How to tell my sister that I should be paid or get more than 1/2 of the inheritance for taking care of mom?

I am the only child who stepped in to take care of our mother when she got ill. Even though I was the youngest of 3 (by many years!), it still fell to me. When it started I was in a financial situation to help and not worry about reimbusement, but since my husband is now disabled with Early Onset AD, I am left with trying to supplement S.S.D.I and also help out when mom needs it. She is now in skilled nursing under Medicaid, so there is no money left! It is HARD to do it all when there are other siblings, regardless of the reason they don't get involved...I feel you should be paid for the care you give, you can decide what you do and don't do for money. But you should not do it all and get nothing. Be careful however seeking more than half when your mom passes. Even going through jewelry my sister and I got into a fight! It isn't worth it to have that anger linger, so try to get your sister to understand your need/desire to receive more after your mom passes. Best of luck to you.

"Country Mouse" is right in saying that most likely, a parent will choose to leave any money equally to all children. However, that money also is to be used for the person's care. If it is too hard for you to be the caregiver (and it sounds like your mom has aides that help out with care), then use the money to hire round-the-clock care or for a good nursing home or assisted living placement. You simply can not take care of a parent because you expect to get more of the inheritance.

The trouble with a caregiver gig is that it turns a person's brains to mush to the point it's hard to figure out WHAT to do.

My suggestion is to step aside from the emotional triggers, eliminate the guesswork and SEE AN ATTORNEY.

Find out exactly where you stand and what it would take to get compensation and perhaps recoup your losses. If you cannot afford an attorney, you can contact your local legal aid group and ask for help.

Blessings for all in this situation and may peace prevail.

And while speaking of getting other help. In my case that would not be possible. I tried to hire outside caregivers to come in. My mom physically tried to throw one out of the house. She will not go anywhere with strangers, nor will she tolerate one in her home.

So, I take her to a day program that gives me about 30 hours a week. There are caregivers that work 40 hours, but they have other help that can be relied upon. I know several cases where the other caregiver comes in three hours in the morning, transports to day care, comes back to pick up a day care, prepares dinner.... In my area just those six hours, there is a three hour minimum here, would cost $90.00 a day! If the family caregiver is emotionally stable, and patient they are providing care that cannot be bought anywhere! To do so for nothing only benefits other beneficiaries.

Thanks for all your imputs!

first of all, my mother lives in another state, NYC. The medicaide in her state in far better than in my state. The time to travel is all depends of the traffic. I tried my best not to go during rush hour. NYC traffic is very unpredicatable. My sister and I agreed for now until she can get medicaide, that she is to remain home with the help from the aides 24 hours a day, although we don't know what she will be like a year to 5 years from now. We never know if she going to get sick or hurt herself. Although I hired the aides, my mom rarely go out therefore, I am the one who go food and accessories shopping, take her to doctors, etc. My sister and I are working with elder lawyer for over two years and still havnt set up trusts for mom! Too much long distance communication! Unfortunately, due to my mom dementia, she is not capable to make any type of decisions, so making another will is out of question. I did bring up about getting money to help with my expenses, but the law is against any indirect expenses. I am still working with the lawyer to see if we can be cleared with this. I cannot work for two reasons: One is i have a lot of health issues and to make long story short, I need approximate 5 surgeries! And the other is taking care of my mom is unpredictable! She was hospitized many times and I cannot start a new job and leave everytime something goes wrong with mom! I f I cannot get an allowance as one of you mentioned, then I will have to spend less time with mom and try to find a way to work from home. I hope within the next few days, my sister and I will clear this mess and get started on the trust before the year is out! Thank you all for wonderful support! I am glad that I am not alone in this!

If your parent already has a medical condition that compromises his/her ability to make decisions, re-writing your parent's will would be unethical. If, on the other hand, your parent's memory and/or cognitive abilities are not impaired, then your parent may choose to have his/her will changed.

Talk to your sibling or have an intermediary speak with your sibling. Why would your sibling reject the idea of having you draw money from your parent's assets to help care for your parent? As long as your parent's assets are used in the best interest of your parent, your sibling shouldn't have a problem with it. Drawing from your parent's assets, for care giving, is not a violation of trust.

