How to tell my sister that I should be paid or get more than 1/2 of the inheritance for taking care of mom?

This is a national problem not getting paid for care giving.
In our case they are saying they are saving the (money by not paying us) for her to be eventually put in a better nursing home than a state provided one. She is 86 almost 87, if she did go in a nursing home are they prophesying, How long she will live? To how much money she needs???
SHE IS VERY HAPPY LIVING AT HOME.
it is not like the others wont get their share. although they are taking their mother never, it's like they are negotiating to give us an ultimatum of no pay V______or a nursing home. Can't there be a happy medium?

It is a problem when parents (who you are caring for) have golden children (your other siblings), but quite another when they had it down a generation.

Our next court date is Dec. 2 we thought we were getting paid.
The guardian promised me that their would be no problem...last January.
Still almost a year later nothing, after all, I am providing a service, that would cost more like $6500 a month when we are only asking to get paid for 7 hrs not the 24/7 that we provide.

We are going to have postpone for a hearing, and criminal investigation boy would we like to get the GAL AND THE GUARDIAN who has never been fair to us from the beginning.
They have treated us like scum of the earth for what?
GIVING A DAMN!

I gave up a semester of school to care for my father as he died from cancer. Where were my siblings? Doing whatever they felt they needed to do at the time. Now my remaining parent, after staying with me for a couple of years, is living with one of my siblings, and this sibling decided to use my parent's pension, not for my parent's care, but to give her golden child whatever the golden child wants; and this sibling is someone who has a full time job, and won't even spend money to have someone stay with my parent while my sibling out of the house all day.

If a parent's money is used for their care, I'm 100% supportive of that, but if it's used to spoil a sibling's child or children, I'm not supportive at all. My parent's care choices have been limited by this behavior; my parent's medical needs were put on hold because of this behavior. This happens more than many of us would like to admit.

I was the full time care giver for my mom who passed away on Oct. 5, 2013. Mom told my sister at one time about a friend whose husband provided in their will for their son to be a paid caregiver if she needed one. Mom had told me numerous times that she wanted me to be paid. She didn't make this info directly known to my 3 siblings. She paid my sister & her husband $500 monthly rent. After mom passed & my sister & I talked about mom's almost $8000 annuity my sister said she might donate hers. I quit work to take care of my mom & haven't worked in over a year & 5 months when mom passed. I told my sister she could donate to me. Of course it didn't happen. I am happy Mom was able to stay home when she was dealing with stage 4 bone cancer. I know that I did God's will in taking care of Mom. My sister has to deal with God in her way. God continues to bless me.

gladimhere- If it looks like a person doesnt have enough in their estate to maintain a long term quality of care as well as pay a caregiver then private care is not affordable. Any thought of leaving an inheritance at this point is a luxury they cannot afford. Their assets would be depleted through their care, sadly they would end up on public assistance and placed in a nursing home. Its important that any potential caregiver realizes their own financial stability before taking on a dependent family member. There may be other options-one is obtaining long term care insurance (worth every penny) before the person becomes dependent. Another option is finding out about Visiting Care services through the local Senior Citizens Organizations. Medicare provides visiting nurses when there is a medical need for one. Sadly most of these types of care are not 24hrs a day. This is a growing concern as many more Baby Boomers enter this arena. I suspect with those growing numbers we are going to see more changes in home health care and service providers.

I wish I could tell you differently, but as far as sharing an estate, it is your mother's decision and hers alone. I, too, am in a situation where a couple of my sibs help care for Mom & Dad 24/7 (we take turns) and other sibs do nothing. I am the executor of the estate, and know that when the time comes, I will have to give the sibs who did nothing their "fair share" under the terms of the will. The Court will allow no less.

So, if caring for your mother is such a hardship for you, it's time to get her in a nursing home or assisted living, whether she wants to go or not. That way you're not destroying your own life, and in the end there won't be any money for anyone. Or get her to agree to change her will to leave you a more equitable bequest.

