I moved my older sister with Alzheimer’s to MC from Independent living last weekend and it did not go well. Her out of town son and daughter actually took her as I was too heartbroken and they offered. The drop off went great and she was charmed by her new living space(private room with a bath to which we had her furniture delivered and set up.) Although we had told her she was moving, she did not remember and by evening was in a panic. She called me to see if/why I was mad at her. On Saturday, she was taken to the hospital for evaluation because she was expressing “detailed” suicidal ideations. Staff brought her back and gave her a mild sedative. Staff advised no visits for a while.
I’m struggling with what that first visit will look like and how to cope.
While I feel relief that she has 24/7 care I’m also feeling much guilt to the point of panic attacks. I’ve been her sole family caregiver since she moved here 2 years ago and we are very close.
Of course I will call to check up.
There is nothing to panic about, she is safe, she has food and water and there is someone on site 24/7. Guilt is a self-imposed emotion that you are creating and it serves no purpose, it will keep you stuck.
Be happy that she is where she needs to be.
Sending support your way.
My mom was in assisted living, and I enjoyed visiting and going to dinner with her group in the restaurant there. Nice people! One of them eventually left and gave me some of her beautiful clothes. I was touched, and I'm glad that she thought enough of me to gift them.
When mom first went there, I didn't know what to expect, but it certainly wasn't that I'd gain social contacts there too. Life is so interesting.
Let go of guilt. You didn't cause this and can't fix it. Use the other word, grief.
Until you are consistently honest face to face with your sister you will be tormented.
She may not understand but you must look her right in the face and say "I love you more than I can ever say, and I always have and I always will. I know you don't understand, but I can no longer take care of you. I will always love and visit you. None of that will change. I know how hard a new home is on you. I believe they will be very good to you and that you will be OK here. I know you are full of grief, and so am I and right now about all we can do about this is cry together."
Your sister may well wish her life were over. I would. My brother did, and soon enough it WAS over. But none of that is within our purview. This is how it has to be.
I would do as the care center says. I would stay in touch with them once a day and ask if they will let you know if they change their minds and think her adjustment will be better with you there.
I lost my big brother, first partially, to Lewy's dementia. Then to sepsis. I loved him more than I can ever tell you, but we were honest with one another always. We cried together. WE laughed together and he gave me huge lessons in how he saw the world. He said to me "Hon, this is kinda like when I was young and in the Army. I don't much like it, but I make the best of it." And he did.
I am so sorry. So incredibly sorry. Life is full of loss. Allow yourself to mourn and to weep and know that there is nothing you can do to fix this.
Give her time and consider not visiting or contacting her for a while. Others will affirm this strategy. I'm so sorry this is causing you to have anxiety attacks. You are in good company on this forum. Everything about dementia is hard.