How do I deal with an aging parent who just relocated from out of state and has a hard time adjusting?

Stephan makes a very good point. It is very difficult, especially as we get older, to make a major move like this. To leave everything and all that is familiar would be difficult for me for sure and I am only about 5 years younger than your mom.

Your post is so clear, so fair and loving and so well-written I am tempted to suggest that you show it to your mother, but that might be too harsh. It sounds like your mom is grieving. Does she see a counselor? If she is a church-goer there may be a Stephan Ministry program available. I believe many churches train lay people to weekly visit people in crisis, need or grief, and some people find it helpful. Sometimes we forget how hard this kind of transition can be, and almost none of us are old enough to really know what a move like this is like for an older person. It would be tragic for the stress, hurt and anger to escalate and cause a rift -- especially during such a happy time as you start your new family.

Thanks Blannie. It's one of the blessings of having grown up in a female-dominated family. I observed and listened carefully. I have an edge on most men I know b/c I can transcend the gender barriers and identify, understand, and often appreciate the nuances of the female psyche. In sum, I was well trained! ... Some of my friends at the gym say they're surprised I'm not running around with D-cup implants and 6" heels. My answer to them is always "Stop hating."

Eddie, it's SO refreshing to hear that male perspective with, "don't be shy girl, make it clear there's a loving man in your home that needs some attention too." I love that!!

Cutting that reverse umbilical cord is going to be hard, particularly when you moved her to begin with. Plus you've about to drop that baby and will need all the help you can get; even with your husband pitching in. A heart-to-heart with Mom is definitely in order, but the last thing you want to do is alienate her to the point she'll threaten to pack return to the old neighborhood where she'd planted actual roots. ... In the meantime, start with having her call before coming by. And don't be shy girl, make it clear there's a loving man in your home that needs some attention too.

hbibkefriend you're finding your voice with your mom - woohoo!! Don't be surprised if she's sulky or mad or sarcastic...you're changing the equation and she won't like that. She's groomed you over years and years to do exactly what she wants. It's not going to be easy to change that, but as you set small boundaries and see the benefits and results from them, it will embolden you to take more control of your life. Treat her like you would a child with temper tantrums. Let her have her "time out" if she misbehaves. She has to learn that she can't manipulate you through her childish behavior. Over time she'll learn.

You're doing her a great service by expecting her to behave like a responsible adult and not a petulant child who's to be spoiled and catered to at all costs. If she's so miserable, let her move back to her old place. Hang in there, you're heading in the right direction and we're here to support you!

It sounds like you've come to some very healthy decisions, hbibkefriend. Stay strong!

Thanks again everyone. I had a talk w/her today but I'm not sure it sunk in. This came after an episode yesterday where I had a nice day planned for all of us. When I called her to arrange the time, she was getting snippy with me and wouldn't tell me why, said she didn't want to go, etc. When I finally got it out of her, she started w/the accusations and then hung up on me when I spoke up. Since she didn't call back ,we resumed the activities without her and I didn't talk to her until this afternoon as I needed day to calm down. I decided to go by her place to have a serious talk with her. I told her I would always keep my time w/my husband and that I am by no means excluding her from my life by setting boundaries. I don't know if she got it or not. She was not very responsive. She just told me I was on a tirade. She said she didn't move here to meet strangers but to be with me and my family. I told her she can be with me but not all of the time and it's up to her what she does on the days I cannot be with her. She said she is not interested in meeting strangers and wants me to stop bugging her about it. I told her that I will stop but she cannot give me a hard time on those days she has no one to talk to. Then she asks why I didn't call her back to discuss the BBQ plans we initially had in the afternoon. Why would I when she hung up on me? I told her I am finished looking for activities for her and she is now on her own. Let's see how this goes. It still breaks my heart when I think of her being alone in her place in a strange environment but she could fix that. I lived alone for several years and felt lonely but I always did something about it and did not take it out on her so she could do the same for herself. She also told me I forced her to come here which I did not. I told her all along it was her decision - no pressure, etc. She says she feels like she cannot stay long when she's at our house for whatever reason. I never gave her a time limit or told her to leave. I think she's too focused on what I say and just interprets everything the wrong way. I am going to focus on my baby and hope she stops this behavior. I hope the baby will give her some purpose and happiness (but within healthy limits). I am also hoping I can be stronger and stand up to her without feeling guilty all the time. This guilt is very dysfunctional and is very destructive.