I somewhat agree with the people who said your mother should pay you for your services now (my parents reimburse us for expenses but not our time). If you can get her to agree to this, fine, but carefully document EVERYTHING. Otherwise you will have your sib filing a complaint with the Court that you "stole" your mother's money while she was alive. Not only that, but if she gets to the point of needing nursing home care, the State will want to know where all of her money went for the past FIVE years before they'll allow her to receive Medicaid.

I point out to my parents regularly (whenever they complain about the care they get from their daughters in their own home) that if they were in a nursing home they would have to pay a MINIMUM of $7,000 per month for their care. If they hired Home Health Care people 24/7 (which are the hours we work) it would cost over $13,000 per month. And I know the care and attention we are giving is superior to anything they'd get in a facility.

I'm a bit confused. You say you care for her 24/7 but you live an hour and a half away. Well, it can't be both. As for who gets more? You would be paid for aid and assistance if she lived with you, but she does not. I doubt that any judge would grant you more than half due to weekly visits. Realistically, she will likely end up in a Nursing Home and they will eat up the entire estate. Any money you do receive will negatively affect your SNAP, HEAP etc. unless she puts it in a trust, which might be the best option.

oh and buy the way ---when we went through her belongings ---I took things that were meaningful and told my sister ---If there was something she wanted we negotiated about that piece. the rest of the stuff we just went through and I basically let her take what she wanted.

The best thing I ever did was put my mom in assisted living. She wasn't happy about it but got used to it and even though she wouldn't admit it she liked it there/ From there she move to nursing and eventually died of Dementia.. My point is it's only money and it's not yours whether you were in the will or not....Save yourself alot of grief and whatever money is left after the facilities take it all take10% extra for yourself and buy yourself a gift from your mom. then divide whatever is left from there between you and your siblings. I even went further (as my sister had been written out of my mom's will) She didn't want her to get anything. So I was stressing on what to do to abide by my mom's wishes and still keep the piece with my sister. I decided to split the remaining money between the 3 grandchildren. I hope she understands where ever she is !!! No one could say I was being unfair.
This money would not change my life in the long run but it certainly could help the grandkids ( in their bank accounts) .....

N2-
How would payment be structured on assets? This is an argument that I have heard it is responsibility of POA to make sure assets last the lifetime. That could be two days, two weeks, for many years. If payment is based on assets how do you determine how long the person is going to live? The person providing care should be compensated an amount that is customary for the care received.

Lwen-
You are so right about abuse of caregiver. I am going on 2.5 years, not been paid, while sissy POA claims financial exploitation by me. It took retaining an attorney to file for impartial third party appointment of conservator and guardian. What so many POA's forget is it is their responsibility to pay someone/anyone for services provided. The POA does not say except family! In fact most elders would want to be taken care of by family rather than go to a facility and would want to pay the caregiver.

This topic just drives me nuts and the people that think we should not be paid. It would be interesting to know if those people are 24/7 caregivers, otherwise employed, self-made millionaires, spouses that make good incomes, whatever. A survey would tell a much bigger story.

One of the biggest crimes in addition to abuses of the elderly
are the abuses to the FAMILY CAREGIVER
who is doing the job, but not getting paid,
because of sibling rivalry.

We have entered the 2 and 1/2 yr. mark
of having made a report of financial exploitation
and neglect (catholic charities elder abuse)
of siblings and despite some circumstances
of siblings putting her in AL (when she needed more)
against her will.

She continues to do well,
has gained her weight back,
is in a stable environment,
enjoys most of her life that she had prior
to her diagnosis.

AND we still are unpaid family caregivers and have lost out savings,
after 7 years of taking care of we are NOW asking to get paid from the estate,
they (siblings) made her sell her two flat house and we (she 86/ALZ and us)
are now in an apartment for 1 and 1/2 years. They do give her an allowance (the court), but we need to pay our bills, too!

Why do family caregivers always get a bad rap?
Like were sucking down beers and spending the SS check!
GET REAL and all mothers sit and eat bon-bons, too!
Remember that fallacy?

