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The more I see that this is the way it is for so many of us the more I feel relieved and realize it's not Mom having it in for me: she is changing and has no idea what's really going on although she still is very functional. Keep venting, it helps illuminate another piece of the puzzle.

Let me add one more thing that bothers me: Not knowing how to react when mother over reacts.
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Reply to juddabuddhaboo
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Amen & amen, Susan. You said it all and you said it well! ((((Hugs))))
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Reply to JessieBelle
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The one thing that bothers me is how irritated I can get with my mother, and how guilty I feel for getting irritated with her.

The irritation stems from her unwillingness to do much of anything for herself. I cook all the meals, do all the housework, all the laundry, all the dishes, all the shopping, take care of the bills and financial matters including getting her life insurance (she's never had any), getting her a medical alert pendant to wear (and paying for it myself), etc. She is perfectly happy to sit in her chair and have me jump and fetch things for her when she wants/needs them - even though she is perfectly capable of getting up and getting it herself. I find myself getting annoyed when she gets up from her nap, because I know the demands will start again.

It's hard to narrow this down to the "one thing" that annoys the most - there are so many - no help from siblings who act as though Mom doesn't exist until Sunday morning when we go to breakfast together - and then they forget about her again; the lack of personal space, privacy or freedom; the fact that I had to give up a home I loved to move in with Mom to take care of her - and the resulting guilt I feel for feeling that way, like I'm being selfish; and the fact that despite my best efforts to keep her mobile and her mind sharp, she is declining slowly but surely right before my eyes. She is becoming more and more forgetful, asking me to repeat things I've said several times, refusing to move around or walk unless I force the issue - and because she's not walking much and is morbidly obese, her muscles and joints are starting to become uncooperative. (sigh)
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Reply to ASusan48
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Not being able to talk about it openly.
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Reply to anne123
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I had an epiphany today...while wishing my mom was like she was 20+ years ago isn't going to change what is going on today, or what has been going on for the last 5 years or so. I just need to suck it up and realize that once she's gone, I'll think back to the times when I should have been nicer, more patient and understanding. But then again, she does make me crazy. So I plan to keep venting here...
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I hate not being able to be my happy self since Mom moved here. The only times I feel alive is when I am not with her.
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Nazdrovia Mar 2021
Yes my happiness and life ended the day my.father came to live with us.
I find myself cringing when I hear his bedroom door opening or coming through the kitchen door. I find myself having to hide in my husband's and my bedroom, which is off limits to him. My only haven of privacy away from him. I can't even go to church on my own any more on Sunday mornings. He insists on me coming with him on Saturday nights and If I don't he bungs on a " dizzy spell" which miraculously disappears when he gets his own way. My life is no longer my own.
I'm snapping at my husband all the time out of sheer irritation of my father's never ending existence. We were so happy before this.
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Awww!!! I only get to pick one!!!
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Reply to assandache7
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looloo my mother (now in a nursing home) a narcissist, was always like that - relax, complain, b***h and whine while everyone else did the work. Recently she said "Oh, when the nice weather comes you'll be able to sit on the deck on a lounger". With an old house that needs work, 2 acres and animals? Yeah, right! I have a lounger - in the shed, where it will remain.
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I have already posted here before. This was what had happened last night. My husband said, I shouldn’t have lived long to be like this.” and cried. Recently, his aphasia is getting worth, and he cannot say what he wants to say, and his body language is so limited. It was such a sad time. I shouted out in my mind, “why don’t his doctors and physical therapist help him?!” I have been suspected that my husband is having a mini-stroke from time to time, and no one did pay attention and tried to understand his real problems. It’s so unfair. If my husband would have a stroke or some other illness, there are abandoned help available, but once diagnosed as AD, everything is ignored as if those who are suffering from AD do not have any right to be a decent human being. And, that is the most bothering for me.
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Reply to appricot
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its not fair. they've lived their life, and i want to live mine! i don't want to be handcuffed to their needs, impossible, confused minds.
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Nazdrovia Mar 2021
My thoughts exactly.
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Hmmm, well, this answer is subject to change as conditions change, but here is my answer today: The expectations of others. The last time she got any actual physical exercise was probably when she gave birth to me 47 years ago, so PLEASE do not suggest yet another way I should TRY TO GET HER OFF HER BUTT. She never cared what she ate, never cared that she was probably 80+ overweight, with high cholesterol and high b.p., so please don't insist that I be MORE concerned with her med. regimen! She's almost 84 for Pete's sake. She's also always been very narcissistic, and contemptuous of others, so her social circle is now reduced to 1 decent, caring neighbor who checks in on her. Please don't imply that I am not involved enough, that I do not care enough, that I do not spend enough time trying to undo her lifetime of bad behavior and poor choices. Just DON'T.
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Ditto on the isolation part....and everything AmyGrace said....and trying to advocate for my MIL with social workers, case managers, nurses, even doctors who don't fully understand her illness (Lewy Body Dementia with Parkinsonism) - VERY frustrating
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Trying to remember what was, and isn't any more. The stress of repeating myself at the top of my lungs (because of deafness and lack of comprehension) over and over and over. Living in the negativity loop, hearing the same complaints, comments and questions verbatim five times a day, day after day, month after month, year after year. Having to hold back frustration and anger, and be patient at the same time trying to keep calm and not letting myself get pulled under. Knowing I can't fix this. Wondering how long it can continue when the mind goes little by little and the body is still healthy.
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Thinking about what VictoriaP said, I often wish my mom was health-enough that we could do things together. We lived far apart for many years. Now that we're together all the time and could literally do anything we wanted, together, she's not able to really do much of it.

