Must I bring my elderly parent to live with me because it's my "obligation"?

sorry catails you were not the one I was referring to , it was margeaux who said she leaves it all up to her sister, sorry for the confusion,hugs

ej: I have 3 siblings, two brothers and a sister. I left home when I was 18 years old. My mom was happy to see me go as they were struggling financially and one less in the household was all the better. I have made my way. My brother, David, and I put a new roof on my parents home, we did so many things for them over the years. I have a memory of my mom buying me a tube of lipstick. It cost $1.27. That was many, many years ago, but I remember it because it touched me and was so unlike her. I could tell many more situations where I was always the one giving. I came to understand that my mom would only be happy if she could be the child and I would be the indulging parent. My mom loved to be indulged.

My sibs are 2 states away. Two of them could do more, but they don't. Still, the sibling you complain about does help. What she avoids is getting sucked into the middle of a difficult situation. Maybe it's not necessary for her mom to live with her sister. If her sister wants to be the martyr, then why should she take on more than she knows she can handle. I sometimes feel angry with my siblings, two in particular, but one has little means to help and the other is just clueless. They are who they are.

If I was in the ocean with my granddaughter or my son and we were struggling to survive, I would give my life for them in a heartbeat. I would hope that my parents felt the same about me and would want to save me when they were able. I don't think my dad would want me to die from stress due to his illnesses. He has had a good life. He's 89 and I'm 63. I was 55 when I took them on.

My sister is off for Sping break because she works for the school district. She said she would come up and help out. She could come for 2 days. Two days is a joke, but she has a family too. Kids and Grandchildren and horses and dogs. I'm not sure I want to have a relationship with her when this is over, nor my brother Robert who can take 2 weeks to go to China and visit his wife's parents, but can only be here a couple of days and can't take on the responsibility of looking after our two dogs so we could get away.

The subject, however, is does someone have to give up their life to take care of a parent. My point is no, but you do have to try and see that they are well cared for.
When you get to the point that you have decided that assisted living or NH care is a must for your parent, I and many who have been there will support you. I hope you understand my situation and can appreciate why I feel the way I do. God Bless You for your kindness and love. We are all trying to be good too.

When I was younger I made a vow that I would never, ever place my parents in any type of AL or NH. That was great, fine and noble assuming of course that they would age with no health problems. Dad passed 7 years ago and my mom now had mid-stage ALZ. She lives with me and while my older brother and I hope to keep her here as long as she is safe and happy, we now both know that there is going to come a time that AL or NH will be be better place for her to be. Between a FT job out of state and health problems of my own which include a type of heart failure, I am getting worn out. Unlike some of the posters here I had great parents and feel lucky that I can be there for her now. However, you have to do what is best for yourself, no one should feel guilted into carrying for an elderly parent or relative. Moving your dad into a place with other seniors could be the best for his mental & physical health.

ejbunicorn, you are not judging anybody but you call her selfish. I wonder how you'd talk if you were judging?

The Bible says it's our obligation to care for our parents. However, that was 2,000 or more years ago and things have changed. I remember someone telling me that parents shouldn't go to nursing homes. I can't make such a statement. My former brother-in-law had a father-in-law with Alzheimers and he never went to a nursing home but he had a number of adult children and adult grandchildren to take care of him. In my case I am it. My mother's sibblings have died and my step sibblings are thousands of miles away and some are dead. I'm the only living relative my mother has. My mother was in assisted livig and was unhappy there so she moved in with me (she invited herself). She lived with me for a little more than two years and then had to go to a nursing home because I do not have the training or the skill to take care of her. I am also too young to retire. Also my mobile home is not condusive to her. She went to a nursing home a couple weeks ago and I don't feel guilty. I did what I could. When my mother was younger she moved to another state so she wouldn't have to take care of her mother.

