Does nothing when her adopted 6 yr old child is sexually abused by a close relative? Instead she buries it because she wants to project to the outside world that she has the ‘perfect’ family. No love, hugs, care, reassurance or support were shown at all to the child. The ‘Mother’ then spends years putting the child down and making the child’s life a misery and hell, because the child ruined her projection - the child, is then made to pay.
References the child’s actual birth mother as a ‘Slag’ to the child when the child is 12 yrs old
What kind of a mother waits until the grown child is aged 50 yrs old before asking whether the sexual abuse by the close relative involved penetration, even though the 6 yr old child had clearly told her the facts as and when they happened each time. It was bad, but did not involve penetration - why did the ‘Mother’ not listen the first time around?
A few years ago, the 'Mother' causes physical damage to her adult child, then aged 54 yrs, through an ‘accident’ of the mother's making, and again dismisses the damage that she’s done, denies responsibility and does absolutely nothing to try and put things right, or redeem herself - two major instances impacting and damaging in the child's life, but yet again, it’s all buried and never acknowledged by the ‘Mother’. Strangely, the child is always expected to show respect and support towards the ‘Mother’, as the ‘Mother’ always commands it.
Last year, the 'Mother' decides to bring up the topic of the abuse again when the grown child is 58 yrs old and then feigns that she wasn’t aware of the extent of the abuse and only then becomes upset when she finds out that psychologists over the years were very alarmed at how she’d dealt with it. The ‘Mother’ again, is only concerned as to how this looks on her.
What kind of a Mother is prepared to tell lies and paint a false distorted picture of her child to anyone that will listen 'her supporters', so that she herself, and only she, comes out of it looking good, or twists reality and pretends to actually be the victim of any wrongdoing. Even worse, makes out that there’s something not quite right with the child/adult child (Fact: throughout the years, professional diagnosis has confirmed that there is nothing wrong with the adult child, it's a case of what's happened to them that is the problem, and as a result of this, the adult child had developed very strong tolerance levels for bad and inappropriate behaviour)
I am that adult child, aged 58 yrs, and I am still suffering. Reaching out to anyone who can give any help or advice please as I am at a total loss as to how to deal with that kind of a mother. I feel very broken and can no longer keep fixing the damage she’s done and continues to do. Low contact has helped over many years (I've lived away from her since I was 18 yrs old, 20 miles away thank goodness and I work full time), but it’s reached the point where I can no longer keep putting on a false brave face and pretend to keep playing the role of dutiful daughter, as her whole persona just sickens me. If I'm honest, I feel I am at a crossroads and frozen, as I'm concerned as to what serious damage she's next got lined up for me if I don't toe the line, her line.
Drop the "dutiful daughter" and enforce the ultimate boundary: no contact.
To the outside world, everything is white picket fences and “mommy-dearest.”
Shes trying to absolve herself of the guilt that’s leaking through, as she ages.
Leave her in the dust.
Move past pleasing a sociopath.
bye bye….
You had a miserable childhood and sexual trauma...and are still suffering more than half a century later!
It's time to put this situation in the past. You can't change the events and you can't change your mother. You need to quit trying.
Don't imagine that anything you say to her will cause her to change her thinking, admit anything or provide you any comfort. Please quit, for your own sake, stirring up the old feelings and the disillusionment of the past. She is a hopeless case, I believe. But YOU are NOT!!
You are a survivor! An intelligent adult! You've managed in spite of circumstances that could have defeated you long ago (and would have defeated many people). You got some counseling at one time. That was wise. Maybe you need more. But you don't NEED "Mom" any more at all. And I would say she doesn't need you. Somehow, she is being cared for without you. You have no reason to feel "obligated".
Look forward. Find activities and situations that bring you some joy and fulfillment. Your best years, if you allow it, may well be the ones ahead!
I want to know what happened, or who has said what, that brought you to the forum to ask this question now. Most of the suggested recommendations - distancing, minimal contact, leading your own independent life - you not only are already doing but also have been doing for nearly forty years.
What's this crossroads you mention? The word "crossroads" suggests you have specific decisions or choices to make. What are they?
Is the close relative still alive? - God forbid, still on the scene?
If you feel that you can’t just walk away, an option to consider might be going ‘grey rock’. That might stop her from upsetting you so much, keep the ‘dutiful daughter’ image to other people if she is likely to trash you to others, even be a bit of revenge for you (she’s not going to like it!). You could try it, then change to any other option later if you wish. Best wishes, and look after yourself.
If and when a senior parent is no longer mentally competent, then others will direct their care. As the adult child, your responsibility is to make sure that your parent is cared for. You do not have to do the caregiving or pay for the caregiving.
You cannot fix a person like this... ever. The only thing you can fix is how you respond. Now that you have heard from many on this thread, you may start believing this. And know, that after you have read all the advice on here, if you choose to continue in the same manner, you will only be abusing yourself.
