My mother in law moved in with us just before we got married 10/30/2020. Since moving in, I have noticed she smells, BAD. I have tried to be nice about showering, but so far she just tells me she already took one or she will "later". My husband has also mentioned it to her, but she tells him the same.
I have noticed that she has major issues with toilet time as well.
She seems to "miss" when she goes to the bathroom. By this I mean there is constantly a smell in the shared bathroom. There is urine on the floor and wall, along with fecal matter at times. I have tried to make the bathroom not smell for the 4 adults that live here (my mother also lives with us) but even cleaning the floor and wall by the toilet every day the smell is very strong. (read that as the bathroom smells like an outhouse or port-a-potty in the summer). I have checked around the toilet for dried body fluids and can find none.
I have also noticed that she seems to have an issue with wiping, meaning there are visible stains on her legs from urine.
She tries to use air freshers to cover the smell but lately, it doesn't even help. The smell in the last 4 days alone is enough to make me gag.
I also have the suspicion that she does not really "wash" in the shower but instead just washes her hair. (her hair is also very long, maybe midback, and she refuses to care for it or cut it) I don't actually know if she even does that. I have noticed when I clean the shower, there is a build-up of her shampoo on the side of the tub, which leads me to believe that when she showers shampoo is dropped, or she is just squirting it out on the floor. She also does not use soap or a washcloth.
I am at my wit's ends. I don't know what to do. I have tried talking but it does nothing. I have tried offering to clean, and she flat out tells me no. I have suggested that showers might make her feel better, but she says nothing to that. I have asked her if she needs help in the shower and she does not answer.
Her son, said to me "I shouldn't have to tell her several times a week she needs a shower" and my only response was, no you shouldn't. She should do this on her own.
Note to add
she has gone over 14 days without a shower before.
After installing safety handles and non-slip pads in the shower, she became much more accepting. Not that she still "doesn't want to", but now allows herself to be washed. Also, the suggestion that if she didn't want me to help her, then we would have to hire outside help to come in and bath her. Obviously, she preferred my help to that of a stranger.
If she is suffering from dementia, it's possible she doesn't realize others smell her or how long it has been since she bathed. Immediately after showering, washing and styling her hair, my mother sits down and asks if she has to shower and wash her hair today! Crazy!
After installing safety handles and non-slip pads in the shower, she became much more accepting. Not that she still "doesn't want to", but now allows herself to be washed. Also, the suggestion that if she didn't want me to help her, then we would have to hire outside help to come in and bath her. Obviously, she preferred my help to that of a stranger.
If she is suffering from dementia, it's possible she doesn't realize others smell her or how long it has been since she bathed. Immediately after showering, washing and styling her hair, she sits down and asks if she has to shower and wash her hair today! Crazy!
2. Was your mother already living with you? What is your mother’s condition ? What does she say about all this?
3. Is this your home or your husband’s home that everyone has moved into? Are you dependent on your husband for a home and food for you and your mother ( is this a job or a marriage)?
4. Where was MIL living before she moved in with everyone? What condition was her residence in?
( these are questions for you to ask yourself)
5. For most of 2 years I felt like I was living in a nursing home and was the sole employee in that nursing home ( my husband of over 50 years had several strokes and my brother was given up by his physicians as terminal and about to die any minute).
i had to learn to deal with nursing home filth and smells ( something the nursing home had not learned) and not being able to have my grandchildren over because it was so bad.
I was running for 20 hours a day with constant scrubbing and 4 loads of laundry a day, cooking 6 meals a day for diabetics who would NOT eat the same things. ETC.
i cannot imagine marrying in to this nightmare.
2) Showers can feel unsafe to the elderly and the use of shower shoes, seats, and grab rails can make it less stressful.
3) Assistance may be needed from yourself or probably an outsider who she doesn't feel embarrassed in front of - perhaps arrange a shower assistant to come in as often as NECESSARY, and sort out cleaning herself as needed for other times.
4) showering can be painful - sounds ridiculous but try after you have been to the dentist and you will soon realise the pressure is plenty to cause pain to an elderly person with thinner skin and less tolerance to things there rest of us take for granted. Perhaps blanket bathing or use of a bath rather than a shower would be an option, or maybe having a tap fixed so you can reduce pressure to the shower or change the type of shower head.
Just some points - try thinking laterally from what you would expect from yourself and talking to her about what she will do unless she wants to have to go into AL.
I also wonder if she wouldn’t feel more comfortable in a shower if there was a seat in there and / or grab rails. She might not be washing because she is afraid of falling. Of course she’ll need a hand shower and encourage her to spray her nether regions. And make sure the bathroom is warm enough for her.
Good luck!
By the way.......we have considered greatly her going into a home however she knows us still and my dad feels he can't handle her being so sad without him.
