NeedHelpWithMom Asked July 2021
Some people have disputes about disagreements concerning POA decisions. They explain that two people in their family share POA. Thoughts?
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I think if he had POA we would all be thrown out into elderly housing or something. He advised not too long ago that mom and I should sell the house and move to elderly housing. I told him no way, mom wil stay right in her own home. I think he was thinking about his inheritance, but you what there really won't be much of an inheritance. I am spending it all on my mother.
We made the difficult decision together to stop my mom's remaining medications last week, but I talked it over with him before giving the order. If he'd have had any concerns, we'd have worked it out together first.
The "one person in charge" system works well for us, because my folks had a few issues with my brother's way of handling money, plus I have the time while he's still working full-time. Most important, though, is that it prevents any conflicts with the medical or financial people we deal with. It's very clear who's in charge and makes the decisions, and that prevents issues with one POA telling them something, and the other telling them something else.
A POA is ONE job that can be held by more than one person, not multiple jobs held by multiple people who all get to put in their two cents' worth. It's just easier to name one person.
Putting an "and" between POA names is another way to have multiple POAs, which might be okay or even good if you have complete confidence that each POA agent will always work well with the other agent(s), but you don't have complete confidence that each POA agent always has steady judgment, e.g. when facing a crisis or just making hard decisions. Obviously, appointing multiple POA agents with "and" between their names has the potential to create unnecessary headaches for decisions to be made or even for paying bills and managing accounts, so you might want to think about what could go wrong before doing it that way.
Based on what you've posted, it looks like you have two daughters with whom you are confidant to act in your best interest if you name either or both of them as your POA(s). I suggest talking to them (maybe a conference call) to discuss this topic. Also, on www.agingcare.com website there's a section on Elder Law with several articles on POA that you and your daughters might find helpful.
FYI, when my youngest daughter with Down's Syndrome became an adult, my wife and I decided to have our two older daughters, as well as both of us, named as her co-guardians. As such, any one of us can act on behalf of our youngest daughter regarding any issue, e.g. medical, financial, or whatever. This works well for us and if anything happens to any (but not all) of us, our youngest daughter will seamlessly still have a guardian.
My friend’s sister with Downs is a miracle. The doctor didn’t expect her to live as long as she has. She is 51 years old now. She was extremely high functioning and a joyful person before developing dementia, She lost most of her verbal skills. She doesn’t walk anymore. She is in a wheelchair. At one time, she stopped eating. She is eating again.
My friend does have help with her care. She looks at my friend as her second mom because she was always the closest to her. Her mom used to volunteer at her daughter’s special needs school. My friend and her mom volunteered during the summertime, they would take the children on wonderful trips, Dollywood and Disney World, etc. My friend has terrific memories of those trips. They chartered a bus and took a fabulous trip every year.
I'm the MPOA, and am glad not to have to hassle with her taxes, etc. For signing her into the AL---it would have been easier to have it 'all-in=one'', but since the internet allowed us to easily share and sign documents it wasn't too bad. The POA wannts nothing to do with managing the day to day care.
My fear was DD1 trying to take control. She still may, but actually I hope the three of them can work together very closely and collaboratively.
My mom's POA did the same and knew there would be a problem. She based her decision on who was most active and present in her life. That was TS2, at that time. Mom did not want TS2 anywhere near decision making knowing what would happen. So the documents stated TS2, me then TS1. What mom did not realize was how manipulative and vindictive and narcissistic TS1 can be. And never thought how TS1 could influence TS2. What a nightmare that was! And how easily influenced TS2 is by TS1. She always just wanted everyone to get along. And did not want to become a target of TS2. Well, mom that did not work at all, did it.
And TS2 did not want to become a target of ts1.
Mom had asked auntie dearest to do it, knowing...... But AD had responsibility for grandma and did not want another.
Now is that all clear as mud?
If people only knew. It's no great honor to have someone's POA and have to make their decisions. I wish I never had it for my father because I was the one responsible for cleaning up the mess and I'm still cleaning it and he's been dead for almost three years.
I don't think it's a good idea to have more than one person as POA or conservator. Two or more people can't agree on the weather or will argue over what toppings to order on a pizza.
Imagine what it's like when property has to be liquidated into cash assets and bank accounts spent down because someone needs placement in a care facility. More than one person can't decide. Taking care of all the bill paying and doing things like cancelling credit cards and closing bank accounts for a person would be an absolute nightmare if two or more people had to legally sign off on it getting done. It's hard enough to get cooperation from a bank or credit card company when one person is trying to. More than one, it will never get done.
I have an immediate financial for nephew because he can't handle money. But his Medical is Springing. Only can use when he is not able to make decisions.
I am going to have mine done and will ask the Lawyer what he thinks is best. My daughters both live in the same town. I think they could work together but one is stronger in the finance end the other, RN, is stronger in the medical end.
My daughters do get along but the youngest one moved several states away. I hope that wouldn’t become an issue.
Families don’t always stay living in the same area anymore. My daughter absolutely loves Denver. I don’t see her coming back to Louisiana. She has a great job there and she likes the change of seasons.
Ahhh, okay. So, two are listed in case one person wouldn’t be available. That makes sense.
No, I hadn’t heard the term ‘springing.’
Thanks for info.
And I doubt most people around here have ever even heard of a "springing" POA, I was able to lend a hand to mom with her business dealings decades before she became incapacitated. As far as I know that is something that you would have to specifically request from your lawyer, and if you were that distrustful of the person(s) you are appointing I have to wonder why you are choosing them at all.
My hubs and his brother (2 out of 3 bros) were made PoA for my MIL. They were the only 2 local to her. It has never been a problem because they discuss everything very diplomatically, honestly, timely and thoroughly AND there's no power struggle over real or perceived money or inheritances (because there is none), no control issues. Their mom was a sweet, loving person (who chose a jerk for a 2nd husband). They had a healthy understanding of the role of PoA from the start.
I have 3 sons. Right now the youngest is only 22 and is not a PoA and we explained to him why and he accepts this. But this may change as he gets older an he also knows this. Our PoA arrangement will be reviewed every few years to adjust for changes in willingness, maturity, location, wisdom, etc. And we make sure to have very thorough conversations with our sons about the role and our expectations. Still, this is no guarantee that things won't go sideways, but all we can do is what we've done.
I think the "trouble" that happens comes from power and money struggles, lack of understanding of the role of PoA, immaturity/insecurities, complicated family history, mistrust, wrong motives, petty jealousy, stress, burden, etc. It's a shame that it happens but people are complicated beings and many people can barely manage their own lives well, no less someone else's.