I've posted a couple of times before. This is an update and a plea for help.
Mom is 76 and has had MS for 50+ years. She moved away from her family 35 years ago with a man who became her caregiver. They were very secretive about her health and needs, so we never had a clear picture of how she was doing.
Her partner passed away, and mom was brought back to the area where her family lives. We acquired the house next door to mine with the intention of making this a group family effort. My brother moved in with her, stair lifts were installed (it's a 2 story house). I pay her bills, manage appointments, etc. and my brother does the hands-on caregiving. I have severe COPD, and the accompanying limitations.
My brother works a part time job mid afternoon to about 10 PM. I have a corporate job that I, thankfully, work from my home office. I work about 60 hours a week.
Mom insists on using the stair lift on her own when she knows it's unsafe to do so. Initially, she was lying about using it, but we caught her at it several times. She won't stop. She has chronic UTIs, but frankly it's hard to tell the difference between that weird behavior and her status quo.
Many, many PT/OT people have been sent packing. Same as the visiting nurse she agreed to that her doctor set up. It was supposed to be M/W/F. The nurse came on Monday and it was fine. The nurse returned on Wednesday and mom went nuts on her and ordered her out of the house. We're getting used to constantly apologizing for her.
She really shouldn't be left alone when my brother goes to work. When it's warmer out, I can go sit with her (even though she resents it and is abusive the whole time), but I can't do that in the winter because of my lungs. She refuses to allow a third party come in and sit with her.
Lately, she has been saying that she wants to "get out from under my thumb". My "thumb" being that I remind her that it's not safe to use the stair lift when she's alone or asking her what she had for dinner. She said she would like to move to an apartment or assisted living so that she "wouldn't be a burden" to us. Of course, any time she has been in rehab or when her partner would take advantage of a respite opportunity, it's been total tears the whole time: "Get me out of here", "I hate it here", "I want to go home".
She has been hospitalized three times since she came back into our lives last June, and had a couple of weeks of rehab after each hospitalization. Hated the first two. Really liked the last place, which also has a residence facility next door. Talked to her about that place. She was gung ho.
I called them last week and explained the situation. The person I spoke to consulted with the rehab staff, looked at mom's record of her recent stay and said she would likely be "level 2 care" Assisted Living (there are 2 higher levels of care above this) and lo and behold they have ONE 1 bedroom apartment that will be available after carpeting is replaced tomorrow.
Now all of a sudden, mom is totally against it. She says she doesn't want to leave her house (which she tells us literally dozens of times a week how much she hates it and that she wants an apartment). Won't let anyone come to the house to help her. She is defiant. Talks non-stop about wanting to die.
We cannot go on like this. This is killing my brother, and it's killing me. She sabotages our every attempt to keep her safe and as healthy as she can be. She lies. She tries to pit me against my brother and vice versa (but we are wise to it, and have made her aware that there are no secrets between us).
To be completely honest, she has always been a miserable person. She has never been a loving, affectionate mom. She seems hell bent on self-destruction and it appears she wants to take us with her.
I refuse. My brother refuses. This has got to stop. What options do we have? My brother has no intention of abandoning her, but he can't continue like this. Please help.
But yeah, I do have a great career as a business analyst, making a very good living, plus I get to work from my home office. In my jammies. I'm a lucky girl, in that regard!
Hey, if you have a great career already, pay me no mind. But you're really good at this stuff.
;-)
I wish you could all hear the conversation taking place in my head:
"You must feel relieved!"
"Yeah. I should. What's wrong with me?"
"Well, you feel like you gave up, and that's not what you do."
"Isn't that accurate though? That I gave up?"
"You tried your best to do a good job, but mom wanted to lie and play games."
"Yep. It's a hard enough job without being sabotaged. I guess I'll be ok."
"Good. Now exhale and move forward."
