Marialake Asked April 2014
What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving?
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However, back to what bothers me...husband lost job during Pandemic, couldn't find another...61 at the time....now 66. So! We are 'pinching pennies' to the extreme. I will get a nice inheritance, but who knows when that will happen. We have spent 5 years 'locked' in our home basically. My grown children with grandchildren are acting resentful of my time....have lightly offered to help, but never have (I understand how it is with families and working, but...)
The hardest is dealing with a husband that is increasingly getting unhappy with the situation. He wants to be able to go out to dinner occasionally or maybe just a drive together - ALONE...
I feel pulled and torn from all directions! If I put my father in a facility, they will use all the inheritance before Medicare kicks in..... then I'm really up the creek. My father has just enough mental cognition that hardly anyone talking to him for a short time can tell he has dementia. He will probably disown me and also as bad, feel hurt beyond belief.
There are times I wish I could completely disappear.
"...5 years 'locked' in..."
How did you figure 5 years? Here in the US, the COVID pandemic didn't start until March 2020 when big government told the people to stay home for 2 weeks to flatten the curve. Well, 2 weeks turned to 2 years and counting.
So, where did you get the 5 years from?
My friend has an autistic middle aged son. She's handicapped. If she drops something he just watches her struggle to pick the item up. My man has become like that too with Alzheimers disease. No sense of compassion, except for animals, come to think of it.
It's a major disappointment and huge loss to have a manly gentleman transform into a child.
*If I make my power pudding, will post the recipe, all from scratch, obscenely rich and really, really goood! : )
Sometimes the bed and my mom were so soiled there was no clean spot to move her to so I could clean her up. I had to just throw some of the sheets away. I wasn’t going to try and save it. The floor to as you mentioned. And all for the person who told me to NEVER ASK HER FOR ANYTHING.
My mom died in October on my birthday. I’m sort of over the trauma of the messes I had to clean up but there was so much more to her care. It was a very complicated situation and I don’t know if I’ll recover from that in the light of how she was not willing to do anything for me. Not that I even would have asked.
My vent moment.
1. You’re very likely going to get poor.
2. You’re very likely a woman.
3. You were very likely (even before caregiving) poorer than your financially well-off siblings. There are exceptions: but basically if all your life you’re kind, sweet, caring, you’re likely also not rich; whereas people who are un-caring, ruthless, amoral, don’t mind kicking others on the way to the top.
4. It seems the kinder you are in life, the poorer you’ll be. Indeed, women tend to be exploited: financially, and with their time (let’s dump all the caregiving on YOU).
From one woman to all other women here:
Please don’t get exploited.
“they are not realizing by only coming when something happens & then showing up every day for the month or 2 afterwards”
By the way, they totally realize what they’re doing. But they don’t want to look too bad. They could also choose not to visit at all when she’s in hospital: but then they would look really bad. And maybe they’re hoping for inheritance? Trying to make sure she doesn’t cut them out of the will?
Of course they realize it would be better for you, and for her, if they visited regularly at home.
Why don’t they do it?
Because they want to do the minimum.
And if they visit at home (and if you take a break), then THEY must do the work!
If they visit in hospital, they don’t need to do any work: the nurses/doctors are working.
Your absent family members are SELFISH and exploiting you.
Doctor appts, dentist, blood work, chores around the house, grocery, clothes, etc
I feel burned out a lot, I think I may be depressed.
My mother is also a know-it-all who sounds exactly like yours.
Finally, I reached the end of my rope after a lifetime of her dysfunctional and abusive behavior. So now, she can figure things out herself.
Do as little as is safely possible in your situation and go completely 'Grey Rock'. This means engage her on only the most basic level. Ask only yes/no questions. Do not have conversations with her. Do not watch movies with her. Do not do anything with her.
When she gets lonely and starts asking questions tell her.
You feel burned out because you are burned out.
I know that living with my mother and caregiving has almost killed me. Did you know that something like 50% or so of caregivers die before the person they're caring for?
Enough is enough.
You definitely have depression. Meds are not the answer for it because that doesn't fix the problem.
Please forgive me, but you live with an a**hole who you are a slave to and it will ruin your life.
I been there and am currently still there, but I'm leaving. You should too for your own sake. No amount of potential inheritance is worth it. No amount of guilt or obligation is enough to justify enduring what so many caregivers live with every day.
Walk away. You will not be wrong to so.
People should think of caregiving for an elderly parent like they are part of a couple. A type of marriage if you will.
When a couple is so miserable together that they've grow to hate and resentment, they divorce. Sometimes they divorce so it doesn't get to the point where there is hate. I divorced my first husband before it grew into hate. Society accepts this. Their kids (if they have them) in time come to accept it as well because it's what is best for everyone.
