My MIL just passed away at 102 and it was very peaceful. Not only was I her main caregiver, POA, etc. but I am married to her son (78) who is slowly dying in hospice care at a facility for almost 3 years. He has FTD (frontal temporal dementia) and vascular dementia. My heart aches every minute for him. Thank God I am able to have him in a wonderful facility! I go in every day to feed him because I want to! If I need to go somewhere then I call ahead and they take over. My MIL was independent at another retirement village living her best life. Three weeks ago my son flew in from LA (we live in PA) and he had a nice visit with her. One week later she passed away. She was very demanding to me since FIL passed 10 years ago and I’m the only family member able to take over all her needs. I’m POA, etc. I’m emotionally exhausted - my husband is deteriorating and I miss “us” and are married 50 years. I’m 73 and am just now addressing some medical problems.My son is SO MAD that I didn’t have a full blown funeral for her and tell him! I told him we discussed it and NOBODY is left to go! We decided on a graveside burial. He now claims he would’ve flown home (2 weeks later?). For a graveside prayer that lasted 5 minutes? Are you kidding me????? He was just here and visited her for 2 hours! Isn’t it a blessing he was able to do that while she was well and alive? All he does is act all pissy with me! Sooooo, yesterday I let him have it coast-to coast - I said “you have the audacity to talk to me while my plate is overflowing with grief and decisions and I don’t feel well? YOU MOVED OUT THERE NOT ME so get over it because you have no freaking choice!” Period! My other son was on a business trip in Germany and understands I have to do what I have to do. BTW my oldest is 48 and the one who could’nt come in is 42. How should I handle this? He’ll be home for Christmas and this may come up. He has no children and his wife is close mouthed and won’t give an opinion either way! Ugh!!!
My father died in June. He was 98. My sisters (who are twins) have had a huge falling out. They can no longer be in the same room together. They hate each other that much. My mother's funeral two years ago was a fiasco because of them and I decided I didn't want a repeat performance and told both of them I wouldn't be coming to any funeral for our father.
My one sister has our mother's ashes and the other has my father's. I have no clue if there was an internment yet and if there was, did both of my sisters show up or not. They were also fighting over my father's flag. My one sister wants to give it to her son and the other wants to give it to her grandson.
I just decided to sit this out for my mental health. I cannot fix this and I cannot make it better.
I had a mass said for my parents in the local church here where I live. My husband and I went on Friday to attend it. When I go back to NY next month I hope to pay my respects if they are finally interred. But who knows.
You cannot make this stuff up.
You should have told him that there wasn't going to be a funeral and that it was only going to be a few minutes of prayers at the gravesite. He's overreacting though. You could just apologize to him and say that you made a mistake in not telling him and leave it there. Then it's up to him to stop acting like a child.
Honestly though, you should knock off the gaslighting and trying to guilt-trip him from moving away. Did you not want your children to grow up and have their own lives? No one should ever be guilt-tripped for moving away from home and making a life for themselves. That is what people are supposed to do.
Call your son and tell him you're sorry.
For some reason, many adult children are under the delusion that we moms are Superwoman with the ability to juggle 5 chaotic crises on our plates at once. While wearing pearls, of course, and having our hair done once a week at the beauty parlor.
My condolences on the loss of your dear MIL, the state of your husband's health, and the lack of empathy on your son's part.
You are a true hero in my book! I wish you the strength to get through all this stress and not hear anymore BS from your son. He should be ashamed of himself.
This “thing” about my MIL has only surfaced in the last 6-7 years as I started complaining (b******g) about her attitude around then.
I found out from my husband and his brother and other family members what a narcissist his mother was and it fit all the suspicions I had. I got angry with myself for not listening to family members who knew her way before me. I’m a person that wants to find out for myself. I sure did. Never babysat, it was always an excuse. Lived in Florida for 8 months/yr. so the in-laws missed a LOT of their grandchildren’s milestones. My parents were the polar opposite.
