At wit's end: my partner is the only child (60 yrs old) of a 95 yr old woman with significant psych problems: has been hospitalized for breakdowns, once laid down behind the wheels of our car because we wouldn't stay for tea. Now she is dying of CHF and severe aortic stenosis, lives an hour away. We hired excellent caregivers so we could continue to work: one caregiver was taken away in an ambulance. The second was fired. The third is wonderful, but she totally has my MIL's "number:" my MIL whimpers and cries that she's dying so we rush there, and when we leave, she acts totally normal. We thought for sure she was dying last night, and right after we left her house, she popped up off the couch and went UPSTAIRS to bed. MIL is apparently chasing her caregiver around the house to keep her from talking to my spouse; she tried to grab the wheel of the car in heavy traffic and began hitting the caregiver when she wouldn't comply.
My partner is being played like a violin; she's exhausted. MIL lies to her constantly, and partner takes the bait. It's killing her, and killing our marriage. MIL is seriously disturbed and will be a danger to everyone around her, including herself. I'm at a loss about what to do. Help.
It is so bad now that one can not get mad lest they be called an "instant" psycho......especially a woman.
Understand that most older folks suffer from angry outbursts..........many are chronically physically ill resulting in impaired judgement and uncontrolled emotions. Some feel like crap most of the time, especially if they are in a nursing home and many probably feel more like a slab of meat waiting for the slaughter house if they are living in a nursing home.
Dying and watching my body break down, feeling like crap, loosing all independence, and being at the mercy of some people who don't give a crap, much less even try to understand your lot, would be enough to set me over the edge!
In the first few days after DE's post, there followed what I thought were helpful suggestions about evaluations, nursing homes, even Hospice. But, DE, you posted on July 2nd, you put know information on the profile page and in your question you did not indicate that your MIL is a diagnosed psychotic. And for 19 days, even though you were asked questions, you did not contribute any additional information, kind of leaving all of us in the dark and I for one thinking you were either off doing something about it because of some guidance you felt you received or had lost interest in our responses.
I was just thinking about this a couple of days ago when I notice no more answers were being directed to you. One of your responders, "sj" posted in support of you with the story of her own which seem to have a lot of urgency. I notice: tell her situation pretty much preempted yours with the comments and answers that were being given. I was wondering what had happened to you, DE, in all of this.
Personally, this is volunteer work for me and, as an all volunteer work, the only payment or reward is satisfaction that we've been able to share what we've experienced if it can help somebody. l don't need a lot of accolades but I appreciate being appreciated.
So, now that we've read your question, considered some solutions and posted in return, spend time reading answers and checking back to see if you posted (which you didn't), all the while waiting to be able to say something supportive for your wife and you, how do you think it makes us feel when 19 days later you rather dismissively write, "but thanks all the same"?
I want to ask you to start with a clean slate, tell us if your MIL has a medical diagnosis and what if anything you've done since your first post on July 2nd. I'm sure we want to help, that's why we're here. Help us help the two of you ! !
If not, and she was a problem most of her adult life, then it's time to Throw Momma from the Train so to speak. Let her reap what she's sown, put her in a home, have your wife visit every couple weeks ( to help her avoid the guilt she'd feel if her mom passed with no recent visits ) and hopefully you'll be able to get one with your life.
On the other hand, if she was a loving mother most her life, and advanced old age and dementia has turned her into this monster... Then look at it as the terrible twos ( which often begin at 14 months and last through preschool) and think how she put up with them for her. Show more patience, make the drives, visit often enough so she doesn't feel she needs to act out in order to see you, and know that it won't be forever because she's dying.
If, after two or three scheduled visits a week she still does the "I'm dying" bit with the caretaker to get you to drive out there, have the caretaker call the ambulance and let them taker her to the hospital. A few trips to the hospital with them keeping her a few days each time (which they usually do to my dad) could cure her of her "little boy who cried wolf" syndrome.
Things have gotten worse as in my mother seems so far removed from reality and is not helping, she supports his bad behavior in her own self preservation and ignorance. She only sees what is for HER. If I get hurt, she does not get it, she kisses my fathers ASS even though he treats her like DIRT.
My father is holding a grudge still since this incident where he was approached by his employer about abuse, and had his gun taken from him at home, he still gets to wear it while he stares at the computer screen monitoring (with his 2% vision) LAUGHING aloud!
He is now moving his arsenal out of the house , when I asked he says AWAY. Whatever, he won't get past what he DID to get into this mess. My mother is either bi-polar, or heading into dementia she actually threatened to call the police because she said I made her ill? I called them for her.
I am not sure what to do, I hate being around my father, his behavior is sick, odd, and annoying he is a pathetic old man, I used to respect him, until I knew the truth about what makes him tick. I am convinced he is GAY in the closet and will take a army to get him to humble. His doctor visit was a bust he stonewalled them
I am sure others may think my comments are strong, have you ever felt like no matter where you turn you hit a wall. I used to be able to negotiate my way around all this, at some point when I had dental work done (root) canal on last lower molar, and Dentist failed to tell me he broke two instruments (Needles) one in tooth one outside of tooth while injecting Novocaine at the jaw, ear I am in constant pain, this has disabled me further. My father paid for one re-treatment, the Endo left most of the needle stuck at bottom of root and left the other piece of metal in the jaw, ear tissue. My father now won't even consider finishing the oral surgery needed financially. SO at some point I was in the process of getting a resolution, then my father had to get violent, and I had to speak out, and others reported it.
Now, he knows he promised to do this, he never asks, all he cares about is his GUNS, and his Men Friends....all of whom hate females..This further makes me frustrated, and I am just seeking some resolution or support.
I just tried to talk to him, he screams at me, tells me go away, just can't talk to me, WTF?
I have never been arrested, never had DUI, never smoked weed, never do drugs, never have inappropriate relationships, earned a degree, got excellent grades, yet I am a piece of shit in his 2% vision eyes....nothing will change his viewpoint of me, or any other female, when I earned $10k a month he still treated me the same.
I am hoping for some change, how is it that he runs around as much as he does at this age with poor vision? I notice he uses nasal sprays constantly? I wonder if he has some steroids in this medication, that could add to his aggressive behavior, grasping at straws here...
I have been offline for a week, I have been seeking a solution, and following up with agencies that I contacted to try and get help for my father, which fell flat, since I do not have POA at this point, I am hearing HIPPA quotes now from his physician, legally CYA I am sure. I took a comment here in a post too personally, felt I needed to try to seek a way out. Unfortunately I am stuck here, and employment is slim, I am going to keep trying, thank you all for your input, support..
It's part of documentation trail you need, to help protect yourself from the questionable & dangerous behaviors of your folks.
Call your nearest "Area Agency on Aging"--it might be several Cities away from you, but I think each County has one.
They have lists of possible helps.
You may not think there's any helps, but if you persist, maybe there might be....it might be you need to get to talk to the right person who answers the phone that day.
Not all workers know everything, or even enough to get by at their jobs--often volunteers.
Be persistent in calling Agencies back.
Even if you have to call the Suicide Prevention hotline--tell them what's going on.
Tell them you're at your wits' ends.
Tell them you are in need of protection, and don't know what to do.
Tell Social Workers the same thing.
It all adds up to a paper-trail that shows you are consistent in telling them the same data, and the picture is, you need help/protection.
Even those who think they have no help or assistance, usually do, -when- they determine to get that help.
It might not look like what you imagined--and it might be small helps at first.
It might be that they leave your folks where they are, & find you a safer place to be.
Please keep trying to find the helps you need!
Please keep us posted!