Please don’t think I am the worst daughter on earth...

I know how you feel. My mom lived with us when she had Alzheimer's. I'm an only child too, so it was all up to my husband and me. We indeed had a mess of stress, I even wrote a book about it, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." We tried Assisted Living for my mom, but it just didn't work. If Assisted Living doesn't work for you, (for him), I have some suggestions: are there any Senior Centers nearby where he could go for a few hours a day? Some senior centers here provide free transportation to their sites, and they have arts and crafts, discussion groups, they provide lunch, etc., for seniors of all mental capacities. Another option would be to have an aide come to your house for a few hours a day, and maybe help your dad shower, if he needs help in that regard, maybe take him for a walk, play cards with him, etc.  That would relieve you of some stress, anyway. Best of luck (with everything).

Your father is blessed to have a loving daughter like you, but your husband and children have priority. You don’t have to be Superwoman.
I used ‘A Place For Mom’ and they were very helpful and helped me determine what level of care my mother might need and what facilities to visit.
I did learn that I needed to go with my mother for Dr.s appts., and in advance let the Dr. know she had Dementia, so they couldn’t always believe what she might tell them.
May God give you guidance and comfort as you make difficult, but necessary decisions.

I opened my conversation with my mother with the words, “it’s time for you to move”

Can you arrange a "respite" stay for him at an Independent Living or Assisted Living facility that he would like? It may be that once he finds that in Independent or Assisted Living "everything will be done for him" there as well. And he will have socialization, the opportunity to take trips, join groups or clubs. He may even find that the chaos of living with a young family is a bit much and he will like the more relaxed living in a Independent or Assisted Living facility more to his liking.

By the way side note here....You are a mom to a toddler, almost 9 months pregnant..you are exhausted even without your dad living with you, I think spontaneity and romance are on the back burner for a little while anyway ;)

A few other options that might push your dad to the Independent or Assisted Living thinking tell him that you are exhausted and you are going to need more help and this is a list of chores that he can do:
His laundry, as well as all the towels, bedding (stuff that can't be ruined)
Vacuuming,
Dishes after each meal. Including pots, pans and putting all away.
And any other tasks that you think he would do.
Once he understands that being part of a family means doing chores...(does this sound like something that he may have told you when you were a kid?)

If he has the money to afford Independent or Assisted Living then maybe he should pay "rent" and you can use the rent money to pay for help that will come in and help clean, do some laundry and in general take some work off your shoulders. I would think a "fair" rent would be 1/3 of your expenses for the monthly upkeep of the house. That might even give you a bit to "bank" for the future. Call it the kids college fund.

Oh...and no you are not the "worst daughter on the face of the earth"!

Although I'm older than you, I felt the same, it was my mother. I could only handle her for 6 months. She would get violent with me and I take care of my grandchildren so I couldn't have her here. We ended up putting her in assisted living which she didn't like, but got used to. It ended up to be much better than keeping her with us. I also felt a break coming, it's just too much. My mom died of a stroke last month. But I think assissted living was the right decision.

I am a senior parent...as painful as it is your Dad needs to move somewhere where he has company his own age...it is not good for parents to live with their children..it almost always leads to problems....look into your community to find out what is available. It will hurt during the transition
but it will save your relationship with him and your family.

Omg girl I feel your pain! I’ve been waiting for a question like this for so long!!!!! My mom is 84 has lived with me for 6 years and I feel the same way! She won’t go anywhere either. I am 53 and have the most amazing husband as well, but I’m just done. I am getting it from all angles. My relatives think I should keep her until she can’t remember me, my brother wants to put her in a facility, BUT no one helps me at all. When I take her to a relatives house for maybe a couple hours, they want to know when am I coming back to get her. My brother lives far away and came home one week so I could go on vacation and he wanted to put her somewhere that first day!!!!! She refuses to go anywhere, says she will kill herself before I put her into a home, she is stubborn as hell, acts totally different around my husband (Sweet) but with me all day it could go from 0-100 in a second! She has Vadcular Dementia mixed with Alzheimer’s now. Some days I just absolutely want to lose it! So the answer to your question, I don’t think you are wrong for feeling the way you do!!!

