What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving?

For me one of the things that bother me about caregiving is the lack of support from siblings. Mum and I both would benefit from the support, two of them live only half and hour away and they cant even pick up the phone to call her. Ive been trying to get them to be more active in her life and its very draining on me. I even had to make contact with one of them through my brothers partner on facebook to pass on updates if urgent because he wont answer the phone. I recently told his partner that i wont be doing it anymore because if he wants to know how mum is he can call her. The other brother messages me on fb to see how we are, but I tell him to call her and he doesnt. She longs for their contact, i dont think they should get off scott free by just a quick message to me. you can be sure theyll be present when she dies, thats the sad part.

Another day, another thing that bothers me the most. Another difficult day in the caregiver world. I hope everyone else is having a good day. Again, I have no words to describe this day. Just stressful. Good luck to us all!

Finally, I do have some words to describe the day. I looked at my thesaurus. There is %·!=)$&!...and %)!(/!...and bad. They all seem to mean the same thing.

It seems every day, something else bothers me the most. Today I’m having such a @@$(-/“”/-! day, that I prefer not to mention the details.

I just want to wish us luck! All of us! Chin up. We are heroes. Hercules was strong - but did he ever care for his aging parents? All these men with BIG achievements - did they ever? What about women with BIG achievements - did they?

The one thing that bothers me the most? The fact that I'm the only one who has to deal with everything. My brother doesn't help much at all unless I ask...and then it's a struggle because he and dad don't get along. Dad's sisters who live nearby don't help or even call much because they are mad at him or visa-versa. My husband helps when he can...but I always feel like it's an inconvenience when I ask...so I don't ask for help unless it's absolutely necessary. Just feeling overwhelmed...

What bothers me the most about caregiving are cleaning up after animals and no time to care for me.

We live in the country, so the floor is hard to keep clean...so sweeping and mopping is an everyday MUST. But I end up mopping and picking dog poop all day long. I hate it when I go to do something and step in pet pee or poop.

We have pet pads, but it doesn't matter.
They just go where they want.

I dislike changing and washing all of mom's bedding frequently because the dogs had an "accident". (Fortunately, I have a waterproof mattress protector for her new mattress, otherwise it would be ruined already.) I also keep 2 thick mattress pads on her bed at all times.
I change the bedding once a week no matter what anyway, but getting up at 2:30 in the am to strip and make a bed because of animals, does get pretty hard.

So, I spend all the next day washing her oversized comforters, mattress pads, sheets, pillows, etc. -- If I get behind because I have to take her to the Dr., It takes days to get caught up.

I know her dogs mean a lot to her but
I just found a good paying work from home job. Training starts next month. There is set schedule though, which will be very hard to follow, while caring for mom... But I need to work...the cost of living has increased so much its necessary. -- I just won't have time to clean up after them anymore.

So, that's my struggle...probably seems pretty lame to some, but I cant break mom's heart by making the dogs "go away".

I feel for you PeggySue.

Same here, convincing my mother. And I get abused while I help her. Charming to everyone else. I want to take a break from helping, but there are many details to get settled now. This way I can focus on me. What bothers me the most about caregiving? That, as I wrote, I'm doing an awful job taking care of myself. I'm doing a great job taking care of my mother. (My mother raised me as a single mom; Dad is out of the picture). I hope I get back on track soon. My sympathies to anyone else going through this: your own life going downhill. We must get back on track.

Its when the answer is very obvious but they won’t do it until they suffer worse and worse consequences.

What bothers me the most? I’m not taking good care of my life. I was doing well. Since 1 month, I gained a lot of weight. Stress eating. There were so many problems to deal with, to help out with.

I’m really not doing well. I must take a step towards self-care. I notice many people on the forum write, “Save yourself”. I must, must, must do that.

Peace and love.

Family members who refuse to help based on their "busy" work schedules, and yet give peanut gallery comments about how to provide care. My SIL is a pediatric nurse, and not once has offered to shadow/supervise me when I'm doing medical procedures at home. I learned wound care from my dad's podiatrist in order to provide wound dressing changes that aren't covered by Medicare. He actually stated that I saved my dad's entire lower leg (and possibly his life) because I was able to replicate and work with him as a team. I also had to learn from the in-home nurse (and YouTube) on how to administer IV meds for my dad's antibiotics at home. The fact that the trained professional let an amateur do work she could've helped with is appalling.

dear venting,
:)

one thing that helps me is, to think they’ve lived/live a long, full, great life.

it’s our turn now. we mustn’t drown.

bundle of joy :)

Worrying (mainly about falls). The aides do all they can. But falls happen. I worry. I try not to.

Someone on the forum said, “Old is old. You can’t fix old.”

Right.

I go through a lot of emotions, for different reasons:

Anger, empathy, worry. None of these are positive emotions.

What bothers me the most right now is worry.

Verystressedout, I’m trying to follow your suggestion. You quoted:

Daughterof1930:
"Give yourself a break. Decide to accept what can’t be different or better and know that you’ve done your best for your mom. None of us have any control, it’s an illusion we give ourselves that we actually control things. Yes, mom will fall and she will decline, it’s the normal course of life. Be kind to yourself, make time for activities you enjoy and that bring you peace. I wish you well."