And if you feel you can no longer care for your parent based on the toll caregiving is taking on your life, tell your sibling you can no longer do this, and that other arrangements for care must be made. If you destroy yourself caring for your parent, neither you nor your parent benefit in any way. Getting in-home care assistance, by drawing from your parent's assets, may be one way to get much needed relief. Use of your parent's assets for respite care, is also an option. And if you tell your sibling you're at the end of your rope and simply can't care for your parent any more, your sibling may offer options you've not thought of to provide caregiver relief.

I’ve had this discussion with several of my siblings already. My parents collected things to pay for their retirement. I have a couple of siblings who feel that they are entitled to these items before my mom passes away.
I have told all of them that if I have to sell every last thing that they have to get my mom good care, then I will.
Whether that means that I get paid for taking care of her 24/7 or if she is in an assisted living facility. To me it only matters that she is being cared for well. I’m meeting with an attorney tomorrow to iron out the details.
Talking to your mother about it might not help since she does have dementia but you can try.
If you can get an elder attorney (which much of the time they will give you a free consult) if you can get one to advise you on putting together a contract for you to get paid for the hours that you are taking care of her. Present this to your sister. You are doing a job. It isn’t easy. I take care of my mom who has dementia 24/7 and I love her, but it’s a job. It takes away from my income. It’s actually cut it in half. That’s a hard hit to take on one’s family.
I used to drive 11 hours (each way) once a month to go check on my parents because none of my other siblings would. I spent close to $40,000 over the course of 4 years when my dad was ill. I have siblings who say that I spent that money out of the goodness of my heart and that I shouldn’t be reimbursed for any of it. And, I wasn’t reimbursed. That is money I will never see again, but I’m still paying those credit cards off.
I feel that if you are spending that much time taking care of your mom and it is preventing you from getting a full time job, then you should be paid for taking care of her. Even if it is the $10/hour that some of the private pay respite care providers charge. It adds up and will help your family.
You have already mentioned to your sister the inheritance issue. Why not pursue the being paid for your time issue.
There are some states that will pay family members for taking care of the elderly. You can find this out through Medicaid. There are fewer states doing this nowadays without the care receiver being qualified for Medicaid.
If she qualifies for Medicaid (which she may not if there are asset that you are fighting over) then the state will pay you money for caring for her. They prefer that to her going into a nursing home.

Good luck to you. It’s hard when everyone is fighting over money that doesn’t even belong to them yet. I look at it as though it is my mom’s money and I will use it to take care of her the best I can. If there is anything left after that, then it will be split evenly (between 9 siblings here).
Bless you and take care.

The inheritance IS part of it here because in addition to survival now, future survival is also a serious problem. A caregiver may never be able to "catch up" and provide adequately for himself/herself. It's too bad this even has to be considered at all but it's an ugly truth.

Scared and all others that think a child should do this for nothing. Just something to think about. For the sake of argument:

Say mom raised you and siblings in the house all of childhood. She made sure everyone knew she never wanted to go to a nursing home. She also has a trust in place that states anyone is to be paid for a service they provide and those monies are to be withdrawn on a monthly basis to pay for her care. One of several siblings steps up to care for mom to keep her in her home. Sibling does this out of love, most would never do this for someone I didn't. To complicate matters, mom develops Alzheimer's and all know that the best place for her is at home.

One of the children does all of the care for mom, give up career, home, family to provide the care. Wouldn't any parent want that child justly compensated, especially if that child does everything? If all shared equally in the responsibilities then that is another story. Other children live in the immediate area and continue on with their lives and careers and family and home but just do not have the time required. That child providing care is not paid because another sibling has POA's and controls all funds.

Wouldn't parent want money to go to family rather than a facility? ie pay for care provided by a child? Even if money is exhausted Medicaid allows payment to family caregiver with a contract in place for a reason. It saves the system money in the long run. There are many misnomers about Medicaid. It is not second class health care. It is the same care that anybody that privately pays would receive. Many nice facilities have a number of Medicaid beds to move private pay residents to when money is exhausted.

The "inheritance" is not the issue here - it's your financial survival NOW (not after Mom passes away) Does anyone have your Mom's power of attorney (POA)?? Is mom competent enough to give it to you (even if your sister has it now, your mother can change that!) so you can draw a wage for caring for her? You are speaking as though your sister, even though she is living out of the country, is in charge of everything - not sure if I read that correctly or not, but if that is the case, then that needs to change. Talk to your mother, let her know that you are going to have to get some financial help, or you can no longer care for her. If her dementia is too severe for her to understand that, then you MUST tell your sister exactly that. Do NOT talk to her about the "inheritance" - talk to her about your financial survival NOW. Let her know that if you can not get paid NOW, just like any other caregiver who would be caring for your Mom and expect to be paid, that you will have to start looking for a nursing home for Mom so you can support your family before you are out on the streets.

