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Wow our stories are so similar. My mother even told others that she probably liked it. I was 5-6.
Now 58, the tables have turned. I ran away from her at 16. I have kept my distance. I have no brothers or sisters, no dad.
My mom was the picture of evil. As of December 27th, she is now in a nursing facility. She's 84. She didn't have the where with all to take a bath, pay Bill's, clean, etc. She is a chronic hoarder. Adult protective services got involved to help me. Through court order, she is now in a safe environment. The meds have been the missing link. I can now have a conversation with her. She is very apologetic about how she treated me. I just say let's leave it in the past.
My best wishes to you. Guard your heart. Stay away if you can. Things will come to light through lots of prayer.
Lisa in Alabama
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What kind of a mother? A very mentally unhealthy mother, and, as such, you need to protect yourself from her. Low contact is good but, obviously from what you are writing it's not enough for your mental health and well being.

I had a very mentality unhealthy mother and some of the same issues as you. I found I had to (in no particular order)

1) accept she was as she was and she was not going to change but would continue to hurt me in the ways she had hurt me in the past
2) grieve the loss and of the nurturing mother that every child needs but some of us don't get
3) face the pain and protect myself from further harm as much as I could - low contact and sometimes no contact for periods of time or permanently - whatever you need -set boundaries!
4) get therapy and supportive friends/healthy mother role models
5) work through all the pain. At 84, 3 years after my mother passed aged 106, I am still doing that but have much less pain than before.

I wish you hope for your future and healing. Life does not have to hurt so much. You have been seriously betrayed by your mother.

"it’s reached the point where I can no longer keep putting on a false brave face and pretend to keep playing the role of dutiful daughter, as her whole persona just sickens me. If I'm honest, I feel I am at a crossroads and frozen, as I'm concerned as to what serious damage she's next got lined up for me if I don't toe the line, her line."

Good! Then stop putting on the false face, stop playing the role of the dutiful daughter, set your own lines (boundaries), don't toe her line any more. She is a sick person. Continue to work on your own mental health. that).

Will she be upset? Sure. Of course. That's her problem. Don't let her manipulate you back into your old relationship. Her feelings are hers to deal with. Your feelings are yours to deal with. Heed them and do what is good for you. Put you and your feelings first. No one else will. It's your job as an adult to care for you.

I think you are on the way to a better life!!! Keep going. ((((((hugs))))))
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I think I would cut all ties with her.
Do you have anyone that can support you through this? That you can trust?
Her admitting her failings will not really help you, I don't think they would fix me.
Her apologizing will not help you, I don't think it would help me.
She was wrong in not choosing you when you were a child, and she still is not choosing you.
There is no point in punishing yourself. She triggers you and has you in a state of anxiety.
You should move on. Without her. She really does not deserve you.
I hope you can do this and find happiness, peace and love. Because it's out there waiting for you.
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I am appalled by how this "mother" treated and continues to treat you. She does not deserve the title of "mother". I would cut off all contact with her - as someone else said "divorce her", walk away! She does not deserve to have a dutiful daughter. Don't let her make you feel guilty. After all those years, you deserve freedom. I wish you a better future.
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Way too late to complain.
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lealonnie1 Jan 2022
Why? This forum is designed precisely FOR people to voice their complaints, to vent and to ask for & to FIND SUPPORT, for petesake!
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I know it will be hard but you need to let go of her. She will never change. But you can it takes a lot of time and you need to be able to love yourself.
You never forget but you can learn to grow and be at peace with yourself. With help ,support. I wish you well.
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Nomore, we used to have a poster here who referred to her abusive female parent as " Mthr".

She arranged care for her (got her into MC or NH) but had no personal contact with her.

That could be a healthy step for you.
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Do you even love your step mother? If not, then why are you still a part of her life for so many years? You are old enough to make decisions. Either get yourself some help to overcome your multiple PTSDs, or walk away before you are in a situation that could possibly make you her fulltime caretaker. I hope you do what is good for you, both mentally, emotionally, and physically. God bless.
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Jannner Jan 2022
That’s common, they train you for your entire life not believe what you think to be true and to feel you need and owe them. They are terrible people. Like a sexual predator, they groom you to do what they want so it seems to the abused person it’s “ normal “ for someone to act like they do
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You need to remember this above everything else ...You are God's child! The woman who adopted you has been emotionally and physiologically abusing you your whole life. This is EVIL! If she repents and apologizes sincerely for the way she has treated you, then you can try to forgive her. If not, move on and tell her stay away from you because you will not put up with it any longer! Ask God to guide you on your path now to good people where you can be happy.

