Let me start with I am 15 years old. For the past 7 months I have been taking care of my recently disabled mother. In July my mom got diagnosed with a rare auto immune disorder that rendered her arms and legs (practically) completely useless. I couldn't leave her home alone and had to drop out of school to take care of her, she's a diabetic with a very bad pressure ulcer and I kept coming home to the house trashed from her trying to make herself food and falling so it was clear I needed to be home more. The doctors have her on a ton of steroids and a recovery time of at least 2 years and a full recovery is not promised I started online classes but we couldn't pay for it once she was forced to leave her job and we're currently waiting on her disability check. Anyway, I'm now in night school and my online credits couldn't be transferred so I now have to take summer school as well. I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted, I now drive her everywhere, I do all grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, all important calls to doctors and lawyers, I even have to cut up her meat for her.
Everyone tells me that I'm so brave and such a good person but I don't want to be anymore!! My mom refuses to get a home health nurse, it makes her feel uncomfortable, and also doesn't want to go to assisted living though it has been offered to her on several occasions. We have no family here, so I'm doing this myself, I have no friends, no one to talk to about any of this. She also takes her anger out on me, she's shoved me, rammed her walker into my legs, yells at me all the time about all the things I do wrong. I just don't want to do this anymore. We plan to move closer to family later this year, her health permitting but I know its still going to fall on me. I feel like im honestly taking care of a toddler, when she's angry she throws her drinks and screams and cries and I know it's mostly because she's angry at her illness and not me but I can't take it.
I'm also scared for my future, I want to go to the university of Miami, its my dream school, but this summer school is really going to set me back and I'm scared that my mom won't be better in time for me to go to college. She's even asked me to consider online classes during college so I can stay home and take care of her. I'm scared that this is all my life will ever be, taking care of my mother until she dies. I get these sick thoughts that I wish she would die just so I wouldn't deal with this pressure and her tantrums and I would actually have a life again. I WOULD NEVER HURT HER OR GIVE HER SECOND RATE CARE THOUGH. Just saying. I cry almost every night and I just want to scream at her that I'm trying my best but I'm just 15. I only have my license because she's disabled, I'm not old enough to get a job. I feel like I'm 30 years old with a baby, I have to feed her, dress her, help her go to the bathroom. I do everything and it all happened so quickly my head is spinning. Its not even like I can take a break, I have no friends to unwind with and no one to leave my mom with.
There isn't much on the internet for kids like me taking care of sick parents so I figured I'd post here for advice and help and for someone to just tell me it's going to be okay i guess. And please don't suggest I talk to her about it, I've tried and she ended up guilt tripping me on how much worse she has it. Thank you for listening to my rant and I appreciate any words of wisdom you could give me.
If you take a gap year as you call it, medical school is NOT going to look at that kindly, and the more behind the normal schedule you get, the less likely it is that you even graduate from ANY college, much less UMiami or go to med school. OMG it is hard to go to med school, and you need a 4.0 in college's honors program to get in. I believe you can do it if you make the move to get back into school now. It is HARD to teach yourself, I have top kids I home school and tutor, and they spend 18 hours a day studying to get into top colleges, You must be focused and taking care of mom and living in a car does not cut it. I slept on plywood in a sleeping bag with my dogs to stay warm, and I was in a more southern state than you are. It was not good for SAT scores, I'll tell you!! I did not go to school until March my Soph year. It was so bad.
Please call your uncle and tell him you want to have a good life. You want to live with him, but you love your mommy like you are supposed to and you need his help. Ask him if he can become your guardian appointed by the state. It's not that you don't love your mom and want her to get well - that is exactly WHY you must leave. Just like my mthr, your mom also has depression and can't see the forest for the trees. You have to leave so she is at the bottom and reaches out (even in anger) to people who can help her. I remember my days of despair and I would not wish that on anyone. I did get back to school for another year before I left, but my dream of doctoring evaporated. I did not have any relatives to ask for help, and my neighbors pretended nothing was wrong.
Shelby, I am praying for you. I am scared for you as well. Your mom need psych care as well as physical healing. If she ever says she would kill herself (or you) you should report that the next time she rages at you and hits you by calling 911 and telling EMS how out of control she is. It is a real threat when moms say that, and it is honestly a call for help. That is the only way you are going to get her in for a psych evaluation, and I wish I had known that when I was in your shoes.