I love it when people come on here and go on and on about moral obligation. Sure, most of us are driven by moral obligations. But to those who think we should ask for nothing, when the sick one dies and the caregiver has no money, no place to live, no future means of survival, no relationships because EVERYTHING was sacrificed, maybe YOU can come in and support these folks. Quite obviously, these people don't have these worries. It's a cold world out there, and it's all about the dollars and cents and SENSE.

It may be tougher, considering your mother's current state, to change her will. But if that's an option, I suggest you have her write a new will, leaving a sum of money specifically for you to acknowledge the sacrifices you made in caring for her. Then, split the estate 50/50. Wording it in that way should prevent your sister feeling slighted (unless she's determined to feel that way). In the olden days, it was common language in wills to leave a specified amount to "whomever took care of me during my last illness." Same idea.
Or, if your mom has enough income, I suggest, as others have, that you determine a fair rate for the care you're providing and have her pay you (in a way that's documented).

If your parent has a Will, that will should be honored, no matter what your feelings are about taking care of your parent. A Will is legal, binding, and any one who takes it upon themselves to forgo a parent's last wishes because they believe, for whatever the reason, that they are entitled to more of their parent's assets will have to contest their parent's Will and have the courts decide whether or not you have standing. It's not your decision to make.

So true what Rosetindall said, there are so many people who will not admit it out loud or to themselves that their major concern is saving the money. Well, you are right, freedom is priceless, and after you have killed yourself trying to save the money for yourself in the future, and not give it to a place that will prolong your life and give your loved one a better quality of care, you will find yourself tired, old and sick and then what will be done with the money, you'll give it to someone else to care for you, or if you are unlucky enough you'll be so sick you'll die and the state will take your coveted money.

If you are doing this for the money, you are not in the right place. I cannot believe anyone would view this care as being a reason to get a bigger cut of the pie. I'm sorry, but you need to re-think what you are doing and why. You need to pray about this because we aren't to gather things in this life, but prepare for the next one where no one can take our rewards.

Of course you deserve more. Think about what you are saving the estate if she were to be in a facility. However, what if she lives a long time and there is nothing left to split with your sister? You should be paid from your mom's money for caring for her now. It may be all gone by the time she dies. Think about the sacrifices you are making for the benefit of your mom's comfort and happiness.

You need a care agreement prepared by an elder law attorney that is compliant with Medicaid rules. Most states allow payment to family caregivers for necessary care as documented by a doctor. Why should sister benefit from your sacrifice? Been there, done that!

Rosetilldall - You hit the nail on the head. I couldn't agree more. It is their money, not ours. And the freedom is priceless. Before we know it, we will be looking up and maybe, just maybe, someone will be taking care of us. I am 50 and just bought long term care insurance because I would never put my own family in the situation my parents put us in by not planning. So sad, but it is what it is. I am tired every day. I try to make steps to improve my own quality of life and I am!! It is hard but I will not let this ruin my. I love them but I love me more. I can't wait o have fun again and love life. It will come, just not yet.

xo
-SS

yes we are going to court . 1st you have to file a Motion you can do this "pro se" and save yourself attorney fees, ask for the going rate. your mother should also have an allowance to live on, that pays for her food, medicine, etc, this is usually their social security check.
how do your mothers bills get paid? is their a POA? good luck!

I took care of my mom for 2 years 24/7. No money in the world can give me those 2 years back. I tried holding on to that so called inheritance money for all of the family members and myself. It is so not worth it. It's not our money it's our parents money for their care that they need full time. I hear everyone bickering about how much work they do but that's what it's all about when it comes to their care and that's why they need a facility for that. I placed my mom in a very nice facility and oh my god I hear on this forum how I used to be. It's not worth all the work you guys are doing to hold onto this money. Freedom is priceless..... I also have siblings that never helped out with anything. Focus on your life cause it goes by quick when your caring for an elder person. I can visit my mom now and do her wash for her. It took her a while to adjust to the new place but now she likes it there. Start living and let that money go...