Remember always God Loves You! He is always there for you! May our Father in Heaven Bless your life going forward now!
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Toxic people don’t change. Stop all association with her. Please go to a therapist. I had a narcissist mother and denied there was anything wrong with her ( figured it was all me like she said) until I went to a psychologist due to dealing with chronic disease. It totally changed my perception since she called my mother out as an abuser right away, truly a lightbulb moment for me. These cruel , manipulative people only care about themselves and will not change. You deserve a life free from her. Once they realize you are on to them they just get worse. They will lie to everyone about you. Just accept that those who believe her aren’t worth your while. Most of my family except my immediate family sided with her but so what, they are just like her. I was my mother’s POA but did what I could behind the scenes without her knowledge. If I had to go to an appointment with her I always took my husband since narcissistic people don’t want other people to realize how they really act so usually put on a facade around most people. My mother wasn’t physically abusive like yours, please stop associating with her. You did nothing to deserve her treatment but she will never fix her problems
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To me, this woman was sick and pure evil. What I would have done once I was an adult and realized what I did, I would have walked away and never looked back. Why on earth did you not do that and why on earth are you still in the picture. She is not and never was worth one ounce of your concern. Talk to a professional who can help you put behind you the horrors of the past so you stop suffering and then find the guts to leave her in the dust and move on and away forever. But seek help to do this. You are worth it.
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The Bible says if someone refuses to repent then have nothing to do with them.

Unfortunately, from my experience, narcassits never repent and enjoy watching you suufer. Avoid them like the plague.

As for healing, take it to Jesus. He has gone through every thing we go through. He lovesyou, He cares about you and He will heal you.
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Myownlife Jan 2022
The person cannot repent because it is not in the narcissist's nature to comprehend he/she has done anything wrong.
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Firstly my heart goes out to that six year old child and to the adult that regresses every time this parent (and I use the term lightly, as she is not a parent, not a mother in the true meaning of the word) interacts with you.

You need to distance yourself from the very damaging impact that she continues to have on you and the only way is to cut her out of your life. Your instinct to minimize contact is a good one but maybe not quite enough. Cold turkey might be better.
If you can't practically cut her out of your life altogether then at least do not give her the power to make you into that victim. Close that conversation down, don't give her any opportunity to reopen those wounds.
Before you do that prepare a short speech or write a letter if you haven't already - saying exactly what was and is wrong with the way you were treated and her own unwillingness to accept responsibility. Do not expect her to apologize or see the error of her ways and she may bad mouth you for standing up for yourself, so expect that and ignore it. Just stand up for that six year old girl in the way she should have been supported at that time - speaking up against the wrong that was done to her, loud and clear. Nurture the six year old within in the way that she should have been and was worthy of being loved and protected.
Good luck!
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I am so sorry that you have gone through this--and continue to be. Therapy is becoming easier to get; please consider it to help you feel better. There is nothing OK about what your mother has done, but therapy could help you move on into the life you deserve. The "dutiful daughter" role is not good for your health. A therapist might help you free yourself. At her age, your mother should not be able to damage you--though clearly she still does. Take good care, and I hope you can free yourself.
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Disassociate. Best advice ever.
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Change your phone number to private, unlisted. Get every evidence of her out of your life. Try hard to move someplace new that she cannot find you. Do NOT leave any forwarding address. And once you are in a new place, please get some new therapy to help you to get her out of your thoughts. Find things, a job, hobbies/activities and immerse yourself to keep very busy, so that you occupy your waking time with new thoughts, memories.

You cannot fix a person like this... ever. The only thing you can fix is how you respond. Now that you have heard from many on this thread, you may start believing this. And know, that after you have read all the advice on here, if you choose to continue in the same manner, you will only be abusing yourself.
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As an adult - if she is mentally competent - she is responsible for her life and her life choices. As an adult who has suffered greatly at the hands of another, you are not required to submit to more abuse from this person. Show respect as you do for every person - and expect in return.

