Hi there. So I'm in a sticky situation and I'm going to lose my marbles if something doesn't change soon. My husband and I have been married for just over a year now and we have a very tiny apartment that we live in. We also both have full time jobs and I'm going to school. With all of that being said, my mother also lives with us. She actually is living on our couch in our living room (which is really tiny).
I had moved out of her house and on my own for a few years when my mom hit a real rough patch. She lost her job because of... Well it is a long story but she wasn't fired. And she couldn't get a new one where she was living because of her age (she's 60) and also because the economy is terrible where she was at. She ended up not being able to pay her bills or any of her rent so we offered to have her move 6 hours to live with us (which we paid for). The plan was to get her here and help her find a job and get her back on her feet enough to where she could live on her own. But everything seems to be going wrong. About a month after living with us with no luck of finding a job, she fell down a flight of stairs and broke her wrist and pelvis. Then shortly after she healed, her very unreliable car died on her so now she can't go to and from anywhere (and she wont take the bus, we've tried). We have become her main source of income and transportation and its been really really hard. We were already struggling before she moved it and its only gotten worse. Not to mention the fact that all of this has really taken a toll on us mentally and gotten between our marriage. Our sex life has suffered because she's literally about 20 feet away from us at all times. I miss having our own space and our freedom. We've only been married for a year and I want to cherish every moment I can with him. We are secluded to our bedroom because it uncomfortable to be around her.
Its also hard because my mother is stubborn, negitive and rude and can be manipulative. It is extremely hard to get along with her. I pretty much avoid talking to her at this point.
I don't know what to do. I need my sanity back and so does my husband. I can't keep forking over money because I have a life that I'm trying to build. But she has no money, no car, nonwhere to go. What should I do?
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Every bit of advice helps.
PS. She already has food stamps and medical. She had section 8 but lost it when she moved in with us.
And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
At the age of 60, unless she is absolutely, positively not able to live on her own, and I don't see that here, she needs to get out of your house especially if it is that small. She is 60, which is NOT old. Now if you told me she was in her 80s/90s, that would be a different story.
So, Ground Rule Number One: OUT. NOW. Call Social Services to get help in getting your mother settled into some sort of Section 8 housing if she can't work.
TWO: See above...She's 60, not 91. Sounds to me like she need some psychiatric help. Find it for her.
THREE: She using you and your emotions. It will ruin your marriage, it will ruin your plans for schooling. At some point, you'll end up just like your mother. Do you want that? I didn't think so. So, back to ground rule number one: OUT.
I hate to say this, but she's not going to like this and you're going to have to understand she may not talk to you again or if she does it will be later ... if you want to break this cycle, then you have to stand firm. She is using you for her own benefit, not thinking about you or your new husband but herself.
OUT.
I acquiesce that perhaps she did lose her job (however, the person writing said she didn't get 'fired'. Also, she broke a few bones, whatever . My mom, when she was in her eighties, lost my dad. The first thing she said was, well, I'll just have to go out and get a job bagging groceries at the supermarket. She was in her mid-eighties. Not 60. She's just had open heart surgery, needed a knee replacement, and she was thinking about getting work to supplement what social security was taking away!
It's a MINDSET. This woman is obviously taking advantage of these two young people.
One other thought I had was if they can move to another apartment, they should do so, leaving the couch in the living room with mom on it. Sorry, I don't feel sorry for this mother. She's a leech with obvious psychiatric problems which should be addressed.
It's called depression. I can't even imagine taking up the living room of two young married people! And not even thinking about it as being 'wrong'.
I'd feel like I was intruding. Quite frankly, they shouldn't retreat to the bedroom, they should actually sit on the damned couch and watch whatever they want to watch and do whatever they want to do...anything to make MOM uncomfortable!
Despite assertions by progressives who complain about stagnant wages, inequality and the (always) disappearing middle class, middle-class Americans have more buying power than ever before. They live longer lives and have much greater access to the services and consumer products bought by billionaires."
Mr. Boudreaux is professor of economics at George Mason University and chair for the study of free market capitalism at the Mercatus Center. Mr. Perry is a professor of economics at the University of Michigan-Flint and a resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute."
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From that WSJ article...
So, there is more mobility and ability to pay for what used to be available to only those in the higher classes. TV's used to be really expensive. Computers? Who ever thought people in my income category would be able to afford one? Supermarkets! My goodness, what a selection of different foods available to us that were never available back in the 50s/60s.
So, 'middle class' can no longer be defined as an income level, but as the ability to buy what only upper class people could afford years ago.
American offers the most opportunity for the most people than any other country on this earth, including the freedom of movement and choice. You can choose to better yourself or your can choose to sit on a couch in your newly married daughter's small apartment destroying her marriage and her hopes for a better future because she is in school trying to better herself.