This is an excellent example of the discussion we all need to have with our parents about their care as they grow older and hopefully before they are completely dependent. The sibling taking on the majority of the care should be compensated for their time. There is so much more provided than hours on a clock as a caregiver-time away from their own children, friends and responsibilities. I would suggest meeting with an attorney and setting up an income schedule, based on the disabled persons current assets...it should not have anything to do with inheritance when that person is still living. One post said it best-it is the disabled persons money there for their care-not YOUR inheritance. Even if it means liquidating that persons assets to provide that care-no one should get hurt feelings when its a structured financial plan. I do believe asking a person to change their will to gain a financial advantage over other siblings is considered Undue Influence/Financial Exploitation and is a strong basis for Contesting a will.

The "right" or "wrong" of charging parents for care, IMHO, is a very personal matter that are be defined by that particular family's values and lifelong practices and each members financial, employment, physical capabilities and retirement status. What is "right" is what can be agreed upon......hopefully this can happen.

Overall, if you expect or need financial compensation or supplementation to care for mom, you should be getting it, now, preferably.
Hoping for inheritance is like hoping for a bonus after you quit an underpaid job.
I would rather see some assets liquidated and used for care, respite or NH if needed. On the other hand, mom's need for care and your husbands unemployment are 2 unrelated situations, I wish you luck with be latter as that one is more likely to affect your financial status in the long term.

Forget inheritance, that is money that may or may not be there in the future. Speak to your sis about needing to leverage mom's assets to get her into a care facility, so you and your husband can earn income you need. 2 years of unemployment ....without an end in sight....is a long time, you may need to do some financial planning and downsizing. This financial situation is not mom's or sis's doing. My suggestion is you use mom's assets to care for her, and focus on regaining control of your household financial situation.

Say mom hangs in for 5 more years, can you wait without an income?

BTW, your sense on being overwhelmed and seeking fairness are very understandable....it's been a tough 2 years.

Best of luck to you,
L

The command is to live others as you love yourself. There are many ways to care for someone. Find the one that works for you. If parents are so into sacrificing for the sake of their children, they wouldn't mind if their children could find them a safe home with professional caregivers. Assisted living or NH.

I am executor of my mother's will, an heir and her DPOA. Guess what? Her assets will be used to pay for her care first. If there is anything left over when she passes then I will distribute the remainder of her estate according to the will. There is no guarantee of an inheritence just because there is a will in place. If she needs caregiving before she dies, it will be financed with her assets by what ever means are utilized. Having DPOA ensures that neither my sisters or I go into financial hardship providing for her care, but it also means less of an inheritence for us, which we all agree with. In today's economy and people living longer legacies are a thing of the past except for the very rich!

Madeaa, that made me lol. :)

Yes, God does work in mysterious ways for sure, me I am waiting on a sign, I would settle for a houseplant bursting into flame.

Wow! This whole conversation has turned ugly! My mother passed away three months ago. my husband and I put up with the incessant yelling because my mother had a brain bleed which affected her like a TBI. The yelling was an involuntary behavior that she couldn't control. I tried putting her in AL but they kicked her out after three weeks because she was disrupting everything and everyone. I brought her back home and we dealt with her decline for months until she passed away. I think if she would have been in a NH, she would have been ignored because of her obnoxious uncontrollable behavior and drugged into oblivion. Although the last months were difficult, there were precious times that we shared. My mother had the same idea to share 50/50 with my brother and she never considered any compensation for me, and my brother didn't consider it either. But I did and spoke with my brother who said it would be okay for us to make the will be 60/40. The lawyer made it 2/3 for me and 1/3 for the brother. Everyone's situation is different and the care should always come first. I thank God that I was able to care for my Mom, even though I didn't think I could, nor did I want to, and for the most part, she made my life emotionally difficult because she felt as if I owed this care to her. No one said life would be easy, and I am still trying to recover from the two years of caring for her, I wouldn't change anything and realized that God's Grace was sufficient to give us the strength that we all needed for her end of life care. I had all the emotional issues that people have described in this thread. But trust me when it's over, it's over. Because of my experience, I will make certain that whomever takes care of me at the end will be compensated fairly! God does give us the spiritual blessings to get us through life's challenges. May the peace of The Lord be with each and everyone of you.

