For four months my sisters have created extreme animosity over disagreement over rent one should pay to move in with my mother. I have been shut out, not allowed contact with my mother because there is no house phone and sister ignores my calls, texts to her cell. I live out of state and cannot visit. This past Saturday I was notified by the bank that I had been removed from my mother's bank account which I closely monitored for 11 years. I am upset beyond belief. I believe there is undue influence and exploitation of finances.
Sorry if that is not what you expected to hear, but this may be a perspective worth considering.
I do not personally like getting courts involved in family matters, their word is final.
They may just place her, which would make her miserable and likely consume her assets. Courts should be a last resort only if there is criminal activity or abuse.
Before you hire a lawyer I strongly suggest you visit and try to personally re-engage with your sisters and family.
When was the last time you saw mom? What condition is she in today? Does she require caregiving, how involved? Would her condition necessitate ALF or NH were it not for the familial living arrangements? Your sister may be paying her rent in sweat equity. If mom did buy a family home, is there a mortgage and can sis upkeep ( taxes, mortgage) if mom goes to NH? Is mom legally competent to buy a home or does she have moms DPOA. BTW, even if dad arranged for POA for mom before passing, she would have had the right to make changes as long as she was competent, so the original docs may be moot.
You sound reasonable, and may have a very legitimate concern. Cutting you off is completely inappropriate. Try reconciliation, before you go legal.
I sincerely hope this works out for mom and family unity or at least civility.
Regards
L
I don't think you're going to like this, but you did ask. As far as I can glean, there are two issues:
1. You think your youngest sister should pay rent to your mother, and she doesn't. What do the eldest sister and your brother think? What does any of them say is your mother's view of it?
To declare an interest: I live with my mother, she pays (partly) for my keep, I provide 24/7 care for her. I would be seriously pissed off if my siblings suggested I should be paying rent. What with? I should have a full-time job too? I would also be - I have also been, I should say - pretty miffed with grumbles about my adult children coming to stay, although I have simply ignored them. I agree that the living costs of young children are a bit different; but all you need to know is whether your mother understands and is content with the arrangement.
2. You have been removed from your mother's bank account. You say you have closely monitored it for 11 years. To what purpose? Have you had occasion to act, at all? What was, what is, the point of your being a signatory to the account? And, to be mischievous, what - apart from virtue - would stop you helping yourself to the funds if you remained a signatory?
You seem to be a self-appointed guardian. If your oldest sister does have DPOA, even if it is in force, which it won't be unless your mother is losing capacity, and if your youngest sister is living with your mother and, presumably, expects to become her primary caregiver over time, what role do you see yourself playing in your mother's affairs?
Or are you concerned more about the execution of your late father's wishes? Are you his executor? Clearly not (see below).
If your oldest sister is the ?DPOA, and your youngest sister is moving in to the new house, where does the "secret loan" come into this?
Now, having said that and made myself unpopular, transparency is always desirable and in some cases mandatory. At a guess, I would say you are entitled to sight of all of your late father's documents. Do you know who his attorney was? Can you find out?
If you are concerned about your mother's welfare, then arrange to visit her. If you believe you would not be welcome at her home, book a local hotel. If you cannot get either sister to arrange a date, deal with your brother - he can even accompany you. It would be completely unreasonable and unacceptable for your sisters to prevent you from seeing your mother, but common sense dictates making an appointment which is convenient to all parties.
I agree wholeheartedly that your mother's wellbeing is your business, I think most daughters would. Unfortunately, since you don't provide her care and you haven't been appointed to look after her finances, it isn't quite as clearly your business as it is your sisters'. Speaking for myself I do attempt to keep my siblings informed, but as far as I know I'm not obliged to lift a finger to do so.
If I wanted my siblings to be more transparent and open and involve me more, I don't think I'd go about it by starting with a fundamental disagreement. You were the one who proposed the rent plan, yes? Possibly not your best move.
I'm sorry. I do understand that you are genuinely worried that your mother is being exploited. But if you want to do anything about it you're going to have to mend fences, and allow yourself to be reassured if, in fact, it turns out that they are acting perfectly within bounds. I hope this gets sorted out. Best of luck.
My mother had been adamant about not living with anyone and has had a falling out with this daughter before. Now they (three sisters) have convinced my mother to buy a 4 bedroom house for sister and her two young boys. I accepted it and approached my mother about a fair rent and then my sister. It was going to be a few hundred less than what she is paying now for a two bedroom duplex. This didn't have to escalate. She is now using my mother very much like divorced parents do. Not allowing visitation and turning the children against the other parent. I have contacted a few times through email and text, said I'm sorry, apologized, said we can work this out. I've been ignored and hung up on.
However the caretaking sister does have a fulltime job and my mother(80 yrs. old) has complained of the kids and her behavior and basically tolerates her ,My youngest sisters kids are not adults, elementary school age ,DYB is my 2nd oldest sister which myself (oldest son) and Oldest sister (mysterious/secretive) had jointly appointed her when my Dad passed 12 yrs ago because she is trustworthy and still is I might add, My oldest sister got a $50,000 loan to by a house from my mom, she did pay it back , however she denies having done this and has continually denied so 4 times, since we confronted her about this she convinced our mom to take DYB of the account ,and wont say why. I told my oldest sister if she was going to accuse her of wrong doing to prove it and audit her and Account to show her accusations, press charges , she didn't respond and again denies her wrong doing. She refuses now to be transparent. We did not exactly tell the other sister to PAY RENT , but to carry her weight . With the new home the Taxes will increase 10 fold, other expenses will too, the youngest has weekly drama with her EX also a concern, and she often gets what she calls Gratuity in the form of GAS , eating out, Gifts etc. , which we've overlooked but have kept tabs on. We have all provided her care in different ways and several capacities , upkeep of her home , tax services, Dr's apt, etc. only 2 of the sisters receive gratuity as they put it and we've told them it should be a selfless act. Sure the one that will be living with her deserves some form or Compensation and she will be in the form of better living conditions for her and her kids , however its a tradeoff , for her and our Mother.