Totally agree with you, you have to take care of yourself, and yes it is very hard for me some days and I am not putting anyone down who chooses to place their parent in assisisted living or nursing homes, I do understand that sometimes that is necessary and probably in the future will be necessary for me also but the one girl who spoke here about leaving all of it up to her sister made me mad because that is what my siblings have done to me. I just wish she had a little more compassion and empathy, Please beleive me I am not judging anyone, that is God's job, I just want to know I did the best I could before I look into placing my mom anywhere, hugs

eibunicorn: I have no problem with you praying for me. I can use it. My point is that you feel God expects you to give up your life so to care for your parent. That's fine for you, keep up the Xanax. There are ways to care for our parents without giving our lives up, like I have done. The goal is to keep them safe and well cared for and that can be done in different ways. It's not your place to elevate yourself above all others who are doing the best they can and may not be in a position mentally or emotionally to take on the full care of a parent. I've been doing it for 6 1/2 years. I'm exhausted and while I love my dad, (my mom passed 3 years ago) the care takes it's toll. I wouldn't ask my son to do this for me. I want my dad to pass away under our roof, but there is no way I would recommend that someone else go down the road I have gone down. I have an obligation to my husband, my son and my granddaughter too. Oh yeah, and then there's me. I need a little something too.

cattails, I also suffer with axiety so I understand, I take 4 mg of xanax a day and yes there are days when I would like to runway, but I don't think that is what God would want from me, Yes I am a christian. For margeaux, to leave it all on your sister really sucks for her, I know as my siblings have done the same for me, you seem to be a very selfish person, will pray for you and cattails, I do beleive there comes a time when you can't provide their care at the cost of your own, when it gets to that point, it is time to look into assisted living or a nursing home for them, which may happen at some time in my mom's life as she has dementia, I will care for her as long as I possibly can, Margeaux, you said you have no children, well guess what when you get old and need someone to help you, you won't have anyone, I am in the same boat, I know there will be no one for me but I won't have to look back and say gosh how selfish was I, at least I feel like I am doing everything I can with in my power to care for my mom, prayers go out to all of you and hugs too

Russkm: You were warned about the bus and it has arrived. Just step aside when it comes rumbling by. I feel for your situation and appreciate all the comments that were supportive and acknowledged the difficulties of taking care of parents. DT, my heart goes out to you and too the many others who have struggled and paid a high price to do what they thought was right. EJbunicorn, I'm sure the Lord is happy with you, but I think he has compassion for all us of who do not flourish in the land of self neglect. Understand that my father lives under our roof now. He is 89 and requires 24/7 care. I'm 11 years older than you and my health is suffering from the stress that I experience. My husband is in the same boat. How is it going to benefit my dad if I die before him? Is that what we want for our adult children?

