What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving?

Caregiving.

What bothers me the most is that it didn't have to be. My mom did nothing but sit in her chair ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. I repeatedly warned her that if she didn't move around, she was going to end up bedridden. Well, that's exactly what's happened. She has arthritis and a bad back, but so do millions of other people. She'd used that as an excuse to not move. She'd get up a few times a day to go to the restroom and to get her dinner. That's it.

She lost all strength in her legs, ended up in the hospital (where a bed sore was discovered) then a skilled nursing facility, now here with me changing her diapers. I am REALLY angry. She does not have enough money to pay for a place in a care facility. But has too much money for Medicaid. I'm not going to waste here money attempting to spend down to qualify for help. Ugh!

Thank you for this opportunity to vent.

Having to go it alone. Even when I'm sick myself. Even with my own failing health. Being attack and falsely accused of things untrue by siblings who avoid sharing the load. I've had to cancel medical appts because sibling would offer to step in to take our parent to the doctor. Whenever there was any attempt to ask for help I had my head taken off and handed back to me. So I just don't ask anymore. In fact, I'm so distanced from some of my siblings now (except the ones living far away out of town who can't help) that we're like strangers. I honestly don't care to be around them anymore.

I hate that dementia destroys everything - friends, family relationships, environment, homes, finances, you name it -- in its path. So, I hate everything about caregiving.

I think some of the things that bother me is the feelings of resentment. I feel like I'm wasting my life taking care of a person who treated me poorly prior to her stroke and paralysis. I take care of her currently and she still finds ways to criticize me and the psychological trauma resurfaces.

Other days I get sad about the fact that I will never get to experience a "normal" adulthood with my mother. She will never watch my kids and she will never walk/dance at my wedding. It's sad, but I've been learning to accept this.

I think the worst part is the frustration that comes with burnout. My mother's cognition isn't really there and she will fight with us for random reasons and her empathy is just gone. She doesn't care that we are all exhausted and depressed from care-taking, she feels as though we are inadequate care - I think the worst part is the lack of appreciation.

My mother is 97 she is a hateful narcissist and has made my life pure hail, my youth and most of my adult life. Everything is about her.

She may well outlive me, horrible thought.

Honestly, we are all living too long, my mother didn't have to care for her parents, she did the minimum for her children and once they were 18 they were out of the house, never to return...for any hardship.

No guilt on my part, she is in AL, safe and I no longer speak to her and never will again, I am done!

I hate how the rest of the family conveniently stays far away. They only show up once a month or so to provide my mother with massive amounts of alcohol, which makes her even more difficult to deal with, and then they leave.

what bothers me the most about caregiving? mean people (LOs).

and dishonest hired caregivers. not only is it bad to have thieves in your home, but it creates a lot of extra stress, in an already stressful situation. time/worry/having to look for new caregivers; more of one’s precious time wasted with additional problems.

I feel used

I don’t know how to get out of my situation (helping, caring). There must be a way out. I want to be free. I used to be free.

As caregivers we are sacrificing our best days for somebody’s worse. It’s hard not to let resentment, guilt, despair and depression set in for what we’ve lost. Perspective is trying to see what your loved one has gained, and reflecting on what we have gained despite the loss.

My mom became really hard work after suddenly losing dad to a stroke in 1993, even though she had constantly complained about him all my life (still does to this day) she took it very badly and didn’t know how to pay a bill or write a cheque. She was 70 then and I was working full time after unhappy divorce and she was amazing looking after my daughters and felt needed and she was.
Then at 80 she had a knee replacement operation, fast forward she is now 98 and for the last 18 years I have cared for her. She is now totally disabled and still lives at home because that’s what she wants and i deal with her every need. Unless unusual circumstances I visit her every day, oversee her carers, meals, laundry, medication, hairdresser, chiropodist and gardener. When she could get about better I took her on holidays to the sea side, I pushed her around in a wheelchair which killed me. Then when we came home she told a neighbour I hadn’t taken her shopping, but we did loads and I felt so hurt. And she wrote to my cousin saying she hurt her knee and implied I hadn’t looked after her properly, I only found this out because I found the letter of response from my cousin!!) I never ‘have a go’ because she’d tell everyone I’ve been nasty to her.
So to answer your question? The hardest thing about being a caregiver for me is striving to make her happy. But she rarely is. She’s never happy with food, the carers, even moans her friends call her at the wrong time. The only person she’s really brightens up for is my brother, who needles to say declared years ago. ‘Moms had her life, I’m living mine’ says it all doesn’t it?
I just want to make mom HAPPY but it does not matter what I do I can’t.
Yes my girls do love her but even they have dropped off now having their own babies. Mom does not have dementia but is very cute. Knows how to play the ‘poor me’ and heart strings sooooo well.
I don’t resent my brother for living his life but I do resent mother thinking the sun shines out of his backside and listening to her boasting to her friends about all he’s achieved. I once dared to tell her my brother was her favourite YEARS AGO she taunted me saying I’m jealous jealous jealous and called me green eyes and OMG that hurt I could still cry now ! So I learned my lesson. It’s a mother son thing? He was cute, knew how to pull the wool over her eyes and boy could I shatter her illusion of him if I wanted but I won’t. Ever. I’m past caring. But I take a deep breath and off I’ll go again. After all I owe her looking after my girls all those years but if I count the years I’ve looked after her and they are outweighed …..I’m 65. Retired at 60 thought I’d have a ball but it’s nothing of the sort as I don’t have much of a life. However! Recently told brother and girls I’m going away with my best friend for a girls week to Majorca in October so they’ll be looking out for mom.
I also unintentionally rescued a dog, or she rescued me. Thought mother would not approve, but brother, who doesn’t usually tolerate dogs has taken to her .. so mother did too :) well our pets are surely kinder than people. Sorry to ramble .. it’s helped, hope I’ve helped. old age can be cruel 😔