During my last phone call with mom on Sunday, when all this came to a head, I told her "I can't do this anymore. I have tried my best, and you seem intent on making it harder, if not impossible. Well I just can't do it anymore." I'm guessing she didn't believe me. Truth be told, I get all choked up when I think about her getting Certified Mail. It seems so cold somehow. I dunno. I'm just free-associating here, and for some reason the image in my head of her getting that mail from me is really painful for me.
I have called her three times since Sunday, asking her to call me, as I had a couple of questions. Like "is your lot number really 123?" (I talked to the site manager and verified it), "I'm planning to keep these particular bills set up with autopay. Is that ok?" (I ended up leaving all the autopays in place), and "The post office change of address won't forward your catalogs. Do you want me to call each one and update your address, or do you still feel like you get too many catalogs and want me to leave them be?" (She gets three or four catalogs a day here at my address. As I find the time, I'm just going to go ahead and call each place and update her mailing address).
So I've called her three times, yet she hasn't answered the phone nor called me back. Of course I worry that something happened, and I know that brother and his wife would never call to let me know. But then I realize that she's probably mad because I ruined her game by getting her to tell me about the new accounts at the new bank. So she's just refusing to return my calls, I guess. I was really hoping to talk to her before the certified mail arrives to reiterate that I am, indeed, done with this as I said on Sunday. And that she will finally be free of my "meddling". And that I'm sending the resignation to her by certified mail, because that's what I'm supposed to do.
Instead, I just have this picture in my head of my tiny, sick mother getting certified mail, being freaked out and not understanding what it means.
I know. I know. But still... Crap. Crap. Crap.
It's going to be ok. It's going to be ok. It's going to be ok...
Buy yourself a dress/outfit/ensemble that makes you feel FABULOUS. AND make sure you buy some un- sensible shoes. ( advice from a 49 year old bride, 14 years married now).
Now that you have finally gotten all of her affairs in order, man that must feel good! You will be able to turn it over to the next lucky person in line, to try to manage her from here on out, Good for you! I'm happy that you have a wonderful life even coming, your Wedding Day, and that from here on out, you can begin looking forward to happiness in your life and less stress! So I say You Go Girl! Ho forth, and have a Wonderful Wedding Day, and life with your Honey!
You give us all hope, in dealing with hopeless dysfunctional family members!
I'm started to get excited about the wedding. We have our wedding bands (simple gold bands with something meaningful engraved inside), the place is reserved, I got an awesome haircut/color (it's been over two years since I took the time to get my hair cut), and we got our marriage license last week.
I still have no idea what I will wear, but I'm not a white dress kind of girl :-) It will all work out. I just have to keep from thinking about how I'd always hoped -- in years past -- that my mom would be there. No one is invited except my BFF and Good Brother. We're taking them out to dinner afterwards. Oh, and we both have the day after the wedding off.
Best wishes on your upcoming wedding!
I've put together a Word doc showing each entity, when/how I updated her address and who I spoke to, if applicable. In a separate area of the doc, I put a note that she needs to go to her primary bank in person to update her address/phone. There is a branch near her new residence.
I think I can actually, physically feel the weight lifting from my shoulders. It's weird. I must finally really be ok with this, because normally the weight would be feeling greater due to the guilt.
I have no guilt.
Also on the Word doc is additional information about what bills are set up to automatically be paid from which account/credit card and on what day of the month. There's also a reminder note there that says that her Social Security is automatically deposited to her checking account around the 3rd of each month.
I can honestly say that I am handing over a tidy, complete package which is a far, far cry from what landed in my lap a year and a half ago. She had NO ID, had no idea what bills she had, where her money came from or where it was deposited. No idea what assets she had. No Social Security card, and didn't know her number. It was a holy mess.
In the past 18 months, I have gotten her finances organized, made sure all of her bills were paid on time, managed repair/maintenance/cleaning on her other home that was four hours away, and took care of the sale of that property, tracked down a certified copy of her birth certificate, and even called in a favor from our state representative when the license bureau wouldn't issue mom a state ID with her name spelled properly because both first and last name were spelled wrong on her birth certificate.