Um, people, is there perhaps a happy mean between owing your parents nothing and wiping yourself out as some kind of grand sacrificial gesture? And thanks, standingalone, being told I'm stupid really helps - but I get enough of it from my sister. One of us doesn't work, doesn't need to work, has a $2million house with an unoccupied ensuite guest room on the ground floor and cast-iron financial security. See if you can guess - is she also the one who's caring for our mother full-time? That would be, no. But hey she's doing a great job of managing the money! So that's all right then.

Actually it is all right because I suspect my mum would rather die than live there, and I'm sure my sister feels the same. Fair enough.

When it comes to caregiving, do it or don't do it, but don't blame other people for the choices you make and for God's sake don't do it for the reward, material or spiritual, because if that's your motivation you are begging to be disappointed.

I'll tell her for you.

Talk to a elder attorney. They can help you with that decision and help protect you from a sibling that may not be as helpful. We have our parent in skilled care facility, but we go about everyday to check on his well being, we handle any requests he wants done, attend dr. AppStore as needed, pay his bills, review all the medical claims to make sure they are being paid correctly. This does take up a lot of time. We struggled with taking payment, but when our fuel bill doubled and sometimes ate out on the run so we could get up to see him before bedtime which started eating into our expenses every month. After talking to a elder care attorney, it is most common to be paid by the hour for these services. It doesn't matter what your sibling thinks, it is what is right under the law. You should not have to be out money when others in the family are not helping. Good luck.

so ......mom took care of her children and spent tons of time & money...WHO ever is caring for mom now hardships and all ...there reward will not be here but in heaven.....this from someone that has been there..you will sleep well when this nightmare is over....bless your heart

I agree rosetindall I am only looking after mum until this progresses and I cant cope anymore I am not going to put my life on hold for years while my siblings take the piss. So far its hard but mum is still washing,dressing etc...ill know when enough is enough what I hope for is mum will be further on with this illness when I do put her into a NH but who knows whats going to happen and how much I will be able for later. My mum would never want me to give up my life to look after her she would want me to be happy not miserable so i have zero guilt about a NH when the time comes. And I really admire anyone who has cared for their parent until the end at home but thats a personal choice it will be hard to put mum in a NH and break my heart but my health and future are important too! As ive said before caring for mum is hard dealing with siblings is where all the crap and stress happens!
As ive posted here once before a hospice worker said live on TV that when you become a cargiver your relationship with that parent changes when they are in AL or NH you can become their son and daughter again! This is so true I look forward to when I visit mum bring her out spend as much time as is healthy for me to do BUT still have my own life to switch off to!

This is total insanity what everyone is talking about and it revolves around the money. Elder parents need the care that they are entitled to whether they have the money or not and that's why they have Medicaid in the country. Yes there is a 5 year look back but as long as the money went to the parents care they will qualify for it. You guys are playing the victim role and this is exactly what happens to you when your caring for your parent. The insanity kicks in from all of the 24/7 home care that you are doing for your elderly parent and killing yourselves. It's called go find a facility for your parent and go get a life for yourself..don't mean to upset anyone but this is what it's all about if you continue to care for someone. All I'm hearing in this forum is all about the money...

Wow a lot of discussion on a very touchy subject!

Your Mom's money is indeed hers while she is alive. If she is mentally competent, you should discuss with her (and also, possibly, her attorney if she has one) a fair amount you should be paid for your work. This is perfectly fair and reasonable, as long as you can document your hours and expenses, and as long as your Mom has the funds. Make sure you have a written agreement. If she is short of cash but owns a home outright, it may be possible for her to obtain a reverse mortgage in order to pay you for your services.
And if your Mom doesn't have a will, she sure needs one. Personally, I think it's less likely to create problems between you and your sister in the future, if the will is divided equally, but in the meantime you've been paid for your services, than if the will is restructured with your Mom's agreement, to give you more from the will, but not pay you for services now.
Reading the answers above, it is clear that a lot of bitterness is left when hard-working caregivers get nothing for their services.

