Hello-I have been caregiving for my mom with dementia for 13 years now. She is at a point where she needs Memory Care. She was denied Medicaid. My sisters help on and off on weekends with no consistency. I am told I cannot force their help. Mom's dementia has become a safety issue for herself and my family. She is violent at times with my kids. She is mean to us but very sweet to everyone else. I told my two sisters everyone takes mom for a month giving the other two a two month respite. They refuse. We decided we would pay out of pocket. I did all the necessary paperwork needed by mom's doctor, It took three appointments. I had mom assessed for a facility my sisters found, I sold my big house for a smaller one to insure I could make my share of payment. Then on the day they were supposed to sign her in, they decided neither of them wanted the financial responsibility. So here I am, in a smaller house. Mom is sleeping on a couch living out of a suitcase. I am burned out. Does anyone know anything I can do to get mom the help she needs and deserves, or if there is anything I can do to force my siblings. Thank you
Now don’t spend your money, spend hers down until she qualifies for Medicaid. You can use her money for someone to care for her to give you a respite or to take her to Bermuda.
in the meantime, see a lawyer ( with her money) to determine the laws of your State. Each State has it’s own laws regarding Medicaid.
Then find a nice place that will accept Medicaid and commit her.
You can visit her once a month, if you like.
And treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.
Now don’t spend your money, spend hers down until she qualifies for Medicaid. You can use her money for someone to care for her to give you a respite or to take her to Bermuda.
Perhaps first see a lawyer ( with her money) to determine the laws of your State. Each State has it’s own laws regarding Medicaid.
Then find a nice place that will accept Medicaid and commit her.
You can visit her once a month, if you like.
And treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.
Likewise, there is no real "mom money" to pay for a lawyer. OP will have to cover that expense to perhaps get some help in this situation.
Forget about the siblings. There is nothing you can do about them.
Forget about moving Mom to Assisted living/MC. Mom or you can't afford it. (you shouldn't be paying your money anyway unless you were rich enough where it wouldn't affect you or your future or future care).
DO try to get Mom into a skilled nursing facility. IF her Dr. judges she needs or meets that standard of care, Medicaid of LTC Medicaid will cover her, even though she makes too much for regular Medicaid. You will need the support of health care professionals for this. Start with her primary care Dr.
Mom needs to be out of your home ASAP. For her safety and your family's. You can go the take Mom to the hospital route if nothing else is working out for you. You tell them it is unsafe at home, which it is, and you will not be able to care for her. If you don't want to do that, then I would suggest you will need to call an authoritative agency (APS, CPS, Police) to help you.
If money for care is the problem..Apply for long term care medical. She will have a share of cost and my have to spend down for monthly care while in the facility. It is difficult to tell your mother where she must go...but you have to do it. To prolong this in your home you and the children will gradually change in your "tolerance" and will handle her out of "frustration" and my progress to anger. When she is in a facility there are Meds. that deal
with anxiety. You can visit daily or....she will know she still has you. You are both dealing with "loss". It is hard but she will adjust and you can have some level of peace in your home and family
My 2 sisters and I took turns taking care of mom from 3 months to a year. She passed away at an early age of 58 due to Diabetic complications. She lost her eyesight 5 yrs before passing.
Before we took care of her, She was so independent, hard working, loved all her grandkids. Her diabetes got bad and worse when my dad and her divorced. She was depressed.
My dad remarried and died at 72 due to brain tumor. I helped his second wife with my Dads care.
We never thought of putting our parent's in a nursing home. They took care of us when sleepless nights when we were born.
The ppl that write into this site are seeking answers & help because they have NOT abandoned their parent! Especially those that are dealing w/ parents age 75 + years...it’s harder!
It sounds like you need a more professional Medicaid advisor.
Already Miller Trust has been suggested multiple times and most if not all were followed up with NC (OP/mom's state) doesn't do Miller Trust AND mom has No, read that again N...O... assets, so there is nothing to spend down. Mom's income exceeds the state MEAGER Medicaid limit. As OP posted, too many people use legal means to "protect" their assets and then use Medicaid to pay their way, leaving those with real need SOL.
The secondary problem is that every state has different rules/coverages. It appears that NC Medicaid will cover NH IF you meet the low income requirement, but doesn't cover any kind of AL. Not everyone qualifies for NH (has to be a real need for specialized nursing care - dementia alone doesn't qualify for most if not all cases.) Various State's Medicaid might cover AL, but usually it is limited, there are few places who accept it and some places are probably not where you would want your LO to be!
Please try to skim through the answers before responding.
I'm confused. If she goes into a NH, has no money, and gets less per month in "income" than her NH care would cost, why wouldn't medi____ pay the rest? Did she used to have money and it was spent in ways that do not qualify for the approved "spend down" from getting to having money to not having money? Like if she gave $10k to a friend or relative, that money would delay her being able to get assistance or would have to be paid back, IIRC.
Best of luck. You might want to talk with someone at a local NH to see how they can help you get mom to be their newest resident.
Now... if is was a facility that receives no state funding and is fully private...they do not have to take her and many do not want to deal with dementia patients. Have you contacted a social worker with your issues. If you are at the point of mental and physical exhaustion to the point of endangering yourself...this is not any good for anyone. I would contact an elderly care social worker, explain your dilemma and they can send you down the correct path. It might take some time, but they could get you started. Again, with what you have said...there is no way she would be denied.
Cicoa I think is the initials. In Indiana we call 211 hope they can help you
https://www.ncoa.org/national-institute-of-senior-centers/
https://www.ncoa.org/resources/
https://www.ncoa.org/public-policy-action/long-term-services-and-supports/
I've never looked into it before. Looks like some good info.
I don't understand the Medicaid system. My understanding is that the person who needs the care must go through all his/her assets down to $2or3,000. Then Medicaid kicks in to pay for the care.
You don't say your age. If you are too old to take care of her, or have health issues, perhaps you should call Adult Protective Services. If nothing else, they will get your lazy sisters involved.
Tell you what, call an attorney pronto. I don't know what state you are in.
Call for attorney recommendations:
National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys
https://www.naela.org/findlawyer
naela@naela.org
NAELA Council of Advanced Practitioners
1577 Spring Hill Rd., Suite 310
Vienna, VA 22182
703-942-5711
I have an excellent attorney in Colorado:
M. Carl Glatstein