My Husband and I had to leave our jobs to care for my MIL after her stroke.At first I quit my PT job to take care of her and my husband was still working,however he then took early retirement because it was evident she needed 24 hour care.Between the two of us we manage fine.My BIL and SIL live out of state so therefore are not here to physically help but are a great comfort and support to my Husband and I by giving us moral support. My MIL has a sizeable estate but I would never think we were entitled to more for doing what we do for her.We do it because we Love her and agreed to this because none of us wanted to put her in a Nursing Home. She always feared that. Everyones situation IS different,I would talk this over with your sibling and a Lawyer and see if there is a legal way to resolve this,feeling entitlement I feel is probably not the best way to proceed. Good Luck and I will say a Prayer for you and your Family lkledner.

ejbunicorn I agree! Some do it just for the money and do not give the best care that should be given. So much greed in families now days.

I think that whatever money is available should go toward that parent(s) care - whoever or whatever is providing that care whether it is a child, hired homecare workers, or a facility, etc.. I don't think an inheritance should even be a topic of discussion until the parent passes on and if there is anything left. Only then would it be fair to divide up any of the estate that may be left.

Bottom line it is you mother's money. However she can compensate you for your services, if she is so inclined. The best way to handle such a situation is via a caretaker's Agreement that spells out the parameters of your duties and how you are gong to be compensated, It must be an arms length agreement. It is best to have an elder lawyer involved. Understand that this compensation represents taxable income. The compensation must be less than what a private in home care provider would charge.

Just one comment, I agree that mother's money is hers and is for HER comfort, her care should not be compromised because the kids don't want to have her cared for in a residential setting, care she deserves and needs if it is not feasible to be done by one or whomever. I think it is lousy to hang onto caring for someone you really can't just because you want the money when they are gone. You probably will be gone yourself soon if you take on all the responsibility of caring alone and the State will take the inheritance. Money sucks, it is a necessary evil, but it should never stand in the way of someone's care.

Everyone's situation is different. First question is, are you and your husband living with mom in her house at this point? Do you have POA for her because it can get difficult to make medical decisions for a parent long term and with so many hospital stays if you don't have POA, is she capable of making medical decisions?

I have a sibling who has told me he's entitled to more than half of whatever because he used to work on the parents cars 20 years ago when our dad was in his 50s and he was still working full time. Never mind the fact our parents helped set him up in a house, so I think he's been paid back for the little bit of work he did. A little detail he leaves out. Anyway, if your husband is unemployed, you are struggling and in a position where you have to pay for some things for your mom, then your mom should be on Medicaid and of course there is probably some social security benefit to her as well. It sounds like the sister doesn't really care either way, even though she's out of country, she probably knows the financial situation your mother is in. And thus what is the inheritance if you have to pay for some of her needs? I'm going to guess the home. I'd ask the sister for financial help to pay for some of those things mom needs that you're covering, have her split it with you. Also Mom can keep the house and be on Medicaid, but as soon as she goes into a nursing facility for a certain amount of time, the house must be sold. Medicaid is very strict. If this is the situation actually, husband is not working, maybe he has disability, you keep looking for work, mom eventually goes into a home, then the house must be sold and the funds go to Medicaid as I understand it or whatever medical debt your mom has when she passes will not be covered by Medicaid until the rest of her property is sold and that covers it. If you and mom manage to keep things going, and keep her off Medicaid to hang onto the inheritance, and she passes, the estate must still go to probate, and I can tell you for a fact, attorney's don't care who did what or who says what, in the end it'll be divided in half. Just don't let the attorney's stir up the hornets nest so to speak and drag it out, and most will, the only thing accomplished by that is the attorney's get to charge you more, they love it when siblings fight over inheritance. You can try to get mom to do a living trust, with a clause that you get more because of the help you gave her. A friend of mine just went through this, it took two years of hearings, she was dragged through the mud. In the end after the medical cost her mother incurred, there wasn't much left anyway and it was like a nightmare of a probate hearing. If you do try to do the trust, it will cost to do it, no cheap.

You might consider moving her in with you if you have your own place, or get your own place, even just rent somewhere, then you can technically use some of her social security to pay for the utilities and such since she's using some of them, same with food. You won't have the drive anymore either to take care of her which will save on fuel cost. The time saved because you don't have to drive so much, will give you more time to look for work. When she gets sick again and has to go into the hospital, you can keep her in the hospital, then transfer her to skilled nursing for a while which medicare will cover to give yourself a break before she comes back home. Almost everybody here knows how that goes. Good luck, everyone's situation is so different, hopefully you can get some good ideas here, something that will help you out.