My 88 y/o mother has lived with my husband and I for the last 10 years. Everything we do has a thought about mom first. She has mild dementia which she doesn't acknowledge. And I understand that. Everything is ALL about her. Poor me. The only things she does is puzzles on the internet and watch TV. She talks about wanting to do something different but then has an excuse not to do something different. My husband and I can't have a conversation between us she always has to butt in. I get zero help from my brother. Ok, so he did come out last year to watch her so we could go on vacation. He saw how she was. Now it's about how sorry he feels for us. But has yet to offer his help again. She can go weeks without talking to him but then when I talk to him he seems so concerned. NOT!! Mom feels he is the best in the world!! I know I'm resenting this whole situation but it was up to me to take care of her. Maybe I should quit feeling sorry for myself and my husband. It's all so hard!! Not getting any easier 😕

Boredom! Mom goes in and out all day long….won’t read, watch TV or sleep (nap). Follows me around and asks me what I’m doing constantly! She’s not hyper just has zero interest in ANYTHING! Tried everything, music, simple games, super easy puzzles; she has no interest whatsoever. When I sit down with her to chat, every conversation comes back to her. I know this is 100 percent her dementia but this might make me go insane!

I don't know if I've said it before, but it's the, "Ungratefulness." Many of you remember me and my mom's big 2022 SNF Bust Out to End All Bust Outs...
Now, I have my stage 4 cancer mother in law living with us. She tries, but she is at the end of the day, horrendous.

Neither of them have any sort of brain disorder - my mom gets a little conveniently confused but breaks out of it. Fortunately I arranged my mother's finances to have round the clock care in her home until, whenever. The caregivers love her, and I am out of it completely. It took MONTHS to get to this point, but I have a little bit of peace in my life at least there.

My MIL is 100% there, and 100% angry, annoying, entitled, to name a few. And I am FULLY aware what a stage 4 patient is facing, but when you can walk, talk, pour your own drink, eat nothing but sugar 12 hours a day (I am not joking come look at my kitchen, I've tried to stop her), criticize the size of my condo, tell me how noisy it is where I live, tell me how gross my water tastes and how stupid my ice cubes look, I tend to forget...sometimes.

My mom has captured the learned helplessness, and my MIL has the, "Well aren't you cooking for dinner, you mean I HAVE to cook for MYSELF?" And before you come at my neck, she doesn't qualify for AL, and she cannot afford her own apartment. She's from out of town and is in town because we have the best cancer care on the planet. If I sent her back to her hometown the cancer doctor could see her as early as May 2023. I don't see her past April.

Be grateful for the kids who took this on, even when they didn't want to, and because out of respect for you as a parent they won't unleash the 4 letter word tirade that you have coming.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to re-toast the bread because it isn't brown enough.

Translation: The toaster is broken, you'll have to find something in the freezer after all.

Sending love and Blessings to all of you
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️...

The lack of joy I experience in life. I used to be such a fun loving person. I looked forward to going home after work, taking vacations, visiting with friends and family. Now I dread going home after work and dealing with my infirm mother (who lives with us). I dread going home to my husband because he's often burned out or angry at something she did or said. Traveling is a thing of the past since my mother can't be left alone. I miss being able to sleep. I miss having a life, period.

I don't look forward to the future, I don't enjoy memories of the past. I just don't enjoy anything anymore.

The lack of joy I experience in life. I used to be such a fun loving person. I looked forward to going home after work, taking vacations, visiting with friends and family. Now I dread going home after work and dealing with my infirm mother (who lives with us). I dread going home to my husband because he's often burned out or angry at something she did or said. Traveling is a thing of the past since my mother can't be left alone. I miss being able to sleep. I miss having a life, period.

I don't look forward to the future, I don't enjoy memories of the past. I just don't enjoy anything anymore

For me the biggest worry is what is going to happen when it is all over. When my mom dies, whenever that may be. I try not to think about it. I try to stay in the moment and do what I have to do to make sure my mom is safe and has everything she needs, and has an active mind. What happens a years, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years from now when she dies, who knows. She is 84 . It is my job to make sure she lives and is as happy as possible. People on here and other places on the Internet do not understand at all what I am talking about. I see it the way I see it. I do not think the way I see it is wrong.