All of that would have been really hard, even if she had been cooperative and nice to me. But taking care of it all while dealing with lies, deception and vile nastiness... Well, it broke my spirit.
It's almost over now, and I seem to be getting excited!
I had nightmares about this all night long. I'm sure you can all guess what they consisted of: Me being horrible and so on. I woke up actually considering continuing to manage her finances. But I talked to my SO about it, and he was able to talk me down. He is a kind, gentle, wonderful human being, and I am so lucky to have him in my life.
So I took a deep breath and continued to prepare for the severing of ties. I have my "resignation letter" prepared (I found good examples online) and will be getting several copies notarized. My mom's will go to her via Certified Mail.
I made a list of all of the places that need her new address, as my home has been her mailing address for over a year. She didn't want to even see the bills/statements, so everything came right to me. As soon as I make my way through this list, everything will be going to her. She, my brother and his wife can pick up where I leave off.
All of her bills are paid. All of her credit cards have zero balances. There is nothing due anywhere. I do have some of her bills set up to be paid automatically, and I will leave them set up that way. They can change it if they want.
I think I should send her a simple list of her bills and how they are paid or something. I certainly don't want to make things difficult for anyone.
I'd been thinking I should include a letter or something with the notarized POA resignation letter, explaining why I'm not going to do it anymore. I've decided not to. I've told her I'm done and I told her why on that last phone call. Enough said.
I need to remember to also go to the USPS website and initiate a change of address for her there, too.
Anyway, I've put my resignation date as 12/15. That will give me time, hopefully, to get her contact information changed, including address and phone number, for all these places before my right to do so goes away.
I'm so saddened by this whole situation, but I'm wise enough to realize that at the core of it all, what I'm truly mourning here is that the severing of ties will mean no more chances for me to prove that I'm good enough for her to love me. I'm mourning the loss of a mother and mother-daughter relationship that I never had to begin with.
My younger daughter has 'allergic to penicillin' plastered in block capitals all over her health record and it's a matter of extreme irritation to me because I suspect she actually isn't. Can I get anyone to take this seriously and conduct a proper trial? - can I heck as like. And now she's 29 and it's out of my hands and given that she hasn't even been to the dentist or the optician in crikey knows how long what are the chances... It's, as I say, *very* unsatisfactory.
So, it's possible that the idea originally got put about for other reasons and not by Mother, that's all I mean. I blame big pharma myself, for seizing on the opportunity to market their hugely expensive synthetics.
I would not trust a word that your mother said about penicillin. She has moved from spite into cognitive impairment. Knowing your health problems in the last year, she only now "remembers" that she told you that? Do not trust; verify with your doctor. I'm allergic to penicillin - I react to moldy bread in the house, much less meds. One doesn't want to think that she would try to derail wedding but....
Your mother's personality, as golden noted, is broken. You cannot fix her. I agree with YOU that the wedding which is not centered around her and will be your happy moment is likely the trigger event for the latest meltdown. Again, not your problem. Your mother has a financial manager and the golden child and his wife. There are many avenues for your mother to get care, paid or unpaid, that do not include you.
When people actively refuse to give you the tools to help them and undermine your efforts to provide aid, it's time to stop. There are professionals that can pay your mother's bills or file taxes. I had to tell my husband this year that if his parents want to appoint him a Financial Power of Attorney and provide NO information directly, that I am not obligated, CPA or not, to take care of any and all messes they have created. Paraphrase Maya Angelou: People show us what they are, and we should believe them. You are a good person deserving of a great ceremony and happy life. A toast to the happy couple!
Well, good luck to all of you. I will always wonder how this worked out for your mom and brother.
Lassie, she has about $11K in checking and savings, but about $200K in an investment portfolio. She is young, relatively speaking: 76 years old. Only 16 years older than me. She has a lot of years ahead of her, and will need that money eventually for care and housing. Mark my words. Like I told her today, her current situation is her last chance to be cared for by family, as she has destroyed everyone else.