I'm in somewhat of a similar situation. I'm trying to work to pay my own bills and hang on, my dad wants me to quit working and move in with him, if I do that I know I'll be homeless when he passes, that's a guarantee, so I'm doing what I can now to find more work, and take care of myself because if you can't take care of yourself first, you can't take care of anybody else. I've been driving back and forth to his house for ten years, hospital stays, heart attacks, cancer, etc....

As catjohn22 said, if your mom is not competent, you wouldn't be able to get the will changed. Anyway, changing the will will probably poison your relationship with sis permanently.

Consult an elder law attorney, or the attorney who drew up the will to see about compensation now for caring for your mom. It makes more sense for you to get paid now, rather than wait for your mom to die. Think of this as getting your inheritance early (and you are performing a job that you should be compensated for.) Also, keep all receipts of expenses you've paid for mom's care and get reimbursement.

If your sister doesn't agree, tell her she will need to move back and split the care. The only other option is to pay a stranger to take care of her. Hopefully, your sister will see the foolishness of that idea.

The 50/50 split only applies to whatever money is left in the estate after your mom passes. By the time your mom does pass, the estate will be smaller anyway and your sister will get less.

Inheritance and compensation for expenses are two different issues. We do not control the way in which those for whom we care divide their estate. It is okay for the person being cared for to cover their own costs if it is possible. This may reduce the size of their estate but that is not the issue. The focus is on making sure the person receives the appropriate care. If this means spending all of their assets and going on Medicaid then that is what needs to be done. I know our situations all differ some so it is difficult to give universal advice. Making sure someone receives care is different from providing all of that ourselves. Bring in outside resources and assistance. Take care of yourself. It is true that those who do not serve as caregivers likely will not understand the true cost/impact care-giving has on a person and their nuclear family. I assume those folks have issues to deal with which I do not and perhaps I do not fully understand their situation. Inheritance is tricky and sticky and typically something you want clearly spelled out in a legal document and then ignored until it happens.

Good info above but some clarification needed. If mom has dementia, and can be in the moment when talking to her, and shrundrrstands things, you may be able to get her to sign documents like a will, POA, and a living will. If you can get your sibling to agree, a Caregivers Agreement which allows payment to you. If you don't have the CGA and mom goes to a skilled nursing home and you apply for medicaid, the payments to you may be considered a gift and disqualify mom from help for a period of time.

Look into daycare. We have a program here in Pittsburgh Pa area that is covered by medicaid, takes over their medical...relieving the person of the cost of a medicare
supplement. The day care picks up the client, feeds them and keeps them active while there...then takes them home.

Remember, like in an airplane, when the air mask comes down in front of you...they tell you yo put it on yourself before you try to help anyone....you are no good to anyone if you can't breath. Same with caregiving...you need to MAKE time for your self. If you don't, you will resent he situation your parents put you in.

As for Veterns benefits, if dad was a qualifying war Veteran, his widow is entitled to up to $1113 pr month to help offset her care costs. It is currently taking 8-12 months to get the benefit. If you get your US congressman or US senator to follow up after 4-5 months....may be less. Currently, the claimant can get benefits with higher income and assets if proper planning is done! This can slow the bleed of the savings. You need a qualified advisor go help wiyh this...the VA cannot offer advice. They are only there to submit an application.

Google Filial Responsibility....years ago, before our lives got so crazy, the family took care of the parents...it was a given. Today, families have moved away from the home base...the children are busy with their own lives. It can be a burden to take care of our parents....but they brought us into his world and took care of us....with no expectation of being paid. They gave their all...paid for our college in some cases, used their retirement money for this.....and we forget all this when it comes time to help them in their time of need. I understand the hardships and it isn't always fair. The siblings living away just don't understand what the local siblings go through on a daily basis. Don't let yourself get to a state of resentment. Call your local Area Agency on Aging (waiver programs)...look for daycare/home care options. Explain to your sister...if you don't do it...who will? She will have to pay someone else to care for mom. Good luck in your journey!

AA7, exactly. Smartest thing ever.

Didn't mean to hit "5". ....ooops