I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
hug!!
bundle of joy
(whose real name means peace)
But that's all right. I'm strong.
I’m sorry Hothouseflower.
Since we're doing everything, why bother to offer to help out the caregiver?
50+ years of dementia research-not a thing to show for it. Nothing.
Palliative medications to manage the symptoms. Nothing else.
This bothers me the most.
FIL is in …. in house hospital rehab, wants to sign himself out AMA. His ALF says he has to walk with his walker 150 feet first to return. ( I think they are trying to get rid of him because he is so uncooperative with showers and incontinence care ).
I fielded the call last Friday and told the case manager that FIL can’t sign out AMA, he has dementia and his son (DH) has DMPOA. Not to mention if he leaves rehab he will be homeless if ALF won’t take him . Case manager said well if he refuses treatment and wants to leave…..
it will be on us to find him a place to go ,
Went up to the hospital and spoke with FIL . He said he will stay but he wants to be taken out to dinner after rehab is all done . We have not taken him out in months , his walking is so bad and I’m not hurting my back pulling him out of the car . We bring him food .
I doubt he will finish the 7-10 days . He will get them to discharge him early and I don’t blame them . Hopefully ALF will take him , because he can’t get up the stairs in my house and he can’t manage in my bathrooms . So far he’s having difficulty walking far , so in addition to walking they are working on self propelling in wheelchair . FIL is going to flip when he gets back to ALF , we put a wheelchair in his room today .
Tell him he'll be burning up the hallway carpets in no time!
He can use the new wheels or stay room-bound. His choice.
(I'd choose wheels & freedom).
Today, davidmiller2.
Best wishes to you.
Yeah I have grown children . I did the walkway thing for temper tantrums . We have started ignoring . He’s still very intelligent, even though you can’t reason with him. Like a smart older toddler.
Need him to get worse so therapeutic lies will start working too. Thanks
So many people will relate to what you are saying. No one has all of the answers for every situation. It’s trial and error. Wouldn’t it be great if everything was, ‘one size fits all?’ Unfortunately, life is never that easy.
Good for you finding ways to make money from home. People do stuff a lot freakier then foot pics and selling their old drawers and tights to make money. I give you credit for being a unpaid family caregiver (we all know how miserable that usually is). You also have proper pride and self-respect because you refuse to live as freeloader who expects the government to support them. Respect.
I hope you make money and set up that nest egg to get yourself out. Good luck and God bless. ~BC
When FIL barks orders and wants everything done his way on his time schedule because he doesn’t want his “independence taken away “.
When he says he doesn’t need help . Meanwhile needing everything done for him but refusing showers and assistance with toileting schedule, and expects us to put up with the stink.
When he wants to be taken out for meals, entertainment, take him away on a cruise , take him to see friends 4 hours away , all the while stinking in an old diaper . ( We don’t take him out anymore).
When we offer to bring him lunch because we finally made our own dinner plans with friends but he wants us to bring dinner instead .
When they are spoiled and can’t accept that their age is catching up with them and blame you for the changes .
He wants us to maintain his routine and “ independent lifestyle” but fails to see that our lives are turned upside down .
After a long day at work call up when we are sleeping.
Last night he called because I wrote down haircut on his calendar for Friday next week but I didn’t write the time down . I don’t know what time it is. He’s having it done at the facility every six weeks . This is what I get for putting my foot down and telling the man that we are not taking him out for haircuts anymore when he can get it done at the facility .
No one has to tolerate any of what you're saying. I did elder care for 25 years. I never tolerated anything near the behavior you describe from your FIL. He's in AL not living with you. He complains too much or gets too demanding on a phone call.
Hang up.
He stinks too bad in a soiled pull-up and because he refuses to let an aide help him wash properly.
You don't take him anywhere. You stop visiting or limit the visits.
The more families and caregivers cater to fussy, ornery, stubborn seniors the worse they get. It's the same as with spoiled, brat kids. If their behavior is dementia related, then they should be cared for by professionals.
Don't do anything for an ingrate. You're an adult. You don't have to engage in fighting because the elder is instigating some trouble. Tell her to shut the hell up and walk away.
You can prevent her sabotaging things also by not letting her know your business. Don't keep her in the loop on anything she can possibly sabotage. If you are planning something, you don't let her know until you are practically out the door.
She accepts the choices you give her, or she's on her own.
Never tolerate a senior brat.
Tell him you are leaving March 1.
Call the last friend you talked to and ask if you can sleep on her/his couch for 3 nights. Or find a low cost motel.
Slavery was outlawed a LONG time ago.
Of course, you are depressed and have anxiety. You are young and life is passing you by or should I say that you are allowing life to pass you by.
You deserve better and you know it. You have suffered enough, paid dues that weren’t even owed.
Give notice that you will be leaving and live the life that you deserve! No one is stopping you from doing this except for yourself.
Be brave and let go. This is not a time to hold on. What are you gaining from this relationship? Not judging you at all. I was a caregiver myself for my mom. I’m curious as to what is keeping you with your grandmother who didn’t help you as a child.
Best wishes to you.
backstory? why not.
me and my sister were adopted by our grandparents when we were 6 & 11 years old. our grandfather was abusive in every way you can think of… ways i can’t mention. we used to ask our grandmother to help and she would reply that there was simply nothing she could do. she just told us we better not tell anyone cause she had an image to maintain at church and within the family and community. of course there was tons of resentment. when our grandfather passed away, i was 17 years old. i graduated high school and finally started to embrace being young. i partied and kind of lost myself a little bit. i finally started to learn who i was around 24 and BOOM, my grandmother has several strokes and is diagnosed with dementia. i am thrown into a caregiver position by her son (in his 50s at the time and very financially stable) because he said me and my grandmother would both benefit from living together. me financially and her with care. fast forward to age 28, i’m doing very well at my job. lots of opportunities coming about and i met the love of my life. by 29, i’m no longer able to work. i’m not able to spend time with my friends or boyfriend. i can’t leave the house alone to shop, go to the doctor, get a haircut, workout, take a deep breath. my grandmother is extremely combative, aggressive, uses foul language, and is the most hateful and unhappy person i’ve ever been around. she has to have help with absolutely everything, including bathing and using the bathroom. i’ve asked her son for help NUMEROUS times and he just tells me he’s too busy. he says i’ve had the pleasure of staying in this house even though i’ve told him it’s falling apart and we’re not financially able to realistically support 2 adults, one without income. he never visits, hardly ever calls. i’ve handled everything by myself for 6 years. now i’m 30 and i’ve matured more than ever. i have jobs offered to me that are exactly what i need for my career to take off, but i have to decline. i can’t even spend time with my boyfriend unless my grandmother is right there with us, cussing us out and throwing things at us. it’s ruining my life. i hate the situation i’m in. everything about it brings me pain and suffering. i wake up in the morning and wish i could go back to sleep. i have no control over my life and i no longer feel like myself. i don’t think this is what 30 should feel like.
SO SORRY for the long winded bs. i’m just struggling right now with severe anxiety and depression… although i have people to talk to, no one understands because no one has been through this. if you read this, thank you.
You can do it!
You don't have to be the caregiver to any of them. Slavery was abolished a long time ago. You're an adult and can put your four remaining elders in a care facility and walk away.
If you have kids they will be very happy to know that you're preparing for your old age and don't expect them to ruin their lives taking on the burden of elder care.