What do we do with our parents who live in a remote town and make unsafe decisions?

Ok. They are not independent, really, and they are not safe. You could ask for a DMV evaluation or a specialized OT evaluation and see if that will get Dad off the road. I'm sorry for him and for you, but he needs to be off the road. With $1200 a month income between the two of them, they need a cheaper health plan and they will qualify for Medicaid or PPACA-based care, unless they have assets beyond house and car you don't know about. They need help understanding this and navigating the system, that's for sure. Remote and rural may be a bad fit for them, unless there is a local Area Agency on Aging that can fill the gap. Realize too that Dad is not necessarily going to be "independent until I die" but sort of semi-independent until something bad enough happens that he can't be anymore. If your best efforts - getting POA, maybe even APS or guardianship though it may not be that bad "yet" fail and the bad thing does happen, it will not be your fault. Ia55cagirl is right about things too...so hey, welcome to the hit-your-head-on-the-wall club. Hope we can cushion the blows a little here.

Again, never ever ever touch someone else's car unless you want the risk of getting in legal trouble. All the rightful owner has to do is catch you in the act of tampering with their car and have the cops right on your back, especially if there are other witnesses around. It's not worth risking getting in trouble over, so leave the car alone no matter what some TV show said. Let the authorities do their job since they are proper authorities who are in the position to have the car pulled over and safely towed to an impound lot. The proper authorities do this kind of thing every day, and this would be no different for them.

What you can do while waiting for the cops to arrive is block by a car in. This would be a far better alternative messing with someone else's car.

#1 need-prayer, #2 thinking about applying for Medicaid, #3 dad stops driving before he has a vehicular manslaughter charge on his record and #5 this generation can get by a sliver of soap, e.g. very little.

Hopefully there is little traffic in the wide open spaces, when your father gets behind the wheel of the car. If he is still cleared to drive, both of them are still getting around, and don't have dementia or Alzheimers, sounds like they want to stay there till the bitter end. I don't know how you can force them to move, etc. until something bad happens. Can you arrange for a neighbor to keep an eye out for anything amiss?

until the neighbor's get tired of it, like my dad's did; maybe they were trying to force the issue; if he hadn't had a grandson in the area who finally agreed - yes, he did, after a bad fall after which the VA helped us, actually they're the ones, the social worker at his local clinic, who told us about the homemaker/home health aide program they have, and got her for us, coming in every day for 4 hrs. and yes, somewhat running errands, although dad was still driving as well, when he shouldn't have been, too, finding out about accidents after the fact, not actually finding out about the one involving someone else in the next town over until way later that had to involve his insurance by his agent telling him that another one and his insurance would be cancelled, so they evidently didn't let it go, but has anyone considered his eyesight? turns out dad had extremely bad cataracts that needed to be removed but he'd been so busy trying to take care of mom that he hadn't been to the eye doctor himself and was almost too late by the time he went; also his local VA doc - and if your dad goes to the VA he must have a local one as well; don't know of anywhere where the closest local would be 2 hrs. away, maybe the ER, yes, but not the local - is the one who said he wasn't able to make that 2 hr. trip that he'd been having to make as well, not for ER, but for specialty docs, but he's also the one that approved him to go to local ER and them pay but especially if your parents are paying that much for insurance, don't see anyway that's just for Medicare so they should be having a supplement and at that rate shouldn't be having high deductibles and actually not sure should be having any anyway no matter what, at least my dad never did and think just read somewhere they're not supposed to but places are "billing" anyway just to get people like your and my parents - these WWII era people that believe in paying their bills to pay more than what the insurance is paying so might also be something to check into - but, yes, right, they can get by on nothing, good thing they're veterans. Also the police did stop my dad after that one evening as he was coming home from church he had to make a left hand turn onto his street and he thought the street light was an oncoming car so he stopped for forever, had traffic backed up for miles, seemingly so apparently somebody called the cops but he finally drove on to the next street where guess there wasn't a light and turned but then not sure if he then missed his street coming from the other way because he wound up basically back up on the main road where two of them closed him in; one of them left his car, got in dad's and drove him home while the other one followed them and told him not to drive after dark anymore so that ended him driving to church at night so that might be something. I'd really encourage you to see about the VA program because I seriously doubt the local AAA will/can do anything with them being so rural, at least that's the way it is here; in theory maybe but in reality they can't seem to find anybody to service the rural areas.