Having had let some people into my head, be it the patient or one of their family members.

Life has left some people quite damaged.

Having to be relied upon constantly and the enormous amount of responsibility that goes with caregiving. It wears a person down emotionally and physically. The expectations are overwhelming. Never again will I put myself though it or allow my children to be bogged down with caregiving to me.

My situation is very similar; my husband has dementia and has no empathy. He’s total focused on himself. I recently fell down stairs injuring myself and asked him to help me; he actually stepped over me to go to the other side of the room. I understand this is part of the disease but there are times it is difficult to deal with.

Venting:

I recommend doing like me:
buy various sizes of pillows to scream into, for small, medium, XL screams.

(Kidding).

Daughterof1930 gave me very good advice:
"Give yourself a break. Decide to accept what can’t be different or better and know that you’ve done your best for your mom. None of us have any control, it’s an illusion we give ourselves that we actually control things. Yes, mom will fall and she will decline, it’s the normal course of life. Be kind to yourself, make time for activities you enjoy and that bring you peace. I wish you well."

That's what I'm doing. And it's already helping:
"Give yourself a break."

Not everyone is in a position to do this, but I decided to do it:
turn off my phone for a while.

Absolutely no stress, no problems allowed, for a while.

dear venting!

i sometimes have that problem, too. my plans get totally derailed, because of helping my LOs (i want to help). but i must be careful, too.

and your mother is abusive. so she adds additional, unnecessary stress on you.

"Be wise enough to walk away from the nonsense around you."
"Not my circus. not my monkeys."

bundle of joy :)

The fact that you risk forgetting about yourself.

You get depressed. Your mind focuses less and less on the wonderful plans you have for your life.

I have a notebook where I write short-term and long-term goals. But when I get depressed (I'm not talking extreme depression; just sad, depressed), I forget I have that notebook.

I get so focused on my mother. Problems. Solutions.

I must not forget myself.

Warm wishes from me to everyone, with their struggles!

The fact that I'm the only child and have been doing it for almost 20 years. I'm doing my best. I've noticed how my LO talks to others kindly and is so demanding and mean towards me. I try to not take it personal by it's hard. Everyone says live your life. I'm like I want to but how...

That I am watching the slow to fast rapidly declining of my adoptive mother who is 90 now. She is in and out of the hospital, having difficulty walking, gathering and storing memories, making sense out of everything. She is merely a depressed shell of her former self. She was 60 when I came to live with her, still very active, had 2 jobs, always found time to shop, go out with friends and family and exercise at the gym every day,etc ... living life happily and to the fullest. Now the only time that she goes out is primarily to the doctor's. She doesn't go out with family or friends anymore. She doesn't like talking on the phone much anymore, etc.. She's tired, depressed, worried, confused, and wary. I think that she may eventually have Alzheimer's or dementia. She's forgetful and confused alot. Two days ago, she asked me if her bedroom window was capable of opening.
I am in my 40s, I am disabled physically and also have heart disease. I live with her and I take care of her 24/7 the best way that I can. It is super exhausting and very strenuous on me. I am unemployed permanently due to disability, I have no friends(never had any) no social life, had a boyfriend who was emotionally abusive, controlling, and genuinely upset that I took care of my mom, so he dumped me in October. Even though he was terrible to me, I am still depressed over the breakup. He made me believe that he was genuinely interested in me and liked me, but it was all a lie. He would put me down alot, telling me that I look old, that I need moisturizer,that I would be beautiful if I had a makeover, that heads would turn it I fixed myself up, I don't wear a bra, he told me I should, he told me that basically he was settling for me because of his own insecurities and self esteem issues. He told me that he's not confident and an alpha male to be able to go after women he desired. He told me that he loved me and later said that he didn't mean it. I really was into him. The breakup, the fact that I lost a close dear love one due to their passing back in August, the fact that my adoptive mom has always been emotionally abusive to only me all the time I've been living with her but now it has escalated with age, loneliness, my own health declining, being without financial resources for myself, stressing and worrying about what will happen to me if she passes before me, being completely abandoned by my ex boyfriend (he hasn't contacted me since the breakup back in October), feeling angry and depressed at my mother everytime she lashes out at me and trying to stick up for myself leaves me feeling guilty and sad. I want to voice my opinions and express myself (which I don't) to my mother without being ridiculed or feeling guilty about saying anything because of what she's going through, confuses me and further depresses me. Also the fact that she and her son's(who only take her to the doctor and thats about it) were going to kick me easily out like garbage because of my poor health problems, my doctor said that I couldn't be vaccinated. Her son's said some pretty foul things to me about how if their mother ever landed in the hospital or died (despite all of the billion things that can and does kill anyone on a daily basis) that it would be my fault. That her death would be on me. My adoptive mother who always coddles them and makes excuses for them often, saw no fault in them saying this. Ultimately they only allowed me to stay because tbh her son's don't want to have to deal with her and would put her in a home if I wasn't here. None of them have ever loved me or cared to get to know me in the 29 years I've been here. They don't even know my last name or amount of siblings I have. No one has ever taken an interest, and never really had a conversation with me other than transactional ones. I'm burnt out, lonely, without anyone to ever talk to, and very depressed.

boj, I believe we are all put on this earth to do certain number of things. When we are done we die.