Without any intent to sound trite "I feel your pain and frustration"! I am almost 86 years old and the sole caregiver for my 83 yr old wife who is unable to care for herself. I am pretty disciplined when it comes to handling stress, but I have my up's and down's emotionally. Don't feel bad about yourself. You and your family have your own lives to live, and I applaud you for what you have done so far! If your Dad is financially able he should move out on his own, possibly to an assisted living facility. When I was young, my retired Dad came to live with us, but I ended up having to tell him to get his own place. I explained to him that it was too stressful on our marriage and home life for him to stay any longer! He did so, and he got over it! Maybe someone like one of his close friends, a minister , or a family physician, can have a very frank talk with your Dad! If he is not self-centered and helpless he will make the move and learn to live with it!.

Let me start by saying: There is NO bad time to post here. We're from all over the world and there is always someone reading thru to find answers, direction, advice or just someone to vent to. You have a reason to be on edge; you're family is about to get bigger. I can tell how much you're stressed and I completely understand. Also, don't feel like you're letting Anyone down or not Good enough of...Anything...because You Are a wonderful, loving daughter to do what you've done so far. I won't assume anything but I need to ask for some clarification: Does your Dad have any physical limitations? How far along is his Dem/ALZ? Finally, the last and most important question: Has your obstetrician made Any sort of comment that your health is starting to suffer? If your Dad is with you because he has occasional "moments" of forgetfulness but is otherwise capable of doing the basic household chores such as dusting, vacuuming, dishes (or putting them away) then have him do it. You need to convince him, in a way that will make him feel that it's really going to help you out a lot; a.k.a. those big sad Daughter eyes. If his physical abilities are further diminished but he can still do small things, maybe find some type of craft that he and your son/daughter can do together to keep him occupied like making Styrofoam ornaments, woven potholders, paint by numbers or ceramic figurines etc...that they could give as presents or keep at home as decorations. If that's possible, then do it everyday at a set time so you'll know you'll have some time to relax and he'll be occupied for a while. A lot of Dem/ALZ sufferers experience Sundowners Syndrome; whether this is the case or not; the daily activity might help ease some frustration he might be having but not saying or unable to say. He might actually enjoy it and if the senior services center there; like like the one here in my town has a crafts sale once a month; he might be able to make some money. Over the last few years I did by some painted figurines from there to give as presents to my little nieces and they loved them; I kept a large clown the guy painted up as Emmett Kelly's "Weary Willie" and he said; in the spring when his arthritis eases up; he'll do a painting of him for me (can't wait to get it). Try that for a little bit, if you can handle him a bit longer and see if it helps. If it doesn't help, then You and your Husband should sit down together and talk about an AL/Senior community for your Dad to move to. Some people can deal with more than others and there's nothing that you should feel bad about. You had him move in with you so both of you could be happy but when it gets too stressful, resentment builds and one or both of you will suffer. I knowthat neither You or your Dad wants that. I know this was a little bit; probably a Lot a bit; all over the board but I'm on another 72 hour day so I'm a little scatterbrained myself. GOD Bless You and Your family. My prayers are on their way to you.

Don't feel bad. I helped my parents stay at home as long as they could. Then in October 2017 everything fell apart. In addition, I started a new job. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. If I had gotten sick, the situation would not have been any different. Take care of yourself. You will outlive your dad and you want a quality of life for yourself and you family. You have done a good job taking care of him. It might be time for assisted living.

I think everyone on this post as a caretaker feels resentment and guilt at least once in awhile (I'm going out on a limb and say it's even more than that), and so no one should condemn you. It's particularly hard on you because you are still young. I am 56, but I've raised my family, my husband is deceased, and I am near the end of my career, so I don't have to sacrifice as much for my mom. Even so, when we had to find more supported living accommodations for my mother, I didn't even consider having her live with me. I do a lot for her, but I need a life as well, and I knew I wouldn't have one.
I researched independent living facilities for seniors at "A Place for Mom". They were so helpful, and I was able to narrow down places that would do a lot for her like cook meals, provide maid service, and plan activities. Then I took her to those places and asked her to choose one. It sounds like your father has financial resources, so I suggest you do this and then ask him to pick one place where he will be comfortable. The only option should not be living with you. My Mom was angry with me, but she is now quite happy and I still visit her all the time...my favorite thing is that many times she asks me not to visit because she's busy with her friends and activities. Our relationship has also improved because we are less pressured. My mother has Alzheimer's, is legally blind due to macular degeneration, and has congestive heart failure, so dealing with those things is tough enough for her and for me without adding other issues into the mix. It must be frustrating for your dad as well because his life is more limited, so places like senior living residences will offer him opportunities to enjoy his life. The upside is that you will find that you can enjoy being with him again, and for the times you can't there's your car and the road back to your own house.

