Elderly neighbor giving me major grief. Any advice?
My mother is in a nursing home in another state. I am on the phone with her doctors, nurses etc constantly making sure she is getting good care. I have a brother that lives in the same town that does absolutely nothing to help her and asks her for money when he does visit. I call or visit her as often as possible and take are of all her legal needs, spending my own money.. My mother is finally seeing the effort I put into this and is finally thankful. I have an older sister that never calls and an older brother that does nothing but his wife has been very helpful, so in reality the entire care falls on my shoulders.. I'm at peace with this and will enjoy my mother until the end. I just gave her a huge 90th birthday party and she was so grateful..
Now the problem is my neighbor. She is an elderly woman going on 84. When she first moved in I helped her with everything she needed, fix her hair, take her to the doctors, listen to her endless stories that went on and on. She has a grown son living with her that works all day.. He is almost 60, never has been married and just goes to work and Church. I'm positive he does nothing when he gets home. My neighbor asks my husband and me to do things for her because 'her son is too busy studying his Bible'. My husband and I both work full time. I work from my home. I am also a crisis minister and have a passion for helping others. My neighbor drives me bat ass crazy....Calling my home constantly or when I go outside wanting to talk constantly, I can't take my trash out or work in the front yard without her coming out and demanding I speak with her. She is not that interesting and bores me to tears. If she see's my light on in my office she will call early in the morning and demand I give her attention. I work on my computer and she will say 'get off that computer'. She has to know what I do all day and where I go and is upset that I did not check in with her while I was out of town. My spirit hurts because I am a compassionate giving person but this woman is driving me insane to the point I want to move. I have told her I can't talk with her everyday, how can I make this madness stop without being ugly. It has given me much grief.
I know there are other people in this situation but are afraid to ask for advice because they get bombarded with some ugly comments and they are so stressed out they do not know where to turn. I do hope the people that really needed advice could look over some of the ugly advice and read the important move ahead stuff. I had to go beyond my nature to make the stalking stop and it was dreadful since I really enjoy and serve several elderly people. As time went on I now think this older woman was a psychopath, she really gave me the creeps. It was more than just mental illness. I do hope they move soon.
They are not stalking me, necessarily, but these elderly women are intrusive into the lives of others.
Here is a warning: When you first meet someone as a stranger, and in the same breath they explain the reason for moving into your neighborhood was that they were being stalked where they lived before, avoid that person, save yourself!
This is not to mean that you, daughter of 4, are anything like my neighbors.
I am going to take time to read this entire post, but from what I have learned, it ends up being a civil matter in court, with he said, she said issues confusing the matter, it then becomes a circus with the plaintiff becoming the accused!
You are right to do as you have done, avoidance 100%. The loyalty of your husband would help also. He appears to be a weak link, an open door for your neighbor to gain access. A video/show on youtube explained that stalkers, (even a case a woman stalking a woman), are criminal predators that can do a lot of damage, even into the future. So sorry that you went through this, I know first hand how this changes you, how uncomfortable this is, ongoing into the future.
My mother is in wonderful nursing home. The nurses do all that you mentioned, the relief cushion, the special protein drinks along with extra vitamins and turning her over and she has a specialized wound nurse to come and address her wound on her bottom. She does not want to move or stand and there is just too much pressure on her would even though it is being looked after. Deep down I am scared to lose my mother to death but it is selfish of me to ask her stay just because I don't want to lose her. If she wants to pass on I will have to respect that but it really is scary for me even though she is 91 and has lived a good long life. My dad's death was very painful for me and he died at age 83. My main concern is that she is feeling well and not in pain. Other than the wound on her bottom she is in great health. Thank you all for your support.
But your mom- the "lazy" is just a reflection of her waning cognitive powers in a way; she does not really grasp the reason behind doing things that require effort or seem uncomfortable in any way, so they just don't do them unless you can trick them into it. They should be able to provide for a pressure relief cushion and matters for the wound, and maybe make sure her diet is reasonable with protein and nutrients she needs to heal too. Sorry you are going through so much for so long!
My own mother is now 91 and is getting tired. My last visit with her was a bit stressful because she will not do anything to help herself. She has a wound that will not heal because she will not get off her butt. She has the strength to do many things, stand walk etc but has become super lazy and will even tell you she is lazy. Her body is still working well but her mind is failing.
