My dad has dementia and has lived in a memory care facility for over 2 years. He is frail, beginning to have trouble walking, and is almost non-verbal. When of sound mind, he filled out DNR paperwork and made it clear to me he would not want to live beyond "quality of life". He even spoke of suicide/assisted suicide. He always said he would not like to end up like his mother, who spent her last years bedridden with advanced dementia.
Dad is 81. Lately there has been some discussion about him possibly needing a pacemaker. My reaction has been "No". If his body winds down naturally and he dies a peaceful death, I think that is what he would have wanted.
Part of why he was moved to memory care is that my alcoholic mother refused to care for him and said he was "not her responsibility" after 50 years of marriage. She has verbally abused him and has said many times he would be better off dead, she wishes he were dead, etc. I am generally the one that nursing staff looks to for dad's needs, although technically mom is first in line as POA. Mostly she is AWOL :(
This morning we briefly discussed the pacemaker issue and she says her answer is "Yes" to the pacemaker, if that is what the doctor's suggest.
OK: Thoughts from the Forum about pacemakers, Please!.....
I don't know the first thing about pacemakers, so I feel that I need to be armed with real data to understand the short-term and long-term implications in having one placed in an 81-year old frail man with dementia. I fear for his future, and frankly mine too sometimes. Covering all bases with a dementia dad and a mentally ill mother is draining :(
My experience appears to have been different from some of the other posts. I can think of three loved ones I’ve been up close and involved in when they got their own PM.
No problems at all.
One with Parkinson’s and dementia had hers replaced after going on hospice and all concerned are glad she did.
However, In your dad’s case, I would follow his wishes.
I would also try to get his POA from your mom. You might have missed your best (easiest) opportunity for that when you took his care over.
Regardless, I think I would impress upon her that if you have to file for guardianship of him that the funds to do that will come from his bank account.
She’s got quiet a record now you could mention that shows she isn’t really the best decision maker so a simple letter stating she will no longer be his POA would be the appropriate step for her to take. You shouldn’t have to deal with her over his care.
Your attorney could provide that document. Of course I wouldn’t go that far unless forced to.
I would think he was a drain on her finances unless he has a good LTC policy that’s paying for everything.
She has been so cruel to him (or is demented herself...can’t have it both ways), that I would want to protect my dad to live his life out as he saw fit.
This one is not hard to decide to me because you know what he wants.
I think that your dad made his choice plain and clear when he was of sound mind.
Your mom, who knows what her motivation could be in having him go through a procedure that inserts wires into his heart, this is not an outpatient procedure. I can only think it is money.
At 81, with dementia, doing anything that will prolong the very existence he didn't want would be cruel in my opinion.
Try to discourage her from having this done.
Hugs! What an awful situation.
POA bro decided to ask mom, who was still technically competent, if she wanted Pacemaker, explained procedure and that doing nothing would result in death. She paused; clearly thought about it and said "yes, I want to do it".
So we did it. Awful night in ICU with temp PM; they didn't give her her antianxiety meds; after surgery, she woke up and said "Kentucky Derby!!". (The Belmont was the race that was being run that afternoon; she was "in the ball park" shall we say.
She lived another 2 years. Was it the quality of life I would have wanted for her? No. But we asked her and she said yes.
Ask your dad, if he hasn't been declared incompetent. It's HIS decision.
If all else fails, and you have evidence of your mother's abuse of him, get emergency guardianship for your father. Your mother should not be in charge of him; she does not deserve that privilege.
The incision is painful. I am not sure if I would put an elderly person thru this.
I am a nurse. I would vote for honoring your father's wish. I would not place the pacemaker. I would be doing palliative care only now.
That's where I stand, but when someone ELSE has the power of attorney it doesn't matter where you stand. I would gently advise Mom that Dad would not have wanted this, and that his wishes should be honored. But really, that is the only power you have.
Pacemakers are not benign procedures and there is then the side problems of getting them checked, adjusted, medications, etc. That said, the procedure usually goes well and they are more and more sophisticated with less and less problem of battery changes, etc. The problem with the elderly is that during that window of time waiting for the leads to kind of implant (think of a fishhook to the chamber) with scar tissue, a radical movement can displace the leads. In the elderly impaired this can happen more readily than with the young. I do not know the reason for pacer. I have Chronic Atrial Fib which my spouse has also. I chose no pacer and he chose yes. He is in fact on his third battery change in a few months and I am still beside him. His was placed for a slow heart beat, and more problematic thing. There are many different reasons to place them, just to tell you I am about 20 years out with chronic fib and an aspirin a day. So far still here. It's a spin of a wheel chance whether you do it or don't do it, as to which would give best quality of remaining life.
IMHO