Wow! alot of different views! me personally I suppose its different my mum has helped me out financially when i couldnt work due to an accident. I dont expect her to leave me a bigger inheritance BUT i will be asking for a small weekly salary and if my siblings have a problem with that then they can stuff their inheritance and mum goes into a NH which will take big chunk of it!
As a fulltime carer and a VERY selfish family who do zip I would expect siblings who have done nothing to care for their parents to give the carer something out of their inheritance for all the hard work that they couldnt have been bothered to do?
If anyone knows of any sibling who has done this out of the kindness of their heart let me know!!!!!
I agree that a will is our parents wishes and should be respected wouldnt it be nice though if the siblings just gave the carer something back?
I know I wouldnt have a problem giving them something if the tables were turned but then thats why im the carer because im the one with a heart!
I dont think money can make up for peace of mind and id prefer to have no money than live with the guilt of never being there for mum!

Ikledner: You have read a lot of opinions on here and unfortunately we have all either felt just like you or we have choked those feelings down and just kept going because no one else was willing to bear the load. I have had a wide swing of feelings myself and I wrestle with the same issues you have mentioned.

I have two sisters who both work jobs and make money each and everyday. They are both paying into Social Security for the future, if it's still there. I too feel like since I am the sole 24/7 caregiver that I should be given a larger share of the inheritance, since I am not being paid a cent to do this. I do however live in her home, pay rent, along with my daughter and one sister but I am the caregiver and have been for 7 years, prior to that it was my father being cared for.

If your mother has a Trust, she probably wrote it up where there were equal shares of the inheritance as mine did. They never took into account any care or expenses that one child might provide over the others. Did your mother give her Durable Power of Attorney to you or your sister? Who calls the shots for Mom's care? I have a feeling your sister may be the one who basically has the power as you have had to go to her for requests. The thing is if Mom does have a Trust you can go to the attorney and ask them to assist you with writing up a form that you are providing care to Mom and she is compensating you. Your sister should have offered to pay you for your services, but they are never going to do it, generally speaking, because that is coming out of Mom's assets which means less money to be divided when Mom dies. If outside help is needed they are fully aware that they must pay for services provided, but when it comes to family providing care they turn a blind eye and feel that you should require no compensation. You mentioned there had been or currently was 3-4 aides....who pays for them?

The thing is you are afraid to come straight out and tell your sister that you want compensation, so you "beat around the bush" and tell her how financially strapped you are and how you may lose your home. If you truly are providing 24/7 care to your mother, then you need to contact your sister and tell her..."Patty I am now providing 24/7 care for Mom, which means that two of the aides are no longer here and I am driving back and forth, I believe that for the care I am giving Mom at this time I should be compensated $--- per hour for the work I am doing. I am going to the attorney and having him draw up a form for my compensation. Although I have been providing care for free for # of months, I can no longer financially afford to keep doing this."

You are going to have to ask for COMPENSATION FOR YOUR CURRENT WORK, I do not believe your sister will agree to pay you a larger portion of Mom's inheritance, but the compensation now is what you may get.

I do not know financially how much money your mother has, but if your mother's illness becomes much worse and she needs to go into a nursing home, will she ever need to go on Medicaid? You need to think about that because they basically have to spend down all their money on their care until they have only $2,000, so you will not have any "inheritance" left, therefore it is better to take the compensation for work performed NOW. If you think you can take her money and hide it, forget about it, they do a 5 year look back on all income and expenses, they will make you account for every cent.

It is better to take compensation for the work you are performing now, than to hope there will be money left when Mom dies so you can have half of the inheritance.

By the way, since your Mom has dementia, she can no longer make changes to her Trust, therefore the DPOA is who is in charge. I urge you to ask for the compensation now for the care you provide.

Share and share alike is what all non-caregiving siblings would like to do without spending any of the money for care. Share and share alike has more than one connotation when someone requires 24/7 care. Many non-caregiving siblings have a sense of entitlement. Share equally in the responsibility for that care then in the estate when someone passes. Or, have other beneficiaries equally contribute to the expense of providing the care to leave an estate intact.