She has been very fortunate having you look after her finances so long. I am glad the financial managers will keep and eye on things and act if necessary. I am sure your niece does not want or need this burden.
As the the penicillin story, it makes me sick that a mother would do that to her daughter. Do you think it is true? You wouldn't want to take it and get a reaction.
As for APS, I think it is responsible of you to let them know. She is living near one of her children who are "happy" to be involved. You have done it for years and need a break. You have done a great job for her.
Time now for you. Many congratulations re your upcoming wedding. Don't let her spoil it. A typical narcissist needs to be the centre of attention all the time and will pull al kinds of antics to achieve that. Be aware.
Hope your QOL improves. You deserve it. Keep your boundaries strong, More (((((hugs))))
Also, before anyone asks, my niece who is the subordinate agent on the POA is resigning too. She wants no part of it.
The reason I am her POA to begin with is that my mom hasn't taken care of bills or written checks or anything in over 30 years. I don't believe she is capable of managing that stuff, as she can't remember anything from one moment to the next. She was going nuts on the phone with me today over $2000 that she saw "someone" had taken out of her account a month or so ago. I told her she told me, when I asked, that it was to buy appliances.
She has about $9k left in savings and $2K in checking. I have kept her credit cards paid down to $0. The bulk of her money is with a financial management firm, and I am well acquainted with the man who handles her account. We've gotten to know one another pretty well over the past year and a half, and he KNOWS me. We have confidence in one another. He knows about mom's move and what my concerns are, and there is a flag on her account. If money starts flying out, the firm will be looking into potential financial abuse.
Those of you who have followed my story from the beginning might recall that instead of being a loving mother, she was jealous of me and resented anything she felt I had/attained/acquired that she hadn't. I figure this new crap is just her attempt to sabotage my wedding two weeks from today. It's just a simple ceremony that includes my BFF and Good Brother. No big deal. But I'm sure it must be eating her up inside.
I believe that she doesn't think I would walk away from the POA. Surprise, Mom.
Her attorney is aware of Bad Brother AND Good Brother having very poor money management skills. Mom sat right there and said to her attorney when my niece (subordinate POA after me) that if either of my brothers were in charge of her money she would "be living on the street within months".
I am getting three copies of the POA Resignation notarized: One is going to mom via certified mail, one is staying with me, one is going to mom's attorney, and a non-notarized copy is going to the guy who is my mom's account manager where the bulk of her money is held.
Yes, Churchmouse, I really did try hard. I just can't do it anymore. And even though I have a tendency to beat myself up about "failing" at things, in this case I'm not even beating myself up. I can't even say, "How can you abandon her altogether? She was such a good mom to you all those years."
Well, she wasn't. She didn't protect me from my dad's violence. She didn't love and nurture me -- she envied me and was nasty to me. She has always lied to me about things, both big and small. I've gone above and beyond what someone else in my shoes probably would have done. I'm sad about it, but not sad that I'm walking away. Sad that things with her have always been so bad.
Interesting footnote that I don't think I've mentioned here: I've grown up thinking I was allergic to penicillin. My mom always told me I was. One of the illnesses I've been battling the last year or so would have been taken care of much more simply with penicillin, but we had to try other things due to my allergy. My mom recently told me that I wasn't allergic to it at all. She just told me that so that I wouldn't take it. Her words.
CM had a good point - inform the APS about your concerns and resignation.
You are a good daughter and have done what you should and more. This must be so disheartening. My heart goes out to you. ((((((((hugs))))))
Are you sure she's conscious of what she's doing? If it were me, I'd go right ahead with that resignation letter but I'd also copy in APS, just in case it isn't she who's opening the new accounts if you see what I mean...
You tried so hard. This is so unfair. Hugs x
She can't even tell me what her lot # is where she is living now, but I need to find out so that I can get her addresses changed on her accounts and initiate paper statements for her.
I am so done with all of this. I tip my hat to those of you who knew this was coming.