In the past she has received moneys from our mom because of our mothers good nature and because my sister plays the pity card.
The finances were never an issue as far as transparency till now , and having discovered d that the denial of the others loans has become a major concern.
So. When is the house purchase to be finalised (i.e. how long have you got before things get incredibly complicated)?
Who was your father's executor? - and therefore has access to all the trust details and so on.
How did it come about that your mysterious oldest sister was appointed DPOA? - was that your late father's decision initially, with your mother following suit?
WS, how often do you see your mother? Often enough to have heart-to-heart type chats with her? I'm wondering how she was persuaded to agree to live with young children if she finds them - I wouldn't say a nuisance, what grandmother would admit to that?! - a handful, then. What do you think she was thinking? Because it's one thing to tolerate and, perhaps, worry about your daughter and her family; quite another to upend your later years living with her.
Is your mother up to using her own cell phone? You can get senior-friendly types, maybe see how she gets on with one. At least then DYB could talk to her direct, which might ease some worries.
I don't understand the loan bit. Why would someone deny having had the use of money which she has paid back in full? Any ideas? Does she just dislike or resent your knowing her business, as she sees it?
What would you both like to happen? Think that through, and think constructively - because otherwise this is all going to circle back and bite your mother.
FYI, bits like this:
"...She fell in 2012 (was left alone because one sister stormed out and didn't inform another because of their communication issues) and was on the floor overnight, and as a result needed knee replacement surgery which she had been avoiding for years due to osteoarthritis. However, my mother does not need round the clock care…"
- don't help. The argument is not cogent - your mother needed knee replacement surgery because of chronic osteoarthritis and avoided it for years; OR she needed it because of your sister's petulant behaviour; but you can't have it both ways - and is also likely to put up the backs of those many readers who know just how damned stressful it is to spend your life trying to prevent all falls. Particularly if you then say your mother doesn't need much in the way of everyday care, thus minimising the value of your sister's being on site.
I think it's good that you're together on this. Stick together, but also check each other's perspective and sense of proportion, and mind each other's language. With luck and goodwill, this can still be put right - not easily, but it can. Nothing terrible has happened yet. Remember that all you both really want is to make sure your mother's protected.
My sister DYB and I have always been very open about our mothers finances and any thing we did or had planed we emailed or called and basically took a consensus before making a final decision, I don't want to make it a legal issue but after 4 months of conceding and trying to get cooperation , I see no recourse but to involve an Atty. or court to decide , I cant turn a blind eye and be sorry for not having done something later.
Blaming the bad communication between two sisters for your mother's knee replacement is another example of a strange basis for hard feelings. You also say Mother doesn't need someone to care for her full time, and at the same time seem to blame the sisters for having a gap when one left and the other wasn't there yet. Which is it, she needs full-time coverage, or she can get along on her own pretty well?
I hope before you deal with the mediator you weed the blaming and bitterness out of your story. Stick to the facts. And absolutely decide what you want to have happen. Nothing you can do now is going to change the "secret loan." That is a done deal, with no harm done, as far as you've described it. Do you want to be able to visit your mother freely? Do you want to provide her with a telephone? Do you want the phone charges to be paid out of mother's account? Figure out exactly what you do want, and be prepared to compromise and negotiate.
I hope the end result is peace within the family, and action in your mother's best interest.
Do let us know how this comes out.
She also has early signs of dementia and other health problems and concerns, you don't know the FACTS , We want to visit our mom FREELY , yet are being kept from it , we want a phone , yet she has none , cell or otherwise.
80% or more of Moms finances being used for PERSONAL reasons , is not only unethical its Criminal. And yes SECRET LOANS and the other violations , personal moral , ethical and otherwise will be brought up , with the ATTY.
We have continued over the period of 4 months tried to communicate , openly and have been more than friendly and diplomatic to offer resolutions in many more ways than I even care to share with you , We by now means have wanted to involve our mother and have gone out of our way NOT to involve her.
No one is Blaming my Moms bad knee on them, the FACT that their petty arguments get in the way of our mothers well being and because of it they don't communicate that is appalling and that you see it as something else is disturbing to me.
The hard feelings have come from the hostile takeover as Im going to characterize it because when DYB and myself were handling things for the past 11-12 yrs we were very open and forthcoming about everything we did when it involved Our mother. As a matter of fact I did research when my father passed away and suggested to handle it as a corporation which is basically how my Dad set it up , and how for almost 12 yrs now its been done , I am the eldest son 2nd oldest overall by the way.
So now that our mother has on set of dementia and has had a little more to handle and is not being kept abreast HONESTLY I might add by everyone as it was before , she isn't completely aware of whats REALLY going on.
Oh another fun fact Jeanne Gibbs Ive been a widower for almost 12 yrs now and raised 4 kids , 3 of them alone the 4th was grown when there Mother passed away so I can empathize with you.