience for them, at least for my mom, that's the case.
Also, my mom has no concept of time right now, and is losing her sense of smell, so she feels no need to take a shower, as she feels, she just cleaned herself not too long ago. At first it was only an issue of showering but now it's also an issue to change her clothing...
Some say it is also a cultural thing... if she used to shower only once in a while (back in her childhood years) she does not see the use to shower weekly now.
What I do, is to reassure her that she will be safe while in the shower, make sure she has warm towels, etc...and always tell her that we need to shower cause she will be getting a visit from someone special or we will be going to get ice cream, in other words, there will be some kind of reward for her right after, little white lies seem to help...
Its a constant struggle, but creativity is a must, this is such a common problem for seniors, especially seniors with dementia... they do not do it to make our lives miserable, but they seem to actually be terrified of certain things and taking a bath or shower is one of those things that horrifies them.
I am also thinking of getting my mom a plastic doll to take in the shower to see if it makes it easier... some of her favorite music in the background might also help...
As for the toilet, in my mom's case, sometimes she cannot see the actual white toilet bowl,,, (it's a dementia vision thing in my mom's case).
Good luck to you, wish I could be of more help ;)
Bath tubs are very dangerous and eventually have problems getting in and out of them
About once a week or so he plugs the toilet and does a half job getting it done and leaves it.... not saying a word..... FRUSTRATING doe not even spell it! Sometimes you have to put manners aside and say "take a bath"! I'm done being nice, it's my house my rules... ok, me and my wife house and her rules but you know what I mean.
Just lay it out and the hell with feelings, pee on your feet is not fun.
You have the patience I wouldn't have... even when you get frustrated.
Setting the boundaries, as you are trying to do, can work well for elders who don't have dementia or are in the earlier stages.
Reading about plugging the toilet reminds me of my mother complaining about my dad doing that. He wouldn't get it to flush, so he would do who knows what trying to get it down and make a holy mess, which she'd then have to clean up!
Bless you for sticking with him all this time!
I know this is going to sound judgemental but it is actually a matter of practical fact: what size and shape is MIL? The reason it matters is - can she reach? We meet a lot of ladies and gentlemen who truly couldn't take care of hygiene even if they do want to and are mentally able - they'd need four hands apiece on very much longer arms to do it.
I'm glad to read you plan to contact the Area Agency, and I hope they'll be able to get the ball rolling. Ideally this will lead to an assessment, and support in ways that are acceptable to MIL and help her turn a corner. Poor lady. The fact that she's trying to cover up with air fresheners proves she's not oblivious to the problem - she just wishes with all her heart that everybody else was, I expect.
Try wet wipes in the toilet and encourage her to use them . (?)
From experience ( sadly ), I know that urine , if it has seeped in the toilet bowl seam , grout or floor will make the bathroom reek. You need to get a half bucket with a strong disinfectant solution and toss it in there if feasible , mop up and keep a spray bottle of full strength pine sol for Intance to spray the bottom of the toilet and the floor on the sides and back. IMPORTANT : If you have a dog or cat that can get into the bathroom do not use pine sol , use another floral or strong scented disinfectant . Pine oil is poisonous to animals .
Captain obvious here , but has anyone else actually told her that she stinks ? Are you the only person trying to get her to seriously bathe ? Her son needs to really get involved as its not fair for you to deal with this alone , if you are .
When my grandmother refuses to bathe I tell her " mama , you smell sweaty ( being kind ) and that's not good enough , I love you and want you to look and smell your best, let me help you " I know this might not work for you as mama and l are very close , but it's worth a try .
Showering is out . You mention a tub . Can you draw a bath for her and make her sit in that with bath oil or soap already In. Better than nothing .
If she steeps like a teabag it might help .
Offer to wash her hair ? Massage her head ? Does she drink wine ? Give her a glass, make it enjoyable ( or am I clutching at straws here ) .
I mean , this looks good" on paper " but I know getting an adult to take a bath can be a real pain . Especially if you aren't that close to them .
I bathe my gran every other day but sometimes a day will come will where she is totally not into it , she might not feel well or energetic . We make her change clothes and I give her a sponge bath in bed then put deodorant on her but you might not be able to do even that.
I'm sorry for your trouble. You have excellent advice here so I hope somewhere in this forum you find a solution .
Good luck.