First of all I'm so grateful to have found this site. Now...where to start. Mom is 83 and her mind is failing fast. Repeats herself constantly, thinks the bank, the pharmacy, her doctor etc are lying. She's needed hip replacement for at least 10 years, can hardly walk and is in horrible pain. She has not done anything to secure her future. Her home is in disrepair, with a mortgage, although she would probably net $400,000 after sale. She has no other assets other than her SS which I believe is only ~400/mo. I live 500 miles away. I have never been her "favorite" kid, only the responsible kid so this is falling on me. I have an adult disabled child so live on a shoestring while caring for her. I recently had surgery for lung cancer and am trying to heal physically and emotionally. I'm not even cleared for travel yet. I'm simply overwhelmed and do not want to compromise my health or minimal finances but I do love my mom and want to help her if I can. Any ideas where to start?
Your situation reminds me of my story with my Dad. In January 2017, I moved my 89-year-old Dad- who is cognitively impaired, incontinent, legally blind, and can only walk short distances with his walker - from GA to CA. His living situation no longer was working well for him. He declined, had a mild heart attack and ended up in a hospital, followed by rehab. I went to GA to emotionally support him and try to discern where he should be. He really wanted to move back to CA. My husband and I finding an AL facility near us in CA that would meet his physical needs.
The day of the flight was a very long challenging day. We picked him up from the Rehab at 9:30am and got to the CA AL at 9pm - but he survived (so did we😉😊).
Over the past 20 months, my Dad has improved so much emotionally and physically. What I have discovered over the months is that I am a very significant key to my dad’s mental health. I cannot care for his bodily needs, but I can trigger those precious memories that are in his brain.
Dad’s AL facility is only 15 minutes away, I can visit him 2-4 times a week. The frequent contacts enable me to observe and reflect on his words and various emotional, physical states. They also enable my Dad to develop trust in me, that I can discern what he needs and engage the resources available to meet his needs. On Sundays I pick him up and take him to church with us, where he can watch the children play together, be greeted by name, be stimulated by a God’s word, and during communion remember that Jesus suffered and died for the love of his soul. During the week there are doctor appointments and visits in Starbucks, where he sips his coffee, watch the young students interact with each other, and reminisces with me.
As his only son, you share significant history with your Dad. You have an opportunity to slowly develop a relationship with your Dad. As he comes out of denial about the loss of his physical freedom, if you are in his life, he may become more humble and thankful for the important role you play in his happiness. I hope that you will explore the option of having your Dad living near you and your family in an AL facility that can meet his needs.
In the next 3-6 months, I encourage you to watch and see what happens with your Dad and step-mother. Keep asking 1) is the best for the best living situation for your him, and 2) what kind of time and energy can you realistically give your Dad given the season of life that you are in, if he were to live closer to you.
Please take an attitude of working _with_ your mother to _help_ her instead of one where you are taking control and ignoring her wishes. You may eventually need to place her in AL or MC and it will be so much easier if she accepts the need to make that move.
First, I suggest you tell Mom you are concerned and would like her to see her doctor. Find out the doctor's name and send the doctor a letter listing of your concerns (he won't be able to talk to you at this point but he can listen). After Mom has visited the doctor, ask her to sign a HIPPA so you can talk with the doctor about what he thinks. The PCP may schedule appointments with a neurologist and/or a geriatric psychiatrist. You will need a HIPPA release for each doctor. At that point, you will have the necessary information to plan next steps.
If your mother is still competent, talk to her about designating DPOA and HCPOA. Make sure these documents name a primary and secondary POAs and authorize POAs nominating successors. Only after you have these documents in hand, start talking about in home help or assisted living. One step at a time and don't rush your fences.
If she's not competent, you will have the documentation you need to proceed with a guardianship hearing. I suggest picking someone you can work with and trust to be a co-guardian with you so no one has to go through the guardianship process again. My mother and younger brother became co-administrators of my grandmother's estate with the younger brother being included because of my mother's age. Life is uncertain and the younger brother died before the estate could be settled while 14 years later Mom is still kicking.
After Mom is deemed incompetent and someone has decision making authority for Mom, make the best decisions you can for everyone - Mom, yourself, and your family. Previous posters had lots of great advice for this stage.
I wish you luck with your mom. Please take care of yourself and I wish you a speedy recovery! Good luck and please let us know how things are going.
caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint
it’s a team sport, not a solo event
As much as you love your mom and want to do the right thing, I would respectfully suggest that you place your needs and the needs of your special child first.
You may feel that there is practically nothing left at the end of the day when those needs are met - no time, no money, no energy.
That feeling would be the realization that while our love may be infinite, we are all finite. When we give, or commit more than we have, we accrue deficits in things that are vital to our survival and happiness - sleep, health, good humor, positive attitude, financial safety net, friends, goodwill, time...
Be efficient. Be creative. Be compassionate in what you chose to do to assist your mom. But, I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that you can manage all of her care needs or repair her life. You have so many very important things on your plate already - healing your body, caring for your child, holding together your finances.
Get as much government assistance rolling for your mom as possible - Medicaid, elder services, legal aid, the local agency on aging (adult protective services if no other help can be found). Find a social worker or case manager to do the heavy lifting on mom’s behalf.
I hope you aren’t offended by what I’ve said. It’s spoken from the heart (a very exhausted one).
Wishing you all the best.
Although I'm not LisaJean I found your advice very helpful. I'm two years into caregiving for my parents who live 20 miles away. I'm very blessed to have a supportive and patient husband.
Your insight reminds me that there will come a time when my parents' needs will require expertise not just my love.
I am extremely grateful for the time I do have caring for my parents and will cherish the memories we are making together. I know I can't provide everything they will need in the future.