For me its the lack of support from siblings. I am not my parents only child but it feels that way. No one seems to consider the pressure I am under nor my parents well being.

Dreams died.
Stupidly I postponed most trips, and goals for when I retired. But even before I retired the dreams and plans started to fade as his parents, my parents, and now he needs care.

I set small goals daily to make me feel that I accoomplish something. Thank goodness for the internet because with it I go to different countries, enjoy conversations, listen to lectures and learn. Locally, for the summer at least, there are free concerts in the park almost every evening in my or nearby surrounding communities.

I lost almost all hope except for a tiny bit. I still hope to live long enough to see the Northern lights in person one day or simply a night sky so crammed packed with stars that it seems like there are more stars than sky. Is that possible?

I use to be a regular person, tall and thin. I've been turned into Ma Kettle.

Oh....the dread....my husband with frontal temporal dementia, cycles through episodic periods of falling. I'm pretty sure the next cycle has begun. He refuses to use a walker when this starts. Of course I don't/can't pick him up when he does fall. I call the very nice EMTs, who come over to get him back on his feet, I wheel the walker over and he then rolls down to his bedroom. The EMTs leave and my husband says "it's no big deal" and goes to sleep. Of course there are stairs in this house-16 steps up/down in this old Victorian. I told him last night not to go down the stairs if he wanted a snack. So far, he hasn't-but there may be the day, a foggy, hazy dementia addled day or night, when he'll go down the stairs and lordy, I hope not fall. I've been behind him as he has gone down the last couple of steps and he has landed hard on his bum. Sigh....so.....it's the dread....I just know this cycle of falling has started again. I do keep track of this in a calendar and my husband knows it and hates it-which is counter intuitive to the "it's no big deal" response when he falls.
There is no single reason this is happening, not medication, not inner ear, not an UTI. Although, his mother did do the same thing towards the end of her life and this may have a genetic componet to it. On average this lasts between 7-10 days with about 5-8 falls, usually late at night, none very serious-broken bones or fractures or sprains. Yet.
So....the dread is the most vexing part about caregiving right now.

Myself. I look back at the last three years and see a person who wanted the impossible. I wanted to do a perfect job of caring for my father's health and I wanted recognition. I now see that I could only do as much as I could do and that my siblings just expected me to do so. And never thanked me.

Yes, it's sad. Mom is never wrong, Everything I do is wrong.
I know she has Alz, but I just feel abused. Wish I had another sibling to take some of the burden off me.

What bothered me the most was being constantly berated and attacked by my mother that I was caring for throughout the day (and some nights). She'd incessantly request for something, then call me an idiot and similar once I gave her what she requested for doing it. If someone called, she'd find things to complain about me to them.

She'd threaten that she won't give me money, with this angry tone like "got you now!" when I never expected it, asked for it or took a dime from her during the caregiving. I learned not to ask how she was feeling because she'd get angry at me for asking that. I don't know why.

She insisted on running her life but was incapable to correctly take down basic instructions about when her next doctor's appointment was or when and what medication to take. When I tracked that for her and reminded her, that resulted in dozens of arguments from her about the accuracy of the information or that she did not want it.

Caregiving is such a thankless job. Instead of gratitude, I mostly got "educated" and demanded from more from other family members who did not live in the same city as her.

That one of my siblings expects my mom to change her whole life around because my dad has dementia. My mom is sick physically while he’s sick mentally but she has to give everything up. That the same sibling doesn’t believe in redirecting my dad when he’s being destructive or messing with my moms O2 machine. Just lefts him do whatever That being a caregiver of elderly parents is so overlooked (in my case I feel) because I was addict my parents put me through rehab, took me and my son in when I got divorced and cleaned my life up. I’ve been clean for 9yrs but my siblings make it seem that my parents did all that for me now I have to be there for my parents (which I wouldn’t trade 90% of the time but once and awhile I would love to be a “normal” person.) and that my past is still held over my head.

At night what bothers me most is that I cannot just go to bed when I'm tired. Ever.

The sadness and strangeness of dementia and how I still respond sometimes instead of keeping my mouth shut. Like, “Why did you do that?” when I know she has no idea or “where did you put your teeth or your bra or whatever?” when she doesn’t have a clue.

I've started taking back my power, deciding what I can/can't do for my elderly parents. This stance/behaviour has manifested in all my relationships now. It's like a miracle. I say yes when I can do it, no when I can't. What others (parents/siblings) say about me behind my back is "none of my business." In my opinion, I'm doing my part authentically now and even though I am pretty sure my 'no' isn't received well, so be it, in my head I say " I'm doing my best." I believe the times I do give now has a possible healing energy as I am full of love/joy/laughter when I am with them now, not resentment/obligation. It's working very well indeed!

I resent that my life is not my own anymore and that I’m sacrificing the last good years of my life for people who expect I have to do this and are unappreciative about the sacrifice I and my siblings are making for them.