<p class="">Hi Everyone. This forum is a godsend. I lurk and learn so much. My mom is 83, worked so hard her whole life and is still quite independent. She still drives and is mentally sharp. She has some pain from joints but overall does well. My problem is it is soooo hard to be around her! I love her alot but it fills me with knots being in her presence because of her negativity and inability to allow others to express themselves. She has always been this way. I know I cant change her. She takes everything as criticism, gets defensive, etc. She grew up with 8 siblings and never got her emotional needs met. I get it. I grew up the same way but after a lifetime of therapy, I am better but heaven forbid I cry in front of her. She cannot handle it. Looks away, gets physically uncomfortable. I know it's not her fault but it riles me up inside to be shut down anytime I try to express anything be it a concern, feeling etc. I grew up totally emotionally abused and suffered my entire life with bulimia. I need tips to be able to be around someone who is headstrong, passive-aggressive, emotionally void. I feel like nothing ever gets resolved because she gets so defensive and takes it as a personal attack and says Im "fighting with her". She is controlling and I have never heard her say "Im sorry" to anyone because she feels it's a sign of weakness. She constantly tells me what to do and any attempt to stop that behavior is met with hetrgetting mad. She truly is a wonderful person but was/is unavailable emotionally. Help!! Thanks in advance to all of the amazing rockstars on this site!
You can't have it both ways. Which is she? She doesn't sound like a "truly wonderful person". Based on what evidence?
You basically described my Mother, who many years ago had the nerve to say to my face, "We don't have the type of relationship that other mothers and daughters have." Hahahahaha! Ya think?
So I've gotten over the expectation that she just will ever fill that role.
Expectations = premeditated anger
Therefore, stop expecting your Mother to be "motherly". You keep wanting her to be someone she isn't capable/willing to be, and never was. You will need to get "mothering" from elsewhere now (or at my age, 64, I think I'm beyond needing it since now *I'm* the mother).
Therapy is good and so happy it has helped you.
The way I deal with my Mother is to spend as little time with her as possible (she lives next door to me, is single and I'm her PoA). I know my boundaries and am not afraid to point them out to her. When her behavior gets inappropriate I warn her, then if she persists, I just walk out. I ignore her negativity completely and again, will walk away if she persists. Vote with your feet. And I don't feel guilty about it because we don't get to choose our relatives, we can only choose how we interact with them, if at all.
I'm not responsible for my Mother's happiness. I'm not her entertainment committee. Neither are you. That's how I deal with someone like her.
It finally came down to whether it was her or me, I chose me, 13 years later I have no regrets.
I would cut back on my dealings with her, take time to heal yourself, set your boundaries and stick to them.
Sending support your way!
You don't try to get your emotional needs met by her.
You find friends who accept you for who you are
You stop thinking that she will ever accept responsibility.
I'm truly sorry that you didn't get the mother you needed or deserved.
That much should be clear.
You must change your SELF.
Limit your visits. Find a good supportive group of friends to do the "mothering" and "companionship" you might get from a parent without the limitations your Mom has.
You are good at recognizing your mother's limitations.
You have not, however, ACCEPTED them as a given in your life.
And you have not accepted that this won't change; that only YOU will need to change your own life.
I can just suggest that you stay in therapy. It is clearly helping you. But it hasn't yet come to the magic moment of KNOWING her limitations, KNOWING they are permanent, and KNOWING you must move on.
You are a grownup. Only humans, in all the animal world, stay around parents all their lives. All other animals move on. I think actually the latter works better overall, but this is the way we evolved. You need to come to peace with the REALITY.
I sure do suggest listening to the Podcast Dr Laura's Call of the Day. She is just the best at letting people know that not everything can be fixed. Some things just require you moving through them and beyond them, being polite and understanding that nothing will change.