Also check into the Aid and Attendance VA program people talk about on here; at that income, especially for both of them, they should easily get it, well, assuming they need it, which is somewhat the question here, isn't it? after dad fell, I learned about it but, true, it wasn't actually until he got grandson moved in with him that he got it; he was going to sell his house and move into assisted living but your parents aren't there yet, either; he did say before then that if we had fixed and/or found him a place to live he would have moved closer to me but you say you don't have the means to do that, not even if they sell their house? - at least assuming they have one but considering where it is, is it sellable? we didn't think we could either - or, rather in my case, hub didn't, but I think we could have, considering some other things, think lots of times depends on what really want to do, not saying in your case, just mine, but just wondering if maybe that's what your parents are dealing with, them thinking they don't have the means and neither do any of their kids to help them so what else can they do? also re the driving, even after dad had his cataract surgery, maybe because he'd waited so long, but anyway he ended up with glaucoma and that's when his eye doctor said for him to quit driving. I had a good relationship with dad's VA doc; wonder if you know, by any chance, if your dad's told his doc he doesn't want 911 or the ambulance called; he can do that, you know; dad was going to tell his doctor that at his next appt. but things happened before he got a chance to; he didn't want to go through all that either. Also you can have social services come make a visit but unless things are much worse than what you're describing, as bad as you think they are or could get, unless they're actually there, they're probably not going to force anything - elder rights are very strong for just that reason but like someone said it could at least protect you; they might contact their doctor but only if they tell them who it is; also the VA never came out to see my dad as long as he could get to them, which was as long as; he didn't want them coming to see him, either, just like hub's uncle and, besides, their current doctor has to approve the "rural health option", as it was called anyway, so you can't do it by stealth; again, for the same reasons, the VA is very protective of their veteran's rights, so they have to request it themselves and besides, even though I've heard that mileage as being the requirement as well, what the local VA clinic told me was the exact opposite, that they won't go that far; that's the mileage at which they will pay, however, for you to go to a nonVA clinic, if the VA clinic is that far away, but possibly any clinic is if they live in that remote an area, not even in a town at all? it is a hard situation in that case, like where we are with hub's aunt and uncle; oftentimes they just really want to get out and go somewhere, at least his aunt and my mom did so I tried to take her to the store so she could; aunt never gets to go anywhere I don't think; seems one issue I'm reading as far as things to do to their house is the lack of funds to do any of that with; otherwise, the whole remote internet monitoring would be a good thing to set up; I'm just glad we had an understanding doctor when the time came that agreed that we'd given him as much independence as we could to live the way he wanted

It would be helpful for your parents and family to contact an Aging Life Care Professional (Geriatric Care Manager) who can assess the situation and develop a plan of action to include the safety, well-being and advocacy of your parents. There are resources available to assist your parents, which an ALCP/GCM can put together for you. Good luck to all of you...

I lost my grandmother yesterday from injuries she sustained from being run over by her own vechile Dec 16. She suffered a devastating injuries to her legs and ensured 4 weeks of pure agony. We brought her home at her request with me serving as her primary caregiver for her last days. This was a horrific accident. I have worked in long term care for +20 years and have seen many thing in this population but never in my mind could a projected anything like this. It leaves me asking questions? What could have been done? Why? I am angry that the medical personnel in her life, her primary care physician's did a report that to the department of transportation as she was undergoing treatment for dementia for several years. Our families questioned her ability to drive and of course came under fire from both her my grandfather when we did so . I've seen this population become very bitter about losing their independence about driving but killing Themselves or someone else is certainly the worst case scenario. Our family is devastated. I find myself searching for ways to reach other people, communicate what happened to us in hopes of preventing this from occurring to others in the future. There are not enough agencies to help people who can't drive . It's something I'm going to look into . What can I do now? Although her journey is over mine continues w a message from
Her. This doesn't need to be your family. Speak to them, be up front. Hope that they can reason. If not speak to primary care physician. Call Your driving agency, report it. The worst thing is to do nothing!

