Should I continue to indulge my mom’s memory lapses and confabulation? They are becoming more difficult to ignore or gloss over.

I see a lot people asking, what do you gain by confronting your mother regarding her memory loss in the situation you described. I understand keeping the stress down and not causing additional problems, but I am wondering how you were feeling in the situation. Did you feel blamed and want to clear yourself? I think I would feel that way. My mother lives with me and is very, very detail oriented. There is a just right way to do EVERYTHING and she is coaching me constantly. I never knew how incompetent she thought I was until she moved in with my family, lol. I try very hard to please, and she is syrupy sweet and constantly thanking me, but there is an undercurrent of criticism. We don't have big blow ups, but if I get more direct about how this is making me feel she brushes it off, with "oh, your too sensitive". So yes, I treasure the time with her, and when she is gone, I worry that it will be difficult to forgive myself that I wasn't endlessly patient, but come on. I roll with her--because I love her!!!--and I will also roll with some of my own limitations now, and when she is gone, forgiving myself that I can't always be endlessly patient. This is part of being human. So, I don't know if this relates to your question about your Mom's memory issue, but I do understand if what you are feeling is a reticence to always take the fall when memory issues have created a situation. YOU matter, too, as well as your dear Mom.

It is not your responsibility to find your mother's purse for her. But you can distract her, walk away as if you are going to look for it, say nothing more about it. Bring her a snack when you do come back.

So very sorry she is declining and accusing you. It is her illness, not you.
Hoping the doctor has a solution for her.

I do't have much advice to offer, because I am sitting in my room, again, avoiding confrontation with my mother-in-law who lives with us (Alzheimer's). She is really getting crazy with her stories.... now she is making up stories about MY family and my life which she knows very little. She watches Hallmark movies a lot and we have notices items from the movies and plot lines invading her stories that we have heard over and over. A doctor once told us that the things remembered and reiterated the most come from times of mental or emotional trauma sometime in their life. I can believe it as we listen to some stories maybe 9-10 times during a meal. Yes, I get exhausted by the end of a day, sometimes sooner. Part of the issue is that both my husband and my MIL are very hard of hearing and I end up repeating most things 2-3 times. They both wear hearing aids but they don't always help, especially when she 'hides' them or takes them from their recharge station before they are charged. She often argues about her meds, which is another issue altogether. I have read all of these most helpful posts, I know in my head what I am supposed to do, but I don't always react the way I should. It IS the hardest thing I have ever undertaken. It is very wonderful that you have a loving relationship with your mom, my MIL and I never had a good relationship to begin with so this just makes it harder. Cherish what you can with her. I lost MY mom 3 months ago to a massive stroke but my MIL dismisses this as if it is nothing. She has become an incorrigable 2-year-old who cannot be ignored or corrected. I am having trouble with the 'be compassionate' part. That has all dissipated in our relationship. I hate this disease!

You cannot talk 'reason' to a person with brain chemistry that has changed.
* Some people will start to believe others, even family, are stealing or taking things.
* Research / google TEEPA SNOW and learn about the different types of dementia and symptoms, and how to communicate / cope.
* Do not set up a confrontational communication, i.e., correct her. You might want to try this out and see how it goes. Be patient with YOURself. Nothing is written in stone and this is like an adventure into the unknown.
* Try responding to what she may say and immediately redirect the conversation. She will likely repeat thoughts often.
* If she accuses you of something, 'try' to not take it personally.
* There is a fine line between honesty and being diplomatic, understanding how her brain is able to function. It'll take some time. Generally, NO one is prepared for a person to lose their mind due to dementia. Family find themselves in it and often don't know what to do (I work with families).
* It might help to respond in short statements and if you feel overwhelmed or unsure how to handle a moment / situation, say you need to get xxx or do xxx and leave the room to regroup. You may need to interrupt the communication before it escalates, and you lose your composure (which you most certainly will at times).
* If I were you, I would re-consider separate living spaces. It is understandable that you may (likely) not have known what you were getting into. Now that you have some experience, consider what your needs are (incl boundaries, energy, and understand the 24/7 care needs that will continue).
* You want to take care of yourself - first. Otherwise, you will not be available to take care of your mom without losing yourself and your health, and life-style. It is important you set boundaries - and if you aren't sure what they are, do some inner exploration -

What do you need - not 'just' emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually? How was it before your mom came and how has your life changed?
How have these changes affected you?
* How do you feel about setting boundaries? And what kind of boundaries?

* Do know that you aren't alone. It is much more challenging caring for a family member due to the history, triggers, emotional connection.
* I've been working with individuals in various stages of dementia / forgetfulness for over 8 years and I still can get pulled in. I try to be honest with my clients while extremely mindful of their brain chemistry. If I don't have a response in the moment, I might say "I need to think about that."
* I believe 110% that 're-arranging' the truth or reality is not only okay, it is often essential. Prepare yourself ahead of time with something she might say and practice some responses.
* I'd like you to consider what you've experienced in a very short time and realize another 1, 2, 10, 20 weeks, a year will progressively change. Consider how your roll and responsibilities will be and how your life, and the quality of your life, will change.
* If you need, see a social worker or therapist to help you sort this out.
P.S. Don't forget anti-anxiety meds. They can be a life saver - yours. Gena.

This kind of thing is a very common indicator that she is beginning to lose her ability to manage multiple pieces of information. It is a behavior that will increase in frequency, magnitude, and scope.

In terms of duration of time within this will unfold? Anyone's guess.

This has to be monitored and you have to ask yourself key and relevant questions:

Has she lost the capacity to:
-Bathe
-Walk
-Eat regularly
-Take her medications regularly
-Communicate what she is thinking
-Remain sufficiently cognizant of her surroundings so as not to make dangerous mundane errors such as leave the stove on, or leave sink running?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, a systematic review of her circumstances, and and honest assessment of your ability to assist or care for her is in order.

Often times these changes take place over a period of years, so it is relatively safe to say that you needn't panic, but be prudent and start researching and evaluating now.

Best of luck!

After reading similar stories to yours over the years that I've been active on this forum, I know that this will slowly drive you crazy as her memory lapses, confabulation and anger get worse. She may well live another 10+ years during which time her needs are only going to increase and your life will revolve ever more around trying to meet them. Do you have a longterm plan?

Teepa Snow is terrific. However, she is a professional who specializes in geriatrics and neuroscience. You will learn a great deal by watching her YouTube videos. Also keep in mind that you may reach a point where you no longer want to have your mother living with you and that is okay. Burnout is real risk among caregivers especially those who are caring for elders with dementia.