Good luck with the new person and take comfort in knowing you have done and are doing all you can. I too have considered placement, but to what end I say? To tear apart these two bonded souls who have been married 70+ years? The stress of that alone could kill my 103 year old father. OR me considering I am recuperating from a dissected aorta! Just the investigative work, prep work, actual move...so not worth the stress of it all. My concern is if something changes...For instance right now she can dress and handle the toilet and eats on her own if given food...but as I complained elsewhere Dad will not cooperate with a plan to lock her out of the kitchen which is the simplest way to keep her out of the fridge where she is eating food that is not well, it just is not what one should eat in access. Like Jam or bbq sauce. SHe adores her olives and pickles. Usually there are no negative consequences...today there was....poop on the living room carpet....so I can only wonder if there is residue on her. She is impossible to deal with...but life goes on. This only happened one other time and she absolutely refused to get in the shower. I couldn't stand the thought of poor dad having to get in bed with her so I literally got a scissors and cut her damn nightgown off of her throwing a robe over her as I completed it.
And so it goes...And it is a damn shame the turn Hospice has taken. I get they have their rules etc., but out of simple human decency you'd think they'd do what they could to make sure you had other help lined up prior to dumping you.
Just reading your last statement, and can so relate....mom always wants dad in view it seems....Just not worth the grief to upset everyone, unless there is a dire safety or health concern. I'm sure some will see my situation especially as just that if not borderline....but we are still handling it...maybe not well...but what gain is there to someones life to have others force them screaming and upset to take a damn shower? It's just not worth it.
I have posed a similar question myself some time back, as well as brought the subject up at a support group meeting. I am about ready to scream with the clueless people who suggest make it a "spa day" environment. This is a problem so beyond that.
You could consider having a professional assess the bathroom and make recommendations to make the bathroom more comfortable and safe for your mom. My mother's physical therapist gave us lots of good suggestions for rearranging things and what physical aids would help.
If your MIL has had strokes her balance and sense of space could be off, making standing in the bathtub scary. A transfer bench can make it easier, and safer, for her to get into and out of the tub.
Consider the room from her point of view. Is the toilet roll easy to see and reach? If she feels unsteady what can she hold onto? Does the shower curtain get in the way? Is the surface of the tub slippery? How can she see and use soaps, shampoos etc? Are the containers easy to get open? Are there surfaces to safely place containers in the bathtub? Can she distinguish between the different items?
Lastly, Medicare can provide a lot of the home care items, and if she qualifies for Medicaid they can help with in-home assistance.
In all honesty, she needs care beyond what you possibly can. Plus this is a long term care requirement since she could live another 5-10 years this way. Plus as others have said, people lose their sense of smell with age. I have lost mine at 60 from using nasal decongestant sprays! Never knew it at the time that it was causing more damage.
Your husband may have made the promise but unless he is cleaning up after her, it is not a promise he is keeping. You’re the one doing all the work and you guys just got married.
You both need to sit down and be realistic about both your parents long term care. There may be in home long term care options offered through your state’s MediCAID program if your MIL qualifies for it.
Do you work as well as take take care of everybody? That is too much for anybody.
You’re doing your best for her while she hates the fact that she has to depend on you, that she’s lost her independence and autonomy. Your MIL’s poor hygiene practice is one thing in her life that SHE can still control and you cannot.
My heart goes out to you and your MIL but this situation cannot continue. If your MIL is mentally and physically capable of handling her personal hygiene and not leaving a mess in the bathroom, then you and her son need set down the house rules that she must follow. She now shares a space with 3 others and guests, and she MUST respect that, regardless of how she feels about her situation. Others may disagree but I draw the line at cleaning pee and poop off of the floor and wall from someone who is capable of proper toileting.
If she is not capable, mentally or physically, then start with home healthcare and progress to nursing care if necessary. She has severe issues that are too toxic for you to live with and are beyond your abilities.
My mom’s resentment never really improved but I made it clear to her that she had to shower daily. Not negotiable. Unfortunately, she suffered amputation of the left leg 3 months ago, but is now in a nice, Medicaid-funded nursing home. She tried to carry over that attitude to her caregivers there but I told her, “This is where you live now. Let your caregivers help you, but make the best of your new world.”
1) You stop being able to smell things that you live with all the time. I stopped smelling leather when I worked in a leather factory. Dry-land people who don’t wash because water is scarce, eventually cannot smell themselves and their friends and relations.
2) You stop noticing stains when your eye-sight goes. I have to check up close to the mirror for things spilled down my front, and also check the washing up for bits.
If MIL can’t smell and can’t see the problem, nagging won’t help. It takes supervision, OR a checklist with ticks to show what's been done, OR a stick (and perhaps carrot) approach – 'you do this if you want to live here', OR all three! Supervision will tell you exactly what is happening with the shampoo, and also exactly how she is washing. Some embarrassing conversations simply have to happen! You can't live with this indefinitely.