Please oh please Lord help this young lady and her family.
You shouldn't be making these decisions, and your mother shouldn't either. I'm sorry that the emotion of the discussion got everybody shaken up and made you upset with your aunt and uncle; but these are the people who are best placed to help you. Trust them. They won't let any harm come to your mother, and they can help you get your life back on track. Please, please let them.
I can tell you. She will continue to gamble one way or another even if it is only at the corner store with the lottery. You will never have money even if she gets an income, she will continue to gamble it away.
Do you want to continue to help her live like this. At the age of 15 and a very mature 15 I might add you are fast becoming part of the problem.
Your aunt and uncle are trying to practice tough love on you both but they do want to help and their anger was because neither you or Mom will let them do what is right. They have seen how the pair of you lived when you were younger they don't want to see Mom take what to her seems the easy way out. You are stronger tan that. You want to be a Dr. you can do it whatever the obsticles put in your way if you are determined. keep your eye on the prize and don't start making excuses about why you can't achieve your goal. You can. You know what you have to do. Go out of the house somewhere your mom can't hear you and ask your aunt to take over. You may not like her rules I understand that but you want be living with her for ever so suck it up for now. That is the best way of getting help for Mom. These are the kinds of decisions Drs have to make for their patients every day. As a pediatrician how would you feel if you had to give a tiny baby painful treatment to enable it to live. If you can't face things like that medicine is not where you belong.
If you can't face calling aunty face to face then write her an email and throw yourself on her mercy. if she doesn't have any then don't bother and get packing for the shelter. You have come so far Shelby please don't give up now. Most of us writing to you have children and grandchildren of your age and really know how we would feel and what we would want to do to help if one of them was in your situation. My own grand daughter is 17 and on the brink of moving forward into a professional future. It does take hard work and sacrifices but we all know you can do it. We love you Shelby
You are obviously such a smart caring and articulate person for your age ... and I'm sure you're trying to do the right thing. Just remember days turn into weeks ... weeks into months and months into years and before you know it you'll be in a situation where help won't come as easy as it will now because of your age. With certain things not really sure how APS works but I would think that because YOU are so young they will hop on this fast and get things rolling towards getting you the help you and your mother need. Once you hit what maybe eighteen ... maybe its twenty one and YOU"RE not as high a priority since they will not worry about getting you back into school your case might just be put on a very long list which we all know is never good. Not sure but kind of worried for you about when an entitlement becomes an eligibility which will come with a lot of hoop jumping and waiting and more waiting! Just trying to say the time for you is know ... Please like everyone has said contact APS ... before another day ... week ... month or year passes! I wish you and your mom all the best!
The problem I see is, if your mother is willing to sabotage your life now, there's no reason to think she'll stop when you're in college, or attempting to get into college. There's no guarantee she'll be better medically, and even if she is, there's no assurance that she won't gamble away your tuition money or get the car repossessed when you need it to get to class. I see her as a sinking ship who has no problem taking you down with her. I think you need to get away from her if you are to succeed and meet your goals. I think even her attitude is insidious - she has very low expectations of life, of herself and you. Disaster is okay with her. It's not okay with you, and it's not okay for you. You deserve a better chance. You need to disentangle yourself before you go down with her.
As far as getting back in school, I know that thinking of replacing kitchen curtains, what color you'd like to paint the wall seems bananas while the place is flooding. But after the water recedes things won't be fully recovered until you get to those tasks and decisions too. More importantly, how will the water ever recede if the rain never stops coming?
If your Mom needs full time care, as long as you are the only one under the same roof with her, how are you ever going to have time for school, (and later a career, a life and house of your own)? If you aren't happy with the idea of forfeiting all those things to be there for her full time, someone else is going to HAVE to be, that is really the only answer. She might not like it at first, but it does look like assisted living is most logical, that gives you time to meet your obligations, but leaves you without shelter. The reason it seems best if you can get her into assisted living in FL by your Aunt, then live with your Aunt and finish school, and both be there to help and see her everyday.
When things got bad for me when I was a few years younger than you are an Aunt and Uncle pulled me aside and offered to take me in. Their kids were younger, and they weren't quite prepared to come up with finances for a car, school for a charge my age, but said they'd figure out something. I didn't take them up for 2 reasons, one I didn't want to hurt the financial future of my sweet little cousins. Other reason, I was concerned about their expectations that I would be, ...much more "child like" than I actually was, heehee, an 8 pm bedtime? Probably some of what you are thinking?
