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How’s it going, Power?
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Very bad. I think it’s coming on and it’s going to be bad NHWM.
VA Volunteer Director called me yesterday that he would be arrested today if he continues to trespass at the VA hospital. They’ve been trying to get him out the ER Dept for a year! He convinced Everyone he made a full recovery (as for surgery yes) but he’s been getting complaints from dr and nurse staff all this time. He doesn’t care he’s in the way, he doesn’t care it’s fast paced and insists they’re lying and he’s no problem. His walker isn’t in the way and they don’t move that fast He Insists. I called PCP and found he’s cancelled all his appointments and also geriatric neurologist appt. He’s lying to me and PCP. I gotta be the bad guy so I’m guessing getting POA for medical and financial is going to be like pulling teeth😭
I took his access badge to hospital and they appreciate his kindness for volunteering but he isn’t a good fit in the ER. Can you imagine having to bail him out of jail because he keeps going and has been told he’s not welcome anymore, I guess they had to get rude finally. Do they even allow bail in military detention facilities? I don’t know where to start now if he’s not going to cooperate while he is mostly coherent????
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Oh man that is such bad, sad, heartbreaking, nerve wracking, temper flaring news.

I can't imagine how you feel.

One thing that I want to say, he may have a dementia that he really doesn't know that he is having a problem. I know it hard as can be when it looks like lies all over, no responsibility and no care for others, but I would bet that it is largely due to dementia.

His executive function is pretty gone based on what you posted.

I pray that you can help him, it is really difficult when they don't know that they are having problems. You will be accused of everything imaginable, know it is the disease, as much as it still hurts, he most likely hasn't a clue.

Hugs! Tough times.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Thank you, it’s sad and maddening at the same time. I feel you’all have armed me with so much knowledge but I’m confused as heck on where to start now. Called Dr and let her know what happened and he’s cancelled or avoided appt for geriatric neurologist. He even has long term care but I’m frightened how we get from point A to the part of placement. It could be years, driving accidents, i mean even his reaction to hindering others care was unnerving 😭I’m pre obsessing maybe?
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I’m sorry too. It’s amazing how they can drive us insane and over the edge and the next moment our heart can wrench for them. Dang roller coaster!
Praying for strength for you and peace for him.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Thank you Bella, I do find comfort I’ve found you’all. A blessing in a windstorm is still a blessing.
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Power, I think that his a actions show that he may be a bit farther into dementia than he seems, lack of understanding and empathy, then saying everyone else is lying, those are symptoms if he wasn't always like that, and I am guessing he wasn't or he would not volunteer to help our brave military men and women.

Unfortunatly this probably means that you have to spend time with him to figure out how bad he has become. Any hospitalization or medical incident can cause an increase that may or may not get better. It is usually the people that know him well see change before any doctor would notice.

I would ask the director of volunteers for their opinion and that of others that have known him throughout the years.

The only thing that is certain with dementia is that it is all uncertain.

Look at this as progress towards him being safe and cared for.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Being a volunteer and not a patient means Hippa laws don’t apply so I’ve been waiting a couple days for the ER person in charge to contact me and inform me what she has seen over this last year, no call back yet. I’ve got a feeling it’s a progression of what’s more noticeable now. Dr been informed. Waiting for return call as well.
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So, PO3, Take a step back, yes?

Are you your godfather's guardian?

If you are not, you have no legal responsibility. You need to tell the VA that they should proceed how they feel they should because YOU have no legal authority to MAKE him do anything.

Sometimes we need to step away in order for folks to get the care they need.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Im not sure I can step away now. I need to be prepared. We share some financial accounts (was for tax purposes) I’m going to pursue POAs both medical and financial but as for guardianship I’m not sure, it puts a lot of liability on me, doesn’t it?
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Have you consulted an Eldercare attorney?
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There is something seriously mentally wrong with your godfather. Why would you subject others to him? Why would you allow him to be disrespectful to others at the holiday table? I'm surprised the host didn't pull you aside and ask you all to leave. How is it that you are more concerned about hurting this man's feelings than protecting the feelings of others he has hurt?
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Oh NYDIL so much has come forward in the past week, a whole new host of issues🥴 holidays are almost a non issue with all I’ve found out! Wish me luck!
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"Im not sure I can step away now." Power, I second (third? fourth?) the motion that you should seek legal help right away. If you end up with POA, you may have way more trouble that your family or marriage can handle. You may want to use that attorney to sever the accounts in common and pay the tax liabilities. This guy sounds like bad news and a lawsuit waiting to happen. If you are found responsible, you may have to pay for any fines or whatever that he incurs. Does he have NO relatives at all? You really need to back out or you may look back on the tax savings and other involvements as the most expensive (emotionally, maritally, legally, even physically) savings you ever had. Don't sit on this one.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
I need to take this information and mole it over. A lot has happened in the last year regarding mental health issues and I been concentrating on this last summer. I guess I didn’t realize and possibly was an antagonist of last Christmas. I will help get him situated, I feel compelled to do that much, I have set him up once and I can do it again. No he has no family or children at all. I will definitely make certain he gets the best care. I will not commit to doing it as personal caretaker myself, but I can orchestrate from a distance. The legal parts I’ll do more research on before I sign up for anything. California is a bit different so I appreciate you pushing to delve further 😉
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He is 91.. Point blank, tell him he is welcome to join your family for holidays. Any negative gestures or pouts are not allowed. If he wants to continue, he may do so in his home-alone. Have UBER or taxi number ready to call to pick him up and take him home. Thank him for is visit and send him away. And do talk with taxi or UBER prior to the holidays to make sure this is ok to do. You don't need elder abuse mixed in with his dementia. And do have this talk with him prior to bringing him over... It will not be tolerated... do you understand?