My mother did not have dementia, lived in her own house at 96 but refused any outside help.
It was the best I could do. Talk her into a sponge bath with thick wipes and a shampoo cap.
By the way, she didn’t let me do it very often either.
There is help out there and things that will need to be done . Start with educating your self . You may want to contact an elder lawyer. MIL will need to give someone a POA . Hopefully she has not got to the suspicious and not trusting stage. You have to financially protect your self and husband and MIL. She may need a facility down the line. Maybe sooner rather than later. You have to be aware of what the future will bring.
You really must try to get a diagnosis if at all possible.
If you have any spare time , look into some You Tube videos by Teepa Snow.
As far as the mess in the house , consider trying to get home health care in for her and a professional cleaner , too . There may be medical reasons she is having such a difficult time in the bathroom .
You have your hands full , you have homework to do .. The more you know, the better off you and your husband will be .
Best of luck ....
You shouldn't have to tell her that she's offensive or pleading with her to shower. The only way to resolve this is. A) You and your husband need to show a united front.
B) Have this conersation together.
C) Ultimatum. If she can't take care of herself, maybe she'll be better suited in a " Board & Care " facility.
If you continue to tolerate this, the probem will only get worse.
I'll keep you in my prayers!
Unfortunately bad behaviors tend to magnify as a person gets older.
If she doesn't listen to you, as most loved ones don't listen to their LOs but will listen to outsiders, I wonder if short term outside help could be a possibility?
If finances allow, consider hiring a Home Health Aide for a short time to show MIL how to shower and they will also help clean her. Once you can get her into a routine then hopefully she will continue. Maybe they could assist with toilet hygiene as well.
It sounds like dementia, but that's not always the case. A resident who shared a bathroom with my mom in the NH she used to be in had awful toilet hygiene just like that and they did not have dementia- they just didn't care.
As for the smell, bleach should help as well as get everything clean. A small black light should show where any missed urine is.
Sprays such as Scoe 10-X and Zorbx Smell Nothing could also help with odors- I use those. Here's an unconventional one- when one of my cats was spraying everywhere, I was told to use plain- like the gold original flavor, no mint- mouthwash on the areas. It takes a few applications sometimes, but it gets rid of the smell! Cat pee is one of the hardest smells ever to get rid of and this might work for you.
My heart goes out to you- it's a tough situation for sure.
As for the general body odor, you may have to consider being a little sneaky. Consider making her bath time into spa time. Tell her you and your hubby have decided she needs to be pampered like this frequently. Draw her a bath with some mild soap in it. Light a perfumed candle. Play soft music she likes. Weekly follow it up with a mani pedi and "trim" her hair. With COVID, I have become fairly handy trimming my hubby's hair and there are great videos about how to cut hair for men and women online. Tell her that she means a lot to both of you and that spa days are a way of showing your love. On non-spa days, help her with "air plane baths" - wipes so she can clean under her "wings" and "tail".
Consider washing her laundry separately. If it has strong odor (most likely) use products for pet accidents; the enzymes are strong enough to break down the waste products and their odors.
It sounds like she needs to see a physician very soon, and have a work up.
IF dementia (a big 'IF'): It could be that the move from her usual routines has left her adrift-there's lots of new things and she's pushed to her limits. If she has a form of cognitive impairment, she isn't remembering that she hasn't showered.
And... she believes she's showering completely. If she has dementia she is unaware that she is soiling herself and the bathroom. She's lost access to her executive function that lets her to assess how thoroughly she's cleaned herself and to decide if she needs to do more. That part of her brain has atrophied and she's progressed far enough that she can't recruit more brain reserves to make up the difference.
IF dementia: Part of dementia can be a lack of awareness that anything is amiss. Understand that trying to reason with her, or shame her, or track her showering to show her that she isn't, will merely be an exercise in frustration for you. It's not that she doesn't want to help, or be clean, or understand, it's that she can't. She probably used to shower every day, and so in her world that's what she's continuing to do. Imagine that you took a shower this morning and at lunch your husband did this: He offered to clean you, he then suggests a shower would make you feel better, and then finally he asks if you need help in the shower. How would you react?
If it is dementia I highly recommend reading this: http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
Once you have an assessment then it's time to sit down with hubby and decide if it's feasible for her to remain with you. Best of luck,
If you decide to use bathroom wipes for her bottom don't put them down the toilet, give her a ziploc to put them in.
This really sounds like some dementia to me. I'm sorry if that's not accurate. I am putting a bidet in my father's home to see if it helps him. He is aware but has bowel issues due to cancer of the bladder and radiation. So, that might be a thought. You don't have to have electricity to have one. Easy to install and I got mine for about 40 bucks off Amazon!