You never did say how old your mom is. How old is she? The more you say about her, the more it becomes apparent that she is really trying hard to manipulate you. You walk on eggshells because she's learned how to blow up to divert attention and back you off from the boundary that you're trying to set. She turns it around and "catastrophizes" what you say. You say, "I want Saturdays with my husband" and she turns it around to "You don't love me". Her world is black and white. Either you meet her every demand or you don't love her. You can't win by trying to reason with her. She's acting in an unreasonable way. She's panicked that you're starting to show some backbone and stand up for yourself and your marriage. So it becomes even more important to set CLEAR boundaries and stick to them. No pussyfooting around with language. "Mother, I love you and I love my husband and my new baby. I can spend time with you on Mondays and Wednesday and we can do whatever you want. But the other days are for my husband and my new baby. I love you but that's how it's got to be."

Let her fashion her own life. Offer to move her back where she was if she's so unhappy. Otherwise, it's up to her to build her new life. You've gone above and beyond to help her out, but she doesn't want help to build a life. She just wants to be joined at your hip. And for your own health and happiness, you can't allow that. Back off, limit contact and let her start to do her own thing. It's her life and you can't live it for her. She's in charge of her health and happiness, you're not.

Dear Hbib, It sounds like your Mom could use an increased dosage of her anti-depressant if it is no longer working. Perfect reason to get her to the doctor.
Additionally, your shy 'introverted' mother seems to wield a lot of power over you. The more you try to please her, the more excuses she seems to find that your solutions are not good enough. When she lived in her home state, she was fully independent and social and she is capable of managing herself just as well in your state. 74 is not that old for a woman of sound mind, intelligence, and ability to drive and take care of herself. She has no valid excuses! Don't you think 6 months is more than enough time to acclimate herself to her new apartment and location? She really has no excuse at this point to be acting so needy and putting so much pressure on you - especially when you are about to deliver - she is running you ragged! I think no matter what you do or how much you try to please her it will never be enough. From the sound of it, she will always find fault with something.
She already let slip her intention to move into your home when the baby comes. Hmmm.... Could that be why her new apt is suddenly too dark and upsets her - maybe planting a little seed here? Caring for a new baby is a joyful experience, but also a ton of physical stress in itself. When you crack from the additional physical and emotional stress she is putting on you, Victory! Now she MUST move in and help take care of the baby and your household as well! Won't your husband love that? Oh, but of course 'it will only be for a little while'. Suddenly her introversion will disappear and she will show you just how capable she is of taking charge of YOUR lives. I bet she will no longer have any problems running around town taking care of your shopping and errands!
Your discomfort with confrontation will be nothing compared to the discomfort you and your husband will experience if she ends up living in your house. Your unwillingness to stand up to her may be your own undoing. No, you shouldn't have to explain to her that you need to live your own life, but I think that is exactly what she needs to hear from you. Until you make that clear, I think she will continue to manipulate you. As your husband said, you need to communicate clearly with her, and let her know that you have done all you possibly could for her based on her interests and talents, and she has rejected it all (you basically wrote the list in your above post), so now she needs to stand on her own two feet and cannot lean on you any further - period. You and your husband are starting a new chapter in your life as parents and she needs to understand that you will be focusing ALL your energies on that, which means she needs to start taking care of her own needs. I would let her know that you are very much looking forward to her being a Grandma also, but not the "live-in" type, nor the 'hovering' type. Make it clear that you and your husband need your SPACE, and cannot handle the daily interruptions and unannounced visits. I would tell her that she needs to call and ASK if it is convenient to visit, and she should not get insulted if you say "No Mom, it's not a good time right now". I would make it clear that if she does get insulted and defensive that it is HER problem and she will just have to get over it - and you do NOT feel guilty since you have not made any unreasonable demands on her. Let her walk on eggshells for a change. I think the only way she will understand that you intend to live your own life is to PROVE it.

As an only child, I know what you are experiencing. My mother calls me in tears and begs me to "come get her" it makes me a wreck...until I call the ALF and find out she's been fine all day. She is pushing your buttons because it has always worked. The baby and hubs are your priority and she's feeling shut out. She will deal with it. It's her fault that she's been living vicariously through you.
I think that onlys feel a huge responsibility to their parents (at least I do) However, I am learning that my independence has always been tied to their wishes. Follow the plan and everyone is happy. In my case, dementia intervened, and I found myself trying to answer impossible requests!
My mother actually said that when she dies, I won't have anyone. I'm married, have two daughters who live nearby and two granddaughters! They don't count :)

maybe you should think about family counseling. How old is your mom, why did you decide to move her, maybe that was your mistake.