With all this stress and other life stress, the grief of my neighbor stalking me was overwhelming and damaging. I wish they would move. I am positive my neighbor will be harassing another person that is not as compassionate or kind and will really give it to her hard. My noisy stalking neighbor is thinking about making another try at talking to me but I am quick to get into my house and I cut anything off at the quick.. Awful.
Each night when I go to sleep at night I say 'Thank you God that my neighbor was not in my life calling or coming over. Each day that she is not in my life is a day of celebration. Sometimes it is who is NOT in your life that makes life better.
It was hard putting up with my elderly neighbor and I felt she really did not like me but pretended to so she could get more work out of me. Life is short, fragile and unpredictable. I have learned a lot and I do understand that I have to get out of my comfort zone to learn more. Handling my stalking neighbor with love certainly did not work and sucked me dry.. Yes vstefans, growth sometimes does hurt. In most cases when I do not want to be bothered the person usually gets the hint but this woman saw that I was not aggressive and took full advantage. I did use a strong voice a while back when I told her I could not talk with her on a daily basis, hell sometimes it was 3 times a days she would call. I know I have posted most of what I have repeated today but I know it is part of the filtering system to get it out and start a healing process..Thank you all for being there! I have looked into stalking web sites for support but it was mostly men stalking women, and no one over the age of 80. It's crazy on many levels and so grieving for me to me on the end of it. rovana, I do believe it was aggression and she became frustrated that I was not willing to be her slave. The up tight, stuffy, self righteous stuff that makes her 'her' is something I do not ever want to deal with again.
So, you even had each other's keys? Oops. Post office. Return reciept. Little note that says sorry it did not work out. Change your locks if you don't get your keys back, soon. The guy is upset that he can't just keep counting on the kindness of strangers instead of doing the tough work of deciding and implementing the best possible care for this person. Understandable but necessary to show him where the boundary is here. The line between "friendly" and "stalking, harassing, and draining" was crossed a long time ago, and not by you. You crossed a diferent line - your was from "friendly" to "enmeshed" out of a slightly overgrown sense of false guilt and responsibility. The bad feeling will pass. Breathe. Cry a little. You can't help but feel unsure of yourself as you are in the unfamiliar territory of have to set reasonable limits on unreasonable people, when you used to believe that if you loved people there did not need to be any boundaries or limits at all. Growth hurts sometimes.
Years ago I too felt sorry for the elderly that were in the hospital and had no visitors but now I see things very differently. My mother's room mate was 89 and had one son that lived far away but she always had plenty of company and people from her Church visiting her. She was a precious woman and we always had her with us as we celebrated with my mom. She was my mom's roommate at the nursing home and when she passed it was painful for all of us. No one can take the place of Elizabeth..So many different personalities but they have each other. My mother continues to go up and down with her heath, last week they were thinking of putting her into hospice but then when my brother or I visit her she gets well again. My mother seems to have a lot of friends and company and she has started to become man crazy but does not want a man that is 'bent'. She tells me in detail the type of man she is looking for..
The weird part about my situation with my neighbor is that I feel bad and in reality I did not do anything wrong except try to get my neighbor out of my skin. She tried to control my days and wanted a full account to each move I made. I know I already wrote that in another post but that is out of control controlling and also to a neighbor. The way it was left was ugly and not peaceful. Now the ugly part of getting our keys returned to each other.. My husband is a lot like me wanting to keep the peace and keeping harmony but the situation was so awful..
The son kept saying 'she is just a very friendly person, that is all just very friendly. I said I am a very friendly person too but it was way too much for me.. My friends that know me well say 'If that neighbor crossed the line with you she must have really been F%^$&^ up since my door and heart is open to most anyone and I do go out of my way to help. I know I am in the right, my family and other witnesses have witnessed her constant fixation on me but still I feel bad that it all has come down to this. As the wise words of cwilie said 'pray about it and put it all in God's hands. Amen.
congratulations, you are doing the best you can for today, and that is all anyone can ask for.
you did not come to this post for judgement, to be labelled.
you came here whether it be one year or 20 years ago for help.
We are all human we process life differently.
Why would someone dare to ask if you like drama
you did not start out this post that you were a drama seeker and needed help.
be strong, people say things when they are confused, what I have learned more than anything on aging care. is for me to be mindful of the words I am using.
