My mother is in a nursing home in another state. I am on the phone with her doctors, nurses etc constantly making sure she is getting good care. I have a brother that lives in the same town that does absolutely nothing to help her and asks her for money when he does visit. I call or visit her as often as possible and take are of all her legal needs, spending my own money.. My mother is finally seeing the effort I put into this and is finally thankful. I have an older sister that never calls and an older brother that does nothing but his wife has been very helpful, so in reality the entire care falls on my shoulders.. I'm at peace with this and will enjoy my mother until the end. I just gave her a huge 90th birthday party and she was so grateful..
Now the problem is my neighbor. She is an elderly woman going on 84. When she first moved in I helped her with everything she needed, fix her hair, take her to the doctors, listen to her endless stories that went on and on. She has a grown son living with her that works all day.. He is almost 60, never has been married and just goes to work and Church. I'm positive he does nothing when he gets home. My neighbor asks my husband and me to do things for her because 'her son is too busy studying his Bible'. My husband and I both work full time. I work from my home. I am also a crisis minister and have a passion for helping others. My neighbor drives me bat ass crazy....Calling my home constantly or when I go outside wanting to talk constantly, I can't take my trash out or work in the front yard without her coming out and demanding I speak with her. She is not that interesting and bores me to tears. If she see's my light on in my office she will call early in the morning and demand I give her attention. I work on my computer and she will say 'get off that computer'. She has to know what I do all day and where I go and is upset that I did not check in with her while I was out of town. My spirit hurts because I am a compassionate giving person but this woman is driving me insane to the point I want to move. I have told her I can't talk with her everyday, how can I make this madness stop without being ugly. It has given me much grief.
I think she knows that if something was wrong with me my husband would tell her so it has to fall back on her. Awful. I want my life back and will get it back real soon.
I really thought I was crystal clear by telling her over the phone that I can NOT talk with her on a regular basis. She sounded really sad and then said 'I care, I really care'. and then I said thank you but I can't keep doing this. I said that with a real irritated voice after she woke me up for the 2nd time while I was taking a nap while I had the flu. Just typing that out makes my blood boil. If I see her tomorrow while I work in my own yard I will tell her my schedule is so busy. I've already told her that and since she has nothing to do all day she assumes I do not either. These feelings I have remind me so much of a stalker boyfriend that just would not leave me alone for over 10 years. He finally found someone else to irritate. This stalker is an 84 year old woman. Sometimes at night I think about her age and feel sorry for her but in reality I just can't take it. I pray to God I have to a conclusion on this this week. My deepest wish is that she would just let go and go about her life but I feel I will have to face this head on AGAIN. UGH.
The thing is, remember, your neighbour doesn't actually know what the problem is. She may not even have grasped that you have a problem with her - clearly there is a problem, and she's trying to find out what it is, but she doesn't realise she's the cause of it. I know it is going to be hard, and I feel that for someone as kind as you are by nature it is going to be really hard, but you are going to have to spell out for her in simple terms that you will not put up with her getting underfoot, getting in your face, sticking her nose into your personal business, day in day out from dawn to dusk and beyond. It is too much, and she has driven you away.
So, that's why I say "good" - it is good that you are planning to speak to her and her son. Don't forget that the length of time this has been going on, and the extremes she's gone to, have wound you up to quite a pitch. But, for example, calling at 8:15? Crackers, I agree - but she doesn't even know that you're ok, don't forget. What would you do if someone you (however irrationally) thought was your friend suddenly vanished off the radar and never got back to you? She has no idea what is going on, and clearly lacks the basic social and neighbourly insight to get there by herself. You'll have to help her.
Be REALLY clear, but be as kind as possible without being ambiguous. And remember that she is her children's problem when it comes to emotional and social support, not yours. I hope it'll go well, and normality will return. Best of luck x
I tried to help another work colleague understand this idea when my work emotional vampire got the message that I wouldn't help her, so she turned to my other work friend. My other work friend is a very caring woman, so felt an obligation to help, like she was the only one who could help. I eventually got her to understand that our vampire would just move on to some other person when she declined to help. And she did. And so will your neighbor. So stay strong!
Don't blame yourself at all for being nice at first, or thinking that maybe there's some wiggle room for being civil, since you're neighbors. There isn't! She's unhinged, plain and simple. What's that famous quote from Maya Angelou? "When people show you who they are, believe them!" So true!!
I'm sorry that you have this unbelievably awful situation, but I think you're doing all the right things.
I am not even sure trying to gradually throw this womans yokes off will work, may have to be cold turkey.
Legally, and I'm not sure how you could do it, perhaps an order of protection? It may well be that eventually the state will have to come in and sort it out as sonny boy probably won't do a d*mn thing.
might be worth looking into.
just remember with classical vampires: they can't come in unless you invite them. and this vamp sounds like she is whacko
two cents ¢¢
My neighbor's husband died early when he was in the middle 60s, she has not dated or ever remarried. I thought she would have learned something from his death but the way she talks about grief or death is so spiritually immature. She is not comforting or soothing in anyway.