For some reason my eldest son (my sons are 5 years apart) just cannot take a conversation of anything negative about my MIL. And his wife is no help - she’s a lovely person from a lovely family where grandma was revered and she doesn’t want to be in the room when my son and I even “get into it” so I hold it back. It’s not like they live close - too far to start ugly words and fight. I tell my other son - he listens, but, doesn’t take sides. Listens is so imperative especially during these difficult times I have now. I wasn’t close emotionally to my MIL due to her behavior and my FIL was a bombastic know-it-all. So, there you have some background info.
Yes, everything you said is spot on. I agree. I’m not giving excuses for him at all, just some background on MY relationship with the deceased. I wasn’t tight with her and didn’t act it for my husband’s sake. He didn’t need that on top of a diagnosis in his 60’s of FTD and Vascular dementia.
There is no way that you should cater to your son's temper tantrum. I'm glad you told him off, and if you need to, do it again. Aside from that, peace on earth goodwill to all!
FYI, my husband is in the same situation that yours is. If he survives that long, I will be with him as much as possible over the holidays. There are many ways to celebrate Christmas. Being with bratty adult kids is not even on the list.
Do not guilt trip him again about his moving far away. He probably really feels that distance already, especially in view of his father's illness. People have to make their own lives and sometimes that means moving.
"How should I handle this? He’ll be home for Christmas and this may come up. He has no children and his wife is close mouthed and won’t give an opinion either way! Ugh!!!" Do not keep clinging to this for months. He was hurt, so acknowledge it, make an apology and both of you learn something from it and move on. You will be planning this for his father, so get your childrens inputs beforehand and their help.
Why on earth would you want to try to make your daughter in law choose sides against your son in an argument between the 2 of you? She is perfectly right to stay out of the middle of it and smart to keep her.mouth shut. Why would you want to stir up more problems?
Also, I never put his wife in the middle of anything nor would I dare to! Want to stir up more problems? She wouldn’t have it! I was just giving my observation of her stance on things - she wants to stay out of confrontation as she’s already in the middle of a severe situation at her own mother’s home regarding her sister. She just tells me he can be argumentive for the sake of being right. He’s an attorney. Need I say more?
My other son has been in Germany for a month and knows she passed away and is interred. No issues there.
They are both never guilt tripped about moving to West Coast, either. My husband and I have been nothing but proud as both kids moved out there because of job opportunities and most of all the lifestyle. It’s a great vacation to visit!
I think COVID taught us we do not need a big elaborate funeral to say good bye. My husband and I are not affilated with a Church. Our parents, Aunts and Uncles are gone. Siblings are 7 to 18 hours away. One brother I have not seen since Mom died. You don't care about me before my death, don't come to my funeral. We are having no services. We are being cremated. Told my girls they can have dinner on me and who they want to join them.
I agree, why would son come back for a 5 min graveside service. He can visit her when he is home again. You have enough on your plate to worry about this.
These are your quotes from various posts:
"I believe he just wants to piss me off because he knows I’ve been complaining about her demands for a long time now and he doesn’t want to hear it."
"This “thing” about my MIL has only surfaced in the last 6-7 years as I started complaining (b******g) about her attitude around then."
Then you say:
"Again, I think it’s a rebellious thing because I couldn’t stand the in-laws and he’s only now finding out."
Well, if you've been complaining about your MIL for the last 6-7 years, then he's not "only" finding out.
You also said:
"For some reason my eldest son (my sons are 5 years apart) just cannot take a conversation of anything negative about my MIL."
"I never once bad-mouthed his grandmother to him until the last couple years. I didn’t believe in that as I hate drama."
I'll be willing to bet you've been bad mouthing your MIL for a lot longer than that, not necessarily without a reason and maybe not intentionally; regardless however, why on Earth would you have continued to do so once your son made is clear to you he didn't want to hear it?
If you want him to respect YOUR feelings, you need to start respecting his. It's a two-way street.
It seems to ME that he is somewhat closer to his grandmother than maybe you want him to be. Or maybe more than you understand why. For whatever reason, he wanted to be included in the funeral of his grandmother, no matter how humble it might have been, and by not even informing him of it, you removed any chance he might have had. Really, he is an adult, what is it to YOU if he chose to fly across the country to attend?
I think you owe him an apology.
And one other thing - stop putting any other children in the middle of this squabble, your other kid(s) will not be thankful to you getting them involved.
See All Answers