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LonelyDespair said "it’s certainly helped me tremendously knowing I can reach out and find so many accommodating good souls."

This is GREAT feedback from you! If we can even make your life or anyone else's a little more tolerable, we've achieved something!

(Also good to see you back, despite some of those not so helpful posts... we keep trying to 'edimacate' them, but some people just have cemented mind sets.)
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well pretty much all the answers given to women can apply to men as well.  It is a tough disease to handle for the person themselves and everyone in the family.  There are different stages they go thru and anger is one of them, denial another.  Don't try to argue with your wife because you will "not" win and its hard to change the subject.  Best case is to go along with what she is saying and if she wants to know about going home.  just tell her that whenever the doctor says its okay to leave, then she can, but until then she is being waited on every day with food, baths, (I am guessing her places shows movies), playing bingo, etc.  She has it all.  Or tell her later in the month you will see about her coming home but with doctors orders first.  Do you have any photo albums you can take in and look thru with her, maybe talk about stuff she did as a little girl, young girl and when you first met.  she will remember back in the "old times" quicker than the new.  I am sure that if you explain to your kids/grandkids that they know it is a disease of the mind and that she can't remember things that just recently happened.  Maybe find a group that deals with this (of course with virus now, you might have to do online with zoom or whatever).  This forum is good because it covers a lot.  That's how we personally found out about an Elder Attorney when my dad got sick with dementia.  The attorney was very helpful.  I wish you luck and take care of yourself.
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My heart goes out to you. As much as we want to be a fixer in this situation, we can’t. This disease can’t be fixed, meaning their brain can not be fixed on how they think of things. But you can help fix yourself. How you know you did the very best you could. How you did fix what you could over the years. Remember the good times when there was full understanding. Do not take not being able to fix this on yourself. It is not you. Be kind to yourself. Be your own fixer. ❤️❤️
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Don't waste too much time trying to argue the adultery issue. Yes, it angers you, but in her broken brain, it's true. I'm not quite sure why that issue surfaces, but it is common. Maybe she was always a little jealous of you around other people but now her mind just believes that it believes. I know of a lady who honestly believed her husband was having an affair with his granddaughter. She would related down to the minute detail of catching them in her bed. When it first started, we had no idea that she even had dementia yet (to that degree), as she only showed little symptoms at that point. She progressed very rapidly from onset to being totally gone mentally. Another woman I knew, thought all of the ladies working at nursing facility were seeing her husband behind her back.

It's all just part of the disease and you can't argue her brain back to reality. Accept it and let it go, as hard as it is. Try to agree when you can to keep the peace. I hope that you find many more days of agreement.
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Hey there my friend. I can completely understand n relate to everything ur going thru...been there n still there now. Would love to speak n help u more but it's late here now so feel free to email me directly if ud like.
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HI there, there is an old saying that while some may think it is cruel, it does fit. People with senility (dementia) meet a new person every minute. My dad had dementia, and like your wife he had a hot temper and would throw accusations and would become violent. I would visit daily and bring people to visit, and he too would insist I had never been. I finally spoke with the staff doctor about his behaviors, I was told, in several people with dementia they don't recall as the short term memory is drastically impaired, they can remember things like their 1st car, what they wore on their 1st date, but can't tell you what they had as snack only 10 minutes ago. They also can't recall anything that happened even 2 months ago as it isn't entering the brain. He explained, think of a car, most require at lease 4 cylinders to run properly, and the gap on the spark plugs need to be calibrated for optimal performance. However, people with dementia no longer have 4 properly calibrated cylinders which does not allow their brain to operate at optimal perfomance.
After this explanation he also stated it is best to not argue, I found it difficult to be accused of taking his shoes or turning off his TV while visiting him at the Memory Care facility.
While it is great you reached out, as most men do not, and being a fixer is a wonderful trait, while you wife isn't fully fixable, the best fix you can do is continue on the path you are, bring friends, family etc as allowed, visit frequently. Accept the fact your wife is not doing these things to be mean or to create problems, but she honestly doesn't know what she is doing and deep inside she does love you. Whenever possible try to redirect a conversation especially if it is one that will lead to an argument. Such as when she accuses you of adultery.
I wish you the best
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LonelyDespair,

First of all, I am so sorry for your situation. My mother is in her 5th year of Alzheimer's and I am her main caregiver so I understand how difficult your life has become.

It is obvious that you love your wife very much. So it is very hard to hear her accuse you of adultery and that you never come to visit.

I have a suggestion. You know by now that you can not convince her of the truth. All she knows is her reality in her mind. So instead of trying to convince her of your reality, why not join in her reality and have some fun while you are in it. It might calm her down if she feels acknowledged.

For example, when she tells you that you haven't come to see her. Say she's right and that she must miss you so much.

When she accuses you of seeing other women, tell her those other women can't compare to her. They tried to keep you from coming to see her but you escaped, that is why you just now got here to see her.

Be creative.

I don't know if my suggestion will work. If you do decide to try it, let us know if it works.

This phase your wife is going through will pass. For my mom, it did. Now my mom hardly talks.