So, what you are saying is, at this rate you will never die. :-)

what bothers me the most?

i haven’t found a good balance yet:

helping my LOs vs. helping myself

in my case, it all depends on: where in this unfortunate rollercoaster are we right now?

emergency/calm/peace/emergency/calm, etc.

during calm:
i’m recuperating from past emergency.

during emergency:
well, we all know how that works. worry, stress.

i’m about 8,976,522,467 years behind schedule with my life (give or take a minute).

i’ll figure this out.
i will find the right way, right balance.

my LOs want this for me, too.

huge good luck from me, to us all! :)

bundle of joy :)

The thing that bothers me most is that I will never be able to balance everything. I have my own kids (15, 17), a full-time job, and a life to live.

My mother is in an SNF, which means I don't have to do that hands-on caring (thankfully!), but have to do everything else, decision making, health, financial care, etc. I try to visit as regularly as possible but means that every weekend is spent at her place. She has been there for over two years and I anticipate she will be there for years more. She is 89 and is physically unable to do anything.

I am just looking forward to a weekend where I don't have to spend the day traveling up to see her so I can relax and spend time with my own kids. I hope and pray I am never in this situation.

I am 54 and the sole caregiver for my Mom who will be 95 in May who has late stage Alz and Vascular Dementia and she has lived with me and my hubby for a year now. At 1st I was very angry and cried a lot because the thought that I am the baby of 5 and no one else cares at all about what happens to there mother and does not care to help me in any way so the burden is all on me and it is not fair! I do this 24/7 with no time for myself but I try to get out alone when I can to clear my mind and have some "Me" time. I am a heart patient and disabled myself and its taking its toll on me mentally but I do it because I love her but I can not do it for another 2yrs or 5yrs etc and I would not wish this on any child or anyone to have to do alone.

Making sure their life goes on and they're cared for and have every need seen to while my desire to continue living goes down exponentially. I rarely have the desire to continue now let alone live to be their age. There is NO way on this planet that will ever be me. I will NOT have my a$$ wiped by someone else. I will NOT have myself served every single thing. I will NOT be 100% dependent on people to continue my life, especially if it's family. After all of this, I couldn't do this to another human being.

Yes, I'm tired and exhausted and that colors a lot of my response. But to be doing this is to accept a life of servitude based completely on the ever-declining needs of someone else. And this is not a child. I never want to hear "well they did it for you" again. It's nonsensical.


So, right now, their old age is taking me down too. I guess the upside is, I'll never have to deal with it myself for myself. Oh, silver lining!!

This is a perfect question to get it off your chest. LOL

Ive been caring for my FIL with Alzheimers for 3 years and ill say his face bothers me the most, he has this FU face most days and I'm i very happy person so i just don't look at it. If its a good face and it does change ill respond happily. And second on my list is that damn chair with a 360 turn radius that watches every move i make. Im gonna put a spoke in it. 😆

I don't have a life anymore. I'm a millennial and I've spent most of my adult life taking care of my mom. It's done damage regarding my career and marital prospects.

I hope the damage isn't permanent and someone will hire me and some woman will let me be her husband when the caregiving eventually ends.

#2 toileting. Recently found plastic bag liners for the porta-potty. Wow what a game changer! No more buckets, washing/rinsing the pot. They also work with a bedpan. Got them on Amazon.

i think what bothers me is that they aren't cooperative with me. They hire a caregiver and then treat you more as a servant. Only allowing you to help with certain things. Getting upset when I'm just trying to do my job. Plus you can clearly tell that something's they just can't do on their own anymore but they'll still insist they don't need help making everything more dangerous.

Lack of freedom!!!! It has been an ongoing issue for close to 4 years.

I have do it all!...caring for Mom (a healthy 95 year old, no health issues other than hearing).

I absolutely do everything I can possibly do for my Mom, but it is never enough.

On the very rare occasion that I take a sliver of time to myself, oh so rare! All hell breaks out. Crying...."you hate me", "you don't love me". This is the response I get when I leave for maybe 2 hours. Something I have done twice in 2 years!

I have tried the boundary conversations, trying to understand where she is coming from. It goes no where. Having anyone visit me is a nightmare, including having my daughters and grandsons. She becomes reclusive, not speaking and exhibits that long frowning face.

I used to be an open minded independent woman, experiencing and coping with the ups and downs of life. But this episode of life has been the most challenging.

Losing myself now. Anxiety attacks, stress and so much sadness. Not norm for me.....

Because I am the one with the professional training and the one who volunteered to take care of her full time, I don't get any time to myself. Unless you count going to the grocery store or to my own mother's (to help her) An hour or two here or there is just not enough. Yes, the family pays me well to do this 24/7 but even full time employees get a day off each week. When we discussed this, everyone said they would help. Now that they know the extent of her needs, they are put off by the thought of her incontinence and resulting issues.