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BKB5150 where is your Mom now? How did you even get her out of the house that she was hoarding? My mom is still in her house and she screams if I throw away a lousy business card!!! She keeps telling me she is going to sell the house because she said if she dies she knows that I would just throw everything out. There is NO WAY I could throw anything out in her house if she were still alive and moved into an assisted living or a nursing home. I would have to tell her that the crap is still in the house. If I were in your shoes I would have to tell my mother I wasn't bringing anything to her from the hoarding house but I certainly couldn't tell her that i threw it out. I would have to tell her that it is all in storage and that I wasn't bringing anything to her. If I told my mother I threw everything out or that the storage building burned down she would never forgive me. She would never speak to me. But that is my Mother who is an extreme hoarder. She is irrational. That is why my mother is still in that hoarding house of hers. Best of luck to you. It is a horrible position to be in. I know. I'm living it.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2019
Isn't it amazing how all of THEIR stuff becomes OUR problem??? My husband's ex wife is an extreme hoarder of stuff AND animals. The brick and mortar house has to be burned down, literally, because of the horrendous condition it's in from 40 years of hoarding. You can't even get inside of it it's so bad. She now lives in a hoarded trailer on the property with 15 dogs!
Her children lost all of their childhood mementos thanks to her, and now face what you're facing with your mother. Hoarding hurts a lot of people, I know. So sorry for what you're going thru, Elaine. Sending You a hug
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If bringing her new things that she's missing doesn't work, I'd tell her the storage facility burned down to the ground. Everybody who was renting a unit lost EVERYTHING in the fire as nothing at all could be salvaged.

What are you gonna do here? Nothing.

All the best.
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One suggestion: Get her to write a list of all the things she wants to see. Perhaps put stars on the things that are most important. That should keep her busy for a while. Then go down the list and say that some things on it went back with your brother to California. Perhaps you can ask him to bring them back when he comes (in the distant future, or you keep forgetting to ask him). If there is something little and reasonably cheap, tell her that you’ve looked and looked and can’t find it. Would she like you to get her a replacement? Tell her how much it would cost, and can she afford it? When you might have the time to arrange to get it?

With luck you can break a simple question about wanting her ‘stuff’ into very detailed, complex and forgettable discussions that side track the big question.
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Hoarding seems complicated to me. I don’t understand it. Is it holding onto memories or is it a control thing?

The bottom line is you did what you had to and certainly have no reason to feel guilty. I am sure you don’t regret pitching out trash that couldn’t be saved.

It sounds like your concern may be about the backlash from upsetting your mom. I agree with just substituting items that she asks about. Or even as Alva suggested too, just tell her that those items were ruined with rodent feces.

I understand the people from the depression era saving things but what I don’t understand is a person saving something that is ruined. That is truly puzzling to me.

Not everyone who is a hoarder has dementia but does dementia make it worse? Just curious.

Best of luck to you.
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MJInslee Oct 2019
My husband is hoarder. For many years I didn't realize what was going on, all the while throwing away his banana peels, gathering up old newspapers, etc. Now that he's at home most of the time, I've had to face the fact, he does not want to throw out a banana peel!! He won't throw away the paper from a drinking straw, etc etc. I don't know why. I know it's making me crazy. He did not grow up in clutter or squalor, but he creates it in our home.
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I'm with SendMe on this.   Those items, even though they may have been damaged, soiled, unusable, are still IN HER MIND her prized possessions, and valuable.

In her stage of life and particular situation, she may need this comfort and link to her past.   I wouldn't want to break that link with the reality that the items have been destroyed.

Since my father died and my closest family are now gone, I find myself drifting back not only to what we did together, but presents we gave each other, which sometimes mean more in the long run than they did at time of gifting.  

Sometimes I'll see something my parents or sister bought me for a birthday or holiday, and it evokes very strong memories.   At this time in my life while I'm acclimating to being totally alone, I need those mental ties.
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If your mother is asking for something she needs, replace it. Have her write a list of the things she thinks she needs.
The therapeutic fib could look like this:

You can go so far as to bring her small storage boxes (fake, you prepare them) from "storage".

These made up boxes can include:
A mix of family items and saved pictures that you did keep.
Clean laundry that you have taken home to wash.
Anything "new" that you have purchased for her needs.
Snacks and cookies to distract her.
A new toothbrush, hairbrush.
Get creative.

If she says "I don't remember this", just say you added that to the box because you thought she would like it.

Leave the box for her to go through. Then take the box home, refill it
for next time she asks. When you take the box home, be sure it has some things she won't miss so you can recycle it back to her in the next box you bring from "storage". Think of it as a CARE PACKAGE.
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There are any number of therapeutic lies, one being that the storage unit was condemned because of pests and was given over for demolision, nothing savable, and you are sorry. Or the truth. We lied. It is all gone; nothing could be saved due to condition and rodent feces and so on. And we are very sorry. Not everything in life can be fixed. I am so sorry. I think either way you are going it is an attempt to save her pain, but the truth is a hoarder separated from the hoard is going to be in pain.
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My dad wasn't a hoarder but did have things that meant a lot to him that we couldn't possibly move to his AL apt. I just tell him that they are in a closet at my house. He responds that he'd like to see them sometime. I respond "sure." Next time the discussion starts from go because he doesn't remember the earlier conversation.
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She needs mental help for this. Can you get her to a Dr? Is she in a facility now or in her own apartment? She will accumulate junk again if she can drive, if not she will still let garbage pile up. When your mom finds out her stuff is gone, if she fusses at you, leave at that point. If you’re on the phone, hang up. Do this every time she wants to argue about it.

My mom was a hoarder (it wasn’t nasty at that point, just piles of junk, furniture, & clothes she’d never be able to use) when she lost the use of a leg & could no longer walk or drive. Now, she is in a nursing home, with dementia, and 9 months later she still asks about her stuff & fusses at me for getting rid of it! We just tell her she couldn’t bring it with her so we gave it to people who really needed it & sold what we could. My husband’s aunt is also a hoarder, has spent thousands of dollars for someone to clean her house, and then she starts all over again. Very, very sad.
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If she has dementia she will forget about her stuff. Moved my brothers father and step mother out of their home into AL, hoarders, a real mess.

For the first week she asked about things, after that she couldn't even remember what was in the house.

Hoarding is a mental disorder. Me, I like the truth, I would just tell her, if she gets angry, so be it, she will get over it. Anyway, she will just start collecting more junk, it is part of the disease.
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Maybe a little white lie. There was a fire or theft or miscommunication at the storage facility and her stuff is gone? Just a thought so she won't be upset at you for throwing it away.
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EllensOnly Oct 2019
OMG - This was my 1st thought also! Not so sure it's the right one but it's what flash through my head.

Is it always the same thing she is looking for? Does she forget and then ask for something else another time? Maybe hold her off with "I cant get there this week" or "I tried to find it the other day but must have looked in the wrong box, I'll look again when I have more time" or "Oh brother borrowed that, I'll ask him to bring it back the next time he visits"

Is it something small you can find a replacement for and bring her? Even if its not an exact match she may just think she forgot the details.
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