Introverted people don't need a lot of socialization. We can be happy reading, taking a walk alone, working in the back of the library, knitting, listening to music and watching birds on a feeder. If Mom is truly an introvert it won't work trying to make her into something else. You've given her plenty of opportunities to build a social life. She can act on those if/when she is ready.

You are not responsible for her happiness. And that is a good thing, because you cannot make someone happy.

Maybe having more explicit conversations with her would help. Or maybe you should just let your actions speak for you. Set boundaries. Repeat them as necessary. "I'm not available on Saturday, Mom. You know I spend that with Hubby." Don't get defensive when she accuses you of pushing her away. "I'm sorry that you see it that way, Mom. You did a good job of raising me to be an independent woman. I'm all grown up now and I need time for myself. I still love you, of course."

You are right that you don't want to wind up resentful. Try to be polite but firm. And stop worrying about how much your mother does or does not socialize. Just focus on not being her constant social outlet.

Thanks again for all of the support. This really does help to get an outside perspective. My mother does go to the senior center once a week for a class (that she says is a joke). She also volunteers at the library once a week but works in the back so she doesn't socialize much there. She skipped that once because she said she had to finish my laundry (not what I requested). They also have lunches at the senior center. She went there once and did't like the crowd - said it was too much like a nursing home. She loves to sing so I found a choir for her. I offered 3 times to go with her to the church to show here where to go just the first time and help her feel comfortable. She keeps backing out every time I make plans. She used to be a foreign language teacher. I found a language school nearby where she could teach a couple of hours a week. She initially sad she would go and never called the school. I even initiated the contact for her and she didn't do anything about it. At least she finally figured out where to get her prescriptions, etc. but all of this still does not seem like enough to keep her happy. The only time she seems happy is when she can see me all the time. I found an apartment for her that is close to a small downtown. I thought this would be nice so she could take walks and be surrounded by people but she says all there is available there are shops and restaurants which is much more than she had back home. She also started complaining her apartment is too dark and drives her crazy. I know she is depressed. She takes medication for it but I don't think it is working any longer. I am really worried about her but she doesn't help herself when she can. She is very introverted so making friends is hard for her. She had a lot of friends back home but those were friends that she never had to make an effort to find. I know it's hard to start over at her age so that is why I have been trying so hard to be there for her and be supportive. I just don't feel like I am getting any help from her side in terms of her independence. I think you are right - I am making it too easy for her. I did pull back recently and she feels it so she feels I am pushing her away. I have become snippy with her and am losing my patience and starting to become resentful which is not where I want to be. I will try to have another talk with her but I am always walking on eggshells with her - she always blows up and turns the conversation into a guilt trip.My husband thinks I don't communicate clearly with her and that is part of the problem. I just have a hard time w/confrontation and I feel that I should not have to explain that I need to live my own life.

You are very kind to not want to hurt your mother's feelings or make her feel unwelcome. But you have other priorities now. Your husband must be considered and soon a new member of the family will come ahead of everything.

You do not need permission to spend Saturdays alone with your husband.

You are not responsible for your mother's feelings. She gets mad, pouts, tries to send you on a guilt trip ... she is responsible for those feelings. And no one can send you on a guilt trip if you refuse to pack.

Set appropriate boundaries. Untie the apron strings. Others have given you specific suggestions for easing into this. But first and foremost you must determine to live your own life.

