I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
All in all, I look at Mom & when she smiles at me, her whole face lights up. It makes it all worth while. I smile at her and start placing kisses all over her face and she giggles......she knows she is not alone. She calls out for my Dad all thru the day and night.....I just tell her he isn't here right now because I can't stand to see the hurt on her face when I tell her he is in Heaven.
It is hard right now for sure and some days are better than others. One day I can cry my eyes out, others I keep busy doing something.....but this woman lying in this hospital bed took care of me for many years. She changed my diapers, she fed me, she always had my back & if anyone ever messed with me, my Mom was on them like a bear saving her cub.
I can do this...........I CAN do this! I dang well WILL do it........I owe her that and a whole heck of a lot more.
I also see that old people -- that will be us -- need to learn to be more flexible. I think the boomers will be more flexible, because their lives have been more mobile. I don't think that moving to a retirement home will bother boomers as much.
I do hope you can take some time for yourself to remember your husband and just enjoy the day with his memories. You do him so much honor taking care of his mother, but I know that is also an extra chain on you. All I can say is that you are wonderful. Your husband married a good one!
Maybe that "something that is not right"...........is that people are living too long?
Dare I even say that?
I must tell you all that my husband was an awesome guy. And even though his parents were not good to him, he was a faithful son and so I will be a faithful DIL.
I love this CS Lewis quote:
"The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal."
Everything inside of me knows that what we go through is not right. Something is totally out of balance in the world.
I went to the cemetery this morning to fix up his grave but I had to rush there -and then hurry back to MIL. I hate that pressure to hurry back all the time.
I felt guilty taking time to grieve at my dear husband's grave.
He should be here...............not her :(
I miss my freedom. I am grateful to be healthy but the clock keeps ticking........... and I can't be sure that my healthy days will not be ticked off by the time my MIL passes.
Sorry, just venting.
This is the twilight zone. ugh
Well, I'm off to the post office and then the grocery store. Everyone else has a holiday weekend. Here it is the same old same old.
It's cold in here
I want a cookie
I gotta poop
That's all she ever says. Yes, I try to engage her but there is no 2 way conversation. I spend every evening right beside her (with the tv) but she just stares at me the whole time.
So why do I feel guilty? Maybe because none of my efforts are making her appear to have any joy or quality of life at all. This morning, I put a blanket in the dryer to tuck around her (she likes that) and my dryer broke. Arrgh.
So, just like hope22 writes...............I feel like nothing is ever ever enough...
Tomorrow I will be adding to that!
And even if I could afford one, when would I go? How could I justify leaving him alone to go out for a ride? What if something happened while I was gone? It's worse than having a baby. Home care is expensive, day care is expensive, he had no long term insurance, how do people do it without losing their mind?
I am getting out tomorrow, though. My daughter is coming to stay with him while I go to the March against Monsanto in Denver. I'll be home in time to take her to work. It will be nice to get out of the house and just talk to people.
Now I don't trust sharing anything with her. That's sad.
It also ticks me off that it seems like caregiving gets into the same debate I heard when my kids were babies. The stay at home moms vs. the working moms. Just substitute the word caregiver for the word mom, and it's the same argument back & forth which solves no problems.