When my husband is mowing the yard and the noisy neighbor comes outside to talk, he turns off the mower so he can hear her noise. I asked him to stop doing this because it is robbing us of TIME. We have a full schedule even on week ends and her making noise and him stopping everything to listen to the noise is wasting time and rude of her to try and talk with him as he is mowing. Oh yes the madness has to end. It's as if she is a 2 year old and screaming Give Me Give Me and you are forced to deal with it. Just me making the decision to not talk with her has freed my brain to go on with life. The extreme neediness is awful and could be dealt with so much easier in a Skilled nursing facility. My mother age 90 is living in a skilled nursing facility where she is among others for socialization. My mother eats her meals in her bedroom because she said 'Some of the other residents have eating habits that are not too appetizing.' My mother goes to the gym everyday, plays Bingo, goes to the music entertainment they have and lately she is going to Sunday service. What a great difference this has made with her.. My mother has gone from one foot in the grave to thriving all because she was lonesome and now has more than enough company. My mother grew up in Germany during the Nazi times and has first hand stories about that time. There are students now that come and visit her on a regular basis and ask her about her time there. I was told there maybe a short film made on her life. Imagine that my mom a movie star at age 90! I will ask God to please make my neighbor not afraid to go into a retirement home and let her healing begin.
Change your locks. Those people are just plain weird, and I agree with blannie that weird ones sometimes go off the rails. These neighbors don’t respect your boundaries. There’s no way I would want someone like those two to have a key to my home. Oh, and give her back the key to her house. You can just say that your daughter is your go-to person now, and has your new key. I wouldn’t even ask for the old key back. Just tell her you got new locks, and daughter has the key. When she asks why you did this, don’t explain, or just say something breezy like “Oh, I just thought it was a good idea.” If she’s offended, oh well. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Maybe her getting a little offended will help draw those boundaries you so desperately need.
When she catches you outside, ignore her, or just tell her, “I don’t feel well. Sorry, but I really need my quiet today.” When she persists, stand up, look her in the eye, and say “I don’t feel well. I need to be alone”. And then ignore. Go to the other side of the yard. Walk away when she’s mid-sentence. Repeat as often as necessary. Don’t worry about appearing rude. SHE is being rude by ignoring your request for privacy. At that point, you don’t owe her politeness any more.
When she asks you or hubby to do something, just say, “No, we can’t, sorry, but I’m sure your son can take care of that”. And then leave. Repeat as often as necessary. And you both should be refusing her, by the way. If she learns you won’t help her, but hubby will, then that’s where she’ll go. She’s a user, plain and simple. So both of you get on the same page and give her the same answer: “No, sorry, we can’t do that.” When she complains that her son can’t do it because X, Y, or Z, say, “Oh, that’s too bad. I’m sure you’ll figure it out/I’m sure you’ll come up with something/I’m sure the Bible has an answer.” And again, leave.
You’re exactly right, though. You’re the one in control here, and you’re the only one that can change it. Good luck!
This situation is dragging you down. Somehow you need to take action because you won't feel comfortable until the situation is corrected. And the sooner the better.
I really, really feel for you. Having to harden your hearts - and you absolutely DO have to or you'll find her in your bed at this rate demanding sleepy-time stories - must be so hard for both of you. Get those kids to take better care of their mother!
I suppose moving house is out of the question..??? :)
I wish my neighbor could find a friend that moves as slow as she does. It takes her 20 minutes to get in and out of the car..If that was the only problem I could deal with it but she has a lot of turmoil going on and that part just drains me, she will say that 'nobody knows when I have a problem' and I want to say 'Of course people know, you wear it like clothes. She is not authentic and I think that is what wears me out the most.
I thought about wearing headphones but when I'm outside I really need to listen for on coming cats, dogs, and wild creatures. Even though I live in a city we still get all kinds of wild animals that I have to be open and aware of, plus if someone comes behind me I can be more prepared. But I have seriously thought about the headphones. I think it's unfair that I have to spend money on HER annoying behavior. She simply needs to stop so everything can restore to peace. My husband said that he thinks it's ok if she calls me 3 times a week instead of everyday and I said to him, Do you want her calling you at your work 3 times a day? And to that he said HELL NO. Ok then. I should ask my mother to do me a big favor and call my neighbors son 3xs a day at his work.. Just had to type that to release some anguish. And yes looloo, I will make peace with that awkward uncertain feeling before I get assertive..
Bottom line, If my elderly neighbor was fun loving and light hearted I could take much more and do much more with her.. If she did not argue or talked politics (ranting on and on about how this country is ran) or give me blow by blow details of each and every word her doctors have said I maybe able to take a smidgin more but H*LL NO, I have put my time in. I can look at this as another experience and situation that I never want to get into. And I want to say that I appreciate each and everyone of you that have put in your 2 cents. I have read each comment twice and I'm taking all the advice and moving forward. . I hope to contribute to this board and help others as you have so wonderfully helped me. Amen.
And DO expect some ugliness to occur, and know that this is not your fault. Get acquainted with your new buddies: that awkward uncertain feeling, right before you assert yourself! Followed by resistance, rudeness, and maybe some mild retaliation. It is a bumpy road on the way to reclaiming your life, but well worth it. Hugs :)
The "loner" son living with his mom is the classic profile of the guy who goes off some day and does something bad. So not to frighten you, but just be cautious around those two. Having worked in human resources for many years, I'm always wary around people who are outside the normal bell curve of behavior - like they are. Outliers may be perfectly fine, but I will take my time in finding out. In this case you've found out they're both weird on several levels, so stay away!
Another thing you said caught my attention. Being firm about your wants is not being "an ugly person". You're just voicing (kindly) that you can't do what she wants you to do. Being ugly would be saying, "No you stupid cow, I can't do that - why would you presume I could?" But that's not what you're doing. You're just not doing what she wants you to do. That's perfectly OK and in line with being a fine and kind person. Just not a pushover to a pushy, demanding, insensitive, aggressive person.