While you can't help how you feel you can help how you respond to those feelings. Of course you feel like a bad daughter, but that doesn't mean you are. Your situation with a new one on the way is already tense. When that baby arrives you will need your full strength for that baby. Your husband hopefully will help with your other child and taking care of the house. But it would be unfair to expect him to take care of your father as well. You might want to have a sit down with dad and tell him facts. If that doesn't work you and your husband might try just taking care of you and the little ones, leaving dad to fend for himself for a brief period ie. laundry, food etc. It just might make him see that you are overwhelmed. If it doesn't then you will need to start looking into assisted living places nearby. You can tell dad that you will come visit and still include him in your life but he may no longer use you as unpaid help. Good luck!

Please do not feel bad. I truly understand your situation and how stressful it can be for you.

Sounds like he may be ready for assisted living. Don't feel guilty for it, but it may be time. There will be a lot of resentment even if he does move to assisted living. I have seen this a lot. I work in the industry. Speak with his doctor over your concerns. You may be able to get respite care where you can leave him for a couple of weeks. Sometimes just to give you a break and him! There may even be programs you can send him to daily or weekly; like an adult daycare. At his age do try to cherish the time left. He wont be around forever; dont do anything you will regret later. Good luck.

You are Not by Far, The Worst daughter, Instead, AN ANGEL. Many like you have Dad Move in with them, It ends up to be a Hellion on Wheels, Such as no More Meals on Wheels.
Might I suggest Beginning to make arrangements for Bad Dad to Go into a Nursing facility, Such as a Rest Home. make sure his Affairs are in Order, Or Medicaid will Take every single Dime of his Money, honey. Look into this and make sure you have a Living Trust that Dad has Put you in or Check into this NOW.
You need time in your Own at Home Life of Strife, It seems You are Following up right behind him and will Get Old and Gray just Caring for him and with Dad...He just gets more Difficult as he Gets Older and Bolder...

It's time for the heart-to-heart talk with dad. It's just too much with soon-to-be 2 young children...the family needs its space. And you need a break.
He's in a different time of his life than you are.
Hopefully, he'll understand. If he doesn't, well, that's life. Tell him you love him yet this is how it's gotta be.
Be reassuring that a good fit will be found for him (he'll adjust). Then visit him and invite him over for Sunday dinners or something.
It's rough caring for elders. They are children that can and do say NO (!) Tough love, sister!

All the best!