Thank you for your caring, thoughtful insight.
Take care of yourself and your daughter. That has to be your first priority, no matter what else happens. Stay strong.
2 - EDUCATE YOURSELF by finding out who has POA & go forth from there
3 - EDUCATE YOURSELF by finding out her financial position
I can't say it enough - you can't make an informed choice without the straight facts concerning where you stand & make sure they are not guesses but her personal pertainent issues
It seems that there are siblings & what will they be doing to help or hinder - you have quite a bit on your plate so make sure that rest of family are not doing the same things you are which is a waste of time for all - TIME FOR A FAMILY MEETING even if it is a conference call or skype - your don't have to do everything yourself - delegate to the one who can do it best so may be that bro does paerwork, taxes etc & someone does daily issues
Once you have a plan then if possible everyone keep the rest of family in loop - after I take mom for an app't I write it all up in an email with names, contact info etc to my sister & COPY MYSELF - I have folders on computer for her financial, medical & miscellaneous so if I need to refer to anything I look there [subject titles are very important with this] - if she needs to step in if I am away she has the info at hand [we're 2 hour drive away from each other]
Your mom most likely will have to move & probably sooner than later - make it a 1 time move & she should be near whoever has the responsibility for her because doing things from 500 miles away won't work -
Then sell that house & don't kill yourself over it - clean out & search for personal items & things of family value otherwise sell as is as a fixer upper then be done with it - look under the shelf paper for items hidden away - put the money where it will generate an income for her but make sure she can't touch it because she could give it all away in a whim
Seek professional advice for her medical condition, selling house, her legal issues etc - quite often you can get this from agencies that have little or no cost & try to get it from someone who is not trying to sell you something to line their own pockets
Good luck & I hope your situation improves as well as your mom's
Right reasons to care for your Mom are that you are in good health , you chose this and you know you have the expertise to do it . You mention she has had pain for years and that alone is enough to make her terribly depressed and sick . My heart goes out to her and she deserves good care , now and to let go of all that is too much . It won't be easy but it will be right . The website I mentioned above can give you real insight into the time and patience it takes for someone with Memory care issues not to mention pain that should have had help years ago . Call Social Services in her area today . She has been neglected long enough . Imagine trying to cope with serious pain and a mind that " tricks " you . Not right ,not fair . Love means it is ok to let go and make that call . Compromising your financial situation is not what you can afford to do at this point , you are correct . Be at peace , make the call and be clear about how serious the situation is with her alone .
See an eldercare attorney, establish Power of Attorney (if not done already), and go from there. but plan on nursing home. If she is already on Medicaid no worries. Nursing home placement is merely a doctor's order..done deal.
If she does not have a geriatric doctor. Get her one. They understand the needs of the geriatric population.
If she has not been started on Namenda and Aricept..discuss with her primary doctor.
She is only receiving $400.00 per month. Something is wrong, especially she was married before. Even if she was not married before..she should be receiving at least $850.00 per month. You might want to take her in to the social security office.
Feel free to contact me for additional resources and information.
Hope this helps.
Angela
I was actually wondering about putting our name on a LO's account. I did this with my Mother but then was advised against it as her funds could be construed as mine somehow implicating me in any possible outstanding bills or worse responsible for a NH stay.
Thanks! Lucy
Best of luck, keep us posted
It will take the tsunami that's coming to maybe provoke changes in the disconnected, dysfunctional non-system of human welfare we have now.
I can't offer any help, except to say that your mom, when she thinks banks pharmacies, doctors are taking advantage of her, no doubt has past experience as a guide . The older we get, especially women, do get cheated by opportunists and thieves. It would be natural, as her mind becomes frazzled, to feel that everybody is doing it. It's hard, but try not to argue over it and get yourself worked up.
You are apparently in no condition to deal with this major issue. I agree with cwillie that you need that geriatric care manager. And to put it to your siblings that they need to step in and share the all the load, including financially. Better that they take it over altogether. You can't be all things to all people. Take care of yourself and your child first. Your mother had her life and made her choices to get where she is. You have your and your child's life to think of and need to keep that as a top priority.
In the end, we are all dead, and she will feel no pain or resentment against you when that happens. And don't let siblings "guilt you" for not doing what they are unwilling to do.
Thanks for any info you have or good reading on the topic you can suggest.
(and good luck lisajean!)
Jane
And..yes your focus does need to be on your health and your disabled child but you are going to worry if your mothers needs are not taken care of. Just remember to also take care of yourself.
Angela
What Memory Care facility will you choose for her.
Do you have the authority to sell her house?
Are you POA or who is POA for Finances and medical decisions?
Most Memory Care facilities, if you find one that accepts Medicaid will want you to private pay for at least 1 year. So keep that in mind as you look around.
Your next step might be best to contact a lawyer that is well versed in Elder Care law. They will be able to help you navigate the legalities.
Another question..is your Mom a Veteran? if so she may qualify for other sources of help. If your Dad was a veteran again she may or may not qualify for other help.
Remember..if she sells her home and she has Medicaid..this could cause her to exceed the financial guidelines and not qualify for Medicaid.
Angela
Angela
If this stage works and you find a placement, you will then face the need to deal with your mother’s house, because she will need to spend down her funds to access Medicare. Her current income won’t pay for care, and she won’t be eligible for Medicare with a big asset.
It would be a good idea to get all the paperwork in order. A Power of Attorney to deal with finances etc (joint and both to sign might be a good idea if there some family conflict), Advanced Care Directive etc. These need to be in place now when there is no question about her not having the mental capacity to sign the documents.
Think it through and make a decision about what you think is the best course of action. Then come back again for help when there are clearer questions to ask. Good luck in tackling a problem which must seem overwhelming right now, and best wishes.