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That my mother does not get at all how stressful this has been for me for the past four years. I have tried to talk to her about getting help but she refuses. She truly believes that I do not do that much for her. She made the decision that she was never going to move out of her house, which I get, but did not involve the one person in that decision that allows her to remain in the house . . . me. I work full time, and the stress of having to worry about everything with her is exhausting. And yes, it's the same as with Marialake - everything is also about her all of the time.
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bundleofjoy Apr 2023
and i bet, your mother didn't caregive for her mother. otherwise, she would know the huge effort it takes.
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Drama
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bundleofjoy Apr 2023
i don't know what it is about people who like to start: drama, chaos, conflict, bad feelings in others. i think it gives some people a high.

hug!!

bundle of joy
(whose real name means peace)
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The endless guilt. No support from anyone. My older sisters using Mom's move to a nursing home (which they do support) as an excuse to unleash every criticism against me that they've been storing up for 50 years. How mom's been abandoned by her grandchildren, who have never visited, called, written, texted... nothing. Crickets. At this point, if I never see or speak to any of them again, I'm good with that.

But that's all right. I'm strong.
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Hothouseflower May 2023
Good news is someone else is doing the heavy lifting now. You can be a daughter and not the hired help. Ignore the sisterly criticisms, do not worry who has been in touch with grandma or not. That’s on them. Go take a vacation and try to remember how it is to have fun.
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Taking care of a person with Alzheimers is probably one of the most difficult and least rewarding tasks you will ever do. However there may be a group in your area of other people in your situation. You may want to look into this. It is a safe place where you can vent your frustrations and maybe get some emotional support and ways to help you understand what is happening with your MIL.
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My parents’ financial and health situations are weighing on me. I find myself anxious and nervous most days about everything.
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Way2tired Apr 2023
I’ve been there too, on and off many times. It makes it impossible to enjoy (your own) life .
I’m sorry Hothouseflower.
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The mindless ignorance of others who can't possibly "know" or understand "most caregivers" well enough to judge them to be inadequate.
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Ariadnee Apr 2023
Being sarcastic:
Since we're doing everything, why bother to offer to help out the caregiver?
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Watching dementia taking over my husband.

50+ years of dementia research-not a thing to show for it. Nothing.

Palliative medications to manage the symptoms. Nothing else.

This bothers me the most.
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Way2tired Apr 2023
So sorry. This is especially difficult because it’s your spouse .
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Just doing the same thing everyday! No day off or vacation. I take care of my 96 year old mom with dementia and my brother who has cbs,( corticobasile syndrome). He can’t feed himself or walk by himself. Thank goodness they live in the same house. It’s all day, do this or do that. Nothing much else gets done. I feel bad cause her house is not being cleaned like it used to be. My day is breakfast, laundry, taking him to the bathroom all day , giving them both snacks, then supper. At my wits end. Can’t even hang out with my grown kids. I could go on and on.
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Hospital case managers

FIL is in …. in house hospital rehab, wants to sign himself out AMA. His ALF says he has to walk with his walker 150 feet first to return. ( I think they are trying to get rid of him because he is so uncooperative with showers and incontinence care ).

I fielded the call last Friday and told the case manager that FIL can’t sign out AMA, he has dementia and his son (DH) has DMPOA. Not to mention if he leaves rehab he will be homeless if ALF won’t take him . Case manager said well if he refuses treatment and wants to leave…..
it will be on us to find him a place to go ,

Went up to the hospital and spoke with FIL . He said he will stay but he wants to be taken out to dinner after rehab is all done . We have not taken him out in months , his walking is so bad and I’m not hurting my back pulling him out of the car . We bring him food .

I doubt he will finish the 7-10 days . He will get them to discharge him early and I don’t blame them . Hopefully ALF will take him , because he can’t get up the stairs in my house and he can’t manage in my bathrooms . So far he’s having difficulty walking far , so in addition to walking they are working on self propelling in wheelchair . FIL is going to flip when he gets back to ALF , we put a wheelchair in his room today .
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Beatty Apr 2023
Going to flip. LOL

Tell him he'll be burning up the hallway carpets in no time!
He can use the new wheels or stay room-bound. His choice.