You know whom you are. No one here does, all we can do is give you advice and I say "be the best person you can be, yes she is toxic, and if you had black mold in your house what would you do, MOVE OUT. SO if she is TOXIC, MOVE AWAY NOT PHYSICALLY,
DO NO ANSWER THE PHONE
THE DOOR
DO NOT SPEAK TO THE SON
HIS MIND IS ELSEWHERE
CALL THE POLICE
AFTER YOU HAVE WARNED HER IN WRITING TO NOT DISTURBE YOU
THIS IS SERIOUS
YOU WERE NICE
BEING ASSERTIVE IS TRULY BEING ASSERTIVE
DO IT YOUR WAY
WHETHER OR NOT IT TAKES A YEAR, BUT REMEMBER, THE SOONER THE BETTER AS LONG TERM STRESS IS NOT GOOD FOR ANYONE EVER.
ONE DAY AT A TIME, ONE STEP AT A TIME.
YOU WILL FEEL VERY RELIEVED WHEN YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED YOUR GOALS.
It is time to go back to home base, and let her know that you have had to reevaluate your time management and that there is just not enough hours in the day for you to to everything like you once did because situations have changed, "or state something that a change has taken place" and that there is no way that you can assist her, but. . . I have some very good places and phone numbers for people whom you can call to assist you.
I do not know where you live. But it does sound like a situation where her son could be of very good use, and it is just not fair to you.
Good luck.
In schools, we often tell teachers not to yell, because the child they're yelling at isn't listening and the sensitive kids are feeling that THEY are the ones who need to do better. The same obtains in your situation. You have a full plate. Your neighbor is someone else's problem from here on. Your priest will confirm that if you ask him. Hope this works out. Please take care of yourself.
We all feel compassion for the elderly and vulnerable in our communities. That doesn't make you personally responsible for every last one of them. You have a life to lead. If your neighbour has reasonable needs, you will meet them. Where she becomes hugely intrusive, that's inappropriate and you won't.
You're in the right, you know. This family has been taking advantage of your unusually generous and warm heart, and stopping them doing that has been incredibly difficult for you. I hope it won't change you, though. The world needs kind people. Hugs.
If you really want to do something good, take action to get her proper care from somebody besides random neighbors.
Please, let go of that fear that truly asserting yourself and being appropriately firm, if you don't like the word "harsh," is somehow wrong, and if not wrong, beyond your capabilities. Believe me, I know what it is to have to do something outside my comfort zone - way outside - like calling DCFS or telling someone that they are not doing what needs done rather than reassuring that they are doing their best and it will be good enough. In my business (rehab med) and really in most of my life, 98% of the time, people really do need more love and less judgement with reassurance they are doing their best and it will be good enough. But sometimes all kinds of hell breaks forth if you can't recognize and react to that other 2% of the time. This is that time for you - it is beyond your comfort zone, but hopefully not beyond your capabilities. But, if you really can't, is your spouse still around and would he possibly do it for you? (By it, meaning bring out soem legal guns, ask for restraining order, man to man face off with her son, something along those lines?
If she comes to the door with your mail, say thank you, then close the door. She will think you are not a nice person, but so what? Put up a privacy fence if you need to. It might get the point across to her.
If she asks you why you are being so mean, tell her the truth. She has made such a pest of herself that she is making your home miserable. Whatever you do, don't stop enjoying your house. Go out in your yard and ignore her. You do not have to pay attention to her. Practice your super-b*tch technique. I know it is uncomfortable with her living right next door, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Block her phone number and stand up for yourself. You don't have to socialize with everyone. I wish you could form a friendly nodding relationship, but that it apparently not something she can do.
Sometimes what you are calling "harshness" is needed. Sometimes being more assertive is exactly what is called for.
Sometimes a poster here needs a kick in the butt as well as a pat on the shoulder.
You have been given good advice. You agree that some of it is good, but you just can't bring yourself to apply it. You cannot be "harsh" to someone who is hurting, even though not doing so is severely hurting you, to the point where you are even considering moving.
Do you like drama going on around you? Do you like the attention? If the shoe fits, wear it. If not, if it doesn't apply to you, ignore that comment. But either way, realize that the whole world does not subscribe to the philosophy that one can never say something harsh, even when the situation itself is harsh.