My mom is elderly, 91 years old w/ALZ. Several years ago when she was officially diagnosed, it was understood that she needed to live with someone who could be in charge of her. Add to this, that she was living at the time w/her sister, two years her senior w/congestive heart failure. They at that time were living in mom's, house. I come from a culture that I feel places a tremendous amount of guilt especially upon the women to be there to care for elderly people, no matter what. Mom, while we were young was emotionally absent. The more I'm learning about narcissism, she fits the bill. Then the sister who never had her own children, well guess what? Eventually we had to become responsible for her too, and she was such an awful person, a true narcissist. Mom's kid's of which we are four, I am the eldest then I have a sister, and two younger brothers. We're from baby boomer generation. My brothers and sisters have grown children now, and are currently becoming grandparents. I'm of the four siblings who didn't have kids, but am married. Because of I guess the difference between my siblings and me, (even though I was given tons of responsibility as a kid to watch my siblings while both my parents worked all of their lives I was the mommy, I honestly was never given credit or validation for this fact. My sister who is the next in line was. My brothers also, and I think this happened since they are the ones who followed the more traditional path of having kids, etc. In our family, I guess in all families sometimes parents end up maybe delegating certain of their children more w/the legalities about their own lives like POA, MPOA as they become older. Also in our family, my sister and brothers as they had their children relied on both my parents for money, favors, even this aunt w/o kids was called upon for various favors as such. So, my siblings in my opinion have never cut that umbilical chord between my mom, aunt and themselves. Well, in summary, I'm not this person. At first upon mom's diagnosis, and her sister's increasing needs for care, since at that time my younger brother was legally in charge of them, after a stay for both of them in hospital, the doctor's wouldn't release either one of the two elderly ladies unless this brother agreed he would take them home w/him. He has a super dysfunctional household, in which he has four grown kids living w/him. He & his wife live together, but I'm actually surprised they live under the same roof. His grown adults, as they aren't kids any longer aren't the kind of grandchildren to my mom that would help out at all. So, my brother had these two elderly women in his household, he works full time, but when my sister would go visit, and take them out for breakfast, she began to tell me how unkept in terms of hygiene they were looking. My aunt the oder of the two who still at that time was at least still o.k., on the thinking front eventually complained about this, and eventually my brother and she got into some big fights. So aunt then changed up the POA and all that. After having spent about 6 mos. in his home, they moved back to mother's house, now w/my sister moving in, w/her two daughters and a boyfriend of one of them. So my sis has been in charge the last few years. My aunt died very recently. RIP. But there's still my mom. Now as I described before, although I love my mom, I never have felt very bonded w/her. I live across town, and do offer lot's of emotional support to my sister, and do relieve, as in spend overnighters when requested, or one of the paid caregivers is ill, stuff like that. In essence, the more hands on responsibilities has totally fallen, oddly enough just as when we were children, on my sister and myself. O.K., I've been giving you background just to maybe see whether you have some of this going on in your own family. My sister and me have been told repeatedly by family members, things like, "oh, your mom is so lucky that the two of you, live/or go and see her etc. My sister does a great and responsible job over there, I don't know how she does this, honestly, don't think I could do this, as a live in, etc. But I have had to remind my sister also, that although she many times w/call me and I hear all the guilt buttons (w/regards to her frustrations about living w/mom, not having privacy on account of caregivers, etc.), that maybe there are options. Believe me, I've also been guilt tripped too, even at times by my sister. But, I had too much of this growing up, and it took too much on my part to get rid of some of this. I see how it really stifled my life, and even effected the adult I became, and mind you this I've done w/o any therapy.
So, my suggestion don't feel guilt. But if you do, try not to beat yourself up about it. This is a big job. Before my sister finally put paid caregivers in place, I used to hear tons of guilt w/respect to herself, and then of course some would be directed at me, as in little digs about how the few times I'd see mom was usually initiated by her, as an invitation to breakfast or lunch. But we had a real weird situation going on while my mom's sister was alive, in that she was abusive, so it was difficult to participate more in the past. But this has changed, too before she died, and obviously now. As I had to tell my sister, "you can't do it all, yourself." I do urge you to especially if your dad has insurance, or maybe you could look into some kind of Assisted Living situation. In summary, NO, don't feel guilty. Please visit this site, as a person who caregives from a distance, this site has helped me sort things out tremendously. I wish you nothing but the best, and remember too, I wonder if those same people who push the guilt buttons would do the same. Lot's of love & light to you, Margeaux

I so agree with the comments about raising a child not even being in the same league with taking care of a sick, elderly parent. They are not the same. I even had twins and a two year old and I can see it is nothing like taking care of babies.I got alot of joy out of raising my kids. I don't hear alot of joy with many people taking care of their parent(s).

Old people are grown ups with opinions, personalities, disabilities, and not to mention their size. Little kids you can govern most of the time. Not so easy with an elderly parent. And I too believe the parent made the decision to have the children. We all should honor our parents and love them but unfortunately some of us have a problem with that due to the parent's conduct.

I really don't care what anyone thinks about what I do for my mother. I could spend all day talking about all she didn't do for me. I wonder if she feels guilty, oh probably not. Narcissists are like that.

I can relate to your dilema so well. I also have to take care of my 85 year old mother. I do everything for her, but I don't sleep there, as I am married and have a family of my own. I am so tired of people saying to me, "you don't live with her?" Are you expected to give up your whole life for this person, just because they are a parent? She didn't do a very good job of taking care of us when we were children (leaving us several times with our drunk father). I too battle with this every waking moment, I can't even sleep worrying about the "right " thing to do. I think in the end it is like a lot of people on this site have said, we have to see that they are safe, and taken care of, but giving up our own life, that is a battle I am still fighting with myself. Good luck with yours.

russkm,

The "great and honorable thing" to do would be for those same friends and family members to give you some practical help instead of a lot of hot air. Is this sense of obligation coming from your family members? If so, it sounds like they are using emotional blackmail to keep you where you are so that they can avoid doing anything.