By the way, when was the last time he had a check up.. CT SCAN OR UTI ?
It could be just cranky 91 year old stuff hitting his mind/brain, that he is no longer in control of himself...

He lives alone... anyone checking on him on a daily /weekly basis?
Tell him if he wants to come over, it will cost him $50 per child towards their college fund.. Might as well start saving for college now... and if he has funds... let him know, degrees are not free.. any help to get them a degree is so much appreciated...
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He should be in a safe enviroment... Senior living/independent living..apartments... They usually have activities.

My friend moved he FIL into one. They went over everyday to walk him to the cafeteria... and followed him back to his apartment... He never got it... He was clever enough to catch a ride from security... :)

He ended up in the memory care unit after a couple falls and mishaps...

Start looking into senior living areas near you... They usually have fun functions and things for seniors to do.. He might appreciate more friends and people around.... Visit a few with him and take tours with him.. They will usually give you a free meal when you tour the facility.... Make a fun daytrip of it.. He might really enjoy it.. Engulf yourselves take the time and visit...
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
There’s no way he’s leaving his home yet, the behavioral signs have begun in my opinion but he’s going to keep hiding it unless he doesn’t even know, which is likely. I let him drive last week and he did amazing. Until something substantial happens he’s not going anywhere, it’s a matter of time. So far I’m not seeing anything of concern around his home. He’s just a rude jerk and selfish. It’s not enough...yet. Kind of a hide-and-watch game.
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He is no longer mentally competent. Cognitive decline is a sign of something wrong. The elderly can have symptoms of dementia with an infection. He needs to be professionally evaluated because it won’t get better with firmness on your part. He really does need to be in a care facility.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
I’m still trying, he told me he waited on hold 20 minutes to make the appt but I’m not sure I trust what he says. We spoke and my son had been in an accident so I was at Drs due to headache, I said I couldn’t do dinner his response was ‘ ok take care, maybe lunch tomorrow or dinner?” Kind of a passive response to a possible head injury and of course I got angry. I reiterated there was an accident in case he didn’t hear me but he doesn’t care about anything besides him. I go see him couple times a week to look for signs of onset but he’s onto me. He won’t be deemed incompetent so placing him is a ways out unfortunately.
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I dread these holidays every year and am 77. The grinch of the family. My Mom always loved Christmas so much. I feel bad that I don't like it at all. I just get through it and older I get more I understand it is only a few days out of the year. They go pretty fast.
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AT1234 Nov 2019
Glad it’s not just me, Alva.
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Celebrate with your family and pick an other day to share with your GF. That snarky inpatient behavior is part of the dynamic to keep you focused on HIS NEEDS. Start working on that perfect fib cover up. He has to decide if he will sit home alone or come (alternate day) to your house (or out for a burger?) and enjoy your company in a no snark/grumpy zone.
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Xenajada, my mother was the same way. We always went to my in-laws for Christmas Eve but had my mother over to our house on Christmas Day. She couldn’t wait to leave and go to the casino. The casino is open 24 hours a day even on Christmas Day. They have no shame. They are greedy for your money!!!
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Power, how did things work out?
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Awwww JoAnn so nice of you to remember me.
My son and I were invited to my Aunts new home in the foothills, so I was very hesitant since I have very little family. After much thought (her being 70 and house full of boxes) plus she doesn’t pay for sports channel, has no coffee pot and did ham, I couldn’t subject her or myself to it 😢 I just couldn’t. I told him he wouldn’t have coffee or sports or white meat and he said it was “ noooo problemo” but I know better so if he made her feel bad I would have not handled it well! We had a stint of bad weather so I had to drive my truck and I can’t lift him into it, plus steep driveway and stairs (I exaggerate a bit) it wasn’t a good combination so I told him I couldn’t get him there safely and he would be miserable considering his behavior last year when he had all those things so I was going alone. He still never has apologized or ensured me it wouldn’t happen again.
We had a wonderful warm quaint Thanksgiving without him, I feel a little bad but would have felt FAR worse had he insulted my dear Aunty and made me drive an hour back home hungry and angry. I brought a plate of goodies for him. He got it today.
I hope you had a nice day and all turned out well?
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Power: Thank you for that update. I am glad to hear that you had a quaint Thanksgiving and that godfather got the plate of food. Good job!
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