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This is not a feed back for anyone, just my own opinion. I also have a mom in assisted living. Ran into a woman I've known and were talking about our parents, and she mentioned that the elderly feel so entitled and I kinda came back with " and all of us don't?" I strongly feel that they do in a bigger way than what we all feel, of course it's hard (danm hard to be the caregiver) but also remember that my mom taught me everything I know, sacrificed a h*ll of a lot for all us kids so we could have better lives and was always there no matter what the hell I did( which was alot and never gave up on any of us. The system has failed all of our seniors, but I will always try to be there for my mom to the best of my ability, you see because she was always there for me...and for that she is entitled
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Reply to Summer55
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Yes! Countrymouse. Amongst the myriad of things that most of us deal with, one that stands out is guilt (i.e. I am not really very good at this). Many of us were unexpectedly thrown into this responsibility and it has become ours whether we like it or not---or whether we are good at it or not. It is extremely challenging on many levels and I have to re-adjust every day.
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Reply to daughter52
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Agree, AandA. It is an intelligent question to ask, inviting people to share and therefore halve their troubles. And the only incorrect, because almost certainly untruthful, answer would be "nothing bothers me about caregiving. It is a breeze, a joy and a privilege."

My trouble was I didn't know which bugbear to pick! But I think I've boiled it down: the one thing that bothers me most about caregiving is the constant feeling that I'm really not very good at it. My poor mother :(
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Billyboy79 this is a forum for caregivers to vent/ask questions etc.

Marialake is well aware of the Alzheimer's Association and support groups. As are the rest of us. I don't know about you but I need to find humor in all this dementia sadness, it's helps me get thru the 24/7.

This question was just posted as a way for us to give off steam!
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Reply to assandache7
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I am the 79 year old caregiver and I need my family to get better informed so they can better know how to help me.
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Reply to Billyboy79
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There is so much to learn about dementia. In Alzheimer's Disease, as the disease progresses the demented don't know anyone in the family, lose impulse control--a brain that is out of whack. Please get in a support group.
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Reply to Billyboy79
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Lost years; everything else is a distant second.
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Reply to LloydBraun
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Thanks Boni...I have got to do that and SOON...exactly as you said...my legs and arms feel like cement. too tired to lift my arms to wash or even comb my hair...I feel like if I had a little chair on wheels I could just roll around forever in it....I have never gotten on a scooter in my life at the big box stores and yet I see those suckers parked there and actually think how might it feel to just hop on and go....I have been diagnosed with severe depression, but back after I lost my health insurance and my meds finally ran out, I never was able to get them refilled...the only combo that ever helped me...I have got to make some changes or can see me falling into that 30%...ridiculous part is I had vowed I was going to start taking care of myself not two weeks ago....now feel myself just sinking....and seemingly unable to get out of the mire...must get meds...thanks
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Reply to hope22
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Hope, what you are describing is not "tired", it's Fatigue. It comes from a variety of reasons, both physically (thyroid issues,etc) and mentally (depression and stress).
I understand when you say you feel "abnormal". I describe it as my arms and legs are made of cement. It's too hard to even hold your arms up to wash your hair. It comes and goes with me. Mine is a combination of a thyroid problem and depression. It might me easily fixed with a pill.Try to get yourself to a Dr. to find the reason and TREAT it. Good luck!
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Reply to BoniChak
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I am sitting here as we speak just completely exhausted. I have so much I could be doing, of course it is the same old same old, but I am so tired all I feel like doing is getting my blanket and taking a nap. And it is exhaustion to the point of feeling abnormal This is so not me to be this way. I always kept an immaculate home, nicely decorated, always a fun project going on, all I am now is tired and catatonic....we have a huge yard here and so that in and of itself it an enormous amount of work. I can look at poison ivy and catch it and have already had it once this year. I get eaten alive by all the no seeums out this time of year...but still I need to get out there and get to it...but I think I heard thunder and praying for an excuse to not have to do it...but Lord knows plenty to do indoors...too tired to do that either...I feel like I need someone to help me lift my limbs I am so tired...and now is time for changing and bathing Mom again....I feel so abnormal
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Reply to hope22
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To all....I feel ALL your pain, anger and frustrations. I really HATE being my Mother's caregiver. It's like having a 205#, two year old. I can't vent to my daughter because she says it was my choice to take Mom out of the nursing home. Sometimes I am really nasty to Mom, but she is just as bad. She has ALWAYS been a miserable, mean spirited, nasty, abusive person towards me. I really HATED her for years and years, but for some strange reason, GOD told me I had to take care of her (not fair). I live in NC and have a friend in GA who sympathizes because she went through it with her dad. We have to get angry sometimes, we are entitled and we have to let it out. The stress will kill us. Much love to you all and may God bless and keep us all well and sane.
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Reply to MOM1926
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I know I complain more than I ever have in my life. And at least you apologize daughter52....I don't...it is almost like I dare people to think I should....especially when they come here and expect me to wait on them on top of everything else i have going on....I used to NEVER use ugly words...now they flow freely like a lilting rain on a spring afternoon...and it feels GOOD...kind of like letting the steam valve off on a pressure cooker....

