Our parents live on about $1200 a month and pay almost half of that in health care premiums. They live in a remote desert town with minimal healthcare services. Our father is 89 and still driving when he probably shouldn't be. They are stubborn and won't take advice. We can't afford anywhere else for them to live and we can no longer always provide the transportation and help they need. They make bad decisions and cause more problems for themselves.
Grace + peace,
Bob
Perhaps the best you can do is to help put in place systems that will protect them to the extent possible.
For the car breakdowns, such as flat tires, etc., get AAA or some other road service. To stop them from driving, first locate alternate transportation services before you can any action that would leave them stranded at home.
Upgrade their house to prevent falls, install exterior motion lights, security sensors, a lock box outside for emergency personnel, alert the local fire and police departments, ask if periodic wellness checks can be made, arrange for meals on wheels, etc.
Honestly, even if they lived next door to you, with all the precautions available, there still could be that one moment when something happens that changes everything.
I've spent hours agonizing over how to protect my father and am still battling with the concept that there's a limited amount I can do. You could even get in-facility care in assisted or independent living and one moment of inattentiveness could cause a fall that could change their lives.
The difficulty in caring is acknowledging and accepting (easier said than done) that these are high risk situations and there's a limited amount we can do to protect our loved ones.
I'm not saying give up or just accept their situation - but rather do as much as you can think of to protect them, recognizing their independence and refusal to accept change to a safer living environment.
Her. This doesn't need to be your family. Speak to them, be up front. Hope that they can reason. If not speak to primary care physician. Call Your driving agency, report it. The worst thing is to do nothing!
The good news is that there are steps you can take. The business of unsafe driving is the most pressing as the consequences of an error can be dire. You can research online the policies for drivers' licenses in their state. More and more states are responding to this dilemma with a process to report an unsafe driver without identifying the reporter. The state sends the elder a letter simply requiring them to report to the Dept. of Motor Vehicles for a standard driving test. The letter states the testing is mandatory with suspension of license for failure to appear.
No doubt there will be grumbling or worse, but you can play dumb and sympathize with what an inconvenience it is. A driving test will either clear him as safe or confirm your fears with a subsequent revocation of his license.
As to keeping an eye out, the others who have responded have great ideas. All you can do is alert the local "boots on the ground" about your fears and provide your contact information. Neighbors, clergy, physicians and the Dept. of Social Services can receive this heads up.
Families facing obstinacy in an elder often can only wait for a difficult event to break through the determination to remain independent. It may take a broken hip, a loss of a driver’s license, a disconnection of the electricity for an unpaid invoice to crack open a door to accepting help. Waiting is the hardest thing to do, but laws to protect the individual's right to make their own bad choices are tight.
Do what you can and pray for it not to take too great a fiasco to get through to them. Good luck and God bless!
Then, I would try to stay with them for 24 hrs, to see just how bad things are in the house. Are they really caring for themselves.
Why such a high insurance premium? I've never heard of someone paying those high prices.
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