Years ago, I'd told her my fantasy: that I'd drive coast-to-coast and that she's come with me. She kind of took to the idea. We never did it. Now, we never will.

Still, her health isn't the worst, either. I'm not really complaining as much as feeling the hard and swift passage of time breezing by me.
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Reply to abc1234567890
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Her LIES! She does absolutely NOTHING all day long. No phone calls,no friends,no sunlight,etc. Just lays on couch or sits in rocker. When I do pop over I get yelled at for not doing anything. What do you want me to do? NOTHING SHE SCREAMS! Ok later I say. Trying to get her to go to alf or get some help because I absolutely cant stand her! She lives alone. I cant stand the sight of her. Ive been helping her the last 10yrs of my life & Im sick & tired of her. Unfortunately for me I live next door to her. Gosh what a big mistake I made. If she would just get up & try to do something for herself instead of waiting for me to show up whenever I do I would be happy. But she wont. Just got her a** laying around all day & night. What a waste. Sorry for venting.
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Reply to deb0452
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Isolation, I used to have work and friends and family and now I have no one.
Feeling like a failure and when the siblings DO come around I wait on them and feel like I'm the hired help. should I bow and scrape or just kneel and wait for instructions?
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Reply to ypiffani
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I agree! Wonder momma you don't sound self serving.. We all would love a vacation..
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Reply to assandache7
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Bothers me the most - getting Mom moving and socializing and doing stuff. Helping her rebuild her life (after death of her spouse then stroke) when she does nothing to contribute to the rebuilding. Now that she has moved out of my house and into assisted living, I find it easier to let this go on a day to day basis, since it isn't right in front of me 24/7. But it still bothers me.
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Reply to cmcwrinkl1
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The one thing that bothers me about caregiving...I wish my mom was healthy, not on medication and not so frail so she wouldn't need me to be a caregiver. I wish that should would never had lung cancer, COPD, taken meds that made her weak. I wish that she could breath just fine without oxygen. I wish she was like she was 20+ years ago when she could do anything she wanted.
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Reply to VictoriaP
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Wondermomma, that doesn't sound self-serving. Everyone deserves their own life. Many caregivers give so much time and effort and ask for so little time. And, in the case of a vacation, it's not even an ongoing respite but just one special occasion, basically -- just one little bit compared to all the caregiving.