I don't know why some people continue to try on this site to compare raising a child to taking care of an aging, decline parent?

I'm confident that you will decide what is best. Take care and have a good day.

No, it is not your obligation! But It sounds like it was his unspoken expectation. You have many more years of life ahead of you. Too often the stress on caregivers leads to their decline, even death before the one they are caring for goes. That being said, I imagine there is also the side of you that does not want to see your father suffer. I was in that situation. My father was desperately lonely after my mother died, but was able to care for himself. I loved him and worried about him, but we were two very different people and I knew we would both be miserable if we lived together. He deserved to live out his final days/months/years happy. And I had a husband, job, and lifestyle I didn't want to change. He refused to move into an independent living residence where there were others like him. Instead, we - he participated - hired a "companion - chauffeur" caregiver to come to his house several hours a day, take him out for drives, grocery shop, etc.
She became the caregiver as his needs required. He was happy, I was happy, and I visited often. And it was much less costly than moving him to some other place.
Good luck with what ever you do, but it sounds like you and dad need to start having some serious, heart to heart talks. Long talks over time. Nothing that monumental can be sorted out in just a few conversations.

Don't feel guilty. You are taking care of your Dad. It is a very hard thing to do to take care of a parent. Yes, they took care of us when we were young. But that is what they wanted, to have kids and raise a family. Not everyone has the capability to take care of an older person. When my mom was taking care of my grandmother, she ended up going to a psychiatrist, and he said to her who do you think you are Mother Theresa. We can't always take care of everyone, sometimes we need to take care of ourselves first. I have heard so many people say this is wrong, but until you are in someones elses shoes, don't throw stones!!!

I am no expert on this and am in a similar situation, all I can say is take it one day at a time. Stop beating yourself up your doing the best you can and if its not good enough for anyone else well then they can step into your shoe's. Every situation is different with different circumstances. However we are all human and deserve to have sanity in our lives. Try to find an outlet for your frustration, I know mine is on this web site and yes it might not be what I want to hear but sometimes truth hurts. Only you have to live with your choices, Look into assisted living or a nursing home there not like they use to be and can give him what he needs. My friend told me do you want to spend the rest of your time being angry and maybe hate your FIL or do you want to have him smile and enjoy your time together, well of course the later so we are looking into assisted for the best for all of us. Good Luck and best wishes.

that was to supposed to say I have given up my life to care for her

To dt, I totally understand, I cannot leave my home for more than 2 hours at a time, for fear of my mom falling and she also has dementia, yes I haven't given up my way of life to care for her and sometimes it is hard, but my heart tells me it is the right thing to do and it is what God wants me to do, hugs and prayers for you

My mom lives with me and I am her caretaker, I do this because I love her and yes adult children should step up and take care of their parents, after all didn't they take care of you, I am 52 years old and have been doing this now for 7 years, Like the other person said do what you want but you will have to answer to the Lord.

From my experience it was kind of a mutual decision - when my dad died, mom was talking about selling the house and moving ino an apartment, I, on the other hand was looking at a possible and probable downsizing in CA, plus looking down the road at my own retirement and possibly not having enough money to afford to do so in Ca, so I decided to come back here, buy the house from mom, and build a retirement life here. I lined up a job before I came, and it seemed OK. Did buy the house from mom, we shared expenses for the rest of her life (she passed last December). ***Now the Downside.*** Practically as soon as I walked in the door I knew I had made a mistake. Even though I had lived on my own for 35 years, had been married and divorced and had a good though unspectacular career and social life, as soon as I walked in the door I was 12 years old again. I do not want any warm and fussy comments or any "Awww's" from anyone about a mommy's love - I was a posession, that is all, my mom turned out to be highly narcissisic, which had always bee lurking back there but as long as she had my dad to pick on it was sort of 'masked' - too long a story to go into here. To cut to the chase, I spent 12 years in a place I did not like, with someone who did not respect me as an individual, at least for about 8 of the years until I finally got her retrained. For the last two years it was pretty miserable in another way, hersort of OK health started to slip badly, she ended up as an incontinent, in a hospital bed in the living room with hospice care. I have not been away for a vacation for the last 8 years, could not even plan a night out with friends or a shopping trip to the next city without a great number of arrangements for her care, and always had to stay within phone contact. ***Cut to the chase,*** Obligation is OK until it begins to take away your own life. If you can manage caring for your aging parent in some way that it gives you a life too, it is a great, charitable, loving thing to do. But be prepaired to sacrifice your own life if you do not have a lot of help from other family members. I did not, my life has been totally lacking in any color for so long, now that I am alone I am having to learn to have joy all over again, and am not sure it will ever be restored. Be warned.