Dear Hbib, Don't know if you saw it, but I answered your other post also. The above story gives more details which are very helpful. By being available to your Mom's every whim and every need and every demand, you are ENABLING her needy behavior. THAT is what you are doing wrong. Just STOP. She is playing you like a fiddle. As Eyerishlass commented, you need to set boundaries. Your Mom is overstepping because she does not what your boundaries are. Perhaps sit down with Hubby and figure out how much involvement you both feel comfortable with from your Mom, but she definitely needs to conduct her life more independently. Moving in when the baby comes is recipe for how to wreck a marriage! Placing these guilt trips on you is manipulative behavior and you are falling for it. From what you wrote, it does not sound like she was always that way. As Blannie suggested, your Mom may be suffering from depression (hopefully temporary). It would be a good idea to take her for an "annual physical" (flu shot time!) with her new primary physician. If you can speak to him privately ahead of time, explain some of her needy and dependent behavior and your suspicion of depression. He may give her something to lift her spirits and make her feel more self-confident. She is in a totally new environment, she may be shy (?) and hesitant to step out on her own, but she is totally capable of doing her own shopping and errands and needs to learn the routes whether she likes it or not. The local library, the church, senior center, are all good places to go on her own and get involved with group activities and make new friends. I know your time is running short, but if you can, perhaps you can get the senior center schedule and just take her there and stay the first time, but leave the second time and come back to get her later. The third time, let her drive her own car 'because you need to get to a doctor appointment'. Stop driving her all over town - tell her you can't do it today because you are too tired or make up any excuse but just refuse. I hope some of comments in my answer as well as everyone else's are helpful to you.

Thanks for the replies everyone. This has been a real struggle. I am 3 weeks away from my due date and still getting guilt trips every weekend. I offered her my time on Sundays and she can pretty much see me any time during the week while my husband is at work. I just asked if I could have Saturdays alone w/my husband and it has turned into a huge problem for her. She says she is not welcome at our house, and that she feels hurt that Saturdays are off limits although I see her multiple times during the week. I spend more time on her issues than my own.The other day she said she is moving in when the baby arrives (which we never discussed). All I said was I will not need her help 24 hours a day so she would get the message and she took that as I don't need her help at all. She lives 5 minutes from us and I don't know why she needs to move in. I tried to tell her my husband is home for 2 weeks when the baby arrives and i'll need more of her help later when he goes back to work. She thinks I don't want her help at all, and says that really hurt her. It's my husband!! He wants to be with his baby. I feel she is being very selfish and unloving. I offered her a beautiful day today to spend with us and she said no because she couldn't sleep for 2 nights "because of me" so it was my fault she didn't feel well. She is so fixated on my Saturday request that she couldn't just accept and enjoy that we were going to spend the entire day with her today. Then she hangs up the phone on me and ends up sitting home alone all day which obviously resulted in me feeling bad. My usual reaction would have been to call back or run to her place but I am getting tired of this and I am physically very tired from the pregnancy. I don't need to be chasing her around right now. What am I doing wrong here? I have given her so many opportunities to meet people and she refuses everything. She says she doesn't want that and only wants to be with family (I am it - no siblings, cousins, aunts or uncles). I feel so much pressure to make her happy but she won't help herself. She says she doesn't want to be a burden but she is doing NOTHING to be independent. I feel like this will only get worse when the baby is here. She only wants me for everything - socializing, activities, help, rides, etc. I don't know what to do anymore.

You don't say how old your mom is, but if you're expecting, she can't be too old. I agree with Eyerishlass, you've got to step back and let your mom make her own way. Get her Skype so she can communicate with her old friends back home.

Is it possible she's depressed? If so, get her to the doctor to get that checked out. Set boundaries NOW, before the baby comes, or she'll be at your house every day and night once she's got a grandchild. You have done all that you can do to make your mom happy. Now it's up to her to do her part to assimilate into her new community. She's clinging to you because you're trying so hard to make things work. Once she sees that you've stepped back, she'll have to either sit there and be lonely or get herself out to meet some people and do some things. Right now, she's just waiting for you to try to help her, because she wants the attention from you and you're continuing to give it to her.

You sound like a wonderful daughter, so don't guilt-trip yourself. She's got to do her part to fit in to her new life. Keep us posted on how things go.

There are many services available that will send a companion that will visit with her and take her places which will reduce the burden on you. That person could also take her to a senior center or wherever you choose. This would provide mom the company when starting these new things, while at the same time relieving you.

Many churches have members that will assist with getting others to church and activities. With a baby due any day, I would call a church that you think she will enjoy and find out about their activities and other members that would be able to help get her going.

If your mom can drive to your house then she can drive to the store or to church or wherever she may want to go. It sounds like you have been there for her every step of the way during this process and now it's time for you to let go and let her live her own life. You aren't responsible for her (yet). People who are needy always seem to find one person who will bend to their will. I would suggest that you stop being your mom's only social outlet. Just stop. You work, you're pregnant, you have a husband and you have a life. Have mom over for dinner on Sunday's or designate one day during the week when you're able to help her but create some boundaries ASAP.