(I'd choose wheels & freedom).
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Same here…. I think she is cunning, knowing that it’s crazy of me to think it. I sometimes wonder what’s going on in her head. Some days she’s hateful and some days she’s compliant. I’ve been doing this, alone, for 6 mos. She has declined significantly, but I think she’ll put me in the grave. A hospice aide comes twice weekly to bath her and change the linen. Thank goodness; but the rest is on me. I have resisted everyone’s resolve to put her in a facility, but can’t bring myself to give in as long as I’m physically able to care for her (which will be when I end up disabled myself). Dumb, I know.
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What bothers me the most about caregiving?
Today, davidmiller2.
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Wow! I can relate! It’s so difficult to have my own mother treat me this way. She hurts my feelings. I have to remind myself she isn’t my mother anymore. Just a sick, immature person.
Best wishes to you.
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Sounds like my husband ;)
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I believe it is dealing with the patients anger and trying to understand the anger comes from their frustration. The frustration our loved one has stems from the inability to have control over her life and being dependent upon others for everything. I believe a lack of control and complete dependence upon caregivers must be a very frightening experience from the patients point of view. Of course, dealing with the patients anger and bitterness creates plenty of duress for the caregiver, which is where I come in. I love the 2014 comment about the caregivers arms bleeding and the patient worrying about who will bring her a cookie. True and well said.
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Ariadnee Mar 2023
One time I hit my knee really hard against the coffee table-(I'm a klutz) so painful I was on the floor. Husband kept watching TV, didn't say a word while he was changing channels and eating pretzels. Yep.
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Time to look for another home for mom. You can visit her. Built up anger does neither of you any good.
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@burntcaregiver.
Yeah I have grown children . I did the walkway thing for temper tantrums . We have started ignoring . He’s still very intelligent, even though you can’t reason with him. Like a smart older toddler.
Need him to get worse so therapeutic lies will start working too. Thanks
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
Way2tired,

So many people will relate to what you are saying. No one has all of the answers for every situation. It’s trial and error. Wouldn’t it be great if everything was, ‘one size fits all?’ Unfortunately, life is never that easy.
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@PerfumeGarden

Good for you finding ways to make money from home. People do stuff a lot freakier then foot pics and selling their old drawers and tights to make money. I give you credit for being a unpaid family caregiver (we all know how miserable that usually is). You also have proper pride and self-respect because you refuse to live as freeloader who expects the government to support them. Respect.
I hope you make money and set up that nest egg to get yourself out. Good luck and God bless. ~BC
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There are too many things to pick just one.
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When they are in assisted living but they insist they don’t belong there. When they insist they are independent but clearly they are not .

When FIL barks orders and wants everything done his way on his time schedule because he doesn’t want his “independence taken away “.

When he says he doesn’t need help . Meanwhile needing everything done for him but refusing showers and assistance with toileting schedule, and expects us to put up with the stink.

When he wants to be taken out for meals, entertainment, take him away on a cruise , take him to see friends 4 hours away , all the while stinking in an old diaper . ( We don’t take him out anymore).

When we offer to bring him lunch because we finally made our own dinner plans with friends but he wants us to bring dinner instead .

When they are spoiled and can’t accept that their age is catching up with them and blame you for the changes .
He wants us to maintain his routine and “ independent lifestyle” but fails to see that our lives are turned upside down .

After a long day at work call up when we are sleeping.
Last night he called because I wrote down haircut on his calendar for Friday next week but I didn’t write the time down . I don’t know what time it is. He’s having it done at the facility every six weeks . This is what I get for putting my foot down and telling the man that we are not taking him out for haircuts anymore when he can get it done at the facility .
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2023
@Way2tired

No one has to tolerate any of what you're saying. I did elder care for 25 years. I never tolerated anything near the behavior you describe from your FIL. He's in AL not living with you. He complains too much or gets too demanding on a phone call.
Hang up.
He stinks too bad in a soiled pull-up and because he refuses to let an aide help him wash properly.
You don't take him anywhere. You stop visiting or limit the visits.
The more families and caregivers cater to fussy, ornery, stubborn seniors the worse they get. It's the same as with spoiled, brat kids. If their behavior is dementia related, then they should be cared for by professionals.
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The lack of gratitude and the insistence on fighting and sabotaging EVERYTHING I try to do to help!
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2023
Stop helping her then. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a senior is some tough love.
Don't do anything for an ingrate. You're an adult. You don't have to engage in fighting because the elder is instigating some trouble. Tell her to shut the hell up and walk away.
You can prevent her sabotaging things also by not letting her know your business. Don't keep her in the loop on anything she can possibly sabotage. If you are planning something, you don't let her know until you are practically out the door.
She accepts the choices you give her, or she's on her own.
Never tolerate a senior brat.
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I cant find the local help I need for in home care for both parents....No one to help and no one likes Medicaid payments.....that is what bothers me the most!!!!
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NancyDY Mar 2023
Make a call to your County Division of Health & Human Services. They will come out to the home and do an assessment. You apply for Long Term Care. The State will pay it, over and above medicaid. This is something different. Be prepared though, the State will link their noses into the parents' finances to recoup the cost. It sucks, because this includes bank accounts, settlements, you name it. Medicare if they have it, is also a source for help. Look closely at the insurance plan they have- it may not be adequate. Visit with an Insurance broker for Health Insurance- this saved our butts with my brother. He's on Medicaid but only for paying his Part B. She got him signed up with United Healthcare Dual Complete (In Colorado) and it covers a ton more than even ours does. You don't say how old your parents are, but there are OPTIONS. Start with your local county D.H.S. and they can help you! Good luck, it just take some research!
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THANK YOU. i FEEL LIKE YOU WROTE MY STORY. aT LEAST i KNOW THERE ARE OTHERS!!!
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CAndy, I'm sorry to say it but let someone else come in and caregive for her. Find a new client that is not abusive. There are many out there that would enjoy having you as a caregiver. And less needy to.
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The clients that forget that you are human. The loss of respect after bathing them the first time. Its like all of a sudden you've been married to them for twenty years and they can talk to you any way they want. And thats after the first full bath. Not all are like that. But many. Especially if you are related. This is only my opinion from experience. I'm a new live in caregiver. Not new at caregiving.
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Candy; write to Grandma's son tonight.