All your responses are amazingly helpful. I read the suggested article "If you knew.." and it really makes sense. My dad is 88 and by choice he just stays in his room all day. He uses a walker and does not want to leave the house. He's on multiple pain pills. Friends/family said what a "great and honorable thing you are doing" and in my mind I was saying "but I don't want this." My dad does not know how I feel. Being so old, he has no one left. I will take all the words of advice and weigh everything and decide what's best.

Who told you it's your obligation? You're an adult now, not a little kid who has to do what he/she is told. Getting past that barrier into adult-hood is sometimes difficult.
The decision now is what's best for you, mentally, physically, psychologically, spiritually, etc, and what would be best for him. There's a middle ground there some place.

There is an article on this site, "If you knew what you know now: Hindsight for caregivers". That I fine very moving. There are other options besides having him live with you. But do what you can, you won't regret it.

I become weary of my obligations to my mother, but she has no one else. She lives in Assisted living, but there are still so many care taking things to do. I think in the long run I'll be glad I was there for her.

Sorry to hear that your mother died and that your dad is a widower. So, other than not wanting to live alone, your dad is capable otherwise to live on his own? How long has it been since your mom died? He sounds depressed and might need some medicine which might help him feel like getting out with people his own age and who knows, he might even find a new wife. Who made you feel obligated to take him into your home? Why did he chose you to come live with? Doing things out of obligation does produce resentment. Can he afford to go to an assisted living? Just not wanting to live alone is not enough of a reason to me for going to set up one's life in another person's house.

It was understood by whom that it was your obligation? It would have looked bad for you to whom? It sounds like you are trying to please some outsider(s). Can you identify them?

Believe me, on this one you are never ever going to please everyone. Can't be done. So decide who is important enough that his or her opinion should guide your actions. Personally, I'd pick you and your opinions!

Follow your conscience. Don't worry about the bus. You don't answer to anyone but the man in the mirror.

baumgark, I agree with you. sorry about your upbringing, very sad

Thanks for your response about people being critical of those who aren't overly joyed. Once I became an adult and raised my own family and carved out a life for myself that I've learned to manage, it's hard to take a person into my home and care for them. We are 2 very different adults, thrown together because of circumstances. I can still honor my father, but I don't have to live with him. I have a lot of thinking to do about all of this.

russkm, no, you are not obligated to keep your parent in your home. Not by law, not by anyone but yourself. You do need to see that the parent is in a safe, secure home or has the help they need. I think too often children are made to feel guilty because someone gave birth to them. My mother would never "keep" me if I were the elderly one. I watched her refuse to take in just about everyone in the family. She has been emotionally absent most of my life and is selfish and narcissistic. If I took her into my home, she would kill me with stress.

Your father may be happier if he lived in an AL or NH. He may have a fear of them because of the way they were run in the past. He may need socializing with other elderly people just to get the ball rolling.

Look out for the bus you are going to get thrown under on this site. I can here it coming already. But make the right decision for you as well as your father. And you better have a thick skin. Take care

You have no one to answer to but yourself and the Lord. Why is it your obligation and who delegated this to you. I understand this is your parent and some will be quick to jump on me about my response but, we all heed from different upbringings. And no one understands your unique situation except for yourself. It is a difficult decision to make and so many times we are guilted into doing things we don't want to do. I moved out when I was a child and my mother allowed my brother and I to be abused by her numerous live ins, am I obligated to take care of her because she got pregnant? I only divulged this last bit of info because a lot of people on this website are critical of those who aren't overly joyed with the thought. It is a difficult decision and I wish you the best of luck. Research your options and talk with those experienced in this area of expertise.