Ditching my Mom with no one to help her, I'd have never done that either. I was often times the bread winner, the one that kept at least some of the utilities on, (it was rare we had all utilities at the same time), I walked to the store, bought soup and bread, carried it home, kept my Sister fed. I know you can't ditch your Mom in a shelter and walk off, you'd never be able to concentrate elsewhere with that kind of worry in your head all day. Talk to your Aunt again, keep trying. I took in my own Niece at several points in her childhood, my 1st priority was always to get her in school, find day care for after school while I was at work, etc.
One perspective that you may want to consider is that with professional care given by home health workers your mother's symptoms may actually improve. They have expertise with techniques and insights from experiences that may be very supportive to her overall well-being and make your time with her more about quality of your interactions. Even though she is resistant to this idea, it is necessary. She may thank you later.
Communicate your concerns with her doctors. They can prescribe aide services. Also, be sure to share the emotional issues since these can be due to her condition, possible drug interactions, and/or untreated anxiety or depression. Her behaviors toward you are abusive regardless of her medical condition and need to stop.
I'm so happy that you reached out through this website-- things will get better once changes occur in your situation. You have the ability to make that happen. Consider taking with one of your school counselors as well to get your education back on track. Undoubtedly, they have insights and resources available to support you during this difficult time.
Best wishes!
Remember you always have the option to change your mind so don't let your own pride get in the way if you decide you need to let go of the reins and hand your Moms care over. Wishing you the best.
Don't be too alarmed by the adult/sibling argument you just witnessed. Sibling relationships can turn on a dime, in 2 seconds, literally, with a well placed "I'm sorry". If this was my Sis and Niece at this point, I'd likely as not just go get them, put them in a part of the house, (basement, spare room), they/we could have some privacy, quiet, ...start sorting out from there. Don't give up on that, as pamstegman just said, (and I guess I did earlier today), if your Auntie didn't love your Mom, and you, she would not be upset right now. Most anger in this world is based on hurt. :-) Hang in there.
I was reminded of a presentation given years ago at my church called "Dejunking Your Life." (Wish I could find the video that was made then. I could use a refresher course!) One of the suggestions given was to have three persons on whom you can count for support: one to sympathize and comfort; one to brainstorm solutions; and one to kick you in the butt (figuratively) and get you moving towards your goals. Looks like you have encountered all three on this board, but if you could round up such persons in your "offline" life you would have a real live support team. Not knowing all that was said during the "blow-up," I can only guess, but your uncle might have been in the role of #3 helper when he got on your case.
Keep in mind that nobody, whether 15 or 50, can see the whole picture when we are smack dab in the middle of it. Please find some quiet alone time to think, pray, write down your thoughts, make a list of pros & cons, articulate your goals, assess your resources.
Here's looking at you, kid! You are amazing! We all send thoughts and prayers your way...
I woke up early this morning and read your post and all of the advice the wonderful people here were kind enough to give you and the genuine concern for your well being is shared by all of us.
I want to ask you to consider a few things that came to mind. Your Aunt and Uncle frightened you when you saw how angry they were but wouldn't you be angry if you were supporting your sister only to find out she was gambling all of the money away? Did you think about the fact that your mom can fend for herself for hours and hours sitting at a casino but you couldn't leave her while you went to school? If it's not too late maybe you could talk to your Aunt about possibly paying the rent directly to the landlord and the utilities as well and sending gift cards for the grocery store? That way she would be assured of the money she is giving is being used correctly and not supporting a gambling habit. I know I would not have left my mom either at your age but you have to make sure to set things up so she does not cause you to constantly disrupt both of your lives by losing all and ending up in a countless stream of shelters. You are stronger than you realize and you have to take the bull by the horns if you want to end this cycle of shelter life.
The world needs you to be a doctor! We're all rooting for you to get back to school and you don't seem like a quitter to me, so get going and keep moving toward your goal no matter how many rocks get thrown in the path of your life you will learn to kick them out of your way.
Ur mother will be ok even without u. U should go to college and live ur dream, u deserve it. Idk if ull see this but I hope u do and I hope u are able to do what u want and what u deserve.
Much love