One of my "friends" told me not too long ago (via message on FB, as they don't ever come to visit) but they told me that "I had changed".....heck yes I have changed...and probably will never be the same again...and I have to say I don't dislike the change because I have been too dang nice my entire life and I finally found my voice.....
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Reply to hope22
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Ive become a total complainer and email ranter. My siblings have never known me to complain to them about anything. But in the past year that is all I do..complain.Im normally happy go lucky with family. Ive always vented to my friends. However now I cannot identify with my friends because they all have a life. Their parents are in their 60s, so they figure its like dealing with their own parents. They dont understand the anger I feel when I wake to hear the TV blasting from upstairs....or when Im trying to rush one of the kids into the bathroom to get ready and Dad decides to go into the bathroom or he gets upset if one of the kids is waiting for him to come out. They dont understand how much I hate hearing his footsteps coming down the stairs....because I know hes either snooping around or wanting me to serve him something. I hate for the phone to ring because he thinks every caller is out to get him, but he readily gives out his debit card info.

I miss being able to visit for a couple of hours then leave. Im ashamed to admit that I dont get to enjoy the fact that he cannot drive far on his own, and would not have been able to bother me if I were still in my own place.
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Reply to toomuch4me
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A similar thing happened to me hope22 about a year ago. I snapped at someone close to me and it ended we didn't speak for a year. I finally apologized to have peace (even though I didn't really think I was the one who should have).
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Reply to daughter52
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One day not too long ago, I "snapped" ...not even AT Mama, just one of the cats did something that sent me over the edge and I let out an ugly word. My cousin aka sitter aka someone who sits but does nothing BUT sit, got all over me and just blessed me out for losing my temper. Then I really lost it and told her she didn't have a d*mn clue how I was feeling... (How could she...even when she is here, I have to wait on her and Mama both) I told her by all means come and do it for a few days and then get back to me on how short your nerves are....I like the term "outsiders"...that 's exactly what they are....and they will never "get it"
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Reply to hope22
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I get this JessieBelle. I got observed and criticized for one of those moments that had just 'gotten to me'. It's hard to be level and kind at every moment. That's what many on the outside of these situations don't understand.
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Reply to daughter52
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This is bad for me, too, dragonfly. Last evening I actually yelled in front of her. My mother was wanting some laxatives, but I had given her some the day before that had worked. She didn't remember and kept after me for them. I finally yelled for her to please stop arguing with me.