Tell him you are leaving March 1.

Call the last friend you talked to and ask if you can sleep on her/his couch for 3 nights. Or find a low cost motel.

Slavery was outlawed a LONG time ago.
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Candy,

Of course, you are depressed and have anxiety. You are young and life is passing you by or should I say that you are allowing life to pass you by.

You deserve better and you know it. You have suffered enough, paid dues that weren’t even owed.

Give notice that you will be leaving and live the life that you deserve! No one is stopping you from doing this except for yourself.

Be brave and let go. This is not a time to hold on. What are you gaining from this relationship? Not judging you at all. I was a caregiver myself for my mom. I’m curious as to what is keeping you with your grandmother who didn’t help you as a child.

Best wishes to you.
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i’m gonna be honest here, because it’s rare i get to do it in real life. EVERYTHING about caregiving bothers me. i don’t feel fulfilled and i don’t feel like i’m doing a noble thing.

backstory? why not.
me and my sister were adopted by our grandparents when we were 6 & 11 years old. our grandfather was abusive in every way you can think of… ways i can’t mention. we used to ask our grandmother to help and she would reply that there was simply nothing she could do. she just told us we better not tell anyone cause she had an image to maintain at church and within the family and community. of course there was tons of resentment. when our grandfather passed away, i was 17 years old. i graduated high school and finally started to embrace being young. i partied and kind of lost myself a little bit. i finally started to learn who i was around 24 and BOOM, my grandmother has several strokes and is diagnosed with dementia. i am thrown into a caregiver position by her son (in his 50s at the time and very financially stable) because he said me and my grandmother would both benefit from living together. me financially and her with care. fast forward to age 28, i’m doing very well at my job. lots of opportunities coming about and i met the love of my life. by 29, i’m no longer able to work. i’m not able to spend time with my friends or boyfriend. i can’t leave the house alone to shop, go to the doctor, get a haircut, workout, take a deep breath. my grandmother is extremely combative, aggressive, uses foul language, and is the most hateful and unhappy person i’ve ever been around. she has to have help with absolutely everything, including bathing and using the bathroom. i’ve asked her son for help NUMEROUS times and he just tells me he’s too busy. he says i’ve had the pleasure of staying in this house even though i’ve told him it’s falling apart and we’re not financially able to realistically support 2 adults, one without income. he never visits, hardly ever calls. i’ve handled everything by myself for 6 years. now i’m 30 and i’ve matured more than ever. i have jobs offered to me that are exactly what i need for my career to take off, but i have to decline. i can’t even spend time with my boyfriend unless my grandmother is right there with us, cussing us out and throwing things at us. it’s ruining my life. i hate the situation i’m in. everything about it brings me pain and suffering. i wake up in the morning and wish i could go back to sleep. i have no control over my life and i no longer feel like myself. i don’t think this is what 30 should feel like.

SO SORRY for the long winded bs. i’m just struggling right now with severe anxiety and depression… although i have people to talk to, no one understands because no one has been through this. if you read this, thank you.
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Beekee Feb 2023
Walk out and don't look back!
You can do it!
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Isolation when living with an elderly parent
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...that I can't fix my wife!
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Every single thing. I hate it. I've got four remaining elders. Three with dementia. The fourth has no cartilage in his hip and a bad heart, so he can't walk anymore...but he's waiting for Jesus to heal him. The doctor said he'd never seen such a severe case, and still Mr. Martyr, the only allegedly sane one of the bunch, won't even consider it. The other one has dementia and is bed ridden. Yikes! Nothing positive about this experience at all, except it's made me prepare better for my dotage.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2023
@Senior

You don't have to be the caregiver to any of them. Slavery was abolished a long time ago. You're an adult and can put your four remaining elders in a care facility and walk away.
If you have kids they will be very happy to know that you're preparing for your old age and don't expect them to ruin their lives taking on the burden of elder care.
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