Hugs to you and your daughter.
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LonelyDespair Jan 2021
I appreciate your suggestions on handling those situations but she does have moments of lucidity and I can imagine it might be the wrong way to address the problem and I end up digging a hole from which I can’t climb out. We’ll see. Might come a time in which it might help. Thanks for the advise.
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Imho, show love, reassurance and redirection. Prayers sent.
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LonelyDespair,
After reading through several responses, I can say, I know exactly where you are. Caregiving is not for sissies. My father and our family have been through the same situation when we had to place Mom in MC during this wonderful covid period. A week after placement, my parents "celebrated" their 63rd wedding anniversary. My parents have always been "dating close" to the point, as kids, we used to tell them, "get a room" all the time.

Upon placement, Mom had a tough time with some aggression and exit seeking, but meds and reassuring phone calls with dad helped ease her transition. Though my mom was unable to use technology, staff would help her call us, or bring her to a phone when we called the desk, but it was always the same thing...accusations, where have you been, and the worst, "Why did you throw me away?!"

Brutally hurtful, yes. I cried after every phone call or visit...we could only physically see her once a week due to covid scheduling. Staff always told us that she was doing fine and that she was happy there and enjoying activities. She was a staff and resident favorite, always talkative and smiling. With us, she was crabby, they didn't feed her and she never did anything..."just take me home." Then I finally realized....saying the things she did, with her dementia, was her only way to tell us how much she loved and missed us. Instead of getting upset or arguing with her, we would just tell her, again, how much we loved and missed her too. It seemed to satisfy her and made us feel better.

So, I guess my advice is...it's all about perspective. Our loved ones can no longer communicate the way they used to, so it's up to us to figure out what they really mean. Like my mom and dad are each other's forever and ever, your wife still loves you as much as she did the day she married you. And she says that every time she argues with you. I wish you peace my friend!
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First. I am so sorry how this disease has impacted both you and your wife. There are few words that will resolve the angst in your heart related to a precious marriage crippled by this disease.
Second. You are stronger than you think you are...
Third. My experience is with my precious Mom-In-Law whom I love just like my own mom and I am married to a wonderful "fixer" / rational thinker.

Here's some things to consider:
Once you are able to accept that the beautiful person you have shared your life with now lives behind a curtain - so to speak - the easier it will be to resolve in your mind that you are now taking care of her temple - the place where her soul resides. Alz/Dementia occasionally will allow the person to peek through that curtain and those moments are very precious. Those are considered short spurts of clarity and would be considered good days. Most days will involve human compassion and wisdom to accept this new "normal."

It's OK to step back, set some boundaries and live your life. It does not mean you are unfaithful, unwilling or uncommitted to ensuring she has the best care. It is good you have family around you for your support.

The best piece of advice our family neurologist (specialized in geriatric disease and health) has given us thus far is: Remember, you are dealing with the disease - not the person experiencing the effects of the disease. Anchor yourself in knowing there will be good days and bad. Leave them at your doorstep when you return home after each visit. Most Alz/Dementia patients know in the beginning stages something is happening to them which makes them feel scared, afraid, and lacking any personal control to do anything about it.

It sounds like she is in the earlier stages of the disease because angry tirades and aggression are key symptoms that seem to be mostly controlled with medications. Attempting to reason with her will only cause you considerable heartache and frustration. Perhaps consider developing a series of repeatable statements to address her concerns each time she brings them up: (ie. Q: "Why can't you take me home?" A: "You have been diagnosed with (early onset, moderate, advanced) dementia which requires specialized care. You will remain here so these trained care providers can ensure you do not endanger yourself."). I know it sounds very basic and perhaps contrite - but very specific statements have allowed my husband to communicate with his mom to address these types of questions.

So what can you do about engaging and re-directing?
Heres what may help:
Sensory experiences such as music, pictures, smells (aroma) and interactive toys (yes - that's right) have been really good for many patients including my Mom-In-Law. These will often create calmness and security.

Music helps a great deal - especially music from her past
https://www.mindcarestore.com/music-player-p/mc-2115.htm

Pictures from the past (no so much current day) when she was a child or teen. This may allow her to grab a memory and describe it to you. Old high school albums, wedding pictures, past trips. (Not necessary to leave these items behind - just bring them for a visit and promise more on the next visit).

Smells - bring and spray your cologne or her favorite perfume on her pillow as a reminder you are nearby.

Interactive Toys
Currently my MIL has 2 interactive cats, 1 interactive dog and a small interactive bird (for which we can leave messages for her to hear) have been great because you can move your conversation towards care and need of these "friends" and make her feel "responsible" for them.

JOY FOR ALL - Orange Tabby Cat - Interactive Companion Pets - Realistic & Lifelike$99.99Amazon.comFree shipping

Does this always work? No. But it is a start. And it may give her something to feel like she has some control. Her anger is frustration and her frustration is fear.

Don't give up. Be kind to yourself. And let us all continue to hear from you.
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My heart goes out to you.

Can you bring her some visual reminders of your love and presence which she could see and focus on while your are not there? Cards, framed photos...
write her a poem about how wonderful she is and how much you love her and frame it... I promise she will love it. I have leaned that anger in dementia patients can be an expression of fear of what is happening to them. So she lashes out. It helps me (a LITTLE!) to remind myself that when my Mother lashes out at me. Boy it’s hard, so hard.
Bring her food she likes (for some reason my Mom will remember something she liked that she ate for a day or so when she can’t remember anything else).

COVID has made this 100 times harder on you. Do what tou can, go as often as you can, as frequently, then call everyday.

hang in there, friend
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