If and when a senior parent is no longer mentally competent, then others will direct their care. As the adult child, your responsibility is to make sure that your parent is cared for. You do not have to do the caregiving or pay for the caregiving.
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Perhaps you are wondering if this is partly a result of you being adopted, and if your situation is unique because of it. I doubt it. There are many many cases of ‘birth mothers’ who have suppressed information about a child being abused. Different reasons abound - presenting as the perfect family, dependence on the abuser that makes it hard to face the future, not upsetting the family apple cart, not believing the child, not being willing to confront the priest or the school. None of them get too much sympathy these days. There are also many cases of adopters who probably should have been weeded out by the (now) universal vetting process, because they wanted a pretty doll to dress up and display rather than a growing child. Forget about ‘why’. Think about your own needs NOW. You can’t change the past. You can’t heal a relationship with a ‘mother’ who treated you so badly, and continues to do so.

If you feel that you can’t just walk away, an option to consider might be going ‘grey rock’. That might stop her from upsetting you so much, keep the ‘dutiful daughter’ image to other people if she is likely to trash you to others, even be a bit of revenge for you (she’s not going to like it!). You could try it, then change to any other option later if you wish. Best wishes, and look after yourself.
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I appreciate that it is important to receive validation. If we all chime in and agree that this woman should be burned at the stake, will that relieve the suffering or point you in the right direction? I doubt it. Psychologists have apparently been giving you that for many years and it isn't helping.

I want to know what happened, or who has said what, that brought you to the forum to ask this question now. Most of the suggested recommendations - distancing, minimal contact, leading your own independent life - you not only are already doing but also have been doing for nearly forty years.

What's this crossroads you mention? The word "crossroads" suggests you have specific decisions or choices to make. What are they?

Is the close relative still alive? - God forbid, still on the scene?
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Please do yourself a favor and join one of the many groups for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Get and individual therapist with experience in this trauma. There are many books for survivors like yourself if you just check Amazon. You have wounds that may never disappear but they can be made less painful. Best of luck.
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Nomore1: I am very sorry that this happened to you. I, too, was abused.
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There is no sensible answer to your question, "What kind of mother?"
You had a miserable childhood and sexual trauma...and are still suffering more than half a century later!

It's time to put this situation in the past. You can't change the events and you can't change your mother. You need to quit trying.

Don't imagine that anything you say to her will cause her to change her thinking, admit anything or provide you any comfort. Please quit, for your own sake, stirring up the old feelings and the disillusionment of the past. She is a hopeless case, I believe. But YOU are NOT!!

You are a survivor! An intelligent adult! You've managed in spite of circumstances that could have defeated you long ago (and would have defeated many people). You got some counseling at one time. That was wise. Maybe you need more. But you don't NEED "Mom" any more at all. And I would say she doesn't need you. Somehow, she is being cared for without you. You have no reason to feel "obligated".
Look forward. Find activities and situations that bring you some joy and fulfillment. Your best years, if you allow it, may well be the ones ahead!
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I am so sorry, really sorry that you had to go through not only the pain and guilty feelings as a child, but that you are still suffering from those feelings. My own father molested me, and I felt responsible because my mother had to babysit at night to pay for medical treatment for me. Even after my father died, I still had all those feelings, almost every day. The anger. I know where you are coming from, and although many have suggested therapy, I found that it didn't help. Anything you can find that is calming when your brain is stuck on the abuse issues will be good. Adult coloring? Puzzles? Reading? Anything is better than letting this drag you down that rabbit hole with no way out. Let's each have a cup of tea and try to relax.
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She’s a gaslighting narcissist,
To the outside world, everything is white picket fences and “mommy-dearest.”
Shes trying to absolve herself of the guilt that’s leaking through, as she ages.
Leave her in the dust.
Move past pleasing a sociopath.
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KristineB Jul 2022
Why am I here ?
bye bye….
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NoMore

Drop the "dutiful daughter" and enforce the ultimate boundary: no contact.
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