Adult children who are caregivers to an elderly parent should think of it this way.
Why, why, why do I have such a manipulative, difficult, cruel family member in my life? Someone I can’t easily cut ties with, of course, otherwise life would be too easy…Why (I’m screaming this in my mind, with some tears) is my fate like this?
Maybe evil people are attracted to good people…they need good people to use as their targets…I bet if I were evil, a lot of bad people would stay away from me…So is that the price of being a good, kind person? That you’ll always be the target of some evil family or non-family member?
Horrible how some people treat others.
Granted mom was never a bright bulb, with a high school education and no career other than worshipping "dad," now passed on 4 years ago.
She should have cultivated friends, outside interests, hobbies, a career, additional education, something, anything to exercise her brain! But she didn't: she let "dad" do all her thinking for her, and now since "dad" is gone, I and my brother are her entertainment.
I would walk in with his medicine dispenser and ask if he’d taken his morning medicine, he’d say yes. It was still in the dispenser. He would argue till the cows come home that he took it! I’d say ok, time to take some more, then he’d argue THAT, saying no he only takes medicine 4 times a day.
Back in the afternoon - repeat the argument. Happened 3-4 days a week.
It takes a certain kind of mentality to give care and that mentality has to know how to keep it all together because it can be stressful. I always had to say” treat them the way you would want to be treated “ but, there were some times I just couldn’t include a smile… lol
You have to step out of the storm and redirect your emotions then jump back in and navigate but always with love and respect!!!
If you have to get someone to sort your pills for you, that’s going to be likely to continue even after the immediate intervention is over. And pill sorting is just the start. There’s the driving. The toileting. The fall risks and more operations and the AND AND AND. With minimal consideration to the child or their needs other than to say they are “grateful.” It’s just another shame and deflection tactic on their part.
My in laws were treated aggressively for cancer and stroke respectively. Now neither of them can walk. While it is their right to keep demanding ever more exotic and or risky procedures, it is also their responsibility to take responsibility for their decisions, both in the short and in the long term.
If they wanna go out of state for the newest thing they can’t get here, then fine, but we can’t be part of it. We can’t just give up our jobs and obligations and lie that it absolutely is no problem.
"She's doing remarkably well."
"She's sharp as a tack!"
"She's really the same old 'Mary'!"
Um, try getting her to take her meds properly. Try looking at duplicates, triplicates and quadruplicates of full meds bottles, have the horrifying realization that she's not taking ANY of her meds properly, and hasn't been for G-d knows how long, and then when you question her, she blames the drug store for sending all these pills she doesn't need.
Try telling her not to unlock and open her door in the middle of the night after she insists it's an old boyfriend or family member knocking at her door. Try getting the emergency phone call from her security system company that a burglar alarm has been set off, or worse yet, a medical alarm has been set off and EMS has been dispatched.
Try getting the hysterical phone call from several states away that her dog has gotten loose and is running down the street and she can't get him because she can barely get around even with her walker.
Try hearing from the friend that takes her to the doctor that she filled out the questionnaire before the appointment and says she hasn't been falling (lie), can pay her own bills (lie), can bathe herself (lie).
Sorry, that was a bit of a rant, wasn't it. I feel better!
center of attention and would complain about blood on the floor and expect you to clean it up.
Caregiving should not be done for people who do not appreciate it. I am not overly religious, I remain stubbornly agnostic, so I do not believe there is reward for it in afterlife. But, I do believe I can improve my husband’s quality of life as he declines. However, if there is not appreciation, balance, and needs of both are met, then the resentment will leave them with bitterness or destroy them in some ways.
sweet, kind daughters totally undeservedly abused/tortured by their mothers. (i know some sons are abused, too; and some fathers are abusive).
but this message goes out to all of you/us - daughters - abused by mothers.
here’s a useful paragraph:
“Mothers can sometimes be jealous of their child—especially their daughters—and may do things to minimize, discourage, or even undermine and/or discredit the child in the eyes of others.”
——
i wish you/us, not only to survive, but with strength of character and self-determination, thrive in spite of your mother's misdeeds.
bundle of joy :)
if by chance you happen to stumble upon some magic potion that transforms a nasty person into a nice person, pleeeeease send to:
bundle of joy
(the mailman/mailwoman will find me)
i’m patiently awaiting the package 🎁🪄💫
Sometimes when I can't sleep, will do a mindful exercise and think about what a totally boring, nothing to do, quiet couple of days would be like. Works every time : )
Stay strong and do not forget to take care of yourself, first!