I felt bad and I apologized to her for yelling. Sometimes we get put in a disheartening situation. It's like being poked with a stick repeatedly with instructions that say we're not supposed to react. But we are only human. At least I am. I haven't been able to find that superhuman caregiver cape yet.
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Reply to JessieBelle
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Feel the same way so often dragonfly.....
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Reply to hope22
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Most of you have stated things that bother me, but the one thing that bothers me the MOST is that no matter how much I tell myself that it's not my mother's fault, I get angry with her! Then I get angry at myself! Crazy, huh?
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Reply to dragonfly67
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I feel tied down and suffocated.
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Reply to lindek
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I couldn't wait for my only child to grow up and move out...she did that in 1988 and I was ecstatic. I've been responsible for just me and I love it...NOW, I have responsibility for my Mother and I am truly resenting it. She hated me all my life and the feeling was mutual. She was very abusive to me all my life and now I'm stuck with her care. God knows I am not a happy camper about this. I will try to care for her until I can no longer. I have had her for 4 weeks and have had a headache for three of the four...ugh!!!!
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Reply to MOM1926
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I hate that there's such a fine line between "seeing the disease" that is taking/has taken your loved one and still trying to love "the person who's no longer there" (does that make sense?). I agree with Vladius: I hate getting angry with her and I hate that I can't be 1 of those daughters who just LOVES having Mom live with me and who would never think of putting their Mom in a home. I hate that, at the same time I'm realizing what IS and ISN'T dementia, I'm realizing that she's been narcissistic my/her whole life, and neither diagnoses can be treated. I hate that, even tho' I claim to be a Christian, I still can't handle her OR the rest of my family for abandoning her and yet, at the same time, I can't blame them either. It's a horrible paradox.
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Reply to KayBee58
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I had to laugh at your example. It's true people get so used to being waited on, having their needs met first they look pretty spoiled to us who are doing the serving. A lot of times we are our own worst enemies because we give in to every whim and then we wonder why is this happening to me. The lady I care for is treated like a china doll by her daughter in law and she expects me to bow and scrape too. I'm learning to let her do as much as she can for herself, and I feel it helps her feel better about herself.
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Reply to heydeb
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The thing that brings me "comfort" is telling my children. "This is how Im going to act at 88 !!!" I will get all dressed up at 6am and start calling them to call pick me up. Whatever is trendy forty years from now you can bet I will be wearing it and performing the latest dances on the front yard where all of the neighbors can see me. The thought of me driving my own children crazy is something I look forward to...
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Reply to toomuch4me
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The thing that bothers me most is being reminded that I am looking at my own not so distant future day in and out.The more frightening thing is knowing there will be no one there to care for me as I care for my mother.I anticipate I will be warehoused in some not so nice nursing home or facility for the poor and forgotten.
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Reply to Olmaandme
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I miss holidays. There isn't much that's different on a holiday from any other day. No anticipation of special events or planning of fun things to do together. A Thanksgiving meal is prepared but then it's eaten and done, without any special sense of family or camaraderie with others. Having to explain the difference between Easter and Christmas. I miss those things that are special, celebrations.
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Reply to vegaslady
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I Hate seeing the Woman I married , who was and is the Strongest woman I ever met. I hate seeing her unable to be who she used to be. I hate the fact I get angry with her and haven't been able to provide her the retirement she deserved..
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Reply to vladius852
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Wow Scarlet! My SIL is the same way! My Mom has been so good to her through their marriage , as have I. Not long after she and my brother married, his ex MIL would come by their home as she could not accept he was divorced from her daughter.... my SIL used to get so furious over that, and I could understand it. I even sided with her and told my brother he needed to understand what that was so aggravating..well, fast forward....now that I am Mom's caregiver 24/7, she has not been to see us in over two years. She drives right past our subdivision every week on her way to their fancy lake home... She does not work...spends her day getting her hair done and doing whatever with her Mom who also lives with them but who is not incapacitated. she has never offered to stay with Mom one single time, even though all of my belongings are still in my home 2 1/2 hours away. I have got to get it all out as my house is about to be foreclosed on..still she is not offering to sit with Mom and yet NOW she and my brother's ex MIL have become best buddies....and then the ex MIL comes here and thinks she is going to play both sides against the middle. I don't even let her in the house. I understand none of it...to me, they ought to be ashamed but I know they are not....
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Reply to hope22
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Some of your posts have made me think about my siblings and his wife. They live far away and my brother comes about twice a year for about one week and then I am "allowed" to go on a vacation. He was still working part-time although he 68 and his wife is retired. I have often asked him she could possibly come and help me out doing some of the more trying times that I've had with my mother. Is always some excuse about her not being well or not having time. A few months ago I find out that she has gone to Oklahoma to stay with her ex-sister-in-law who was diagnosed with cancer. Her ex sister in law has her brother living near her, who does not work, and has other siblings as well. My S I L stayed there for three months taking care of her ex's sister. This was extremely hurtful to me. Especially since she is always calling and telling me how much she loves me and my mother and how proud she is of me taking care of my mother so well and how I should always take care of myself. Money is not an issue and she could easily come to visit once in a while to give me a spell or a little break. My parents were always very good to her and accepted her very warmly into the family and my brother adopted her child as his own. I guess I just have to chalk this up to another one of those conditions that helped create the feeling of alienation we caregivers have. When the chips are down you know who you can count on, yourself!
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Reply to Scarlet15
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Marialake...I love C.S. Lewis...and that is one of my favorite quotes of his...I'm about to put it on my FB page and update my status... :)
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