My mother is 104 and has dementia. I live with her in an independent senior apartment. She can function. She makes her own breakfast and lunch and does the dishes. She dresses herself, etc. She does confabulate and imagine things like our spoons are being stolen or we have a dog or we just moved here. When I come back from visiting 'my old life' in NY for a day, she thinks I was gone a week and that my cousin - who stays with her when I'm gone - had to be called to tell me to come back. I've been living with her for 3 3/4 years. I gave up my life to keep her company and take care of her. I need a break but it is stressful for me at the same time to take a break. Leaving her, she freaks out and asks continually, when am I going? when am I coming back? What time does Robin get here? Will I be alone? Where are you going? I feel guilty and worry when I leave her. It's stressful. It seems to slightly traumatize her but I get resentful if I don't. I just turned 70 and am single. I TRY to go about once a week. Now it's much less often. I'm naturally very social but the only people here to socialize with are much older than me. My cousin watches her but she has her own life and I don't get to hang out with her so often. Should I just not go into New York where my apartment is? It's a 2 hour trip each way. I pick up my mail and see my friends. Should I give that up and just do things locally? I hate this feeling of guilt and worry.
THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!!
Have fun!
Major thanks to everyone here who answered my distress call. I cannot even explain how each of your answers helped me in one way or another. I went home twice this week. Each time I left quickly and explained little. Thursday morning sometime after I told my mom I was going to NY she came in my room and announced: "I'm going to kill myself." I was proud of myself. I didn't respond. My cousin said she was great all day.
I feel I have a new lease on life in a way and thank each one of you for your advice and comments.
I find these statements very troubling. You must know that there are meds to control mom's emotions and moods, right? They should be used so that she'll be more comfortable, especially at times of stress like moving. As it is you have fashioned her psychological quirks into a huge bugaboo that keeps you from placing her in a situation that would be better for her and better for you. My question is why do you WANT to believe that she'd (1) go nuts (2) not survive (3) have instant nervous breakdown (4) become comatose? Just because they happened before doesn't mean they'd happen now. Her brain has changed and will continue to change. Do you perhaps have a need to be needed? This looks like enmeshment to me.
Yet your post shows an urge to break free, and you should. You're making too a great a sacrifice for mom. You could at least try the meds (on mom, but maybe yourself too). Find a counselor. And stop worrying about her (1) (2) (3) and (4) issues. At age 104, any of those could happen any time. Find a good memory care home for her, not an AL, and don't go (1) (2) (3) and (4) yourself. Resume life. I hope it's not too late for you to throw off the chains and be free.
I have chronic generalized anxiety disorder brought on by caregiving a mother who was like OPs mother , who I allowed to demand too much of me my entire life. My anxiety is my problem not my children’s. I would never want my child to live with me at a senior community and give up their life. It’s selfish for a parent to expect that .
Hire a caregiver who stays with your mother two weekends a month. Then you go to your apartment in NY and stay for the weekend. The caregiver will know how to reach you is she needs to and you don't even call home for those two days.
No one's entire life should only be caregiving and keeping someone else company. You deserve to have a life too. When your mother was 70 was her whole life just keeping her mother company and taking care of her needs? My guess is no.
A paid caregiver can keep her company a couple weekends a month. So hire one. Then maybe you can your cousin (the one who stays for your mother) can hang out a little bit and actually enjoy yourselves.
Also, if you leaving slightly traumatizes your mother so what. Pulling onto a highway slightly traumatizes me every time. Yet I do it every day. Your mother will be fine, trust me. Hire a caregiver who will come and stay two weekends a month and take back some of your life.
Some maybe just holding on to life & moving signifies a shift.. so they shift.. & let go.
Our wonderful poster Mid, experienced this with her MIL - who threated to die if she was moved into care. She did too, pretty quickly BUT she had been in serious decline for a long while beforehand.
I kind of think at 104 yrs old, the window to move into a care home, get used to it, even like it.. may have closed.
But hiring good help to stay in the home when the OP is away is still be an option. Maybe the best compromise.
Let's face it, Mother got old. Such is life! Her independance started to slide into semi then dependant. (As will it for all of us if we live long enough).
Mother's health changed. Yet it was the OP that moved house.
I had a relative say to me.."If I get old & feeble, the kids will have to move in & look after me. So I can stay living here, the way I am".
I answered 'When YOU get old, YOU will need to change how YOU live'.
Why must one person make all the changes so another person gets to avoid reality, avoid change? 🤔
PS but dementia is cruel & people do need our compassion ❤️
What would you advise someone else to do in this situation?
TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK. You have people here behind you 100%.
Get Social, have fun! Come back and tell us about it!
(I just turned 70 myself)
YOU GOT THIS!
Your 104 year old mother has had her life and you now more than ever need to have yours.
Be grateful that you have a family member that is willing to come stay with your mother while you're away, and by all means continue to take advantage of their help.
You deserve it, and probably should do it more often instead of cutting back. Perhaps you need to stay away for more than just a day though, to be able to get more of a true respite.
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