You need to distance yourself from the very damaging impact that she continues to have on you and the only way is to cut her out of your life. Your instinct to minimize contact is a good one but maybe not quite enough. Cold turkey might be better.
If you can't practically cut her out of your life altogether then at least do not give her the power to make you into that victim. Close that conversation down, don't give her any opportunity to reopen those wounds.
Before you do that prepare a short speech or write a letter if you haven't already - saying exactly what was and is wrong with the way you were treated and her own unwillingness to accept responsibility. Do not expect her to apologize or see the error of her ways and she may bad mouth you for standing up for yourself, so expect that and ignore it. Just stand up for that six year old girl in the way she should have been supported at that time - speaking up against the wrong that was done to her, loud and clear. Nurture the six year old within in the way that she should have been and was worthy of being loved and protected.
Good luck!
Unfortunately, from my experience, narcassits never repent and enjoy watching you suufer. Avoid them like the plague.
As for healing, take it to Jesus. He has gone through every thing we go through. He lovesyou, He cares about you and He will heal you.
Remember always God Loves You! He is always there for you! May our Father in Heaven Bless your life going forward now!
She arranged care for her (got her into MC or NH) but had no personal contact with her.
That could be a healthy step for you.
You never forget but you can learn to grow and be at peace with yourself. With help ,support. I wish you well.
Do you have anyone that can support you through this? That you can trust?
Her admitting her failings will not really help you, I don't think they would fix me.
Her apologizing will not help you, I don't think it would help me.
She was wrong in not choosing you when you were a child, and she still is not choosing you.
There is no point in punishing yourself. She triggers you and has you in a state of anxiety.
You should move on. Without her. She really does not deserve you.
I hope you can do this and find happiness, peace and love. Because it's out there waiting for you.
I had a very mentality unhealthy mother and some of the same issues as you. I found I had to (in no particular order)
1) accept she was as she was and she was not going to change but would continue to hurt me in the ways she had hurt me in the past
2) grieve the loss and of the nurturing mother that every child needs but some of us don't get
3) face the pain and protect myself from further harm as much as I could - low contact and sometimes no contact for periods of time or permanently - whatever you need -set boundaries!
4) get therapy and supportive friends/healthy mother role models
5) work through all the pain. At 84, 3 years after my mother passed aged 106, I am still doing that but have much less pain than before.
I wish you hope for your future and healing. Life does not have to hurt so much. You have been seriously betrayed by your mother.
"it’s reached the point where I can no longer keep putting on a false brave face and pretend to keep playing the role of dutiful daughter, as her whole persona just sickens me. If I'm honest, I feel I am at a crossroads and frozen, as I'm concerned as to what serious damage she's next got lined up for me if I don't toe the line, her line."
Good! Then stop putting on the false face, stop playing the role of the dutiful daughter, set your own lines (boundaries), don't toe her line any more. She is a sick person. Continue to work on your own mental health. that).
Will she be upset? Sure. Of course. That's her problem. Don't let her manipulate you back into your old relationship. Her feelings are hers to deal with. Your feelings are yours to deal with. Heed them and do what is good for you. Put you and your feelings first. No one else will. It's your job as an adult to care for you.
I think you are on the way to a better life!!! Keep going. ((((((hugs))))))
Now 58, the tables have turned. I ran away from her at 16. I have kept my distance. I have no brothers or sisters, no dad.
My mom was the picture of evil. As of December 27th, she is now in a nursing facility. She's 84. She didn't have the where with all to take a bath, pay Bill's, clean, etc. She is a chronic hoarder. Adult protective services got involved to help me. Through court order, she is now in a safe environment. The meds have been the missing link. I can now have a conversation with her. She is very apologetic about how she treated me. I just say let's leave it in the past.
My best wishes to you. Guard your heart. Stay away if you can. Things will come to light through lots of prayer.
Lisa in Alabama
Go to counselor (if you haven't already) and discuss how to deal with mom. It's very possible it's time to put the relationship on very, very limited contact to save yourself. A child has no reason to feel guilty for something that happened at such a young age. If the parent was aware, or made aware and did nothing, the child was damaged even further because the one person they were supposed to count on let them down and silenced their voice.
If you feel you must see mom, then do it. However, I would set some ground rules with her: I'm here because your my mother. You failed me when you did nothing to make my 6 year old voice heard, but I'm trying to get past that. Unless you can admit your part in not stopping it or reporting it to the authorities, then you and I will not be talking about it again. Each time you deny what you SHOULD have done to save your child, you hurt me again. It happened on your watch - YOU were the parent. We won't have this conversation again.
You don't have to toe the line where this is concerned. If you can't get along and she wants to keep digging up the buried body, then you may have no choice except to stay away from her. Call and say hello if you want, but when she turns ugly you can hang up the phone. No nasty face to face scenes.