My mom was pretty far gone, getting lost driving was the last straw. She took a fall in her house one day and in all the hub bub of people getting her up, examined, etc. I ran around and took all the car keys off key rings I could find. I knew where the extra keys were hidden, too. She called me up a time or two asking if I had any spare car key, but that was really all, guess I was lucky! I had her nephew move her car to his house and we sold it for cash....Now, I have heard of people selling a parent's car and using the money to set up an account with a local taxi service. The same driver would come as often as possible, take them to the dollar store, grocery shopping, to church. It sounds a bit expensive to me, but this didn't go on forever as their conditions (physical and cognitive) declined, and it seemed to work out well from what I'd read.

Having health insurance in addition to the VA is something my brother does for my Dad only because he might like a second opinion. Technically the VA does it all, and nothing more should be needed. They might be wasting what little money they have on that extra health insurance policy. the VA even provides cheap prescriptions. And a law passed recently that says you don't have to drive that far to a VA, they must come to you.

or go to a doctor of your choice

When dealing with obstinate people in a much different wavelength, the only thing you can do is make a couple of suggestions and let them take it from there. They know paying those exorbitant premiums doesn't make sense when you're living in a one-clinic town. There must be a method to their madness, but you can't see it.

Unless they're on self-destruct mode let them make their own decisions and live their lives as they choose. At their age, the last thing you need is someone telling them what to do.

Sorry, I'm having one of those days when my brain is set on Portuguese and expressing my thoughts in English is a challenge.

I am faced with the same problem. My father is an hour away and we lost my mother in June. He had a brain tumor and then surgery and is actually doing a bit better than he was before the surgery since we did not know what was causing his decline and found out this. However, I brought him to my house for awhile to recover and he was impossible to deal with because all he wants to do is be at home. The hospital insisted on a nursing home and he told us that he would refuse all treatment and food and just die. I am sure that this would have been the case. He has a cat and his home and just wants to stay there. My sister and I go every other weekend and shop for him and he has a housekeeper and great neighbors. I think that he is not getting enough nutrition and I worry that he will burn the house down with his smoking but how can you make someone move if they are not willing and all of the doctors say he is competent to make his own decisions? He is not driving YET because each doctor says that the other doctor has to sign off and we have several to see! He refuses meals on wheels or any other senior service and says he will not be put in assisted living and made to play cards etc with a bunch of "old people;" He is 85. Is there much else we can do?

Nano, your dad sounds more functional and is clearly competent, with really a pretty good support system, as long as he is actually taking care of himself OK, other than smoking, and the house is not a wreck. At an hour away, you can always order him a pizza when you can't get there. This sort of situation really calls for a specialized OT driving evaluation before asking docs to sign off or just assume he is not able, if he was OK before. Things may get to a point where this is not going to work anymore, it's true, but it sounds like you are not there yet.

Nano, does your dad smoke inside his house? mine, at least for the most part, really, at least confined his smoking to his attached garage, thankfully, for the day he dropped his butt in his recliner but also thankful for great neighbors but even so they just "happened" to be going by and see the smoke coming out from under the door and went in and got him out - would his do that? Can his housekeeper also shop for him, like dad's could? she didn't often; he was still driving at that point, then he did eventually, on his own, sign up for the homebound meals, so maybe yours might as well but at 85 he wasn't thinking in terms of assisted living either

Not sure if original poster is still around but as a Vet have to say his parents must be totally confused about their medical care options! Number one if they primarily use the VA hopefully only mom is paying for a medicare supplement. Two in an emergency you have the right to go to the LOCAL ER. Someone just needs to call the VA within a certain time, 48 hours?, and get the care authorized and they will pay. Will arrange for transfer to VA hospital if situation warrants. And third, the new Veterans Choice program allows you to choose a local doctor if the VA is too far, can't provide the needed service or the wait is over 30 days for a needed service or specialist.
So, like the 911 confusion, there are many things your parents dont understand - in their defense it IS confusing - someone in the family really needs to get the facts and advocate for them. It might save an awful lot of mis steps and pain for them and you!

Jcarroll616: I am so sorry for your loss. I'm trying to picture how this occurred...was she not putting the car in park while trying to get into the vehicle? Or did someone else get behind the wheel of her vehicle and not know she was standing behind it? I don't know. My own brother has run over his wife twice in his driveway because their lives are so frantic. His wife lived, though. I just can't imagine doing that!