First get your mother on medicaid. there are 2 types community and regular medicaid for nursing home care. If she makes to much for medicaid. tell them you are going to open up a supplement needs pool trust. there are mulit kinds depending on her assets. talk to an elder care attorney they will direct you in the right direction. Then utilize the medicaid CDPAP program for helping your mom with daily needs and assitance to keep her at home.(if that is what you want) other wise she would be put into assistant living. and you and your husband can get back on track while not neglecting mom. good luck.

I agree with Rosetindall.....our freedom is much more important!
Mom's will states everything is to be divided equally among her children (minus the large amounts of money each of them borrowed and never attempted to pay back....except me....I have never borrowed any.....the will states they are to pay this money back or it will be deducted from their share.....and if nothing is left at the end they must still pay it back......but I doubt that will ever happen!

Mom lives with me and my husband. She gives us $300 a month. A pretty good deal considering mom has NO debt and her only monthly expense is health insurance which is around $250. She has plenty saved and invested...in other words, mom is financially stable. This living arrangement has been going on for almost two years. I have DPOA. Mom's lawyer is aware of $300 a month we receive and it's documented in her file.

I'm sure I sound like a broken record because I've made some of these points before. I'm only 46 and my mom is 75. Most of the caregivers I read about are in their 50's and 60's, sometimes 70's taking care of parents who are in their 80's and 90's. I feel young to be a caregiver compared to others on this site. When I think about my mom's negativity about life and how she has chosen to live it (TV is her world) I think to myself "What have I got myself into?" Also, "Do I really want to continue down this path for who knows how many years while mom's dementia progresses?" (She has mild to moderate) Do I want to give up a part of myself to someone who quite frankly wasn't there for me after I turned 18? Who missed out on so much of my life and the lives of her grandchildren because she wanted to....with my dad....."do their own thing?"

So, I've spoken to my siblings and have started the process of looking for assisted living for mom. Soon I will visit some facilities and see what's out there. It doesn't mean I won't visit mom. I will. But I can "get my freedom" back and mom can continue to do what she's been doing......a whole lot of nothing.....and this is her choice......she LOVES doing nothing....and watching negative news on television, over and over! Believe me, I've tried to get her involved! I just don't care to be a part or a witness to that choice any longer. It's sad to see, it really is. Mom didn't even watch her grandchild graduate......TV was more important (shaking my head).

Who knows? Maybe moving to assisted living will force her to be more social, meeting people her age, etc. My biggest fear is she will go downhill in AL and then I will have guilt. At this point, I am willing to take that chance.

I don't care about mom's money! Someone told me the other day "You have done enough." Guess what? This person is so right! It took weeks and months to organize mom's paperwork.....it was a mess when my other sibling was the original POA. I've made meals, give medications three times a day, wash her clothes, answered the same questions over and over (I know she can't help this but, UGH!) I've listened to mom complain about why she needs her hair cut, why she needs a shower, why she needs her hair washed, why she needs to go to the doctors, why she doesn't want to call anyone (like her sibling who ALWAYS has to call her), and holidays are "just another day", blah, blah, blah..........I.have.had.it. She has "stirred the pot" more than once between me and my siblings until the siblings finally had a discussion that we were not going to let this happen anymore. I can only take so much! That and the fact that.....without going into detail.....I have a teenager that requires major surgery next year. I get filled with anxiety thinking about the challenges my child has faced since diagnosis and the pain he endures on a daily basis. I love my mom, but my child will always be my priority 100%!

Bottom line: Mom tells me she's lived her life, she's content to sit around and do nothing, doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything..........won't even make herself a sandwich (guess it takes too long and it's hard for her to stand because she sits all day and then moves to her bed in the evening....muscle weakness) then she should do it somewhere else on her own dime......and she has many dimes. My siblings agree. Negativity brings me down and at this point in my life I don't want to be around it anymore. I have to stay focused and keep my chin up for my teenager!

I will try and make the holidays enjoyable for mom and do my best to get her involved but I'm not bending over backwards......I will focus on my husband and kids! :)

I know mom is going to be upset when we have this talk.....the pouting will begin....and she may not talk to me after she's moved in but I'll have to deal with that like everything else I have to deal with.....one day at a time.

Have a great day everyone!