Would she repond like a child to a chart or offer to get her a special treat each time she showers? Or, to go out to eat if she showers. I know it sounds pretty elementary but sometimes older adults respond more like children. I don't mean this in a disrespectful way.
my MIL had Alzheimer’s/Dementia which started to be obvious in 2014. Since the time I lived here; my MIL never wanted to take a bath and it was always a struggle. She would always tell us that she would take it later or that she already took one. A few times my MIL would try and get out of a bath by telling me that she “ ..grew up on a farm..” Ha ha. Luckily she didn’t have any accidents - until recently, and was generally very hygienic. Bullying was my MIL’s forte with me. I wanted to leave so many times!!!
We lost my MIL a few days ago.
I completely sympathize with your situation. It seems like a very stressful set up and I hope that you have the 100% support of your husband. I was in denial and figured that I could easily care for my MIL and husband - who has health issues. In order to care for loved ones we need to take care of ourselves. Best wishes, sincerely
Buy a Shower Chair so she can sit while she showers.
Humans deteriorate in a similar manner. At this juncture, professionals need to be helping her ... which means, it's time to hire home care for her, since she is unable to physically care for herself. Contact your local Medicaid assistance, to see if she qualifies for Medicaid home care givers
And, to keep her outside an elder home, you'll need to install adaptive hardware, to assist her disabled condition. Shower bars toilet bars, shower bench, etc. Maybe get ideas from Handicapped bathrooms online.
All in all she is physically and mentally unable to care, and make decisions for herself, which means she needs professional help.
You can’t expect the same things of her anymore and it sounds like you’re starting to move into the phase where you have to treat them more like a child and take care of them. Please be patient and kind as you will see how this is going to progress and how much she needs you. Try to put yourself in her shoes and think about how bad you must feel or what you must have going on mentally or physically to not be able to do these things for yourself.
And to second the last answer, **she defintiely needs help now, assisting her in the toilet and bathing**. It can’t be you. The beauty of having a caregiver is that they can get her to do things you can’t! Do all seven things that nurse recomended and she need someone to come in at least 3 times/week for bathing, other help.
Let us know how it goes!
it breaks my heart for her that you say that she should be able to do this on her own. She can’t. Please get her the help she deserves. what I want saw as laziness and my mom I’m very sadly later realized it was dementia.
Sorry I should have written this in a seperate post.
1. sounds like underlying dementia And possibly a urine / skin infection if possible get her seen by MD
ask for a home health referral- physical therapy for muscle weakness, generalized deconditioning. She may not qualify, but the assessment is free. They can truly tell you if there is a possible qualifying condition.
2. She definitely needs someone to assist with bathing- is there any other family or friends that may be able to help?
3. I recommend a shower chair with a back for safety. Many times they don’t bathe due to fear of falling or getting sick.
4. install a hand- held shower head in addition to the shower. They’re low cost and easy to install
5. Install hand rails. Not the suction cup type, the ones that secure with screws.
6. Place non- slip surface on the bottom of the tub. Low cost, easy to install.
as for the commode- are you open to considering a bedside commode for her? It might take care of the shared commode issue.
7. if possible get some time alone for you and hubby. A picnic, movie, or just coffee away from the house to reconnect sounds like it’s needed.
god bless you. This is difficult to say the least.
She Did not answer when you asked her if you could help her so that might be a sign she might want some type of partial area of her body washed..?
and say “let me just help you wash your feet and start with the feet and do your feet as well something like that .....”I have the special cream I’m gonna put on my neck ..I’d like to get you some here around your ears ....to start with a little parts spray some rosemary into the room before you go in.
Another moment you might try to; Walk into the room spontaneously and jovially say, “Good morning MIL, they are going to show Barbra Streisand in Funny Girl today.... oh what’s that ???? And sniff your own arm pits ... breath into your hand as you reach it to your mouth Looking like you are cupping your hand to catch a whiff of your breath.....(But make sure she’s in full view of you and watching your movements and your facial expressions)
Then then run over to her and ask her to sniff your mouth and then ask her mother-in-law is it me do you smell anything?
Pull the shirt from your armpits closer to your nose , imagine seeing this scene on television make it believable then ask her if she minds if you take a sniff closer to her or just motion yourself over to her and make a movement with your head as if you’re sniffing upwards closer to her body say MIL, I see a pee or dried poop ... let me get that poop off for you ...
OR blame it on humidity and mildew getting into the clothes and you could just wash them really fast.
“ the detergent molded and it’s the same smell coming from this area here... let me help you change ...”..
Even if you get a small basin of warm soapy water and she can wash her privates and arm pits when she takes a toilet break (a soapy peppermint natural Dr Bronner soap, you’ll be ahead . )
If she’ll shower, even better. Chemical soaps decimate and strip your skins natural oils. Maybe she just