I really feel for you as I was feeling those same feelings last year before my dad died of Mesothelioma in Sept. I am 58 and my brother is 51. My large family (7 kids) are all grown and I'm divorced and lived 2 hours from my dad. My brothers kids are young and he is married living 3 hours away from dad. He has a "good" job and I am a nanny for a family I have been with for almost 6 years. So everyone thought after mom passed that I should leave my job and move in with dad, since I live in a mobile home and my dad had a big beautiful house on a Lake. Well I took a "leave" for a few months and moved in and I went NUTS! Nothing I did was right. I didn't cook like mom, didn't dress like mom, didn't wanna do the things mom liked to do. OMG it never eneded and he wouldn't listen to anything I said. He believed he BEAT his cancer but I believe it had gone to his brain by the end. I got so stressed I got sick myself with Sacroidosis. It is an inflammatory disease that can shed due to stress. It causes nodes and grandulomas to grow in your lungs, chest, skin and eyes. I was so sick but still cared for him til the end. He eventually fell and broke his back. Something that certainly could have been avoided if he had listened to us all and let us help him. Sad. So my life was totally turned upside down. I was lucky my boss was so understanding. She is from India and the value of the elderly is completely different than here. They did all they could to help me and I went back when I could. But I am so sick now and might need to go on disability if my sight continues to get worse. While living at my dad's I fought with everyone. It felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I found him a wonderful assisted living 20 min. from my home with an open apartment that was brand new. He belittled me in front of all the staff there and said I had no idea how to manage money and that is why I live in a trailer. LOL totally untrue as he has no idea of my finances or life. But it was very embarrising to say the least and my son and his girlfriend were with me so that made it even worse. It was a two hour drive home that was absolute hell. I had just lost my beloved mom 5 mos. before and hadn't even had time to grieve. I was literally falling apart. I was getting no sleep as dad would wander at night. He fired all the hospice CNA's and would leave when he had scheduled therapy appointments. He insisted on going for his drivers lic. renewal. All of his neighbors complained to he registry but they could do nothing. He still had his rights. So he got it and was dead a week later, before he got the chance to kill someone on the road. So you are not alone. Take some time and think about what you can handle. Tell people what you can do and do no more. Get as many services as you can. Look at the places you may need down the road so you arn't caught off guard like I was. Running around once something happens to check out places. Some are great, some are really not. But most of all give your family the attention they need. You CAN do it all but with the right kind of help. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I miss my parents so much and I rest my head on the pillow everynight knowing I did all I could. I think its something we are never truely prepared for. These are the people who cared for US. But with love and help you will get thru. Best of Luck!

Your father does need a new place to live. Two small children should get your total attention. You must be exhausted and you need to take care of yourself.
The part I don’t understand is the people who all are supporting you but turned on the man who wanted his wife’s parent out. Granted, the wife wanted to keep her parent but the husband did not. I guess the support depends on the writer.....

You are not the worst daughter in the world. I am and my Mother tells me I am daily.
Save yourself, your marriage and your family. You, your husband and your children must come first. Time for your father to live out the remainder of his life in an environment of his peers, in a level of care that is appropriate for his needs (professionals will assist you in determining this). I wish you all the best.

No medals for martyrs. Time to own your own life since he can be moved to assisted living. From my experience HE will probably be happier there.

First of all know that YOU and hubby are the ones with the power and in charge...not dad. So no use giving your power away to him. What you are wanting are boundaries...where he has his home and you have yours. Doing that will allow a better relationship between all concerned. It’s stressful enough being a mom with a new baby in the home without an elder who is demanding of you. Be up front and tell him you need him to move out and that you will help him find a suitable place. That your doctor said this is necessary for your health. As someone else said...he’s had his life now it’s time he let you have yours. You are too young a family for all this. Best to you and let us know what happens .

Assisted living. Start looking and don't second guess yourself. And please don't feel a need to explain your actions. You've done the best you can, that's clear. Best.

I feel the same - in the UK. My mam is driving me nuts; with the little idiosyncrasies. She and me have to part; this year; asap.

I completely understand your situation and am living it myself! I love my Dad with all my heart and fully support the concept of multi generational homes. That being said, shortly after he moved in, I felt like he had taken over my house. I’d wipe the kitchen down before leaving for work - it would be filthy when I returned home. Cookie crumbs everywhere; he started giving my dog his leftovers - now the dog is horrible anytime anyone eats! He wouldn’t shower or change his clothes or his sheets so the house started to smell. I won’t even discuss his bathroom!! There weren’t enough hours in a day to keep the mess at bay (I also work 50 hr job)! Shortly after, he was diagnosed with LBD which explained some of the behaviors but didn’t improve my home life at all!!! No matter the reason why, I felt emotionally and physically exhausted - angry, resentful, regretted letting him move in, etc. I adored this man my whole life and then suddenly, just hearing him come up the stairs set me off internally!! I felt like he had taken over and was ruining my life, my marriage and my home life!!!

because I struggled with the guilt of “dumping” my Dad into a NH (and had made a promise never to do so), the best solution we came up with was adding an “apt” (en suite) to our house which we set up like an apt minus a stove or oven. We also insisted he hire someone to come in 2-4 times a month to clean, take him on errands etc. Othwise, he’d have to move out. He agreed and since its completion, I can breathe again!! I’m not jumping in to do it all for him and I have my part of the house back!! I own my part in the chaos - overtired, stressed, short tempered - even though Dad unintentionally made it rough. If your LO can afford to do this, it might be the answer to a difficult problem? Even during the days I would vent and cry, my husband and son would remind me that someday i will look back and miss hearing him come up the stairs. Good luck and congrats on the new baby!!