So, no, you don't sound self-serving and I had to say this twice just to shove it into your head. :-)
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Dexieboy Dec 2018
Amen to what abc1234567890 said!
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It wil get worse, not better....and I deny help for my own self....hard to handle..
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Jackie1946 Aug 27, 2024
Sometimes I feel like I try too hard to take care of me. Hubby has dementia and weak legs, makes him a fall risk. But I'm so afraid of loosing ME. Feels selfish sometimes.
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I definately agree with the 'No end in sight' post. The thing that bothers me most is siblings who won't help, but want to critique your caregiving skills, and saying "I told you so" when you vent your frustrations about what mom and dad are doing and how much work it is. And when they say, "you should have left them in the Nursing Home". Also, pretty much no respite care, and knowing I can't go on vacation this year. I'm sorry if that sounded self-serving.
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Dexieboy Dec 2018
No, you do NOT sound self-serving, Dear, just the opposite. We all need to vent and we all need moments to be able to exhale.
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The quote : "A sucker is born everyday" comes to mind! And I'm the "sucker". Since 5 of my 6 siblings don't give a crap to call or visit Mom and I'm here taking care of their Mother too..
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Dealing with Mom's memory loss is the hardest thing for me. One big thing is that she doesn't remember agreeing to come live with me nor many other things that we had past talked about. It's not that she dislikes it here, but that she doesn't understand how she got here and, when I explain it, it doesn't make sense to her in any way.
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Dexieboy Dec 2018
My Alz mother would be the same way, and it is SO difficult to keep trying to explain their situation to them in 100s of ways so they might understand, but our efforts always prove futile. Sad.
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I know what bookluvr is saying. I often feel guilty for thinking of myself so that hardly ever happens. I also get so angry at my siblings for never helping out even though I have asked several times for assistance. Then when I snap at them they say I should not do everything myself - would like to just smack them alongside their heads to see if they have any marbles that rattle around there. I love my parents and only want the best for them but sometimes I get so frustrated.
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Reply to grayling55
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I love my Dad with all my heart. He broke his hip in January and has been here since leaving the nursing home after 1 week. He is blind and has bouts of confusion which are getting worse. My Mom is still in her home about a mile away. Physically she is okay but her dementia is far worse than my Dad's. I am the oldest of 5 kids, one is out of state and one is an alcoholic who can't take care of herself, much less my parents. So between my brother, sister and I, we take care of the two. My Mom swears that I have taken him away from her. She leaves nasty messages on my phone accusing me of spending his money and other things I wouldn't post. I left my RN job to take care of them. I am thankful to have the help of my husband and my sister. I also hired a friend to come in 2 days per week to give me a 2 hour break to do as I please. Sadly I will probably use that time to clean up the house and yard. I guess the thing that bothers me the most is the loss of freedom. I also get tired of the full urinals and not making it to the commode in time. Yesterday he slept for 22 hours and woke up at 8 PM. So now, in the middle of the night I am up, trying to keep him calm. I cannot trust him not to try and get up and fall again. I thought he was dying today and it really scared me. Thanks for a place to vent.
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Dexieboy Dec 2018
Sometimes we need to vent more than anything else, WeNEED to get this stuff OUT of our systems from time to time.
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Feeling like there is no honorable way out.
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Reply to Starrysky
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Feeling under appreciated. A thank you or a pat on the back once in a while, would go a long way.
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Reply to BoniChak
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I changed my mind. The worst thing is to watch your parents decompose physically and mentally. It is a desperate feel at first and we try to stop it from happening. One day we realize that it is going to happen. We can't stop it. We can only make it more comfortable.
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Dexieboy Oct 2018
I have recently come to the same realization. I cannot “fix” mom and make her revert to the strong, independent mother I knew. One day at a time. I can only do what I can do today to make her comfortable and provide support measures. Tomorrow she may need different things for her comfort and support.
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Only one thing? I guess it would be boredom. (Gosh, this was a boring answer.)
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