your children is a full time job, and eventually your dad will become a full-time job. The older they get the worse they become.
Look into assisted living (if he can still manage his own bowels and bladder, and feed himself) or nursing home (if he cannot manage his own bowels and bladder). You really need to live your own life especially with kids. Children will become a burden to you once they get older. Hopefully you have POA and estate planning done. If he is on Medicaid nursing home placement is easy. If not you will need to see an eldercare attorney--they have that five-year lookback law.

I live with my 89-year-old mom -- I love her more than anything but with end-stage Alzheimer's she is very very very hard work. I have frequent nightmares that she is going to die--I dream she is alive and well and turns into a skeleton in front of me. I sometimes take a nap and wake up screaming because I dreamed she died. Let's put it this way--if she dies I will not be able to function. She depends on me as much as I do her. That is what long-term caregiving does to a person. My life has become her constant attendant with every single need ranging from eating, toileting, bathing, etc. She is going to die and it could destroy me.

I have had my mum living with me for 13 years now and I'm almost 70. When others say to me I'm a good daughter and they don't know how I do it I respond by saying that up to the point where we moved her in with us, we had had a great life - children, holidays, good careers etc., and because of that we're happy to share our home and care for her. BUT you are a very young person, your life is just beginning, you have to experience being a mum and enjoy that time with your children - you can't continue to do everything for your father no matter how much you love him - he's being selfish and has expectations of you which are unreasonable. You have to get your marriage on a strong footing if it's to stand the test of time - so please, do some research and find your father a flat within easy reach so that he can enjoy seeing his grandchildren, and they can have a grandfather in their lives but not living with them and eventually becoming a burden. I am a bereavement counsellor and have some experience of people in their 40s who have lost a parent after having been pushed into a situation like yours - they can't grieve properly because underneath all the emotion is a deep resentment of the parent because they became a burden and essentially robbed them of their lives as young mums and dads. Please muster up the courage to tell your father that you are struggling and need your personal space. Your feelings are perfectly normal.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It is the most difficult thing anyone can do for their loved one but it isn’t worth it at the expense of your sanity. It sounds like you have your plate full. Take a deep breath. Only you know what you can handle without going over the edge. I’ve been there. I wasn’t an expecting mother with children and I was barely able to hold on til the end. It took its toll on me and months later I’m still trying to find some normalcy with sleep, anxiety etc. Take care of yourself or it will destroy you. If that means finding a home for your dad I’m sure he would understand.
He may end up loving the interaction of people his age.
Just be kind to yourself and don’t feel like you have to at the expense of you🌹💗. It’s okay. Prayers and love to you. It’s not easy.

Just keeping this short. Your dad needs to leave yours and into somewhere which is better suited for him, before you have a complete nervous breakdown and all your family will suffer. Don't know how you are coping at all. Kathleen

Have NO fear. You have Every right to demand for your dad to find other accommodations. Almost sounds like he has narcissistic personality.

Oh gosh...sending love and understanding. I don't know if I have any answers except to say I so understand the stress and burnout and can't imagine what you must be going through being pregnant. It must create so much guilt to think of evicting your own father. Any chance you can add on a separate unit for him and with his funds, in addition to someone cleaning up this added space. Here in the US they often call it a "granny flat" or similar.
In a way you answered it yourself, because you DO need your space. How did it happen that he moved in, in the first place?
I have lived with my elder parents and I don't know how we do it. It's immensely frustrating but I am here for them as they are for me. So there is tolerance. I am single with no children beyond my canine daughter. But the kitchen habits (eating ice cream out of the container, cross contamination, not washing glasses, just rinsing and putting them in the drain...and making messes which I am the one cleaning up) can wear a person down. So can their noise which wakes me when I might be able to finally get some sleep...
You've got I would think, to make some boundaries if he continues to stay, even if a real wall is added. So hard. On the bright side...maybe he will be of help with childcare??